What to do when there is conflict

[dawnmarrie1961]

I know you say that there is no sex involved in your relationship with you friend. But I'm going to approach your problem in that manner anyway. You will understand why later.

Everything in the male ego has to do with sex and the number "3". One Male + two Women = Sex. Regardless of weather or not the two women involved are satisfied. When a man hear's the word "lesbian" the idea of sex automatically comes to mind. (As if the two woman really want anything to do with him.) But the male ego tries to but himself in to situation anyway. Two lesbian females + One Male= Sex. In the event that there is only one Male and one female the Male will be thinking about some other Female besides the one he's with. One Male + One Female (+ one Female)=Sex. Men don't have relationships, they have sex. While for the woman it is all about the relationship. Men only tolerate the idea of the relationship because it is required by the female in order for them to have sex. Men think about sex all the time, consciously and unconsciously. The average male gets an erection 11 times during the average day.

You are in a unique position because you can utilize your female side to understand what you fiancee is feeling. It's not so much about you having sex with your friend that bother's you fiancee. It is the whole relationship issue!

Your fiancee see's your friend as a threat to a committed relationship with you.

Your friend see's your fiancee as threat to her relationship to you.

And you, because of your male ego, actually think you should be able to have it both ways.

That leaves you only two choices.

(1) Dump the friend and keep the fiancee.
(2) Dump the fiancee and keep the friend.

Of course the male ego likes to think there is a third option.

(3) Have a threesome. (Just ignore that one.)

[shayleetv]

My best friend I met as a blind date when I was in college as a freshman. We hit it off as friends but not as lovers. We did everything together. We had dinner out and in, we went to movies, played golf and studied together. We took classes at school and even double dated together, her with her boyfriend and me with my girlfriend. The girl that I married and the boy Janet married knew we were the best of friends. Yes, we showed affection to each other when we greeted and when we parted, even in front of our partners to be. Our future partners saw us more as brother and sister. I think it is in the subtle way you do your affection that causes or doesn't cause jealousy and also the nature of the person observing. If my wife had had any jealousy of Janet things would have different between Janet and me. After all Janet was a friend and was not going to be my wife and therefore I would have to make a choice as to who was the most important person in my life. Maybe the reason I married my wife was because she loved me enough to know not to make me have to make a choice. Janet always passed the good things I said about my fiance on to her, so my wife(to be) was always secure in our relationship. That's what real friends do for friends. Your friends needs to know that and do it. If not, she's not a true friend. In true friendship, friends are people who care for your needs and not their own in that relationship. Choose your friends wisely, they reflect your character.

[sterling12]

I don't think you can do a "work around." I think that sooner than later your going to have to decide. Choices: 1.) Your old friendship. 2.) Your relationship.

Often in life, we have to "give things up." And, that includes friendships! Imagine if you had a guy for a friend, he was a bum, always carousing and always drinking. If your fiancée said "give him up as a friend," would you even hesitate?

Although your friend isn't doing anything detrimental in an overt way, I think you have a serious problem. I think your friend is behaving like a lot of women and men that I have known. She may not be able "have you," but she probably, perhaps unconsciously, still wants to "keep you around." A lot of people do this, it's sort of like keeping a spare tire in The Trunk. If you don't take care of the problem, eventually something is going to "break!" When that happens you will lose/lose.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Kolokea GG]

I side with your fiance on this one. She has every right to feel the way she does. I have seen and heard this situation. The thought is there and it is known....how do you know your "friend" won't act on her feeling before she feels its to late too.

[ggtracy]

Thanks again for all the comments and concerns. I believe it helped us both look at things from the other person's perspective.

I am happy to report that all is well here. The situation has basically resolved itself. The female best friend is in the process of divorcing her spouse and has already found a new love.

[sherri52]

It is good to have friends. This one is trouble. Tell your wife in a nice way that you want to remain friends with her and if she wants you will meet her in another place, but that meeting her at home with you (so) you could see that there was nothing between the friend and yourself

[dilane]

I am in a relationship, that is a good one. She is supportive of my dressing, or at least very tolerant. I have a female friend that I have been friends with way b4 I was in my current relationship. Although we are STRICTLY friends, my fiancee has a problem with her. I prove to her on a daily basis that she is the world to me, and yet the mere mention of my friend, sends my fiancee into outerspace. I have tried to have situations where we could all be together, you know just hanging out. My friend, is very very opinionated. My friend has stated to my fiancee that if she were single, she would like to date me.

Um, your *friend* is trying to mess with your relationship, and is getting off on making your wife jealous. She sounds incredibly dumb, too, no matter what her IQ is.

Ok, that was wrong on her part, but she said it and so now it is out there. It was also brought to my attention, that my friend and I showed more affection for one another than we should. We have since stopped the innapropriate behavior, now that we are aware that we were doing wrong. Keep in mind, that my friend and I were brought up to show affection, like hugging upon greeting and leaving, etc, etc. My fiancee asked me a loaded question one day, and it goes like this "Do I find ****** attractive, and would I date her". My reply was "I do think she is attractive, and if I had never met you (my fiancee), or never had you in my life, and if she were single, then yes I would" Then the fight was on.

Not exacty a phi beta kappa move, sorry. Do you like keeping your wife off balance?

I don't expect for them to be friends, but it would be nice to have them be cordial to one another. I see my friend 1 day a month, every month, and my fiancee the rest of the time. Am I wrong for wanting friends, regardless of their gender? I try and try to talk about it, to get it to a level of mutual understanding, but it is a rough path that is being travelled.

Well there are friends, and there are Friends with a capital F. My oldest friend from age 12 is a woman. She is now married, so not only is the woman a potential object of jealosy, but I was to her husband. Things got worked out because we are always polite and considerate and don't say dumb things like "you know I'd really have dated X if he/she were available".

The four of us are great friends, and my wife spends as much alone time with "L" as I do -- and I make sure it's balanced in that way, for obvious reasons.

[ifitfeelsgood]

Your engaged, the rules change. The rules are not fair, so be it, but you signed up for it. Wait till your married, the rules change a little bit more.