Couple of questions from a newbie GG!

[Lady JayDee]

Hi everyone! this is my first thread on here and im pretty nervous!

I found out that my husband cross dresses about 2 months ago. It was a learning curve for both of us in that he had never dressed in womens clothes before although he had had desires for 20 years. ( I didn't believe him about this but he swears its true - he has never even tried on previous girlfriends undies etc)

Anyway, within the space of 2 months, my husband now boasts a wardrobe of womens clothes and shoes worth over £3k, wears a wig, make up and prosthetic breasts. All in front of me.

I try to be as understanding as possible but sometimes feel that he takes advantage of my understanding and doesnt think of me and how this sudden transformation has affected me.

I have never spoken to anyone about this and but I have done lots of research online and am reading "My Husband Betty" to try and get my head round it and in doing so I would say that it appears from my research that it is quite rare for a man to appear fully dressed as a women in front of his wife and definitely so soon after first telling her.

Its hard because I dont have any benchmark - I dont know whether its me being unreasonable and I should just let him get on with it and try to deal with it.
All I do know is that whilst I dont mind the "theory" behind cross dressing and talking to my husband about it and helping him choose clothes (although I wish he didnt buy so many of the things!) its a different story for me dealing with him completely dressed up.

How many of you CDers fully dress in front of your wife/ partner regularly and how long did it take from the initial time that you told her about your CDing?

Also, is your wife willing to be intimate with you whilst you are dressed?

Sorry for the long thread, I just really need to try to get my head round all of this and to find a happy place for both of us.

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Lady JayDee

On reading your story it does seem rather extreme to go from nothing to everything in the space of two months
You husband has taken the opportunity to get clothes etc than would normally be expected

You need to sit down with him and discuss how where the limits are
Not every wife will like to see there husband dressed at all
Others can live with some who dress all the time

You need to find a balance that suits you both

The same applies to intimacy its has to be something you are both comfortable with

[Shari]

Jay Dee

That's a tough one. It's like he's a kid with a new toy. The spending part is really crazy.

I've been out to my wife for almost two years.
In the beginning, I did dress in front of her and we were even intimate while I was dressed. She even went so far as to even indulge my bondage fetish. I'm the one who got tied.
As the time has passed the dressing in her presence has just about stopped. She passed on enough hints for me to get the message.
She knows I still do it when she works (twice a week-lucky me) and has no problems with it.

What it comes down to is respect for your partner's feelings and I have always ascribed to that.
After over 35 years with no hint of my desires, I applaud her for even indulging me as much as she did.

I think it's time for a talk. You have feelings too. Don't allow him to bully you.
Try to understand him, but he must do the same for you.

[Aaron Zwidling]

My advice is to be honest with him and tell him what you just told us: you are still trying to adjust to this, not being in your face so much would help you make that adjustment, and he probably has a large enough wardrobe to last him for a bit. All relationships have some give and take, and it sounds like he needs to focus a little more on your needs at the moment and stop paying so much attention to his own.

It seems fairly common for some CDers to go a little nuts if they suddenly find someone willing to accept their dressing, however if you are starting to feel overwhelmed you certainly have the right to rein him in. You might want to think of this as if it were something else such as golf. Suppose your husband started spending all of his time and a lot of money on golfing and it was bothering you. Would you say anything? If you would I would treat this situation as would the golfing one, raising the same kind of issues in your discussion. Hope this helps. Good luck.

[Sarah_GG]

Hello Lady JayDee and welcome to the forum. You've come to the right place for advice, from both CDers and GGs alike.

I sort of knew about my SOs CDing before he told me so I had a while to get my head around it - reading and letting things sink in. When he did tell me it all unfolded very quickly. We were on holiday at the time but the day after arriving home, my SO got everything out of storage and four huge boxes were absorbed into our home. I saw photographs that same day. And we both got dressed up together the very next day. I was pleased that I'd done so much research because I wasn't shocked about anything.

As far as being intimate, that's totally up to you. I'm totally 100% accepting and am happy to flirt with my SO when he's dressed, but it's taken me a while to want to take it into the bedroom. You don't have to at all. Just let it all unfold naturally. I found 'My Husband Betty' very useful in exploring some of the fantasies but it's still a learning curve.

It's a lot to take on board at first, so don't feel you have to rush it. I've known for a year and it's now found it's natural place within our relationship. It's no longer the omnipresent issue it first was. The 'pink fog' (excessive purchasing of clothing, make-up and accoutrement) has peaked and we're gradually getting back to normal. After a life time of denial and hiding, I considered my SO was perfectly justified in spoiling himself and indulging his femme side... and it's is finally slowing down!

You might want to join the FAB (Female at Birth) section on this forum which I think you're eligible to do after ten posts.

Look forward to seeing you around!

[swiss_susan]

I think the other ladies have given some great advice. Now that the subject is out in the open between you, don't be hesitant to discuss any concerns or issues you may have.

It I think is certaily normal for you to have some reservations, certainly at first. From your post I think you have handled the situation very well. Just keep talking.

[cassandra2601]

Jay Dee

Welcome. I think you'll find a lot of support here and answers too. It is a pretty big bombshell to be dropped on you after so long a time.

Take it steady with your hubby.

I am fortunate that all my SOs have known up front and are OK about it. I am also fortunate that I can be intimate too.

I have ben dressing for a long time - I am surprised he has suppressed it all this time but you have to believe him. Any kind of misstrust at this stage would drive a wedge.

I know it is a shock and you probably do find it uncomfortable with him dressing in front of you and it will take some adjusting to but you can have fun too by helping with make-up and commenting on appearance etc.

I know it is tough but don't drive him back in the closet if you can help it

[Lisa Golightly]

£3k is an awful lot of money to burn without discussing it... I'd be well miffed.

[Lady JayDee]

Thank you all so much for your replies.

We have sat down to talk about it a couple of times. I think there are 2 main problems. Number 1 is as you say he is like a kid in a sweet shop at the moment so although he agrees to calm it he gets a bit carried away and can't help himself and all boundaries go out of the window.

The second problem is me. I have some inner turmoil with the whole thing. My head tells me that its not an issue - im an open minded girl and have even had friends who CD in the past. I believe in live and let live and what the hell is normal anyway?!
But the emotional part of me - the one who married the big butch man and the bit of me that enjoys the fact that Im a sexy female and loved that I had this big strong man - thats the part of me that is finding this hard to cope with. So we may sit down and I have my "head" on and I can agree to him dressing in front of me, but then when it actually happens I completely flap and I find it hard to deal with. So boundaries that are set in theory dont actually work in practise at the moment. Does that make sense?

[Lisa Golightly]

Makes perfect sense... and is going to be something that's really hard to overcome. Just have to tell him how you feel and see in time how things progress... It's a good reason why the 'euphoria' needs to be controlled before you begin to feel you've lost him totally to CD'ing.

It's always so hard when the SO doesn't know... Was why I was always honest at the outset.

Just make sure you feel comfortable and happy... If you don't you need to say or the potential damage increases...

Rooting for you baby x

[sarahNZ]

sounds to me as you are in need of sitting your man down and letting him know in no uncertain terms that "at this point you are having difficulty coming to terms with it all within your own head!" tell him your heart says yes but your head is still trying to catch up, tell him that you love him and do not want to loose that love because he can't slow down, and with a little bit of time and understanding from him (he needs to apply the breaks to the credit card and slow things down for a bit) you can come to grips with it all together, after all he is asking a lot of understanding from you right now i'nt he?!

Make sure that you remind him that he still needs to show you that he is your man big and strong! and that he is not to be a "big girl" all the time (even if he is a bit more cuddly now that he is finally showing the fem side that has been supressed for so long)

As for the intimate moments... I would sadly have loved to be accepted into the intimate side of married life but for the reasons stated above (I could not slow down) It will now never come to pass.

I wish you all my best in relaying your message to your SO and I hope he can slow down for both of your sakes.

[Lady JayDee]

Make sure that you remind him that he still needs to show you that he is your man big and strong! and that he is not to be a "big girl" all the time (even if he is a bit more cuddly now that he is finally showing the fem side that has been supressed for so long)

.

Thank you Sarah.

This is a bit point for me. At the moment, whenever we have any alone time he tends to get dressed. Its kinda killed all spontaneity in the bedroom department as he will ask me if Im tired (ie. am i up for being intimate!!) and as I have a 17 month old and a 5 month old the answer is invariably yes!! He will then get changed but then the possibility of any intimacy goes out the window because he changes and I just can't make love to him as a women. I dont fancy Alana I fancy Alan. That may change but at the moment I have enough to get my head round without the thought of touching him when he is wearing a basque and stockings! So basically we are not being very intimate at all at the moment as all our together time is either spent with him dressing up or looking at clothes on Ebay.

Oh and finally, is it normal for you to spend FOREVER getting ready and then once you are ready going and getting changed 47 times in the duration of the evening?!

Its like I get my own little catwalk show

The problem with that being is that we dont really get alone time as he gets so embroiled in the dressing up that I may as well not be there anyway

[TSchapes]

Sorry, that's the first thing I saw. You're upset (as well you should be) and I'm jealous! I may have spent that in my life so far on all things transgenderd including outings, so please let me catch my breath!

But it's somewhat understandable if your SO has suppressed this for 20 years. Just like a rubber band that's stretched too far, there's going to be a snap back.

I've been an advocate of having a CD budget so that this does not become an issue. I have my own money set aside for my girly stuff.

And what is a budget? Nothing more than communication with your SO on what is mutually agreed upon. Which is the same for the other issues you mention. If you don't wish to see your SO dressed, then that's what you tell them. Don't like what to be intimate while they are dressed, then express that.

Many women that are involved with CDs have a period of morning as they feel their manly man is now gone. I think CDs have a responsibility to understand this and make sure they are there for their SO in this capacity if so required. There are GGs that are perfectly happy to have a permanent girl friend instead of a man 24/7 and that again is their choice. But the bottom line is the two of you have to decide where your own lines are at.

I wish you and your's much happiness. I believe being honest and forthright is the best policy when dealing with transgender issues.

Love, Tracy

[Sarah_GG]

Oh and finally, is it normal for you to spend FOREVER getting ready and then once you are ready going and getting changed 47 times in the duration of the evening?!

Yes, in my experience!

Sounds like your SO is going full steam ahead with his pink fog and you're on the sidelines left holding the babies and trying to get your head around everything. Can you ask him to slow down a bit?

In the beginning I often felt that I was only in my SOs life to facilitate his dressing. This wasn't true at all, but because we have four kids between us it meant that any free together time that came up he would want to spend dressing.

Don't give yourself a hard time about not fancying his femme side. With two young babies I'm surprised you've got any libido anyway

[Sandra]

IMO the main thing you need to do is sit him down nd tell him how you feel about everything.

He has to remember that just because you know about the cding, that isn't a the green light for him to go over board which it sounds very much like he is doing.

I have been married 22 years this August and was told 6 month into our marriage, my SO went 24/7 nearly 5 years ago. Partners have to realize that things aren't going to happen over night and it can take a lot of time for the wife/gf to come to terms with it all.

If you are not happy with how quick things are going then you have to speak up, because if you don't then things will get worse, and will most likely cause a lot of trouble.

You will hear this a lot on this forum

Talk, talk and then talk some more and also listen to each other.

[mklinden2010]

LJD,

Really some excellent responses. But, I was waiting for this issue to come up:

"But the emotional part of me - the one who married the big butch man and the bit of me that enjoys the fact that Im a sexy female and loved that I had this big strong man - thats the part of me that is finding this hard to cope with."

Ouch.

Your big butch man is being an idiot. A wife, children, a marriage? Whoa, big fella! Let's slow down and consider EVERYTHING that needs to be done, not just your hot shot desire to slap on some clothes and play pretend - even if it is very sincere pretending...

It's not, of course, so much that he's off crossdressing; it's that he's off doing anything while you wither on the vine. Who gets married and has kids while hoping to wind up going it alone?

Yeah, time for the man to man, or, whatever, talk:

"Look, Bubbette, take out the trash, paint the porch, get the oil changed in the car - today! If you want to do that in drag, I don't care what you wear but the can needs to be empty, the paint should gleam, and don't get grease on the steering wheel. Don't pout... Even women have to do something helpful you know - it ain't all dress up!"

The unmanly (bothersome) part of this is that he's suddenly not pulling his weight as a partner, husband, father... or, considerate human being. Crossdressing is not that big a deal if life goes on normally and the dog gets walked. Make it a bigger deal than everything else, however, and everything else is going to suffer.

Tell you what, bring him in here close to the computer screen and let me have a whack at giving him a slap.

Why? Well, that part about him asking if you're tired and then going off to play on his own? Crude and rude. He's your partner; if you're tired, he needs to work his ass as hard as you do so that you're both tired - until things get better enough around there that you both go to bed with some energy to celebrate NOT being tired - at last!

Male of female, that sort of inconsiderateness is being a jerk.

He's done better - have her do better.

Good luck.

[DanaLynn57]

Hi Lady JayDee...I remember when my SO first found out about me...She had a very hard time accepting it like most women do...I didnt realize how much it was really harming her at the time...Thru the years we have grown closer and the dressing is still a big part of me but I never acted like a kid in a candy store when she first found out...Our marriage almost ended and it was hard for her to understand much less to accept...She felt and still does feel that she wants the man she married to be the leader and the rock and assume the role that is meant for him to have in the home...Both my kids were out so it was easy for me to have more time when she was not here...I have never been fully dressed when she came home from work, shopping, or the grocery store...I have always felt a little embarassed about that...I knew I was pushing her to her very edge if I were to do that and I respected her enough not to...I think Alana needs to join this forum and let some of these girl here get a hold of her and calm her down...I really dont think his behavior with dressing all the time, spending lost of money on a large wardrobe, and wanting to be Alana in bed all the time is the norm for most CDs...You dont want to leave him over this but unfortunatly it happens all the time...Then I think the CDer wakes up and realizes that he has lost his love and best friend...Most of the time its too late then....

Having him join this forum would not be a bad idea in my opinion...He would have others to chat with and maybe see that his behavior has been very extreme...Good luck and if you love him it will work out...Dont give up...My wife didnt give up on me...

[Wen4cd]

£3k is a ton of money. That's like 10x what I've spent on dressing over the course of 18 years. Heck, that's 10x what I spent on guy clothes my whole life.

And my wife, it's a rare thing when I am interacting with her dressed, a special occasion. "Next Tuesday let's send the child to visit gramma for the night and do something special."

Those occasions come along about 3 or 4 times a year. 'Every day' would dilute and ruin everything fun about it.

There's a not-so-fine line between devotion and obsession. Obsession eventually leaves one cold, empty, broke, and alone, even with others.

[AllieSummers]

Hi,

I came out to my wife in April of this year.

I dress in front of her regularly. In fact I only dress with her at this point.

Just after I came out to her she wanted to see me dressed. It was the next day.

We are also intimate together when I dress. I try to not over-do it. She was concerned about losing her husband. She needs a strong male to take care of her and so at least half the time we are intimate I'm in full male mode. The rest of the time I may be partially dressed and the some of the time I'm fully dressed.

She actually really enjoys being with me while I'm dressed.

Before I came out to her I was having some performance issues. I think it was because of the guilt I had about hiding my dressing.

We've gone from being intimate 2 or 3 times a month before I came out to 2 or 3 times a week since I've come out. It has really boosted our love life.

You sould like an incredible woman. Your husband is lucky to have you.

Good luck...

Kisses,

Allie

[RachelF]

Hi,

This as any other thing you like a lot can hurt your financial position. Just from the money point of view there should be a reasonable limit to the spending based on your family income and how it make sense. Some times spending too much in something is a sign of other type of problem, maybe he is too nervous about the situation. Try to get him calm down about this.

I do not fully dress, because I do not use make up neither wigs. I also did not shave my body (although I would like to). It is a matter of balancing how accepting the SO is and how far you can go with the crossdressing.

In my case, crossdressing is a turn on for me. So, most of the time I dress we end in the bed.

I think you have to find, with him, a balance point were you both can feel well and establish limits that both agree. Hope you the best.

Rachel

[KimberlyJo]

You sould like an incredible woman. Your husband is lucky to have you.

Agree...agree..agree!!!

But he really needs to slow it down and take your feelings into consideration. Otherwise he is going to destroy the understanding and acceptance that you have already given him.

Get him off of Ebay and onto this site at the very least. He'll learn a lot from the experiences and advice that all the wonderful people here have to offer. AND he'll come to realize how very lucky he is to have your understanding and hopefully won't squander it like he is now. He should be doing at least as much reading and learning about cding as you are.

Hugz and much love to you!

[carolinewalker_2000]

Dear Lady Jay Dee,

Many of the replies you have already had in response to your original post have given an excellent resumee of why your man is probably behaving as he is at present. I can only re-iterate the importance of getting him to understand the importance of recognising and responding to your emotional situation.

My wife knows a bit about my crossdressing but neither understands nor approves. I have therefore had to find a way to resolve my needs and her views. The result is that I dress less often than I would ideally wish and only in a very limited way in her presence. This is a price worth paying as it protects my marriage - which is absolutely the most important thing for me.

Take action NOW and talk, before rifts develop between the two of you.

Good luck and my very best hopes for you both.

[Lady JayDee]

Oh my goodness I am totally blown away by how lovely you all are and how helpful!
I feel tonnes better already Thank you all so much for your responses.

My husband is a member of this site, he is just a lot shyer than I am (Im the extrovert in our relationship!!) and he is very very nervous about speaking out which I can totally understand.

I just wanted to say that he is a wonderful man and thats why I want to work through this with him. He is a fantastic Daddy to our two boys and he has been a great husband, its just been these past few months that his "pink fog" (I love that expression!!) has descended and things have tended to be pushed to one side in favour of his dressing.

Today for example I needed a dress to wear as we are going out saturday night and I was able to look at the clothes site and he helped me choose on MSN what to wear Thats a new part of our relationship that Im really enjoying. I like the fact that I have gained a girlfriend, I just dont want to lose my guy.

[LeslieSD]

You are a wonderful lady. Your husband is extremely lucky to have you.

Like everything in the relationship, there is usually no specific guidelines, but things need to be communicated between the couples. So keep on communicating.

In my case, my wife is not a flexible person in nature. She objects to my dressing strongly in the beginning. She does not even want to read about it (I bought all the books for her). But after years of work and discussion, now she accepts that crossdressing is a part of me, and tolerates that.

Things are different for every crossdressor (how much he likes to dress). Things are different for every wife (how flexible/secure they are). Things are different for every relationship (how much people are willing to do for the other). And finally things are different over time (things do change).

So only you and your SO can truely find what is the best for you, and enjoy it. :-)

[PhillyGuy2Girl]

I had CDed when I was 16 that summer but stopped. A year and a half ago, my wife and I decided to dress me up and the feelings came back. I told her right there about my desire to CD and when I did at 16. She is very acceptable and I dress whenever I want and has no problem with it. But if you want boundries your husband shold be respectful of that and 3K is an awful lot of money to spend. With your husband he kept it bottled up all these years and now that you know he's letting his female side out in full force.Just talk to your husband and tell him how you feel and come to a compromise with boundries.My wife's birthday is tomorrow and I'm making her a romantic dinner, so I asked her would she like me in guy mode and she told no, that she would like me to wear my sexy red dressed fully made up with blonde wig.She even went to Victoria's Secret and bought lingerie for me to dress in later in the evening.I'm like great but my point is if she wanted me guy mode I would have no problem respecting her wishes.


Felicity