Relationships as a CDer

[Sherry-Stephanie]

Now that it appears that I'm embarking on "singledom" since the wife can't accept my dressing my thinking is this.

Are we better or worse off to be single if we can't have a wife or SO who can truly accept us as dressers? If we can have a few female friends who are OK with us gilrs will go out and do things with us as friends etc would that work better than to be in a relationship where at best we're jsut tolerated and in some cases disliked to the poiint tha the wife decides to find other males for ehr pleasure rather thna be with you....

Just thought I'd throw this one out and see what your thoughts are....I'm particulary interested in knowning how you all moved on after breakup with a wife or SO over the dressing issues and what you did or experienced as you embarked on your new life being single....

[Joni Marie Cruz]

Hi Sherry-Stephanie,

<hug> I know you've been going through a lot lately, I have read your posts even though I may not have commented. You have my sympathy and best wishes.

Oddly enough, my wife and I have sort of discussed this, not that we are planning to break up or seperate. (Knock on wood.) My feeling is that if our relationship collapsed it would not be worth the mental and emotional energy to pursue a new one. If one sort of came along, that would be okay, but all the hassle of dating and working on a new relationship, and they do require work, would be just too much. So the occasional one night stand if it should present itself, but a long term monogamous one, not this girl. Sorry if that sounds kind of cheap or tawdry or self-centered.

Just my thoughts. Best of luck to you, hon.

Hugs...Joni Mari

[Sherry-Stephanie]

I seriously doubt that there would be another relationship in the offering...but a simple friendship I think would be fine....at least that's what I'm thinking...since gg's are more accepting of CDers/gay guys etc as friends....plus being intimate with a female is impossible for me now physically that is....

[Kate Simmons]

My opinion? Even the best of relationships with accepting SO's has to have bad days. Days when the dressing is the farthest thing from their mind but there nonetheless and annoying. By having such a relationshp, we willingly make our SO a "partner in crime" sharing the secret that cannot be revealed to others for whatever reason. That never happened with me as my wife was never accepting but if she were I would have had to consider whether or not to place that burden on her shoulders. It's not as easy for accepting SO's as it may look.

[Rachel Morley]

Are we better or worse off to be single if we can't have a wife or SO who can truly accept us as dressers?

That's a very personal decision that only you can make, but if it were me, I know I'd rather be single than be with a woman who doesn't accept it.

It's a little bit different for me as I'm extremely fortunate because my wife actually likes a feminine partner and looked to date a CDer before she met me. If (God forbid) something ever happened and we weren't together anymore, after I took a million years to get over it, I don't think I could be with someone who couldn't accept this part of me.

[Miranda-E]

Now that it appears that I'm embarking on "singledom" since the wife can't accept my dressing my thinking is this.

Are we better or worse off to be single if we can't have a wife or SO who can truly accept us as dressers?

Much better off.

If we can have a few female friends who are OK with us gilrs will go out and do things with us as friends etc would that work better than to be in a relationship where at best we're jsut tolerated and in some cases disliked to the poiint tha the wife decides to find other males for ehr pleasure rather thna be with you....

Friends are much better than staying in a mentally abusive relationship

[Sarah...]

First of all, I'm sorry to hear that your relationship has foundered. That's tough under any circumstances.

I gave some thought to your question:

Are we better or worse off to be single if we can't have a wife or SO who can truly accept us as dressers?

So, let's not get into semantics of CD / TS / TG definitions and where you fit etc etc. Lets just go with the title as it applies to a CDer. And let's assume a part-time CDer. What if you had asked:

Are we better or worse off to be single if we can't have a wife or SO who can truly accept us as climbers?

...or:

Are we better or worse off to be single if we can't have a wife or SO who can truly accept us as cyclists?

...or:

Are we better or worse off to be single if we can't have a wife or SO who can truly accept us as christians?

...or:

Are we better or worse off to be single if we can't have a wife or SO who can truly accept us as atheists?

...or:

Are we better or worse off to be single if we can't have a wife or SO who can truly accept us as executives?

...or:

Are we better or worse off to be single if we can't have a wife or SO who can truly accept us as blue collar workers?

...or:

Are we better or worse off to be single if we can't have a wife or SO who can truly accept us as republicans?

If you were any of those things and believed in them strongly enough then surely you are better off being single, to address your question in a very singular manner. Why would you seek to spend your life with someone if they could not accept who you were? So, although it is so painful for both parties, decisions about relationship longevity need to be taken for the best outcome for both people.

So, there's a singular answer.

However, don't assume that you can't have a wife or SO who truly accepts you as "a dresser". That's not the case.

Sarah...

[Misty is Kindafem]

Sorry if that sounds kind of cheap or tawdry or self-centered.

What? Not you honey.

You're not self centered at all.

-Misty

[Joni Marie Cruz]

What? Not you honey.

You're not self centered at all.

-Misty

I know! And I am so working on that. It needs to be more about me, me, me, dammit!

Hugs...Joni Mari

[CD Susan]

Sherry-Stephanie, I am sorry to hear of the situation you are in because of your dressing. I was in a similar situation many years ago. My wife at that time was not accepting of my cd'ing and was convinced that I must be gay (not true) to want to do this. She was very closed minded and no amount of trying to get her to at least tolerate my dressing if not accept it would work. My mistake was not telling her before we got married and I realise that was wrong of me. I thought that being married would "cure" me of my strange habit but soon discovered that this was not going to happen. After enduring many years of a marriage where there was no love I filed for divorce. That was the smartest move I ever made and we are both much better off now. That was 14 years ago and since then I have never had any desire to remarry. I much more prefer being single and I live a life now of complete happiness. This may not be the path that you wish to follow, all I am saying is that this is the way that I prefer to live. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.

[Sherry-Stephanie]

CD Susan...My wife at that time was not accepting of my cd'ing and was convinced that I must be gay

Here's the funny thing about this whole situation which I am having a bit of a problem coming to terms with....

My wife is Bi...and she when we first started dating aksed if I'd like to exprience another guy...so she set it all up and after wards became jealous of the fact that I was also bi...and has been ever since. My dressing ahs come out of my bisexuality....of which she was very isntrumental in bring out...so it's that issue she's telling me is the cause along with the fact she wants to be single again and free to day...and she doesn't love me like she did when we got married and it's been 10 years that she hasn't felt in love with me....but keep in mind I've only dressed for the past year and 4 months....so I really think the issues here that is killing this marriage is others reasons than my dressing..."the dressing is the issue that makes her look like the poor victim" in all of this....rather than her bailing out on me...JMHO

[LilSissyStevie]

....plus being intimate with a female is impossible for me now physically that is....

You've said that several times in your various threads. That seems to me to be the elephant in the living room. If I couldn't function any more it would only be the end of a good part of my sex life but it certainly wouldn't be the end of hers. Maybe you need to learn some new skills. Sure, it won't be as satisfying for you - at least not in the same way, but do it for her. Heck, do it for England.

[sissystephanie]

Sherry, I am really sorry to hear that you and your wife are splitting up. Of course, most of those on the forum know that I was happily married for 49+ years to a dear lady who was totally supportive from the very beginning. Only in the last 4 years, since she passed away, have I experienced what it is like to be alone as a CD. I do have loving chidren and lots of friends. I also am fortunate to have a very dear GGF, who does know that I CD and doesn't care! I can, and do, talk to her about it, but nothing else occurs. She is, as I said, a dear friend, but she is married! I would never come between any married couple, no matter what.

Also, I have no desire to be a woman so men don't interest me at all!

What I wonder, Sherry, is what is more important to you? From your posts I think I already know, but the question is this. Is crossdressing more important to you than your marriage? And as far as the sexual side of marriage, I also have had for years a physical problem like you. But there are many other ways to satisfy a woman sexually, besides letting her find another man!

Have you tried to talk to your wife about setting boundaries for crossdressing? Have you tried any type of counseling? During the 49 years of our marriage, my wife and I counseled (without any formal training!) several couples who were having similar problems. The main answer, which has been mentioned many times on this forum, is open and honest communication. No marriage will succeed without that!

But marriage is a two party give and take! Both parties must be willing to give a little, or the marriage will not endure very long.

Sorry for the length of this, but I just had to get it off my bosum!!

[Sherry-Stephanie]

You've said that several times in your various threads. That seems to me to be the elephant in the living room. If I couldn't function any more it would only be the end of a good part of my sex life but it certainly wouldn't be the end of hers. Maybe you need to learn some new skills. Sure, it won't be as satisfying for you - at least not in the same way, but do it for her. Heck, do it for England.

There in lies a significant part of the problem ..she's rejected me and refuses to help me learn new skills....thus the reason she's already gone out with other guys and the reason she wanted to be single

What I wonder, Sherry, is what is more important to you? From your posts I think I already know, but the question is this. Is crossdressing more important to you than your marriage

I've even offered to give it up even when I started to dress...I told her that I'd stop and not do it if it meant that our marriage/relationship would suffer...she never asked me to stop.... Even now I've said I stop if that would bring her back...she said she's always have in the back of her mind that I'd wan tto be a girl....and that it wouldn't matter now...

Sooo does that answer your question?????

[AKAMichelle]

That's a very personal decision that only you can make, but if it were me, I know I'd rather be single than be with a woman who doesn't accept it.

AMEN

I know what you mean by this comment. I have been thinking about it a lot lately. I think I would be much happier alone than with someone who doesn't accept. That's why I was separated for a year, and now may be nearing a conclusion with a divorce.

[leggylisa]

As my entire lifestyle isnt based around dressing i think my wife accepts it enough for us to live as normal, we love eachother a huge amount and i dont think that this would ever break us up. Myself i dont go out and about dressed and it is a purely indoor sexual pleasure, i could see how it would be very hard for a partner to accept if you wanted to live like this. I hope you find what you are looking for in life and someone that can accept you

[Sherry-Stephanie]

But I've jsut started going out after she started going out with the guys and meeting them at bar recently....

[Jessie.tv]

Hi
I'm relatively new in here, besides that i'm Danish so please bare with me and my english - it's getting better in the future (I hope).

I read the post about Sherry-Stephanie's wife who is leaving because of her dressing.
It's a pitty, she can't "accept" it or can come to an arangenment where both can live together including the dressing.

Me, myself is a new girl, who has just discovered the pleasure of dressing - however I have my wife's full support doing this.
But her demand, was that I was still her husband (Wearing mens clothe) and not always dresses and skirts.

I agreed to this, because like Perkalite, I see this as a sexual "fetish" also - that both my Wife and I benefit from - we do a lot of roleplay and read stories about wifes who is dominating their husbands and feminize them.
So for Us both, it gives great pleasure.

So my conclusion is, because you dress and so on, you can get a relationship to work as a couple of girls already has said.

[Sherry-Stephanie]

Jeesie.tv

Welcome....you'll ahve to go and read all my posts to see what all the issues are here....

My wife and I ahven't been able to have sex for 12 years now....nor does she want to have sex with me....and being her "girlfriend" already has been rejected....

[LilSissyStevie]

There in lies a significant part of the problem ..she's rejected me and refuses to help me learn new skills....thus the reason she's already gone out with other guys and the reason she wanted to be single

It seems she's made up her mind. Some things can't be fixed once they're broken. Been there, done that. As to your original question, there is no reason, once you are single, to ever get involved with anyone that won't accept you. After my first wife I stayed single for 5 years. It took me that long to find my soul mate. If I hadn't found her I'd still be single. There is no reason to get involved with someone unless it's going to be an improvement over loneliness. You can use those new skills with someone who can appreciate them.

[Billijo49504]

I might be the next member of that club. And not by my choice....BJ

[Sherry-Stephanie]

I might be the next member of that club. And not by my choice....BJ

Sucks doesn't it?.......

[patricia 402]

well its just my opinion but i have been maried three times and have been on my owne now for a year and i hate beeing by myself ya i can do what i want were what i want whenever i want play dress up but i miss companionship i have my best freind from work but she has her husband hes ok a very lucky man but im still alone and that sucks i want to go thrue it again beeing with someone is better than beeing alone in my opinion for what its worth

[ReineD]

Are we better or worse off to be single if we can't have a wife or SO who can truly accept us as dressers?

Hope you don't mind a GGs

It all depends on the closeness you share with someone. Different couples are happy with differing levels of intimacy. Some partners prefer an arm's length type of relationship where they each live their own lives and others partners are only happy if they feel attached at the hip. Some want a soul mate while this would be a ball and chain to someone else.

If your priority is to have a deeply connected relationship with a wife you love and she returns your intensity of feelings, then IMO you both would find ways to compromise and reach a happy balance because you would not want to lose each other. You both would try to find ways to help one another be happy. Then the answer to your question would be that you are worse off alone.

But, if your priority is on being Sherry, and her priority is that you should not be Sherry, or if only one of you is willing to try to communicate and compromise, then there is a fundamental connectedness and love that is missing from your relationship and you are better off single. The same holds true if you do not want to be closely intimate with a woman who looks for a higher degree of connection in a relationship,

[Ronah]

On reading the different parts of this thread on whether it is better to live alone or in a loveless, unfriendly relationship I always think of a wonderful Spanish proverb, "Mejor solo que mal acompañado" which I translate as " better alone than in uncongenial company". I feel that one should be able to live contentedly by oneself the better to be able to appreciate good companionship if and when it presents itself. I also am looking for the suitable opportunity to get out of a loveless and antagonistic relationship but at my age and after nearly fifty years it is not easy to extricate myself.

Sherry - Stephanie only you can make the decision and I wish you the best of luck in the final outcome.