Fragile and insecure....

[Deborah Jane]

Despite the fact that i accept my femme side.
Despite the fact that my SO [Sheila] is fully accepting of who i am [more'so than i am myself]
And despite the fact that i have support from some people i have told off the the forum.
Today i found myself back in an area of self doubt!

I overheard something that made me think twice about myself, it made me wonder whether accepting myself could actually be creating more problems than it's worth.
It seriously made me think about whether allowing my femme side to evolve would create more problems than it would resolve.

As a guy i'm very much an alpha male, i've earned respect from my peers and am fully accepted in my role in society.

In my femme role as Debs, i am/will be regarded by some as inferior in some way. I will be open to abuse and derision, i will be taking a role in society i am totally unused too.
I have started to question myself whether i'm ready for that now or maybe in the future.

As a guy i'm completely secure in who i am and my abilities in most given situations.

As a "woman" i am totally unsure of myself and how i would deal with things.

It's worth mentioning.....I wasn't presenting as Debs when it happened, i was in full guy presentation and overheard something that made me think twice about my c/ding

[dawnmarrie1961]

Welcome to your "woman hood", Deb, and all the insecurity ,self doubt and struggles that go with it!
But remember this. Just like being a strong man, you can also be a strong woman too.

[Evelyn74]

Deb, Stay strong sister. I would hug you if it made you feel better.

[TGMarla]

For what it's worth, Deborah Jane, my dear.....I accept you too. Anyone who would ever put you down as a woman, well, they're surface dwellers. No depth. They don't know you.

Here have a hug and some flowers.

[TSchapes]

as to what you could have heard?

I'm not an alpha male, but well respected within my profession and I do have a certain amount of confidence. That does not leave when I become Tracy. Nor would I allow anyone to treat me with disrespect. And so far, I have not had anyone treat me badly when I've been out as Tracy.

So why would you feel that you would have to succumb to someone else's idea of where women should be in the pecking order of things?

Or am I just missing something...

Maybe it's like my wife says, " I just want you to listen, you don't have to fix anything!"

Love, Tracy

[Kate Simmons]

I was quite the opposite Debs. While seemingly self assured as Rich most of my life, I really was not, despite the things I did by necessity. For myself it actually took really getting into(and more or less living) my femme side to gain self assurance and confidence. In a sense I had to become a "woman" in order to become a man. Now that I have balanced and integrated all of the feelings my self assurance is intact regardless of how I choose to present myself. I guess we all approach things in different ways my friend according to what works best for us.

[sterling12]

Shapes kind of was thinking the same way as myself. Who says you can't be an "alpha-femme?" I think a lot of CD's "play" at being docile and submissive, cause' they think that is what a girl/woman is supposed to be. This is also what makes GG's laugh at us, women come in all varieties....just like men.

As far as your "choice," in whether or not to accept your femme side. I don't think it's a case of "you is...or you isn't." For the overwhelming majority, it's not a choice, that femme persona is an intrinsic part of you. Whether you choose to fight those inner demons or accept, is of course a choice. But, for a lot of people, and can't imagine that you would be much different, the "choice" to not accept one-half of yourself just makes you crazy! You can sublimate it for a while, maybe even years, but eventually it seems to always come back and bite you in your bumm.

Now if you want to go through life feeling "unfulfilled," and always feeling like you have missed something, it's your choice. Maybe for you, the choice to self-accept has more negatives than positives. You won't make me believe that it would be a better choice, but you can certainly give it a try.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[sissystephanie]

I too wonder what it was that you heard that has left you feeling so "frail and insecure?" Care to tell us?

I am pretty sure that those who know me in my male persona would say that I am an "alpha" male. But I also consider myself to be an "alpha" female when I dress as Stephanie. Mind you, I have no desire to actually be a female, I just like to dress as one. When I dress in Stephanie's clothes, I feel feminine and believe I act that way. But with no feeling of frailty or insecurity! I know who I an and what I am! I am a Crossdresser, and proud to show off my pretty clothes!

[AmandaM]

I dress for me. The world is cruel. But, I don't have to play their game.

[Alice B]

You will in time find security in your female side and have a far better start than most of us by having such an accepting partner. I am very much an alpha male, have always been so and am very accepted and seen as such. Yet, once I realized that I liked to dress it just came to reaching an understanding as to why I do and establishing guidelines. It took some time and the journey has been fun and is not over. Nor will it be for you, but the best part is the journey.

[Misty is Kindafem]

Debbie,

I am NOT an alpha male but I did have a hard time letting go of whatever false machismo I developed while running from Misty. For me, the most difficult thing to accept was the hard fact that I was indeed the "sissy" they always called me.

I know your situation is different, but I also thought that accepting myself would be more trouble than it's worth. It's not. I will NEVER come out at work because I'm a leader there and literally dozens of men (hello!) and one woman count on me to keep us working, but I'm making new friends and I realized my life can change significantly without being "out".

There are women with very strong personalities who are very direct and aggressive so don't think you have to be a gentle flower just because you put on a dress. It's your own struggle to accept all of yourself that is causing you discomfort. It's hard to admit it. To really admit that you wish you were a ball breaking bitch instead of a man's man. It may be one of the hardest things you ever do, but never forget that much of your insecurity is and has always been rooted in the fear that the truth will one day be discovered. Find it sweetie, embrace it and own it. You don't have to tell anybody else, but you have to be at least, and at last, honest with yourself.

By the way, about 80% of the guys that work for me are "alpha" males and even though any of them could kick my ass, they're all kittens when they're in my office. I guess I'm just too adorable ;-)

-Misty

[Miranda09]

Why take a stereotypical role as a female? Why not just carry your assertive male self into your female self? Don't limit your personalty. Be who you are and assert it.

[GaleWarning]

I'm wondering if you misheard what was said, or mistakenly supposed that it referred to you.
Can you be certain on these two points?
Perhaps you are too sensitive, Debs?

[kathrynjanos]

Well, let me just say how I feel - because I can't really tell you how you should feel - about this kind of situation. Basically, I don't give a damn about what others think really. I'm very much my own person, and too bad for you if you don't like it. I don't know if this helps you, but maybe you can find something to improve your confidence in being who you are.

For me, oddly enough, it was doing karaoke. When I thought I could never do a certain song, no matter how much I liked it, I just decided to try it. After getting some overwhelming support from the crowd, my confidence shot up. And if I screw up, I shrug it off like the first time Joba Chamberlain gave up a home run.

[Deborah Jane]

Sheila, her son, her sister, her sisters b/f and myself were on our way out for the evening, as said earlier i was fully presenting as my guy self.

As we passed a group of young lads [Sheilas nieghbours], there were cat calls of....."Deborah, Debbie, Debs", etc.
As i looked at Sheila i knew what i thought was true....It was aimed at me, she later confirmed they probably knew about me!!

I only moved to this area 4 days ago, having left everything in my life behind including my kids.
I'm particularly fragile right now, it wouldn't take much to set me off and this has!

BTW....Even alpha males have insecurities, mine were caused by something that happened to me in my past......It messed my life up then, i spent a lifetime dealing with it and in so doing turned myself into something that wasn't me, but it helped me to survive
[I've been in therapy because of it and thought i'd got my demons behind me.....Looks like i was wrong]

[Lisa Golightly]

Often the most sensitive of people like to don the armour of the alpha male to deflect criticism from others... I tried it, but it was too heavy for me and... well... I'm more of a teddy bear kid really.

Kids are always a problem when it comes to difference. They like to exert their independence and individuality by joining in groups where they feel safe to show how strong an individual they are by denying their own freedom.

In some ways now it's out you are afforded greater freedom if you want it, but it is a freedom that is won with determination and sheer bloody mindedness. You need to confront the jibes or smile at them because if they see they're getting to you then there's nothing more vicious than a child with power.

Lisa x

[Shelly Preston]

Some people are just so small minded

They should learn to live and let live

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

As we passed a group of young lads [Sheilas nieghbours], there were cat calls of....."Deborah, Debbie, Debs", etc.
As i looked at Sheila i knew what i thought was true....It was aimed at me, she later confirmed they probably knew about me!!

Very interesting. This is EXACTLY the kind of thing I'm expecting as more people find out about me. I have some neighbors that I expect to do this very thing should they find out.

My childhood was filled with this kind of thing though. Not cat calls, just people who constantly made it clear how much I was disliked. At school or in public, where ever I was seen, I would get called out to in very derogatory ways - laughed at, made fun of, pushed around, beat up, etc. I was not an alpha-male - I was an insecure, awkward kid who didn't fit in and grew up constantly being reminded of how much I didn't fit in.

I'm still not an alpha-male (in guy mode), but I don't exactly sit back and let anyone treat me like dirt anymore.

How to deal with people making fun of my feminine side though. I guess I could always just keep Gabrielle hidden or perhaps put her away forever and conform to society's unforgiving gender rules. I'd be a miserable f*ck to do so, but no one would pick on me about it.

Of course, I know I can't do that. I fully expect to be revisiting my past at some point, in terms of being the butt of jokes to the local a$$holes. It is not something I'll just take like I did in the past though. It will stink being just one against many, but I'll have my respect somehow. I won't stay silent. I don't know what will happen, but I can't just stop being me because of a$$holes.

There is no easy solution to this and I have no idea what the outcome will be. I only know that I, too, will face what you've already had a taste of. I also know that I'm not one to be pushed around anymore. I had my fill of manipulative bullies many years ago.

Good luck to you, Debs. Wish me luck, too. I'm not sure when my day will come. I'm not looking forward to this, but it IS in my future. I only know it will not dominate my life. I'm not ashamed of who I am and those who would torment me will find that out.

[Sheila]

right now I strongly suspect that my daughter has told a neighbour (with whom I was very friendly with until I split with my ex last year ), and she has told her kids, who have told the neighbours kids, .................

Now my daughter was accepting and encouraging of Debs when she was living here, but we recently had a huge fall out, and I know that this ex friend (who was heavily involved in my daughter and my fallout), has been drinking with my daughter and another friend who was involved in the fall out, I strongly suspect that after a few bevvies we have been discussed .............. they will regret this, this I promise, none of them are squeeky clean

[Bobbi Em]

Yeap, that's gotta hurt...HUGS!!...On the other hand, holding your head high, smiling instead of cowering. Kid's will be kids, and teens are good at what they do.

But living well is the best revenge, and even though it may take a while, this may be one small way of making the world a better place as you get to know your new neighbors, and they get to know you.

And who knows, there may even be someone in that "pack" who needs you as Deb.

Bobbi

[Tracey Corset]

Hi Debs, I'm sorry this has happened to you as i have been following your progress with Sheila with lots of affection for you both, i live down south, probably near to where you were and my wife is from Manchester, she took the decision to come down here with her 2 children then aged 5 and 7 to move in with me and it was a very big step as she too left behind family, That was 11 years ago,i think you are feeling a bit insecure at the moment and thats fully understandable, its a very big decision the older you get, the prize for you is the lovely Sheila and your future together, I am sure you will get through this, we are all behind you both, good luck
Tracey

[Sam-antha]

Keep going as you have started. You are you. The kids just think that they have a new toy. I know that sounds crude but such things do not last with them. They do not know the hurt and they forget. You will go on, more confident, braver and better than before, cos something of worth has been gained ;
Self respect for yourself as Debs, a thing that is necessary and great, but so taken for granted until tested, as you have been tested.

~Samm

[shesadvl]

to debs n sheila... well you to are living life for you 2, as shelly said some people have small minds they should live and let live,.. kids dont think outside the square when it comes to other peoples lives....
best form of action is NOT to react....just go about your lives as you are...

debs

BTW....Even alpha males have insecurities, mine were caused by something that happened to me in my past......It messed my life up then, i spent a lifetime dealing with it and in so doing turned myself into something that wasn't me, but it helped me to survive
[I've been in therapy because of it and thought i'd got my demons behind me.....Looks like i was wrong

dont let the remarks that these... that dont know any better shake you,...You have come a long way from your comment above , as I am sure...dont let them rock your new boat.... you are both to strong for that.

Keep smiling keep walking forward and ignore them....as ignorance shows how small they are.... by ignoring them will give you bliss...

[Kelsy]

Debs,

I envy the fact that you have a secure alpha male persona! I'm basically insecure and full of self doubt no matter what mode I am in. I only partially fit into the male world and I am somewhat less of a female. It is a struggle but I am what I am. Chin up girl!!!

Kelsy

[janelle]

Hey Deb, I don't know if this will help you or not, but when I first came out, there where several things I had to do or go to. I heard many people laugh & saw them stare at me Iwanted to get back in my cave & never come out again. Even at work it was that way & yes, they all seemed to think because I changed I knew nothing anymore. That soon changed as they saw I was devoted to being me, in fact, now everyone asks me to help with their problems.
Its hard to change ones feelings or worries with so much that we have to go thu, but you have something I did not, you spouse. Trust her, let her help, believe in yourself & say the hell with those that don't understand. I found that most that comment really are not sure of who they are, think about that.

Guess what I am trying to say is my life was somewhat like yours. I knew who I was inside & wanted to fix it. Was the hassles & all that went with it worth it....YES, but it started with me. If you don't believe in yourself than no one will. Remember, kids are mean no matter what. People you work with will soon see that everything you are now is the same its just the shell(outside that has changed. I looked at it as most mom's always have to be strong for the family & thats what I did except it was for me.

Good luck sweetie, I am here if you wish to chat.

Hugs N Kisses to you dear,
Janelle