GG Needs guidance please....

[Ralph]

I do have one question I just thought of. Do you feel like your authentic self is really your femme side, or do you feel split between both worlds?

Nicky, it's so cool that you went into research mode instead of just bailing out of the relationship. As you may have noticed, questions like that won't get you a single, consistent answer; ask any five guys why they crossdress and what they feel about it, and you'll get six conflicting answers. Some of us are just in it for the clothes, and as long as we can have some time to just sit around feeling comfortable in a dress, we're good to go. We don't need or want to feel like, act like, or be treated as women and we certainly don't want to become women. On the opposite extreme of course are the pre-op (or "never-op") transsexuals who wish they had been born a woman and are either on their way to the full snippage or, if for whatever reason they can't do that, at least want to get as close as possible to purging themselves of all Y chromosomes. Somewhere in the middle are the majority - some like to use a "female" name when dressed, some believe they have two physically distinct personalities depending on whether they are dressed, some just want to sit around at home and feel pretty, some want to go on the town and be admired.

There's really no way for us to tell you where your man is on that scale - and he may not even know for sure himself. So together, you'll need to find out his needs and your limits. How comfortable would you feel if he decided to change his name to Sally and live full time as a woman? If the idea scares you to death, don't count on that feeling going away in 5, 10, 20 years... set limits NOW for what you are comfortable with NOW. If he needs to take it much further than you're prepared to live with, it would be brutal on both of you to pretend otherwise.

Which leads me to a topic you probably already know, but needs to be emphasized: Whatever level of gender identity he deals with is not just a passing whim or a hobby he can give up like stamp collecting. It was a part of his nature before he knew it, and if he's like the rest of us he was probably scared and confused when the feeling first manifested. Some few have tried and succeeded to give it up entirely, but not without terrific emotional cost and most of us have tried and failed many times (read up on "purging").

As the happily married CDing man of a wonderful woman who understands and accepts, even if she's not particularly thrilled about it, I hope things work out for the both of you.

[Rachel Morley]

I agree with many of the comments posted so far in particular the reading of the threads "How to tell your partner" and "Now I Like It, Now I Don’t: Understanding the Acceptance Pendulum" ..... but then I would wouldn't I? as not only are they very helpful but my wife wrote them both I have a feeling that you re going to come out of this feeling ok Nicky

[nicky22]

Rachel..I read both of your wife's articles before I even joined the forum. I have read and researched quite manicaly lately. I was a reporter for 8 years and automatically go into research mode when I need to know something. Never thought this would be a topic I'd be right in the middle of. Please thank your wife for the extremely helpful and well written, informative posts. Phew..can't wait to be over the shock and trauma and hopefully on to the well balanced part of this journey where the 2 of you must be! Thanks so much for the post! Nicky

[TeenTG]

thanks for coming to the site you will find great support here

as of your question i think you should let him be who he is because if you let most men crossdress out in the open they will not change who they are in the inside the only time a crossdresser changes is if they have to hide who they are

[MsJanessa]

I suspect that you are "freaking out" because you think he might be gay or transexual---don't jump to conclusions before talking with him about it---many CDers are straight heterosexual males who have no desire to change their gender--This board is full of CDers like that-chances are if he is in a relationship with a women he falls into that catagory---your best tact is to sit down with him and talk about it---if he tells you that he is one of the cders mentioned above then I would take him at his word---the next question is can you handle a relationship with a guy who likes to dress fully and present as a female---that's something only you can answer--good luck

[Sandra]

Phew you've had a lot of good advise here.

You need to know what is going on so, keep the communication open, talk and listen to each other.

You may read on here some things that concern you, wondering if your partner will be the same, it doesn't always work like that and everyone is different.

I hope you decided to join us in the F.A.B forum, where you'll get to meet more of the wives/partners.

[nicky22]

Thank you everyone for the amazing insights. So much info it's a little...alot much to get my mind around. Honestly you all have made this so much easier to deal with, I can't thank you enough. I am so worried about having "the talk". Is that really necessary? Wouldn't it be easier to just let things unfold naturally. Does anyone really even know why? So many things to think about....thank so much again!!!! Nicky

[Ms Mira]

Nicky:

You're more than a CD could hope for in terms of how acceptant you are. You found out about "her" in a way that would scare off most girls, and not only are you OK with it, you did research. It's really nice to hear there are women out there like you.

At this point, you just have to be honest with him. If you're freaked out, or you think you're not ready for something, you should just say so pre-emptively. You should have a discussion with him to draw boundaries and such, and just to have it out in the open... It's better not to harbor all these secrets, especially when they involve feelings of resentment, in relationships. Plus, hopefully, your honesty will inspire him to be more honest as well.

Good luck!

[cassandra2601]

Nicky

You have had a lot of good advice from both CDs and GGs.

You believe in the relationship and want to make it work because you love him and that is great.

It is a huge, stressful thing to "come-out" and it sounds like he has been trying to let you know what he is. Believe me, if he wanted to hide things, he would and you would not have known. Having said that don't just hand acceptance on a plate - make him make the next move - you have been fantastic thus far.

Also recognise that he has probably been doing it for a long time or has suppressed the desire to for a long term.

Having seen on this forum some of the men and then their female persona it would make your draw drop - big hulking sporty guys becoming stunning women!

I have always played major competitive physical sports and ben a CD at the same time.

The need just does not go away.

As Allie said you are one in a million and I hope it works out. The worst thing you can do is to force him into a closet - then you might well lose him.....

[nicky22]

Thanks again everyone for the amazing suppot. Could someone explain the importance of setting boundaries to me? And why that's important and what and how...you all are fantastic!

[CharlotteW]

Oh wow, I just came back to offer my tuppence worth but everyone else has pretty much covered it.

Like I said, you sound like a gem of a lady, I wish you both well.

[Holly]

...Could someone explain the importance of setting boundaries to me? And why that's important and what and how...

Boundaries are simply setting the parameters of what is safe for both of you. For example, physical intimacy when dressed; is that something you want to explore or would you just as soon not go there at this time. Are you comfortable if the neighbors see you BF dressed? If not, how will she enter/exit the home? At what level are you willing to participate? Go shopping with her? Help her with her makeup? Accompany her outside the house? These are just a few suggestions. I'm sure you will come up with others on your own. One word of caution, however. Boundaries have a tendency to change. This is not a bad thing, but you should be prepared to revisit them from time to time. And it should be by mutual agreement. This is all part of the ever-important communication that is imperative in any healthy relationship. Don't fear "the talk" but embrace it as a step forward in your overall ability to relate to one another more intimately than before.

[Ras]

Nicky, If you want to have that "talk", just be prepared to hear to hear more detail that you are ready to know or find out. I am sure he feels liek he has a gorilla on his back and would love to share and open up to you as log as you are open and accepting of it.

There is some merit in letting it flow and happen naturally but he will be looking for some indications from you as to when you are ready and want to talk about it.

Once again you need to think about what you want from it, how much you want it to happen, and how much you want to participate in it.

[Elle1946]

My wife was the same way that you are now. It does take some getting use to because it is different. Now we are the best shopping buddies. She knows what fits me and trys it on so that we will not need to return things don't that fit. Shoes are a different thing I wear an eleven and she wears a seven. My wife is fine with the CD situtation and has coped through the learning process well. From the way you are talking it sounds like you will do just fine. Good Luck!!

[Celeste]

Hi Nicky,If I were him and found someone some what accepting like yourself,I would take things super slow because I would be worried about loosing you.Everyone is so different when it comes to sharing innermost secrets,he may really be terrified of telling you the rest.I'm sure with time and being a bit inquisitive it will come out.

[Ralph]

Could someone explain the importance of setting boundaries to me? And why that's important and what and how...

Not meaning to be blunt, but it looks like at least half the replies over the past couple of days explained just that. Try this one on for size:

So together, you'll need to find out his needs and your limits. How comfortable would you feel if he decided to change his name to Sally and live full time as a woman? If the idea scares you to death, don't count on that feeling going away in 5, 10, 20 years... set limits NOW for what you are comfortable with NOW. If he needs to take it much further than you're prepared to live with, it would be brutal on both of you to pretend otherwise.

[nicky22]

Thanks Ralph...point taken. At this point, I need blunt. Guess I am in such a state of information overload and still in overwhelmed mode...but I am trying to understand things as completely as I can and I loved your post..thanks for that...and the bluntness..Nicky

[RachelF]

Boundaries are not a must. They can be used to protect individual feelings and attitudes toward many areas, as well as group interests. They are present in most human relationships from couples, fraternities, work groups, to families, etc. For example, a common boundary is having only one SO at a time, but some couples are ok having multiple relationships at the same time. Your SO's crossdressing is now becoming part of your relation and you both should be comfortable with it. If you force your self to accept things you really does not like or tolerate that will hurt the relation sooner or later. So, the boundaries should be there if you as a couple think they could help to protect the relationship (which should include respect for individual preferences). Things could happen naturally at some point, and you can eventually let that happens only if you feel comfortable but in most cases "the talk" is needed. But be sure it happens in a very relaxed way. You are wonderful, I am sure you as a couple will drive this to reinforce your relation.

[nicky22]

Thank you Rachel. Very eloquently put. It's really hard to fit this situation into any kind of framework when you don't even really understand it and it's all new. This forum and everyone's different insights help so much. Thank you all for that.

[AllieSummers]

Nicky,

It was really a pleasure speaking with you on the phone last night. You are one awesome woman. The kind of woman any man/cd, would be lucky to have.

There were a couple of observations I had that are important to remember.

First, I think the your SO has been crying out to be discovered almost since the beginning. When you found he was basically stealing your panties you asked him why. He said he was wearing them. You didn't ask the next question that most women would ask, "Why?". If you would have asked him to explain himself it might have got you to where you are now a lot quicker. Since then he has been wearing your stuff and admits it freely. But you still haven't asked, "Why?".

Honey, I think you need to ask him, "Why?". He is probably dieing to tell you but is so afraid to bring it up himself. As I mentioned, I didn't lie because I didn't love my wife. I lied because I loved her so much I could stand the thought of losing her.

You don't have to bust him on his stash but give him the opportunity to be honest with you. Ask him why he feels the need to dress in women's clothes. Ask him how long he's felt this way. Ask him where he would like this to go. Tell him how much you love him and how you are there to support him and help him get there.

Second, I know you hate the word "boundaries". So what you need to do is not set boundaries but let him know what you want, need and what you are afraid of. If he truely loves you then he will set his own "boundaries" and make sure that these needs are met and that your fears are never realized. If he isn't willing to do what he has to do to please you then you need to know that now and not 5 years down the road. You are investing a lot of time, money and emotion into this relationship. That investment needs to be a good one for you. You have got to be a little selfish...not too selfish...just a little. If you tell him that you don't want to lose the man you fell in love with and he respects that then you probably will not lose that man but instead gain a really close girlfriend.

I hope this helps...

Be sure to keep me updated. You have my phone number. You are welcome to call, text or write me any time you want. I talked to my wife last night too. She is more than happy to talk with you if you need a woman's point of view.

Kisses,

Allie

[nicky22]

Thank you Allie;

You have no idea how much I appreciate your taking the time to talk to to me. You have so many great insights and have given me so much to think about. Wow..a better question than why didn't I ask why might be a question to myself...why didn't it occur to me to ask why? Hmmmm..he did tell me the I was wearing them because they're yours excuse which I have since learned is what CD's say. But most women would probably need to know why. Whay don't I?? I do have very nice underwear! Maybe it's self protection, who knows. Lots to think about. And I will be back home soon and will def be in touch. Thank god for this forum and all of the wonderful support and advice...one day he should be thannking you all too!!! Nicky

[Granny Gray]

We are all unique individuals. What is right for one won't be right for all. The members have written a lot of good advice. All of it has been done with loving care, I'm sure. Some of it will fit your circumstances, some will not fit. Feel free to chose what you believe will fit and from which you can most probably benefit. Use what fits, discard the misfits.

One thing not previously mentioned is EXPECTATIONS. It's essential, I think, to be as expectation neutral as you can possibly be. Too often we plunge into relationships with out examining our expectations and find our expectations setting standards and rules applying to our relationship/partners in ways which risk or actually drive the relationship to ruin.

Some relationship expectations are realistic and they should rightly be guiding the development of the relationship. Some are unrealistic and if not adjusted can make the relationship resemble a train wreck.

I learned in my practice many years ago I was not all wise and could not simply tell younger couples how to live their relationships, so I just offer this bit about expectations and their power to drive a relationship down a smooth path or to drive it off into a canal. You impress me as being a heads up young lady, so I merely offer thoughts you may wish to consider.

After all, I'm just an old CD/TG Curmudgeon of the first order. J

[Dana]

For me? I just like getting 'girly' and having fun with it. I enjoy it. There's no deep pyschological meaning to it. I've always been drawn to feminity and expressions of such.

Girls want to have fun, and cross dressing is fun. Being a girl is and can be fun.

You might want to read a book titled "Brain Sex to help in understanding all of this. It has very little to do with CD'ing per say, and more about why people are the way they are.

[Hope]

Thank you everyone for the amazing insights. So much info it's a little...alot much to get my mind around. Honestly you all have made this so much easier to deal with, I can't thank you enough. I am so worried about having "the talk". Is that really necessary? Wouldn't it be easier to just let things unfold naturally. Does anyone really even know why? So many things to think about....thank so much again!!!! Nicky

Is it necessary? Not at all.

Is it helpful for some folks, particularly those who need to have and understand clear rules? Absolutely.

But if the idea of sitting down with your husband and having "the talk" is upsetting you or causing you undue stress - you don't have to do it. Seriously. Provided that you are a person who is comfortable with a healthy level of ambiguity, you may never have to have "the talk." Seriously, if this is causing you a huge amount of worry - it is completely back-burner-able.

Think of this "talk" like the other "talk" most people experience in their lives - the one with mom and dad, and some really confused bumble bees. Is it necessary? Of course not - lots of people never get that talk, and they figure things out on their own - sometimes through friends, sometimes through through research, sometimes through groping (clumsily) in the dark. Is that "talk" helpful? For some folks it is, if the parents are healthy parents, comfortable with sex, and know what they are talking about (good luck with that one). For other folks, having that talk with their parents can be traumatic and counter productive, leading to all sorts of fears, guilt and bad information around something that is supposed to be beautiful and fun.

I would expect that at some point the charade you have going on is going to come to a close with some sort of disclosure - either he is going to put on his big-girl panties and tell you, or you are going to confront him (I suggest you wait for the former, but drop plenty of hints that you would be receptive to him and let him reveal himself on his own schedule - that is just me). When that happens - however it happens - I would expect that there would be some healthy conversation, right? Seems like a natural conversation starter to me. Seems like the best of both worlds, right? A natural development - and a healthy conversation. Win win.

If you do decide to sit him down - do keep this one thing in mind: Don't scold him, and don't treat him like he has cancer or some horrible debilitating illness that is going to destroy the world. It sounds like you have been exceptionally awesome - with us - don't flush that winning record when and where it really counts. The part that is important is that you treat him with respect, dignity, and admiration.

[Joanne f]

I agree , it is not necessary to have this what some call the big talk , as i myself prefer to let things unfold naturally and may be slowly in that way it is less stressful for both , it is much easier to just say when you dont like some thing and when you do like something , the CDer will soon pick up on what is aloud and what is not , go with your instincts not anyone else`s .