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Thread: Problem " SO's of CDers Input as Well"

  1. #1
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    Problem " SO's of CDers Input as Well"

    Well ladies I have a tiny problem. First off it's been a while since I have actually dressed, almost a month. Well tonight my wife and I had a major blow out, not much about my dressing but about other things. She brought up my dressing one time during the whole thing and it was towards the end. After the major stuff was done I opened my mouth, and I told her that the reason why I don't like dressing anymore is because of her. She asked why and I just told her because she doesn't make me feel comfortable doing it anymore, she apologized for it and said well I don't mean to make you feel uncomfortable about it. I also said that it more than likely brought a stop to me doing something that I have enjoyed doing all my life that is a part of me. Don't get me wrong I love my wife and kids more than CDing and would give it up in a heartbeat if asked to if it meant saving my family. We had made a deal quite a few times that I would clean if she would let me dress while doing it, and that was fine. But it was not the only thing I would dress for. Granted there would be times that I would dress and clean for an hour or so and call it quits, and when I did I would get undressed and go about my business or go to bed.

    Was I wrong, or mean, or cruel for telling her that she is the reason that I don't dress anymore? I think that I might have over stepped my Boundaries by doing so, but I'm not sure. What do you gal's think. And SO's of CDers your input is welcome as well.

  2. #2
    The 100th sheep GaleWarning's Avatar
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    A recurring theme on this site is the need for CDers and their SOs to keep on communicating. It seems to me that you and she have done just this.

    You have done a good thing by letting her know exactly how you feel. I hope that she thinks things through carefully and comes back to you with a suggestion which will make both of you feel happier and more comfortable in your relationship.

    My thoughts are with both of you ....

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    Senior Member Bev06 GG's Avatar
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    Mya, we often say things in the heat of the moment that dont quite come out right. And waiting for a fall out is probably the worst way for something like that to come out, however, come out it must.

    Your wife is probably devastated that she has made you feel like that because there has obviously been some misunderstanding. I always think things are better out than in, and provided no grudges or bad feeling remain and you take the positives away with you then I dont think there is ever any lasting damage. I think the very fact that your reflecting on the situation and how it happened shows your a very compationate person. I'd like to guess your wife is too because she is obviously apologetic for making you feel that way and is probably reflecting on what she did to make you feel that way.

    We all have our litle imperfections which come spilling out when we are put into a tricky situation or are up against the wall for something. I think it just goes to show that at the end of the day your a human being who does consider others and how your actions have affected them. The good thing about arguments is that if your not stubborn you get to make up and thats great fun.
    Take care
    Bev

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    Silver Member Joanne f's Avatar
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    I think it is easy for a Cder to go through a stage of what most would call , none self acceptance, and in that stage you are on a heightened alert for any sign`s from you SO that you would read as " i don`t like him cross dressing", things like a slightest mood change ,a word in the wrong place or wrong tone and you will put it down to the cross dressing , sometimes it maybe but not always and that is where we can go wrong as our moods affects our SOs mood and vice versa.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Joanne

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    Well today we have not talked about last night any, she hasn't brought up anything about the reason I told her. I'm just wondering if I should bring it up and her and I have a talk about it, does this seem like a good idea?

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    Transman Andy66's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by joanne f View Post
    I think it is easy for a Cder to go through a stage of what most would call , none self acceptance, and in that stage you are on a heightened alert for any sign`s from you SO that you would read as " i don`t like him cross dressing", things like a slightest mood change ,a word in the wrong place or wrong tone and you will put it down to the cross dressing , sometimes it maybe but not always and that is where we can go wrong as our moods affects our SOs mood and vice versa.
    I agree with Joanne. I think it was absolutely the right thing to tell the wife how you feel. It stinks that it came out in an argument, but at least it came out. Likewise, if last night is bothering you, I believe it's better to talk than to build up resentment.

    Since I don't know your wife, I can't tell what her reaction will be. Is she the communicative type, or the type who will feel like she's being nagged or accused? It might be worth it to set the mood just right for such a conversation. Bring her flowers, or cuddle, or whatever it takes to put her in a positive frame of mind.

  7. #7
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Mya, you were correct in telling your wife how you feel, but IMO you musn't blame her if you feel uncomfortable dressing. You cannot deprive yourself of doing what you need to do and you cannot make your wife feel comfortable with the CDing if she is not inclined to do so at the moment. So there needs to be some compromises.

    I know the ideal is to have a spouse who participates, but this takes time for some GGs, while other GGs (hopefully fewer and fewer as time progresses) have a difficult time wrapping their minds around their husbands being TG, especially if there are young children about. Your wife does not need to participate in the CDing for you to CD. What is important is that she recognizes and supports your need to express yourself, and that you become OK with expressing yourself without her participation. If you can get to this point, eventually the two of you may get on the same page, especially as the children get older.

    So in the meantime, can you and your wife establish times that it would be OK for both of you when you dress? I know having young children makes it difficult, but do you have a CD support group or friends you can go out with regularly? Does she have girlfriends she can go out with regularly too, so she isn't always the one at home staying with the kids? Do you ever get the house to yourself? If the kids are little and they go to bed early, are there evenings when you could dress at home?

    What are each of your feelings about telling the kids?

    Your wife probably feels devastated if she feels blamed for your unhappiness. She did say she was not trying to make you feel uncomfortable. I hope you both find a way to work it out. It sounds as if you love each other very much.

    Reine

  8. #8
    Banned Read only Satrana's Avatar
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    Hell no, not only have you not overstepped your boundaries but you need to do this more often. By the sounds of it your wife is only a bit tolerant and a far cry from accepting. At the same time she is trying to understand. She is probably at a loss to understand why you do this and probably suspicious that there are ulterior motives involved. This means she is not in a position to empathize how you feel and instead she will tend to focus solely on her own feelings of hurt and confusion.

    We CDs are brought up to be blokes, which means we are useless at expressing what we feel. We need to discard that part of masculinity completely and do our best to always communicate how we feel. Hopefully your wife will better understand what this means to you and in future will resist the temptation to use your CDing as a punching bag.

  9. #9
    Melora / Katie Melora's Avatar
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    Well...
    If that was the Pact.. Then.. It was Your fault = If you two agreed to it.. = BUT You leave out too much Information..!! We need more facts like..
    Why dont you like dressing Anymore because of her..
    Also.. What is it that She does that makes You feel uncomfortable???
    More Info is needed for analysis... = Not much Information.
    [SIZE=2]The sound of Galaxies Playing the Music of our lives, The notes we strike Reasoned in time and space, Silent Symphony waiting to be heard, Musical Aura holding unseen worlds..., The Sound of Galaxies..., Playing the music of our lives, The Numbers we Married, Equations and formulas, A MUTE language of the universe, Mathematical resonance, The thought of Matter.."Samael".. Lessons in magick[/SIZE]

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    Mya, whatever you do, definitely bring it up again and don't let it simmer over time. But we do need more information about the situation. Has she said anything negative about it, or is it more your perception of her attitude?

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    I'm a little teapot, and so are you...

    >>>After the major stuff was done I opened my mouth, and I told her that the reason why I don't like dressing anymore is because of her. She asked why and I just told her because she doesn't make me feel comfortable doing it anymore, she apologized for it and said well I don't mean to make you feel uncomfortable about it. I also said that it more than likely brought a stop to me doing something that I have enjoyed doing all my life that is a part of me.


    Sounds like you worked in a small admission towards the end there - and probably something you needed to say. She heard you and was very decent about it, as you describe it.

    The problem here is more likely yours, not hers. You have internal pressure to do this that she doesn't feel and you have to say what's bothering you rather than let it build up and start controlling your mood and your words.

    Work something out. Apologize for not speaking up for yourself and letting your problem become a bigger issue than it is...

    As to why you did that...

    Well, let's face it, it's not always possible to do what you want and need. Family gets in the way, schedules get in the way, work gets in the way. Figure out a way to get what you want and ask for some help figuring out a time and place to do that.

    It's not easy being different, but it doesn't have to be bad...

    Keep talking, but talk more often.

    Good luck.

  12. #12
    Member having fun. Sophia de la luz's Avatar
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    Maybe I'm misreading this, but it sounds like you are blaming her for your feelings. Finally, that's not going to allow either one of you to be as happy as you could be.
    One test I use on myself to see how much of an issue is actually related to the other person vs. "an inside job", is to observe my self-talk and emotional state while I'm alone. If it's been a couple of hours since an interaction and I'm still pretty worked up, then I know who needs the attention and growth work... me. And until that is handled to my satisfaction (measured by sense of ease and completeness with the issue) I leave the other person out of it.
    One nice benefit of this approach is that the ultimate communication with my partner is usually quite pleasant and not at all what I would have expected at the beginning of the sequence.
    Hope that helps. And if I'm way off, forgive me.
    Love will find its own way through.

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    I can't think of the words that I want to type right now on the events from the other night. We have not talked about this issue since the other night yet. I am trying to find the words to bring it up w/out causing a big blow out over it. I did leave out the fact that we do have a time when i can dress and thats when no one is home IE: kids, and after the kids are in bed. But it seems like when she knows I want to dress she either stays up and I get tired of waiting for her to go to bed and give up, or she is constantly waking up when I'm dressed. And the main reason to me that she makes me feel uncomfortable is she does get kinda jealous cause I can wear things that she can't, and she says that I have better legs than her, which I know is not my fault but it still makes me uncomfortable.
    I'm not looking from comments from her when I do dress by no means, but it would be nice once in a while if she said something nice about what I wear, it would help my uncomfortable feelings maybe.
    Someone mentioned something about the possibility of meeting other's that CD and having a day to myself, but that is not possible to do, there are no other CD'ers close to me that I know about.

    I guess all around now that I sit and look at my situation it sounds more like I am making my self uncomfortable but I'm not sure.

    I believe I have said in other threads that my wife has an account on this site as well to try and help herself learn more about us CDers but I don't think that she visits it anymore.

    I will keep e1 informed of my situation. Thank you everyone for your input.

  14. #14
    Aspiring Member Sarah-RT's Avatar
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    I think that you may have stepped over the boundary a little bit. when it comes to CDing, even though its a huge part of us all, it can be deemed selfish, especially when the SO loves you originally for the man before she found out about the CDing. maybe if you tell her what you told us, that you would give it up well before the family, and explain that they mean more but its something that you cant forget, nor do you want to.

    when the only SO I ever told had the usual arguement after the breakup, she said that she found my CDing reasuring to herself that she was not the only one with problems which hurt me alot because she had always said it never bothered her.

    I hope some of this poorly typed message makes sense, its late in the night.. :P
    I cant stand to fly, I'm not that naive. I'm just out to find the better part of me. I'm more than a bird, I'm more than a plane, I'm more than some pretty face beside a train. Its not easy to be me.

  15. #15
    Platinum Member Sheila's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by joanne f View Post
    I think it is easy for a Cder to go through a stage of what most would call , none self acceptance, and in that stage you are on a heightened alert for any sign`s from you SO that you would read as " i don`t like him cross dressing", things like a slightest mood change ,a word in the wrong place or wrong tone and you will put it down to the cross dressing , sometimes it maybe but not always and that is where we can go wrong as our moods affects our SOs mood and vice versa.
    thanks Joanne, you are so right, sometimes we all say things that don't come out as right as they sound in our heads either and the more we try to put it right the larger the hole we dig and

    Hun talk to her, she sounds as if she cares a great deal about you and your feelings, remember the CD hook is not the hook to hang all our relationship problems on
    I allow myself to set healthy boundaries ..... to say no to what does not align with my values, to say yes to what does.
    Boundaries assist me to remain healthy, honest and living a life that is true to me

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    Sabotage and sniping...

    >>But it seems like when she knows I want to dress she either stays up and I get tired of waiting for her to go to bed and give up, or she is constantly waking up when I'm dressed. And the main reason to me that she makes me feel uncomfortable is she does get kinda jealous cause I can wear things that she can't, and she says that I have better legs than her, which I know is not my fault but it still makes me uncomfortable.


    So, on the one hand she says (previous blow-up) that's she doesn't mean to make you uncomfortable, yet you report that she seems to quietly undermine your agreements and take shots at you when they are offered...

    Passive aggressive? Thoughtless? Leaving you too much to make your own way without being bothered?

    Choices, choices...

    Your situation is difficult because only you feel the pressure or need that you feel but you're not being successful at resolving that - despite discussions and agreements in your "supporting" marriage.

    Yeah, I guess it would take some time to sit back and think about what's going on and if you want to revisit all that again. Tough job because she can just say, "What? We already talked about this... You're the one not taking care of your business - I'm just staying out of your way as much as I can." Yep, like sitting in the other end of the canoe and reading while I row...

    So, revisit the previous discussion and agreements and bring it up, "This doesn't seem to be working - at least not for me." Either you'll get some agreement and things will smooth out, or, they won't. If they do, there will still be tension - that's life - and if they don't there will be open conflict. That's life too.

    You might review what you've agreed on so far - and then just do it. Live by the clock, not your moods, and see how it goes. Feeling bad about CDing/not CDing in the first place, then being let down and frustrated in the second place, is a "double whammy." Sometimes you just have to pick which issue you'd like to deal with: either you got dressed up and she didn't like it, or, you didn't dress up and you didn't like it.

    Keep in mind she may be playing the, "He'll grow out of it game/He'll get forced out of it game." Meaning, family will take hold and you'll stop this in time. "Not."

    The reality is that this fairly harmless activity is not going away and it's on you, and her if she choses to be helpful, to figure out how to work this happily into the rest of your life.

    If you're "protecting" your children from this, then you're not teaching them all they need to know about life to be happy, successful, adaptable people in life. You're setting up future problems by ignoring your certain CDing future - and wasting learning time/setting up future haters in the process. Kids, you know, "get" playing dress up. You can start there.

    Be careful, your marriage and family is being built with this "fault line" running through it. That could be bad.

    On the other hand, the best steel swords are heated and folded many times to align and the steel to make a stronger sword.

    Good relationships are tested many times and become great by meeting and successfully embracing the challenging experiences that come along. This test, CDing, can be a very good thing for a relationship if you are both about solving problems rather than chewing on them and always blaming one of you for "the problem."

    Face your problems together, deal with them together, and, enjoy them together. Married life is about living your lives together as more than just neighbors or room mates.

    Live happily.

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