Being a Crossdresser around Children

[Stephanie Heplby]

[SIZE="3"]A topic of some significant interest for me is how crossdressers (myself included) relate to children. Most often, what I read and hear indicates that children are shielded (I will not say “protected”) from their father’s crossdressing.

There is very little scholarly literature about crossdressing and its impact on children, but I did find this book:
Out of the Ordinary: essays on growing up with gay, lesbian, and transgender parents. Noelle Howey & Ellen Samuels, eds. St. Martin’s Press, NY (2000).
(Probably not available from your local library.)

The take-away from Out of the Ordinary is that the children of these parents probably had less trouble adjusting than the parents did. However, this was still largely within the context of closeted parents coming out to their children. What if you are already out?

I am a crossdresser, plain and simple. I do not yet have children, but will likely soon. Should I be hiding my feminine side from my children? I cannot imagine doing so. Part of what makes me want to dress is the femininity to which I have access, which is something I feel strongly should be passed to a new generation. I have no interest in raising another generation of closed-minded, stereotypical boys and girls.

However, given the way that many people feel about crossdressers, being out with my own child may cause significant problems for me, my child, and my whole family. (See Gabrielle Hermosa’s blog posts about crossdressing myths, particularly numbers 4 and 3 on mental illness and perversion, respectively here: http://www.mycdlife.com/category/crossdressing-myths ).

Some people are likely to consider me a pervert who is not safe with children. Frankly, as an adult male, I get this already; adult males who like children and talk to them in ways similar to GGs are frowned upon. People clearly think it is odd that I genuinely like children (just one more aspect of my femininity?) to the point that some are uncomfortable when I sit reading books or coloring with their kids. Women are allowed to hold any random child or just sit down to play, but men are not. (Yes, I realize that men are statistically significantly more likely to be predators than women.)

Now what do we suppose will happen if these people find out that I am a crossdresser? Not only am I an adult male who enjoys the company of happy children, but I wear a skirt, too. Watch out moms everywhere, there is a pervert in your midst!

How have people handled crossdressing with their own children, their friends’ children, or even people you meet on the street, in the park, or in the grocery store?
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[Carroll]

I have three children, two boys 21, and 10 and a 7y daughter. All know about Carroll, and I have and do dress around them. As far as them telling others, I don't worry about it. I don't tell them its a secret, but yet a private family thing. A call to Child Protective service a while back brought them to the house (Unrelated to CDing, and unfounded) and I was dressed. I was unable to make the "mad-dash" and ended up talking to her dressed. After talking about the so-called claim, She said that cross dressing was a non-issue with them as long as it didn't affect the children and they were not being mistreated. She talked to both younger kids and praised my wife and I on raising our kids to be open-minded.
I fell the younger you start to teach them that no one person is the same and we all have very unique and special talents, the better prepared the are when they start to explore that world.

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

I am a crossdresser, plain and simple. I do not yet have children, but will likely soon. Should I be hiding my feminine side from my children?

No, you should not.

I cannot imagine doing so. Part of what makes me want to dress is the femininity to which I have access, which is something I feel strongly should be passed to a new generation. I have no interest in raising another generation of closed-minded, stereotypical boys and girls.

That is EXACTLY why you should not hide yourself (your complete self) from your children. If you allow your children to get to know you from a young age, having a crossdressing father will be perfectly normal to them... except for when they realize that their friends' dads don't do it too. You will need to explain how the world works when it comes to that, but that must be done by all parents on various levels anyway. It's a crazy world out there, and that has nothing to do with crossdressing.

However, given the way that many people feel about crossdressers, being out with my own child may cause significant problems for me, my child, and my whole family. (See Gabrielle Hermosa’s blog posts about crossdressing myths, particularly numbers 4 and 3 on mental illness and perversion, respectively here: http://www.mycdlife.com/category/crossdressing-myths ).

I am somewhat familiar with those crossdressing myths. I'm sure there is a very good reason Gabrielle Hermosa spent so much of her time properly BUSTING them.

Some people are likely to consider me a pervert who is not safe with children.

Yep. Some people will also think the same of an old man, who comes from a more gentile time, who stops to say hi to a little boy at a park, having only the friendliest of intentions. 30 years ago, people could say hi to kids without being looked at as potential child predators. Today that is not the case. What happened? The point is people will always have a problem with other people. You don't need to be a cd for that to take place... although it does increase the odds.

Now what do we suppose will happen if these people find out that I am a crossdresser? Not only am I an adult male who enjoys the company of happy children, but I wear a skirt, too. Watch out moms everywhere, there is a pervert in your midst!

What happens depends greatly on how you carry yourself. People have a problem with other people all the time. It can start because someone looked at someone the wrong way on the street one day, and then all of a sudden - neighborhood war breaks out. It's a crazy world out there. You can allow that to take away your right to be yourself. We ALL have to deal with crap sometimes. The same goes for any non-cd.

I've encouraged other parents to be open around their children. I truly believe it is the right thing to do...

Perhaps it is better said that in the not too distant future, that is exactly what will be the norm. People WILL in fact be themselves around their children because in the future there will be no more social stigma attached to crossdressing. At some point, society will evolve. It has been evolving for some time now, but there are still some stragglers yet that must be worked out - crossdressing is one of a bunch that still exist today.

Blacks drinking out of the same drinking fountain as whites? It was crazy talk 50 years ago.

Women voting? Again, crazy talk some time back.

Do you need additional examples? I have several more.

Be yourself, Stephanie. Make the world a better place for your own children by allowing them to know the truth. Do not cower in fear because of the jerks that exist today. Cd or not, you WILL deal with plenty of jerks who will cause you trouble in your lifetime.

You will do fine, and I bet your kids will turn out better than the others. Not because you're a cd, but because you will not perpetuate the cycle of lies and hatred in your own kids. I wish more people were as brave.

[pennylee]

My kids got into everything! I didn't tell them very much. The girls used to "borrow" my underwear. One still gets stuff from me for special occasions.BUT, when asked a Question about my cding, they got honest answers.

[Marissa Anne]

I have a seven-year old boy, and I am not in favour of exposing him to this, as it can be confusing. Although I bring him up to respect everyone irrespective of gender, colour, sexual orientation (hasn't come up yet), or beliefs, I think it would be both confusing and with smaller kids, risk him imitating me. Although I'm proud to be who I am, I wouldn't wish gender or sexual confusion on anyone including my son. As he gets older and more prepared to understand this in an adult way, I will certainly tell him. But I wouldn't risk it with a younger child in the house. Should he get through puberty and be gay, or identify as female, of course he'll be in the perfect home to help him, but I don't want to influence his choices at a suggestible age.

Marissa

[5150 Girl]

The younger and more often someone is exposed to somthing, the more "normal" it will seem to them.
Some people think Trekkies are a strange crew, but if you were raised with them, it all seems like a normal way of life

[sissystephanie]

My late wife knew of my crossdressing before we were married and was totally acceptive with one proviso. At her insistance, we agreed that I would never dress in front of our prospective children. Nor would we tell them! Of course they are grown now, and my so is married. My daughter is divorced, but I do have three grown grandchildren. Yes, I am a senior citizen!!

After almost dying last fall, I did finally tell my daughter earlier this year. Why my daughter, and not my son? Because my daughter is the older, and as an RN for 29 years has seen just everything! My son is married to a nice lady, but she has a big mouth and would never give me any peace if she knew! Oh, my daughter's comment when I told her? "Just don't be too girly around me, Dad!" Gotta love her for that!

[Olivia]

Well, here's how I handled it:
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...ead.php?t=6032

Since then, our "circle of trust" has grown to include my daughter's live-in boyfriend who I guess will be my son-in-law someday soon. Robert is really great about it. Our son has a girlfriend who will be the next member of that 'circle' I guess. I'm sure they will marry and I suspect he'll tell her in good time.

For me, telling my kids was just something I had to do. For me, it's worked out splendidly. I can visit Ann and Robert in their home and feel free to dress as I want. The same goes here at home as well. I'm enfemme everyday after work and many times all through a weekend. I couldn't enjoy that level of comfort had I not told them. But, ymmv...O

[Joni Beauman]

I have not told my liberal 18-yr old daughter. I feel it would serve no purpose and its not something you can put back in case there is an unexpected and unwanted change in our relationship. My wife knows, but like many does not want to know. When our daughter heads off to college in a month, my wife and I will have to revisit limits and boundaries. When I am out en femme shopping or for meals (on the road a lot during the summer staying in hotels around the Midwest), I am hoping to pass and not discuss the issue with anyone since that would mean I did not pass. I did ask an sales associate when buying stockings the other day if I passed since she picked up on my voice, and she was kind but, alas, kind of unconvincing. Joni

[Hope]

You have well outlined the problem, the way you choose to deal with it is up to you.

Personally I would not hide. Hiding makes you appear to be be doing something shady or dirty or wrong. If you hide your activities from others you immediately become the subject of suspicion even when you have done nothing wrong. People assume that if you act like you have done something wrong, you must think that you have done something wrong, and if you think you have done something wrong, you must be guilty. It's not necessarily true, but you can understand the logic.

Also, hiding makes other people think that what you are doing is abnormal or wrong. We get enough of that stigma already. If you are out, be out.

With your own kids - raise them to e the open minded, tolerant people you want them to become. No one can give you too much crap for being an decent parent, raising well rounded kids who are comfortable in their own skin.

But DO be aware of the stigma we face (and it sounds like you are). Be aware that other people, less enlightened people, people who watch a lot of Fox "news" and run around screaming "think of the children" will be uncomfortable with you. That is a bummer, but that is the world we live in. That puts a extra burden on you to be extra wary, extra vigilant, and to be extra non-pervy with kids (and I don't mean to imply that you are in any way pervy with kids). It's not fair - but there it is.

As a member of the clergy, I experience the same scrutiny. If you think having an alternative life style gets you extra scrutiny around kids, try being a member of the clergy these days.

If I were you, I would behave with other people's children the exact same way you do with your own - with the following exceptions:

1) Never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER be alone with children. 2 adults minimum in any room with children at all times. If some one says you touched them - don't EVER let it be your word against theirs, because as soon as the charge is leveled, you are the "pedophile," and "pedophiles lie to protect themselves."

2) See item #1.

[Lorileah]

I didn't have any children but if I had they would have been exposed to everything that I could expose them to. Hiding things raises the issue that either you are ashamed of what you are or it is wrong. I can't control how you feel about yourself but I can control how I feel about me. I'll be honest, there are people in my life who don't know but they are setin their opinions and I don't want to spend the time trying to change them. But it is EASIER to instill good habits and ideas than it is to break bad habits and change set minds. Children see the world in a spectrum of color. They have "new eyes" and it is a wondrous thing. It isn't until we start instilling our mores and biases that they change. We want black and white. They see color. I can see how children raised in an open LGBT environment adjust better. With the world today we have too many things that we need to shelter them from. What clothes a person wears isn't one of them

[Carin]

No, you should not.

That is EXACTLY why you should not hide yourself (your complete self) from your children.
......

everything she said.

Personally I would not hide. Hiding makes you appear to be be doing something shady or dirty or wrong.
.....

and everything she said too.

Relating to children is a gift. Don't shy away from it in fear of what others might think. I would like to add a third exception to Hope's exception list. When driving children (your kids friends, etc.) home, SEE ITEM #1.

My (7) kids were teenagers when we told them. See my sig.

[Olivia]

You have well outlined the problem, the way you choose to deal with it is up to you.

Personally I would not hide. Hiding makes you appear to be be doing something shady or dirty or wrong. If you hide your activities from others you immediately become the subject of suspicion even when you have done nothing wrong. People assume that if you act like you have done something wrong, you must think that you have done something wrong, and if you think you have done something wrong, you must be guilty. It's not necessarily true, but you can understand the logic.

Also, hiding makes other people think that what you are doing is abnormal or wrong. We get enough of that stigma already. If you are out, be out.

With your own kids - raise them to e the open minded, tolerant people you want them to become. No one can give you too much crap for being an decent parent, raising well rounded kids who are comfortable in their own skin.

But DO be aware of the stigma we face (and it sounds like you are). Be aware that other people, less enlightened people, people who watch a lot of Fox "news" and run around screaming "think of the children" will be uncomfortable with you. That is a bummer, but that is the world we live in. That puts a extra burden on you to be extra wary, extra vigilant, and to be extra non-pervy with kids (and I don't mean to imply that you are in any way pervy with kids). It's not fair - but there it is.

As a member of the clergy, I experience the same scrutiny. If you think having an alternative life style gets you extra scrutiny around kids, try being a member of the clergy these days.

If I were you, I would behave with other people's children the exact same way you do with your own - with the following exceptions:

1) Never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER be alone with children. 2 adults minimum in any room with children at all times. If some one says you touched them - don't EVER let it be your word against theirs, because as soon as the charge is leveled, you are the "pedophile," and "pedophiles lie to protect themselves."

2) See item #1.

Well said my dear!!! Spot on advice I'd say. O

[Stephanie Heplby]

[SIZE="3"]I truly appreciate everyone’s thoughts on the matter, but I want to follow up based on a particularly interesting response from Marissa Anne. Marissa feels that crossdresing might be “confusing” for her seven-year old boy. That is definitely a concern. While some things might be acceptable at home, your children might not be able to understand that the rest of the world is not so accepting. Definitely a moment for ‘confusion’.

However, Marissa, I was really compelled to stop and think based on the way you concluded your honest response. You write that you “don’t want to influence his choices at a suggestible age”. Don’t we always influence our children? Most families in North America provide ‘masculine’ toys for their boys and ‘feminine’ toys for their girls (e.g., tools and trucks versus dolls and tea sets). Bedrooms are painted blue for boys and pink for girls. We chant nursery rhymes that reinforce gender stereotypes for boys (“frogs and snails and puppy dogs’ tails”) and for girls (“sugar and spice and everything nice”). Strangers interacting with toddlers on the street handle boys and girls differently (go watch for a day and see what you see). This is more than a slight suggestion about what is acceptable behavior and areas of interest for your girl or boy. By shielding our children from crossdressing, it seems like we simply erase some alternatives.

(For what it is worth, I had tools and trucks, but I also had dolls and tea sets. Maybe that explains things.)

Let me look at this issue using the metaphor of adoption.

In “the bad old days” (about 15 or 20 years ago), adoptees were generally not told of their adopted status until later in life, if at all. They used the same language Marissa uses, saying that too much communication would be ‘confusing’ for a child; they would not know how to handle their status in the family and would not feel loved by their adopted parents. However, the thinking has now radically shifted on this point.

Psychologists now agree that children need to be told of their adopted status from the earliest age. There are guidelines for discussing adoption with children in age-appropriate ways because we do not assume that a toddler is “prepared to understand this in an adult way”, to re-use Marissa’s words in a new context. However, the point is that withholding the information can cause resentment in the child, while the free availability of age-appropriate communication builds acceptance and healthy self-awareness, allowing the child to love their parents completely and without reservation.

It is true that adoption has issues that are distinct from those generated by a father who crossdresses, but (for me) the parallels are worth exploring.

Thanks again for the responses so far, particularly Marissa Anne.
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[Blaire]

The only problem I see with outing to your kids, especially 8-12's, is that you'll be out to the world at that point. It's something you'd have to be ready for before junior is let in on the act.

DON'T call it a secret! People that do bad things to kids convince them to be quiet because it's a secret.

Once out to the world, you then have all the difficulties associated with it, and so will your kids. If you feel they can handle it, and you're ready for the big step, by all means go for it.

[vivianann]

I avoid being around children, I dont want any trouble, however children have seen me dressed when I am at Walmart, but I dont linger around so there wont be any problem. I dont hide, I just go about my business and so far no problems. If I had children I am not sure what I would do concerning whether or not to let them see me that way, that would have to be a decision between me and my wife, if she does not ewant me to crossdress in front of them then I would not do it.

[Laciegurl]

I have two very young girls, almost 2 and almost 1. I do dress up around them and do believe that if a kid grows up around it, it must be normal. I just worry about the little monsters(completely out of love) saying the darnedest things. So I have limited my dressing in full femme around them till me and my wife can explain it to them where we won't have to worry about unwanted knowledge being passed on by the babes' mouths.

[Rogina B]

My daughter is quite accepting of Dad in a skirt on a daily basis..When I am fully dressed to go out or just returning,she doesn't make a big deal about it. The only problem my wife and I forsee is to curb her urge to share it with others! And,she thinks my locked walkin closet looks like that of a model's..calls it my secret closet.

[Ms Mira]

I don't know the first thing about parenting, other than having parents myself, so bear with me if I'm being a little theoretical.

Anyway... The most important factor in a child's development is who their parents are. It's less, even, how exactly they are raised (though the two are inextricably tied) then simply who Mom and Dad are on a daily basis. So, to me, it seems it would probably be beneficial for kids to know the truth about their Dad (who their Dad really is, what kind of struggles he had, what kind of lessons he can pass on from that struggle, etc.). I don't really believe in sheltering kids (to a limit of course), because it's a complicated world, and how are they going to exist in the real world if they aren't raised to?

It's not like your kids won't love you even if you're a CD. And I think hiding too many things fosters that sort of suburban nuclear family stereotype of everything perfect on the outside, but in the closet..?

[Blaire]

The only problem my wife and I forsee is to curb her urge to share it with others!

Says Jane while over at Mary's for a playdate, "Mrs. Miller, that dress is just like my Dad's."

[Dutchess]

Hi,
I wasnt sure if it was OK for GG's to answer but here I am
Kids are way smarter than most give credit for . Our just turned 8 year old daughter asked me last year if I'd noticed "Daddy wasnt as manly as the other dads" at her school . I just replied that he was manly enough to get her here and that is all that mattered , she was left wondering still what that meant but accepted and went on .
In past months she has noticed him wearing my satin robes,, some with large flowers and she asked me if I had noticed,, I said yes but didnt mind but what did she think ? ... She said ,, well nothing much ,, I dont really care.. then she asked,, "what will you do if he wears a GOWN??" I said ," nothing ,, sometimes people are just different"

He has two kids in their 20's ,a bullying ex wife , family, his MC etc back in Holland who he does NOT want to be outed to EVER ( he says) and I dont blame him.

I have older kids too 4 sons and a daughter 20's /late teens. I think they think he is different because he is from Holland ,, but they know and dont care. We all love him/her . Our youngest mentioned here has grown up with all kinds of body art , biker folks and other assorted alternative characters in her family so she doesnt see "strange " like others might .

[SherylynJade]

My fiancee and I have discussed this same thing several times. And we are both in agreement that they will growing up knowing about their daddy and his pretty side.

[CLARRISA]

Its a difficult one, as this thing gets deeper, the more i'd like to just beable to pop round to family as Clarrisa, its only this issue with children thats held me back from asking if it would be ok...i mean if i were to actualy one day go through the transition, i wouldn't want to lose touch with everyone just because uncle ME wants to be a woman..

[Nicole Erin]

I just avoid kids. If I am somewhere that there are kids, I just don't look at them and pretend they are not there.

My own kid - he pretty much knows what I do but we just do not talk about it.

[RobynP]

I have two children and both are now adults. My wife and I agreed not to tell them when they were growing up and they never found out.

There are reasons NOT to tell your children:

1. What is your motivation for telling them? Certainly, if you are transsexual, then the decision is easy.
   
2. If you do tell them, are they going to have to keep it a secret? Is that a proper burden for them?
   
3. One does not have to tell their children EVERYTHING about them. And there are some things that should NOT be disclosed.
   
4. There have been very few studies done about children. Of course, many kids are okay with with it and can handle it very well. However, we never hear about the ones that have problems with it. You are basically experimenting with your children if you tell them, hoping that everything turns out okay. What happens if they are not okay with it? They are trapped. They cannot divorce you like your wife can...
   
5. EVERYTHING we do influences our children more than we realize. The studies that have been done do not look at the adult children that were told at various ages to see if there is any impact on them as adults...

Just my

Robyn P.