S.O. knows but

[Edika Michelle]

I came out to my so last October. She pretty much told me to keep it in the closet. She does not want to ever see me doing anything. So she knows, but it did not make things any better. I still the person I was before I told her. My question is, how do others in my situation deal with this.

[Mya Summers]

Hi Lisa,
How long have your SO and you been together? That makes a difference as well but to try and help you out a little bit, do it when she is not home. Do not try and push her into it. If anything slowly very slowly to try talking to her about it, if she put's her guard up and say's I don't want to talk about it stop so that it doesn't upset her anymore than it has all ready.If she does want to talk about it try explaining to her that it does not change your sexuality, your still a man under neath of everything, and you can also tell her about this site and to visit if she would like to and she can chat with other SO's of CDers and get advice and ask them how they deal with it.
I went through it with my wife, and a lot of other CDer's on this site has gone through the same thing themselves. A lot of the other CDer's SO's are more accepting of it than other's, some of them say that they just don't want to see it. My wife and I have rules about my CDing, and if your SO ever does come to terms with you CDing you will probably end up with rules as well.
I don't know if this has helped you any but it's the best I could come up with...But don't get discouraged over the situation.. Good luck and keep us informed of any changes.

Mya

[nancyish]

Dear Lisa,my wife lets me wear her socks,shorts,t shirts etc.I dont dress as a women but always wear women's clothes and of course,panties.This is good 4 me ,would this help you in the meanwhile?Nancy

[TGMarla]

I've been married some 15 years now, and although my wife know I crossdress, she doesn't speak to me about it, and seemingly does not wish to discuss it. I keep it under wraps out of deference to her, and I never dress in front of her. It's tough to keep it out of the way, but she has a right to not have it in her life, just as I have a right to have it in mine. I respect her wishes, and that's that.

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

I came out to my so last October. She pretty much told me to keep it in the closet. She does not want to ever see me doing anything. So she knows, but it did not make things any better. I still the person I was before I told her. My question is, how do others in my situation deal with this.

Not all women will enjoy the idea of their man having a feminine side. At least your wife did not lay down an ultimatum or ask you to seek therapy - that is a good sign. In terms of her ever liking this side of you, she might not ever warm up to it.

Some women just want a masculine (only) man. There's nothing wrong with that... unless you're a cd married to one. If you don't mind keeping that aspect of your life to yourself, then things should be fine. If you have a need to share it with your wife, in terms of being with her when you're en femme, etc., then you may have a tough journey ahead of you. Some wives end up warming up to it over time. I hope yours will. She may never be fully comfortable with it though and there's not much you can do to change how she feels. I'm sorry. If that is the case, you will simply have to deal, or ponder the idea that maybe she's just not the one for you. Marriages fail every day for a plethora of reasons - often compatibility issues are at the root of it. Are you and your wife compatible enough for a long, happy life together? You must decide.

I got lucky - my wife not only accepted my feminine side, she also enjoys it. Thank God for her in my life! Had she not been accepting, my marriage would have surely failed, and I would have let it. I kept this to myself for too many years. I couldn't keep it in anymore.

All cd's should come out to their love interest BEFORE they get married. Like many others, I did not, but that does not change the fact that this information should be disclosed PRIOR to getting married. It would allow a crossdresser the opportunity to hook up with a woman who would be accepting and love all of him rather than just his man-side. It would allow women who want a masculine-only man to avoid marriage with a crossdresser. And it would allow women who enjoy the idea of a crossdressing man to end up with one. My wife was intrigued by crossdressing long before I cam into her life. She is not unique. Plenty of women truly are interested in this... and I'm just rambling on now. Sorry about that.

Good luck, Lisamarie. I hope you find the solution that makes you AND your wife happy for the long haul.

[Helen 2]

I've been married some 15 years now, and although my wife know I crossdress, she doesn't speak to me about it, and seemingly does not wish to discuss it. I keep it under wraps out of deference to her, and I never dress in front of her. It's tough to keep it out of the way, but she has a right to not have it in her life, just as I have a right to have it in mine. I respect her wishes, and that's that.

My wife has known before we got married -20-something years ago. I told her the truth because I did not want to deal with my own internal struggle over either hiding it or being untruthful...

She knows I still dress when she's not around, and it's a 'dont ask, dont tell' arrangement. It's worked well for us for all these years....

She's on her way to the East Coat for three weeks in two weeks and I have many outings planned...

[donna anne]

I came out 5 years ago and my wife freaked. It was really tense for a couple of years. I used the " I'm the same person you married" line too. But you're not to her. If things are strong then it will work out. She has never seen my dressed, but washes my VS panties and does buy me some fem stuff every once in awhile. I think she finally does realize that I am the same guy she married as long as I dont flaunt it it front of her

[dawnmarrie1961]

Very carefully, LisaMarrie, very carefully. Your SO knows about your cding but that doesn't mean she accepts it. I'd tread lightly in your high heels, if I were you, or you may cause your marriage to go bust!! Never assume anything when it comes to your relationship. "For better or worse" sometimes doesn't cover crossdressing!

[Marissa Anne]

I have a tough time understanding how one can live happily with an SO who doesn't like a major part of you. It's one thing to take time to grow to understand and accept, but to hope only for silent tolerance is not enough.

I'm working through this with my wife, but I expect more than resentful silence. I can't live in that environment forever. It would be a sham if she didn't love ALL of me as I do her.

Marissa

[Ralph]

Marissa, it depends on what's more important to you. For a lot of people, a loving relationship with a compatible person is top priority, with the dressing a distant second. If I were attracted to someone who had all the other qualities I find important but she was unhappy with the dressing... you bet your bustier I'd keep the dressing out of her sight (but I wouldn't lie about it). Come to think of it, that's pretty much the relationship I have. She doesn't care what I wear around her, but she never wants to talk about it and she certainly never buys me things. And you know what? There's so much else to love about her, I don't care.

Secondly, a lot of folks either don't know themselves or are afraid to disclose it before the deal is sealed, so the wife never has a chance to back out before she becomes Mrs. Crossdresser. Opinions are strongly divided on this; I fall firmly on the side of making sure she knows before you get married, so if it's something that bothers her too much to deal with, either of you can call it off without a big mess.

But for those who for whatever reason are already in the relationship before they come out (willingly or by accident), they're stuck in an ugly situation - either turn their back on the woman they committed to "for better or for worse", or stay in a relationship that will always have that pink, skirted elephant in the room.

What are you going to do if your wife never accepts what you do? Will you decide the dresses are more important than the wife, and leave her? You'll have to pardon me if I don't consider that the moral high ground here.

[Sheila]

I have a tough time understanding how one can live happily with an SO who doesn't like a major part of you. It's one thing to take time to grow to understand and accept, but to hope only for silent tolerance is not enough.

I'm working through this with my wife, but I expect more than resentful silence. I can't live in that environment forever. It would be a sham if she didn't love ALL of me as I do her. Marissa

can I assume you did not tell your wife prior to marriage ?...........if so then I have a hard time understanding why you feel she should accept this "IMPORTANT" part of you that you chose to reveal after you married :

I'm working through this with my wife, but I expect more than resentful silence. I can't live in that environment forever. It would be a sham if she didn't love ALL of me as I do her.

..What are you going to do if your wife never accepts what you do? Will you decide the dresses are more important than the wife, and leave her? You'll have to pardon me if I don't consider that the moral high ground here.

yup

Lisa,things can take years, they may never move on from here, so oft hun, it is said that you remain the man we married, I will not argue with that, but what did change for me when I discovered my ex's cding was that I took a long hard look at myself and asked me why? why I didn't notice the lies and deciept he practised for over 2 years( I honestly did not care that he dressed,but I did give a damn about the fact that he made me feel I was a fool, that he didn't trust me enough to tell me .................. so you see it is not all about you, sometimes it is about us and how we feel............ perhaps seeing you dressed or talking about it would remind her just how stupid she really is, it may not be that for your wife, but itwas for me and to be honest, even though he is an ex of nearly a year, I still feel he thought I was an idiot)

[Edika Michelle]

Before we were married my wife would ask to set my hair, and even put mascara on me. She would ask if she could, I did not ask her, so of course I would say yes. Even after we were married we would do the hair nails etc., but never dress. Back then I did not know why I enjoyed this so much. I used to take my sister's things and dress etc when I was younger. Oh, my wife and I have beem married for 36 years.

[Georgia Rose]

Its very hard for lots of people to accept the person they are married to is not really the person they thought they were.

I didn't even start CDing until 37 years after marriage. I can't keep a secret from my wife so she got to know very quickly (it occurred while she was away helping family for a couple of months). At first she didn't really want to know. However she wanted to find out about CDing and I gave her a couple of websites I'd found (not this one as I hadn't found it then). Once she had some understanding that I wasn't suddenly turning gay, wasn't going to transition into a female etc she became quite accepting.

Now it is a small part of our life. I try not to put it in her face but will fully dress usually at least once a week when she is around. If she is away I dress a lot more. I regularly wear "girly" type clothes when just the 2 of us are home.

Give her time and try and help her understand. This is a great site for information for those trying to understand why their husband is suddenly someone different than the person they thought he was.

[RachelDenise]

OK, I didn't tell my wife before we were married. My fault and I wish I could change that. However, to live in silence without acceptance of an important part of you slowly dissolves the intamcy of a marriage as well. When you are rejected by the one who loves you, it hurts. I understand about trust and betrayal but there comes a time when you should at least be able to discuss it. Not 23 years.......

[shannonFL]

Maybe I need to define acceptance in the context of my own marriage, i.e.,
because we are still together, does she "accept"? Found out before, at least as much as I knew at the time (early '90's) but doesn't want to see ,read or learn anything at all, makes negative comments on my body, smooth legs etc.
I have to tell you, it really hurts that part of who you are is rejected by the one you love. But we are still together, is that "acceptance"?
Discussion is over for her, permenently, her stated biggest "resentment" is that I appear to not give up hope she will change.
Does this mean that we are "happily" married? We both may have disappointments in that regard, but I must be honest with myself, there are times when I question whether living alone wouldn't be such a bad thing.

[Marissa Anne]

First off, I'm not laying claim to moral high ground, or posting because I think I'm better than you or anyone else on this board.

Did I tell my wife? No, because after my teen-years experimentation with wearing my sister's stuff, it receded to the background for me. I went through a period of time where I thought I was gay, and had relationships with other men. Then I started dating women again and met my wife, whereupon I told her of my male relationships once we started dating. So I wasn't hiding anything if that's what you're asking.

Why should she accept this important part of me? Because I've always accepted her, and we took vows to that, to paraphrase, mean for better or worse, and to always support each other no matter what. She knows that I take this seriously, and this "crossdressing" thing or whatever you want to call it has become a significant part of me.

Now that those answers are out of the way, let me be clearer on my point:

There is a lot of one-way compromise that I'm reading about in these forums to the extent that it appears to be systemic. It's ok that your SO says "don't ask don't tell"? That, in the short term, may be appropriate to help her move through the stages towards both acceptance and support. But to suggest that this is ok long-term is tantamount to denial over what appears to be a non-supportive relationship. And in that case, yes, you have to ask yourself why you're in it. Because if your not in it for support, it's really not a marriage or union anymore is it?

Now that said, there is a great deal of difference between someone who dresses in women's clothing for fun or fetish, and someone who identifies with significant female personality traits or whatever you want to label it. I find myself in the latter category, so I can totally understand someone in the former category being able to keep it under wraps from their partner.

The art and science of communication is difficult, but essential to our emotional well-being. Being asked to subordinate that is poisonous and it's just a matter of time before the inability to share what you love and enjoy with your partner will erode the relationship anyway.

As I write this, I am going through this, so it is not a hypothetical situation for me. But I want to thank everyone on this thread for posting, whether I agree with them or not, because the process has caused this to gel in my brain and for the first time in six weeks since I came out to my wife, I know exactly what I want and how to ask for it.

can I assume you did not tell your wife prior to marriage ?...........if so then I have a hard time understanding why you feel she should accept this "IMPORTANT" part of you that you chose to reveal after you married :



yup

Lisa,things can take years, they may never move on from here, so oft hun, it is said that you remain the man we married, I will not argue with that, but what did change for me when I discovered my ex's cding was that I took a long hard look at myself and asked me why? why I didn't notice the lies and deciept he practised for over 2 years( I honestly did not care that he dressed,but I did give a damn about the fact that he made me feel I was a fool, that he didn't trust me enough to tell me .................. so you see it is not all about you, sometimes it is about us and how we feel............ perhaps seeing you dressed or talking about it would remind her just how stupid she really is:confused, it may not be that for your wife, but itwas for me and to be honest, even though he is an ex of nearly a year, I still feel he thought I was an idiot)

[Marissa Anne]

Sorry for the thread extension here, but after reading Ralph's post again I don't think I did it justice in my last response.

It's not about deciding that the dresses are more important. It's about being able to be who you are, and sharing all of your life with that person. Thats what the vows are about. You shouldn't have to pick and choose.

Ralph suggested that, "For a lot of people, a loving relationship with a compatible person is top priority, with the dressing a distant second". I totally get that. But as I read more posts on this board (conceding my short tenure here), that doesn't seem to represent the majority by any means. Ralph's statement could be interpreted as, "Honey I love you, but...", and I believe everything before the "but" in a sentence is total BS.

No-one ever said that once you got married that you're not allowed to change; it's rather opposite. What we did say in our vows is that you're supposed to love and cherish each other unconditionally (once again paraphrasing or giving my view of it anyway). Once the relationship becomes conditional, then it becomes less of a marriage/union, and more of an "understanding/arrangement". That's truly sad. Once again, I see a lot of posts especially involving new people that promote this concept that its ok to subordinate this part of you to spare your partner (or are you just sparing yourself the effort?), and I find that distasteful. It literally turns my stomach to consider it.

What do I want out of this thread contribution? For people to read it and imagine something better is possible: that through setting your sights higher than don't ask-don't tell, and working with your partner through great effort and ensuring that you keep communicating your desired outcome, that you want more than grudging acceptance --- you want your life-partner to fully and unconditionally support you, as you will them.

If you think that something less than this is acceptable, then as Henry Ford said, "Whether you think you can or you can't, you're probably right.".

We ALL deserve better than don't ask-don't tell.

Marissa

Marissa, it depends on what's more important to you. For a lot of people, a loving relationship with a compatible person is top priority, with the dressing a distant second. If I were attracted to someone who had all the other qualities I find important but she was unhappy with the dressing... you bet your bustier I'd keep the dressing out of her sight (but I wouldn't lie about it). Come to think of it, that's pretty much the relationship I have. She doesn't care what I wear around her, but she never wants to talk about it and she certainly never buys me things. And you know what? There's so much else to love about her, I don't care.

Secondly, a lot of folks either don't know themselves or are afraid to disclose it before the deal is sealed, so the wife never has a chance to back out before she becomes Mrs. Crossdresser. Opinions are strongly divided on this; I fall firmly on the side of making sure she knows before you get married, so if it's something that bothers her too much to deal with, either of you can call it off without a big mess.

But for those who for whatever reason are already in the relationship before they come out (willingly or by accident), they're stuck in an ugly situation - either turn their back on the woman they committed to "for better or for worse", or stay in a relationship that will always have that pink, skirted elephant in the room.

What are you going to do if your wife never accepts what you do? Will you decide the dresses are more important than the wife, and leave her? You'll have to pardon me if I don't consider that the moral high ground here.

[iwearstockings]

well you have done a lot more that most which is bring it up in the first place. That is the most difficult part out of the way already. In my opinion you might try bringing the subject up ( either roundabout way or just an honest 'I need to tallk to you about this') Try for a time that your S/O has no other major things going on. Be as brutally honest as you can about how you feel. She knows already but hasn't run away so there's something right from the off.
Be brave and remember that you're not confessing to a murder, just that you want to talk to your wife about a part of your sexuality. That you want to talk to her because you love her and want her love and acceptance.
Ralph I honestly believe that if a woman cannot accept this thing I do then there is a fundamental difference that cannot be resolved. I would not want to be with a woman that would not even talk to me about it.

[Sarah Renee]

Hi Lisa Marie,
I understand you situation. My S.O. knows and she said she doesn't care as long as she doesn't see it. I didn't hide it in the beginning but things moved so fast to really tell her. I keep all my things out of sight. I wish she was more accepting because it's a side of me she has never seen and I think she would have fun. We have a child together so that makes it even harder because I have to hide it from them as well. It's very hard to live a life where you are constantly having to cover your tracks so nothing is seen. I am only in this realtionship for the sake of my child. If I ever get into another relationship I will make sure they know up front. The only things I could suggest is for your S.O. to visit this site or read some other websites dedicated to CD's and their partners.

[Tasha McIntyre]

I came out to my so last October. She pretty much told me to keep it in the closet. She does not want to ever see me doing anything. So she knows, but it did not make things any better. I still the person I was before I told her. My question is, how do others in my situation deal with this.

My situation exactly Lisa. I told my wife about the same time, after a decade together. Leaving it that late was a bit untidy......OK, very untidy BUT at least no longer secret which is the first of many important steps.

My wife chose (until very recently) to keep herself in the dark about my CDing........don't wanna know - talk to the hand kinda thing. I bet your wife feels threatened, vulnerable, confused, and alone......who are you really? what else are you hiding? Let's face it, she can't just call up a few girlfriends and talk it through like she would with most other problems.

If you can somehow get her to read a few threads here, esp from the loved ones section she'll realise she ain't alone, and she might just obtain an understanding of your (our) curious little obsession. Then all you have to do is answer her many questions openly and honestly. Not easy but it can be done.

Good luck.

Tash

[Elizabeth2-]

Lisa,

Relationships are built on the acceptance and truth. I made your mistake with my SO. (did not tell her up front) It has taken over 20 years for her to accept all of me. It started with me telling her the truth about me. It was scary, but I did just what you did. I started with the truth.

Today, my wife brought me a new set of makeup brushes. We went through the closets for the season with me dressed and trying on things and she was trying on things.

Today for the first time, she could not keep from replying to me and calling me in the femme.

Stick with the truth. Go slow. Try not to worry.

Liz

[Sheila]

Lisa, if you click on the highlited text it will take you to a sticky in this section, that us GG's have said how we feel [SIZE="4"]THE GOOD & THE BAD[/SIZE], it tells of some of our struggles & our triumphs, some posts are from newer GG's and some from older hands, they were written by us and posted ANONYMOUSLY, so that we could say how we felt without hurting our partners while at the same time sharing our concerns and worries, like I said some of the posts also tell of our triumphs as couples ........... hope they help

[Presh GG]

In my opinion, I think it is up to you to tell your so's what it is you NEED.
No gg is a mind reader. Some have no clue how important it is to you. So please just tell her gently and give her a chance to understand.

I think / hope / pray many of you will be pleasantly surprized but only if you're
honest with your needs.

respectfully,
springtime gg

[Pattie O]

I can empathise ;I am in a similar situation.I just hope that time may allow me some more freedom with crossdressing and I suppose thats where rules may come in to play.
Good luck
Pattie

[guardian832]

I know it's hard, my SO and I have 35 years togtether. She knows, but denies to herself that it's going on. I keep it to myself and away from her. I wish that I could share this with her, and even get advice. But, I would do whatever is needed to keep the peace; she means that much to me. Look at all your options, and do what is necessary for your situation. Best of luck