Why Are So Few of Us Out?

[tricia_uktv]

I have just tried to answer a question about whether I'm the same or different when dressed. I replied:

If you are out and about, I'm pretty sure you have to be different. You are dressed, you are looked at, you are talked about. In drab no-one cares about you. Sad but true. So you simply can't be the same

Is this why there are not more of us out there having fun, because I promise it is fun? We have to experiment, to take chances, to risk things to be happy.

Yes, we do need to build a thick skin, but its far easier than you think when the skin is there.

What is happening to me now is that going out there and being brave is helping my male side to develop characteristics he didn't know he had.

Life is hard to understand, but if you experiment and have courage, it rewards you in so many unsuspecting ways.

Sorry, haven't really thought this through yet, but any comments welcome.

[xdbiker]

Im glade to be out Love hitting the Bars with my wife and after the first time i had to walk past a few People in the hotel lobby and hear them Laff i was Like DONT care this is Me and I dont know you so what I have had nothing but a great time going out dressed and look forward to the next time i can do it thanks Jerzie

[Ms Mira]

One of the reasons it's so difficult to be out is because society has such a nebulous definition of what a crossdresser is. If I came out, I'm fairly certain 95% of people would just label me as either gay or transgendered. I still have to exist as a male in society, with male needs, so it's just not worth it to me...

[Alessandra]

i'm not outed to family or friends yet and since alot of them live in the neighboorhood its fairly hard for me to go out yet otherwise i definitely would have, but im planning on going to the supermarket en femme tommorow

[TxKimberly]

. . . What is happening to me now is that going out there and being brave is helping my male side to develop characteristics he didn't know he had...

Me too, big time! I used to get sick to my stomach the night before I'd go on a service call, just thinking about having to meet new people and interact with them, and there was also worrying about whether I could solve their problem or not.
Well, once you head out of the house in drag, there is not much point to worrying about social situations in boy mode anymore. My personal courage, and confidence in dealing with others in both, boy and girl mode, have gone through the roof compared to where I was a few years ago, and it's all because of the steps I took as Kimberly

[SweetCaroline]

I can't speak for others, but two of the things that helped me come out, both publicly and personally, were having a T-girl social/ support group in my area to go to and meet other CD/ TG people, and (at first) being able to travel away from home to go out where no one knew me. I realize not everyone has those resorces. It they did, maybe more would start taking the first steps out.

Just my thoughts...

[Teri Jean]

My male side has gotten pretty tough over the years in representing union members for 20yrs and now with the verterans issues. But stepping out as Teri is something that is like putting a bandaid on an open sore, with help and tender loving care the skin will be as strong as ever. peek Yep just about healed.

Teri

[sterling12]

I think the biggest obstacle for most gurls who desire to go out in public.....they try to do it when they are ALONE!

I think those first tentative steps are very hard to take, because you have no one whose been there before, holding your hand, and kind of "pushing" you to take your next steps.

This is why I always recommend a Support Group for The Newly-Out Gurl. If everybody heads to The Club after The Meeting, it''s easy to just take advantage of The Invite, hop in someone's car and GO! If they are all going down to "The Wig Villa" to get a personal fitting, why the heck shouldn't you go too? If The Gurls want to go shopping, it is just a heck of a lot easier, if your part of a group. Your talking to your friends, joking around, interacting; you don't have time to be nervous and checking out all the reactions from John and Jane Public....you just enjoy.

Later on, it is a very easy transition from, "going out with The Gurls" to excursions with the wife and going out by yourself.

If you can't find a group, find Trans-Friends. It's just easier to do it that way. Once out, you will not look back. Your days of "clinging to that closet door" have come to an end.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Melissa Rose]

IMHO, the lack of understanding and/or empathy of other people and the negative labels associated with being a cross dresser or transgendered prevents many from coming out. People often fear what they do not understand. The potential negative reactions, real or not, of family, friends or strangers can be very scary. But, it is more than fear, it is the potential negative consequences resulting from the reactions and behaviors of others.

For me, the personal cost will very likely be much too high so I settle for being partially out and dressing part time. I would rather it be full time. It's not ideal, but it is enough for me and allows to me to express the feminine side of my personality.

[veryinn]

I feel that this topic is loaded with 2 implications.

1. Out as in out of closet
So, you are "out" meaning that others around you know your situation?


2. Out as in out in public
So, you are "out" as in you dress in fem and you go to public places, let it be a park w/ no people or a crowded shopping mall?


They are 2 different things.

[kellycan27]

I feel that this topic is loaded with 2 implications.

1. Out as in out of closet
So, you are "out" meaning that others around you know your situation?


2. Out as in out in public
So, you are "out" as in you dress in fem and you go to public places, let it be a park w/ no people or a crowded shopping mall?


They are 2 different things.

It's not loaded at all..simple and pretty straight forward. Yes to both. Out in the public eye and if you are read...out in the public eyes.

[FireFoxAngel]

One of the reasons it's so difficult to be out is because society has such a nebulous definition of what a crossdresser is. If I came out, I'm fairly certain 95% of people would just label me as either gay or transgendered. I still have to exist as a male in society, with male needs, so it's just not worth it to me...

you took the words right out of my mouth.

[charlie]

I have to agree with Kimberly. After going out dressed all interactions with people are just easier and relaxed. Talking to people while out dressed has a certain amount of stress/questions about how you are going to be accepted. In male mode now, I can actually talk to anyone. I am relaxed and can relate to most anyone. And people would say that there is no good part to crossdressing!

[Joy Carter]

No worries about being out and about, just getting the opportunity is the problem. Hmmmm

[TGMarla]

I still get nervous going out. I'm less nervous when I'm actually out than I am anticipating doing so. It's getting better slowly.

[Sarah-RT]

To be honest, its not really my thing.

If I was to go out, it would only be for the sake of going to a club or something ( probably a gay club to avoid any incidents )
Id rather put a shirt on however, go out with the lads and get wasted and try and pick up some girls in a drunken stupor. ( drink responsibly )

also, im still in the stage, or possibly I will always be in this stage? of having sexual pleasure from it, so technically wandering around town or sitting in a club would only get me going.

and if by out, you can also mean by just telling people: then its not really the best topic started for a group of lads, and keeping it amongst three or less GG friends is enough for me.

[Christine XX]

Unfortunately it takes courage to experiment and have courage.

I'm not trying to be funny about it. It really seems to be a Catch-22 for me. You mentioned "...you are looked at, you are talked about." which leads me to agree with Melissa Rose, in that I worry the personal costs would be much to high for me.

In spirit I'm with you, though!

-Christine

[TSchapes]

One of the reasons it's so difficult to be out is because society has such a nebulous definition of what a crossdresser is. If I came out, I'm fairly certain 95% of people would just label me as either gay or transgendered. I still have to exist as a male in society, with male needs, so it's just not worth it to me...

Nebulous definition, like one who wears the opposite gender's clothing. Sounds fairly straight ahead to me. No, society doesn't understand what it means to be a crossdresser. Society thinks I have a "choice" to be a crossdresser.

You are scared of a label, really? OMG I wish everyone would just say they're gay, then it won't be a big deal. Actually, if more people were honest, they are bi. And I've got news for you, if you are crossdressing you are under the transgender label, wear it proud, hon.

And to the rest of the girls here, yes get out and be out. In fact on October 11 is "National Coming Out Day". You may want to participate!

-Tracy

[Deedee Dupree]

Maybe I should not reply now as I am on vacation and feeling real good...

Why do so many not go out and explore? As was mentioned, lack of courage is one reason and another is the inability to give oneself the permission to enjoy oneself.

The truth is, you have to do it before you know where you stand... one can speculate as to what may happen, but in the end it's only a guess. In my exp. most of that speculation was wasted energy, and I was mistaken about a lot of the things I imagined. As far as being observed and talked about goes, as I have said ever since I came here, "that is somebody else's opinion and it's IRRELEVANT". S.... "em & do what you need to do... you take the good with the bad.

You only live once.

Addition: As far as how going out has affected my male side goes, I have to differ with the other posters, "he" was solid before she emerged, and "she" owes him for allowing and encouraging her to blossom... now we are one, on equal terms.

[shirley1]

To begin with you can feel very exposed and even isolated. If there were more obvious trans girls out there it would be easier I think for some of us. People generally don't see trans folks out and about in everyday life it is a fairly rare occurrence to most people. Then there's the fear or ridicule and being verbally abused, can you take it, and people that seem to want to constantly remind you that they are seeing you as a man.

Me and a trans girl friend were out the other night and some guy shouted out the window at us 'good evening gents, you look lovely, do you bend over and take it up the !!!!'

That isn't uncommon for some of us, I'm not even into men, and I am transitioning and full time now. So tough skin yeh you need that for sure but generally most people are ok, and accepting its just the few idiots you get around, and you just never know when you are going to run into them. So my theory would be why are there so few of us out, probably because a lot of us just don't want the hassle off mindless idiots, and some are probably scared of physical threat. But the reality is the more trans folk are seen out and about the more likely society are to accept, so it's a catch 22 situation tolerance only comes from things being seen, and then become more the norm.

[Ms Mira]

Nebulous definition, like one who wears the opposite gender's clothing. Sounds fairly straight ahead to me. No, society doesn't understand what it means to be a crossdresser. Society thinks I have a "choice" to be a crossdresser.

You are scared of a label, really? OMG I wish everyone would just say they're gay, then it won't be a big deal. Actually, if more people were honest, they are bi. And I've got news for you, if you are crossdressing you are under the transgender label, wear it proud, hon.

And to the rest of the girls here, yes get out and be out. In fact on October 11 is "National Coming Out Day". You may want to participate!

-Tracy

Tracy: yes, I am afraid to be labeled gay or transgendered (meaning I want to be a girl full-time), because... well, I'm not those things, and being labeled those things would get in the way of several of my other life goals. Maybe I am envisioning the worst, but those aren't minor consequences.

I am just stating the biggest reason I find the idea of coming out of the closet difficult.

[Penelope Marie]

I want to transition full time with the SRS .I got my tough skin as a child as i was the punching bag for numerous bullies at my school. i also served in the military and my skin got tougher in basic training. It has taken me a while to stop beating myself up and wondering what's wrong with me. Now i know what's wrong with me. Nothing! I have just recently become comfortable with myself and it feels so good to acept myself as i am. I am a perfectionest so i can't do things half way. I go out but not in a dress yet. where i live is a very small town. My brothers are here as well as my parents. They don't yet know about my dear Penelope. I am not afraid of words however, the threat of violance does concern me. i am not much of a fighter and besides i do not want to break a nail.

[Penelope Marie]

i think i have been attempting to prove to myself i am a man. now i am slow to refer to myself as a man. i refer to myself as a person. The other day i was at a convenience store and the lady behind me called me a her. i was thrillled. i was married once that lasted 5 years and those 5 years were not good. i have dated a little since then but now i am through with that too.

[Fab Karen]

I have just tried to answer a question about whether I'm the same or different when dressed. I replied:

If you are out and about, I'm pretty sure you have to be different. You are dressed, you are looked at, you are talked about. In drab no-one cares about you. Sad but true. So you simply can't be the same

.

You are looked at- sometimes. In a crowd some people may not even notice you. You are talked about- maybe, maybe not.
In d.r.a.b. no-one cares about you- is that true? You don't know whether or not they do. Do they notice that guy? Who knows? In my case possibly, at least for being tall if nothing else.

Some say,"If only more were going out" - well the ONLY way to change that is to go out yourself. Someone else will see you & say, "hey, they did it, so can I." & then someone else will see them, and so on...

Take it from those of us experienced: being in a crowd of people is the safest place you can be.

[KateSpade83]

I go out lots in full drag when shopping for women's clothes so I don't get a gay reputation in guy mode; also helps a lots to be looking like a woman when you go to stores like Dress Barn or Ann Taylor because you fit in... You wouldn't read me usually unless you notice my beard cover or voice flaws or else if you really have great gaydar because I'm VERY PASSABLE and I thoroughly enjoy my drag shopping trips.