My husband wants to be a Girl!

[Marybeth_1966]

Yikes--how many of us have had an argument with our significant others when our private live come up as a back hand slap! I realize that this is a lot to dump on our wives, girlfriend, lovers but god it hurts when we have been so honest and you SO or GF or BF throws this in your facs in an argument. We all start with the most honest and painfull admission of being a cd and that lasts about 6 months till you get into a major arguement and suddenly your trashed with a couple of cold, painfull words. For me it was my own doing in that I explained how much I like to dress to my girlfriend and I can only guess that she did not understand my desires. As in any relationship, words are exchanged. It hurts sooo much when your so honest and it is accepted but then used against you. sorry feeling blue

[sarahNZ]

all I can say is I hope it doesn't turn right around for you like it did for me

I feel your pain and have been there before, I just hope you and yours can work it out together. other wise like the percentage of us that have been there and not been able to bring it all back you may just have to call it a day to save you and your SO more pain in the long run.

Hope these will cheer you up a bit

[Persephone]

Really sorry to hear about what just happened to you, Marybeth.

Unfortunately, it is in those moments of anger that a person's true feelings come out. While she used your crossdressing (and your honesty about it) as a way to lash out at you, it could have been any grudge that she was holding against you. It really tells you more about her than it does about you.

It may be a long way from my house to your house, but, like others here, I'm here to hold your hand. Things will get better for you again.

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

...For me it was my own doing in that I explained how much I like to dress to my girlfriend and I can only guess that she did not understand my desires. As in any relationship, words are exchanged. It hurts sooo much when your so honest and it is accepted but then used against you. sorry feeling blue

Are you blaming this on yourself? If so, why?

You have the right to be yourself. It is the right thing to do letting our gf know about who you are. Keeping secrets like this in relationships results in the relationship being built (at least in part) on lies, and that usually leads to trouble later on.

If your gf doesn't like this part of you, what does that tell you? If she knows that it's a big part of you and uses it against you in a heated argument, what does that tell you?

Unless the argument started out in the crossdressing arena, none of that should be brought up out of anger. It sounds to me that she is not treating you well. What are you going to do about it? I know deep emotions and feelings of attachment and need come into play, but if you don't stand up for yourself and let it be known that this kind of behavior is unacceptable, you'll be "feeling blue" probably as often as you two have an argument.

Not healthy, Marybeth. You deserve better.

[latitude45]

I hope it all works out for you Marybeth. Just remember you have to be yourself, especially now after coming out to her.


It's a lot to think about, and a tough decision to make.

[mklinden2010]

Your post goes to the heart of my concerns about Crossdressing, Crossdressers, and, relationships.

Look, if it's "honest and painful" maybe you should just stick with honest and let them understand the painful part. If they don't get it, then, "Good luck to both of us... I just thought I should bring this up." Good for you for being honest. Get on with life elsewhere.

I've found that making a declaration about myself is taking a stand on who I am and what I'm going to do. I don't compromise anymore and I don't worry: "What is to be, will be." If I tell you something and you keep standing there, that's assent and support. If you stab me later, then it's time for me to get away from YOU. No two people should stay together just for the sake of winning an argument.

Stop worrying so much about what's wrong and what could go wrong. Stick with what works and what feels right. You'll find your way in all this and you'll be happier too. And, odds are very good that if you have your life together, you will be (more) attractive to someone else and you'll both be happier with each other than with anyone else.

Good living and good luck.

[Angie G]

Sorry your down Marybeth. Hope things improve girl.
Angie

[dawnmarrie1961]

Marybeth, as with any close relationship between two individuals there is always intimate knowledge of each others imperfections. Often in the heat of a disagreement those faults are unintentionally brought up as a way of immediately going for the jugular vein to stop the argument because both parties aren't ready to have a positive conversation yet. Unfortunately this usually has the opposite result of causing an escalation and the whole verbal exchange goes quickly out of control. Nobody wins in a situation like that and nothing is ever resolved.

When this happens it is best to step back and wait for emotions to cool down. Setup some mutually agreed parameters for dialog and resume a civil and productive conversation.

[Jennifer N J]

I feel for you marybeth, I too have had those types of arguments when I was married. While in the heat of an argument we all say or do things that we don't really mean. I agree with Dawnmarie. What is important is once the argument is over, what happened? Did you make up, or is there a grudge factor? As hard as some of our spouses, so's, or gf's try to accept who we are, it can be as hard for them to completely accept us as it was for us to tell them because of how most of society dictates what is normal or accepted and what is not. If you made up, Im sure she will or did appologize for what she did or said and I would accept an appology. But, she knows who you are and acceptance is her decision. My suggestion is be true to yourself by being yourself.

[Chari]

Great advice from all previous posts! You are to be commended for being honest and open from the beginning of your relationship about your feminine desires. Many of us here continue to live with our secret femme life for years in fear of your situation happening to us. You have made the choice to tell your feelings in hopes to find understanding from another, but sadly this confrontation has created more hostility, rather than comfort & care for each other. Continue with communication, and hopefully she may comprehend and accept this "special" part of you. Be forgiving, as we all say things in hast.

[mklinden2010]

I'm revisiting this post because it seems an accepted "given" in the post that people always treat each other badly in their relationships when given the opportunity.

That is simply not true. In a good relationship, people treat each other well all the time, barring misunderstandings or mistakes. And, in a GREAT relationship, such misunderstandings and mistakes are truly few and far between - and quickly corrected.

Everyone, including SOs, has a learning curve in life and in relationships. But, we're here, or, should be here, to do and learn on our way to something better than "so-so" relationships - no pun intended.

Practice on each other, if you must. But, realize that the goal is always a happy relationship where both people can enjoy their lives while in the company of someone they truly like, respect, and support. If you're in a relationship and you're far short of those goals, consider all possible changes and take the high road to getting both of you closer to what you really need in life - even if you have to take that road separately in the future.

There should be classes on how to be a good S.O., son, daughter, etc. Too bad most that classroom experience is what we call, "life," rather than a formal setting where we're taught and tested on our understanding of the golden rule, etc. before we start practicing on each other with shared rent, commutes, kids, and so forth tossed into the equation.

Don't settle for what you have if you're not happy.

You can and should do better; everybody can and should.

[VeronikaDonahue]

OK, it is fine to be who you are, but at the same time, we as Crossdressers need to remember one thing. Literally we are still men(as much I hate to say that), and we handle things differently from women. We laugh at things sometimes, that women consider vulgar. They cry when we just shrug it off. I think that if we are to maintain successful relationships, we have to have some empathy for our partners. We have to go slow, and show them that it is not all about us, but what we can offer that other person involved in the relationship. I read a good portion of the posts on here, and I see how some people lose their SO because of their own selfishness. I apologize if I offend anyone, but it saddens me to hear of all the struggles people go through, when there are so many different alternatives to explore. I personally am in a relationship with a wonderful woman, and we TALK about everything. We are honoring women by wanting to be like them, not the other way around (no offense to the FtM people on here). Remember, walk a mile in her shoes before doing or saying something you will regret. It works for me, and I know it can for you as well.

[linnea]

Throwing crossdressing or anything else in the face of someone suggests that the party of the first part (the thrower) views crossdressing as a negative quality, thinks that it is wrong in some sense (moral, ethical, legal, etc.), and believes that it affects other parts of personality and behavior.
Throwing it or bringing it up in an argument is a defense mechanism meant to protect the thrower from the opposition point of view.
It's not fair; it's not right; it's abusive.
However, it's typical and you probably can't do anything about it in the short term. In the long term there may be hope.
I hope that things get better for you. In the meantime, you can remember that no one has the power to make you mad or angry or sad by themselves. You are in control of your responses. If someone flips you off, you can control your response; you don't HAVE to throw out an angry response.

[kasha]

You should be proud of yourself for being honest. Without a doubt it is the most difficult aspect to dressing. Being honest with the people in our lives and honest with ourselves. And you've done both. Your girl, while she didn't handle it in the best way, has her right to feel how she feels. But just remember, you have a right to not be spoken to in such a manner.

Take Care,
Kasha