Advice insight wanted

[mother]

First of all Hi.

I know my user name isnt very imaginative but it does the job and says who i am a mother of a 15 year old son who cross dressers.At least i think that is what he does.


Bit of background.

My son has Aspergers syndrome.Looking back hes always had a thing for female clotheing.When he was younger he would slip on my slippers even though he had his own or could have put his fathers on,if he was cold hed insist on wearing my dressing gown,againe mine was girly and pink and he could have put his own on or borrowed his dads.He once insisted his sister painted his toenails.she was mortified he was around 7 or 8 at time.We thought nothing of this kind of behaviour just basically put it down to him being young.


Anyway around 4 years ago i noticed knickers going missing from the wash basket and drawers.........but i kinda thought id just got it wrong.My daughter started saying things were missing from her room ie knickers but i just thought oh youve lost them.Anyway one day we came home wed left our son at home watching tv and we noticed something frilly peeping out from his trouser waiste band he was wearing her knickers.We said what you got on and he hit the roof said he wasnt wearing anything.Anyway to cut a long story short hes been stealing his sisters underwear ever since hideing it in his bedroom and wearing it at night or in bed ......weve never seen him wearing it againe but i think he does but out of sight.

Weve told him we dont care it doesnt matter we love him ect hes our son.....last week i actually went out and bought him a paire of female knickers and put them in his room ............i just want him to stop takeing our things thats what ive a problem with not the wearing of the stuff and i thought if i bought him his own it would stop the stealing of our stuff and stop him being stressed maybe trying to get to our things.Its not worked and hes still takeing our stuff.


I dont know what to do.

I havent a problem with the cross dressing if thats what it is i truely havent but i need to know should i ignore it all never mention it againe...........should i try to talk to him about it..............its hard due to his aspergers.........

Please if you can help.

Youre experiances of being 15,anything how youd of wanted say youre mum to react either ignoreing it or openly chatting whats best.

Thankyou.


Paula.........mother of a young lad.

[Melora]

Aspergers Syndrome...
I have never heard of this yet, And I am a Med student with 2 years of psych behind me.. = REAL EDUCATION!!
I do not know much about this.. But being an Autisim Type of a problem, = yes?
Just let him keep doing it up to an extant.. I think???
Untill He is able to buy his own things.. = We dont know his REAL EXTANT.. What are his capabilities..??
Good LUCK to you.. I have a family member who suffers Autisim.. It is such a chore as I am sure that you feel it too!!
Katie
PRB.

[Kristen-Gaye]

I'm no expert either but I do know boys at 15 are at an awkward age, at least I was anyway & easily embarressed to boot! His reaction is probably how I would have acted. Too embarressed to admit I was doing this but feeling ashamed as well. I guess having aspergers make things difficult on top of everything else but try to communicate that it doesn't matter & he's not alone.

[Lisa Golightly]

Hi Paula,

At 15 I simply denied everything and as far as I can remember if something got mentioned I'd clam up and say absolutely nothing... I found it all extemely embarassing and confusing in truth.

I don't know how I'd have reacted with accepting parents around me... never had that privellege... I guess I'd still have been silent and embarassed because I'd not be able to articulate the why's of my behaviour... I know now of course but I still find it hard at times to be truly open about some things... Just too damned shy.

Your situation is more complex of course... but it's obvious a behavoiural pattern of some kind is now set. I guess with aspergers (and I know one TS with aspergers personally) it is difficult to sometimes make a connection and get the answers you'd like... All you can do is try and see what you get told.

Lisa x

[Amy Lynn3]

Mother, this is just an idea. You may want to buy yourself some more undies and store them some place out of sight from your son. He could keep on wearing yours (old ones) while you have a new set.
This might not be correct either but I think I would confront him and remind him that what is yours is yours and you will buy him anything he wants to dress in, but he needs to keep your things private. It boils down to a matter of respect. I must add that as a cder myself I know it adds an extra thrill of the possibility of him being caught wearing your cloths.
Cding is something that will never go away and it may help him and you, if you join in. I'm not sure how he would react, but you might suggest he allow you to try makeup on him, just to see how it looks on that skin color. Just work into it slow.
I'm sorry if this is not a help, but I am shooting in the dark, because of not knowing much about the problem your son has. Maybe I have said something you can work off of or adapt to your needs.
Hugs and kisses, as I'm sure you can use them.

PS: Welcome to the club. I,m sure you have come to the right place for some answers. Many will be along soon to give you plenty of insight to your problem.

[ChrisP]

Hi Paula,

Welcome to our little home away from home.

Good for you that you are seeking out answers to this difficult question.

As you already know, Asperger's is part of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD).
And, it's not unusual for sexual issues (of all different varieties) to pop up in the home life of teenagers with the condition.

One of the challenges of Asperger's and ASD is the difficulty of recognizing and responding to appropriate social cues. People with ASD often inadvertenly offend others because they don't realize that they are doing something that is not quite (or very not quite!) the norm.

Please note that I'm not saying crossdressing is abnormal....it's not....it's in virtually all cultures around the globe.

But, crossdressing can obviously carry negative consequences when engaged in settings that are unfriendly to it.

I would recommend finding a counselor/psychologist there (and I assume that you are in England from your use of the term knickers) with experience in ASD, and you and your son (and husband too) can get some very good practical advice and coaching on what to do next.
They will not try to "cure" your son of his crossdressing...that just doesn't work, nor is it necessary (or desirable for that matter).
The NHS has quite a number of psychologists with this background, so I don't think you will have a hard time finding one.

I'm a physician with a background in the neurological sciences, and I've dealt with similar issues in other families.
The issue isn't so much the behavior, but the how and when of it being engaged in.

Good luck to you, and of course your son is lucky to have a mother who is both compassionate and seeking out more information.

Chris

[mother]

Thankyou all so much.

Yes Aspergers is on the autistic spectrum...but this isnt the reason for his cross dressing it just makes it harder to talk to him ect.


Ive been scanning the forum getting a real feel for a world lets be honest i know nothing about.


I like the suggestion of leaving underwear where he can "nick" it and use and haveing other knickers out of his reach so that hes getting the thrill of something naughty maybe without me fealing a bit miffed and his sister coz its mainly her stuff he takes fealing mortified hes wearing what she wears.Thing is i think its the garment and the material............my knickers are very plaine cotton boreing naff gear and he tends not to take theses........where as his sister being only 17 has loads of frilly lacey gear and this is what her likes to take and wear.......so its a combo of garment and material he never takes her more boreing plaine stuff........Shes recently got into suspender belts and stuff........we joked waite whilst he cops sight of that hell be desperate to wear it.



All we can do is reaffirm we love him,we dont care what is preferences are ect.even his dad doesnt care and is acepting....worse things let face it happen at sea............


Thank you everyone for being helpfull .

paula

[MsJanessa]

you probably did the right thing just buying the panties and leaving them on his bed---shouldn't encourage him to go into your drawers and take your drawers--pun intended--you wouldn't want him to get in the habit of stealing--it could be a real problem in later life also have a chat with him---tell him that wearing the girls underwear is fine and that you will get them for him in iieu of his stealing them and then when he is old enough and comfortable doing it he can buy them himself---good luck---wish I had had such understanding parents

[Sara Jessica]

This is such a caring and thoughtful thread you have started.

Chris has done such a good job in summing up what Aspergers is about along with some excellent practical advice.

I'll throw this into the mix. Aspergers or not, what is it that tells a child at a very young age that gender issues are not something you run off and chat with mom & dad about? Throw in the Aspergers along with being a walking hormone that a 15 y/o can be and I can see you have quite a difficult issue to contend with. I think your attempt at a solution was brilliant but when all is said and done, counseling such as Chris suggested might be the only real way you can break through with your son.

I wish you the best.

Sara

[BreenaDion]

THANK YOU criss for getting it right !!!! hip hip hurray. Yes Mother just let ur son do his thing. best you dont confront him about at home cuz that will ignite triggers in his head. Best to support him an leave the matter alone untile you get therapy. Damage will happen if you puss the issue. I know this, I live it. Try buying panties that he likes to steal an just place them in his draw. Dont mention it but dont get in a huff about him stealing cuz not where you want to go. If he steals more stuff, small price to pay for someones happyness/ fullfilment.

Good luck Love Bree.

[TSchapes]

I have a 16 year old son diagnosed with PDD-NOS (Pervasive Developmental Disorder - Not Otherwise Specified). He has hydrocephalus and has a shunt. He has communication problems too.

In your case, the only thing I would add is ask the question, "Is he stealing the clothing from you and your daughter because he wants to be closer to you or your daughter?" I am not a psychologist, but sometimes kids with these kinds of communication skills, things come out sideways.

I was wondering too if you had him choose what women's clothes he would like, would it add to his understanding that it's OK for him to do this. Again, this is just an idea. Sometimes doing things and not saying things works better. It does with my son.

ChrisP has really hit the nail on the head here, and seeking a professional that would understand these things would really help here.

I wish you all the best with this, I know how hard it is to have a child with communication problems. You are doing a good thing by coming here!

-Tracy

[TxKimberly]

Wow what an odd thing to see it from the mothers side!

Mother, from what I can see in your post, your son is very fortunate to have you as his mother. You are trying to understand, you are trying to come to some sort of accommodation, you are trying to be a good and loving mother.

It seems to me there are a number of concerns that you have raised.

Stealing - if we can agree that cross dressing isn't really a choice (and trust me, it's no where near that easy), then he really has had little choice. At his age, what other options has he got for getting things? He probably doesn't have an income of his own, and he probably doesn't have the courage to go buy things even if he did have the income. I'm not saying this makes the stealing right or acceptable, but lets at least try to understand what drove it. Now that you are aware of what he is doing, I think it's an awesome idea to leave him things that are his. Not because it's a Transgendered dream to have a mother that would love, accept, and help you, but because you give him some option other than stealing. If you are doing this for him, and he is STILL stealing, I Think I'd have to make it a point to have a conversation with him making it clear that while you may be willing to buy him some things he likes, you are NOT willing to tolerate his stealing from you or his sister. I'm not talking about being harsh, or angry, I'm just advocating letting him know your aware he is swiping things and that it's not acceptable.

Cross dressing - It's pretty clear at this point that he is cross dressing. Weather it stops there or he has transsexual leanings is something yet to be determined. Being a cross dresser may not be exactly what you have pictured in the past. Many of us on this forum are married, a lot of us for many decades. Many of us have children. Most of us live entirely normal lives, so don't go giving up your hopes and dreams for grand children just yet!

Getting him to admit or talk about it. Wow - NO idea where to take that one. I have trouble imagining what it would have been like had my mother approached me about it. I Think if my mother had talked to me about it, I'd probably have spilled the beans and been grateful to have someone I loved that I could talk to. I don't know if all boys would react the same or not though, and suspect many would look you in the eye and deny it . . . the entire time they were taking your wedding gown off. . .

Most of all, I just want to give you a hug. It must be hard for you, and yet you are clearly doing your very best to learn and to work with him. Your awesome!

[jazmine]

Mother. You are great! You are handleling this very well. He's probably just embarrassed. I know that I use to "borrow" things from my mom and sister, when I was young, because I didn't have a job or money yet, to get my own stuff. Plus I was too embarrassed at the time to actually go buy something.
I don't know. I was always very careful when I borrowed something, and ALWAYS returned it in the exact location when done. If I was ever approached by my mom on the situation, I would have been mortified, and completey stopped "borrowing" their things out of fear that THEY knew!

I hope the best for you in the "situation".

[Nicki B]

Aspergers Syndrome...
I have never heard of this yet, And I am a Med student with 2 years of psych behind me.. = REAL EDUCATION!!

Then perhaps you ought to have?

Yes Aspergers is on the autistic spectrum...but this isnt the reason for his cross dressing it just makes it harder to talk to him ect.

The fact that you've realised that is, I think, extremely useful.

As you already know, Asperger's is part of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD).
And, it's not unusual for sexual issues (of all different varieties) to pop up in the home life of teenagers with the condition.

Couldn't you just say that for teenagers, full stop? It's just the Aspergers makes it even more complicated..


Mother, I don't think this is a solution with a quick fix, even for an 'ordinary' teenager - they don't understand themselves and they're changing all the time. But doing what you're already doing - letting him know the behaviour is okay with you, because you love him whatever (but to be wary in showing it to others - difficult that one, I know) - has to be the way to go?

I think your teen is very lucky in his Mum - and my respect to you, Asperger's is a long struggle to live with.

[Granny Gray]

Mother: Your heart is bigger than the whole of the UK.
I'm a retired Psychologist with a lot of years experience dealing with a wide variety of young folks and their problems.
Autism and it's attendant spectrum of neurological disorders must be truly one of the things a parent rightfully dreads. It's highly complex.
With society's relative ignorance of Gender identify and the mistaken fixation of appending crossdressing to homosexuality, while your son's liking to wear panties and possibly other feminine things can be problematic in society's reaction to it, crossdressing is not, in my opinion the major area of problems your son faces living in a rather ignorant society. I don't mean to impune British society, just HUMAN society for I dare say your local social atmosphere is, relative to crossdressing, fairly similar to the situation most every where else.
I hope you find working solutions and the emotional support I know you need both here on this forum and elsewhere. As someone else said: Your son is LUCKY to have you as his "MUM". J

[Christina Horton]

AWESOM simply AWESOME Mother. You don't know how many of us would have loved to have you as a mom. Don't get me wrong I LOVE mt mom, It's just for most we would have never come out cuz we "knew" Mom and Dad would (yell , freak out , punish us, E.T.C.) If my mom knew wen I was 15 ( My family never knew until I told them when I was 23) Me personally would have then told them (IF) they said first hand that It was fine if I dressed as a girl anytime I wanted. Your situation if harder cuz of his aspergers he may not even know he's a crossdresser. I know nothing about aspergers but ,You might consider a few things.

1. buy him one set of everything a girly girly would wear like Pantie's and hose slip dress or skirt and top one pair of heals and may be a wig. Lay them on his bed with a note saying if you like you may wear this to supper tonight.

2. Sit him in front of you computer and come to this site and show him all the pretty Girls and tell him "you see all these pretty girls and all crossdressing men , and if you want to do that it's fine with you dad and sister and me if you want t dress like a girl.

I am not sure what your son will do but if we as kids have a mother Father a sister like you family well we all would have been so much happier . The Counsellor is a great idea. Now the girls here will have a say If me Idea's are a good one's or a bad one. It's just my thoughts on it . But I am neither a father nor even have a wife.....Yet.

So take my advice with a grain Of salt and discuss thin with your hubby.

You are a angle here on EARTH so please have a great life and keep up the wonderful work with your son. God Bess you all.

[Joanne f]

Hello Mother,
and welcome, a very difficult question to answer because of your sons age.
First of all i do not think that you can count the slippers and dressing gown things as at a young age they really do not see the difference and may be inclined to go with your things merely because there may be slightly more social bonding with with you (the mother).
Now i agree that it is not acceptable for your son to take your daughters underwear but to be honest i doubt if there are many 15 year olds who have not given the chance due to hormone reasons .
Now i think that you have had a good idea in buying some underwear that he can have but i would not approach him with them as 15 yr olds could find it quite embarrassing in admitting that they like them but you may have a slight advantage in the fact that he has Aspergers syndrome in the fact that he may not realise the significance of wearing girls underwear (to most) but certainly not on here.
Which brings me to the first question , is he a cross dresser or is he going to be a cross dresser, at this stage i do not think that you will have a real reason to think that yet as he is just exploring things , but i will say one thing and that is he is lucky to have a mother like you , just be patient and only time will tell .
Oh there is a FAB (female at birth) section on here which i am sure you will find very helpful as there are other mothers on there and i am sure someone will soon give you the link

[docrobbysherry]

Just a few thots from when I was a 15 y/o boy.

1. The fact that his sis has/is wearing the undies MAY BE a turn on for him! And her NOT liking it, may add "forbidden" excitement for him!

2. U r quite lucky he is ONLY into undies! Expect THAT to change, if he is in fact, going to become a lifelong CD.

3. Buy plain undies for your daughter, if she wants him not to touch them! Expect him to be attracted to, and wear, her SEXY ones!

4. This could be just a phase. I went thru several stages of sexual turn ons in my teens. Altho CDing wasn't one of them back then. If u don't make a big deal out of it, he may move on to something else, like girls, eventually.

[joannemarie barker]

it could just be a phase at 15.when i was that age both me and my twin brother raided my sisters knicker drawer.he ended up growing out of it completely where i progressed to skirts and dresses.either way he will have to stop nickin stuff one day.there's nothing wrong with him because of this and personally i think i got the better deal out of me and my bro

[Joselle3]

I would give him a good hug and tell him.its ok dear we love you and then buy him some clothes for himself and when you do empathize to him that borrowing or stealing yours or his sisters clothing is no longer necessary..you can have your own

[GaleWarning]

To add something ... for three years I was a teacher-aide to a young boy with Aspergers.
1. I understand that each such individual is fixated on something. My charge was into computers. He talked of nothing else. So a question for you, mother ... what is it that your son is fixed upon?
(This could help those who are knowledgeable on the forum offer further advice.)
2. Such boys have no affect ... they find it difficult to relate to others, especially girls. I wonder if this is a reason for the crossdressing?
3. They find it difficult to understand right from wrong, and this is where it is very important to find the help of a professional person who knows how to communicate effectively with your son. Not only will it help your son feel more comfortable in his daily surroundings, your whole family will learn great skills.
Having a son with Aspergers is not something I think I could handle. Dealing with one who crossdresses makes things even more difficult.
I'd like to add my congratulations to you, mother.
You are a very special person!

[ReineD]

I like the suggestion of leaving underwear where he can "nick" it and use and haveing other knickers out of his reach so that hes getting the thrill of something naughty

Welcome Mother, I'm so glad you found us! I have a 15 year old son too. I know how difficult it is for him to talk about his private concerns with me and I can imagine how much more difficult it would be if he CDed and had Aspberger's. Your son is very fortunate to have parents who accept him.

As difficult as it is for your son to admit to the CDing, it is important that he should not feel ashamed of who he is. There is nothing wrong with CDing. Allowing him to take underwear without permission will only reinforce the idea that he is doing something 'bad'. At your son's age the CDing is likely more sexual than an inner drive to express femininity, and this reason alone would make it difficult for him to be open and frank with his mother. But, as difficult as it may be, having open and frank discussions with our children about EVERYTHING: sexuality, drugs, alcohol, relationships, self-esteem issues, values, etc, is crucial to their healthy development. Kids who can learn to trust they can be themselves with their parents without feeling judged by them will benefit greatly in the long run.

All we can do is reaffirm we love him,we dont care what is preferences are ect.even his dad doesnt care and is acepting....

I agree with Chris that you may want to seek professional help with your son in order to improve on the communication and to help him accept who he is. And if your husband feels up to it, your son might also be more willing to talk to his dad about 'private issues' than with you right now?

This forum is for members 18 and over, but Laura's Playground is a good resource for CD Teens and their parents. You might want to take a look. Much of the focus is on transsexual teens which your son may not be, but there are still good resources for CDers. There is a forum just for teens that he could join and that would provide him with a place to begin to talk about the CDing with others. It will help him see that he is not alone.

It also might help for you to give your daughter some resources about the CDing so that she can understand your son a bit better. It is very important to remember that it is not easy for a young man to admit to himself and others that he CDs, having grown up in a society that tells boys they are lesser men if they want to express femininity.

[ChrisP]

Paula,

I think the idea of leaving panties or other articles about that your son can safely "nick" wouldn't be a good idea in this instance.

First off, with the issue of Asperger's, embarassment is not as big a problem as it might be otherwise.
That is often the problem we see in teens with Asperger's....a lack of embarassment. The last teen I refered out for sexual issues was masturbating in semi-public areas, and would sometimes go up to strangers and touch their high-heeled shoes. He wasn't embarassed about it in the least.

There are some researchers who think that there may be a sort of ramped up sexual drive in some Asperger's patients, and other researchers who disagree with this, and think the behaviors are just seen due to the inattention to social cues.

In any case, what might concern me is your son "learning" that it's okay to nick panties or lingerie, and this could lead to other problems in other settings, like when he visits a friends house.

The counseling that typically takes place occurs with all members of the family (at least those old enough to understand), and targets reinforcing acceptable expressions of these desires.
In your son's case, it would be using his own knickers, and being dressed appropriate to the settings outside the home.
"Insight" therapies are completely avoided, as they haven't proven effective at all in ASD (e.g. "How does that make you feel?" "When did you first discover that you liked knickers?", etc), and in fact are often confusing to the patient/teen.

Again, good luck with your efforts, and I hope you will let us all know how things progress.

All the best,
Chris

[Nicki B]

it could just be a phase at 15.when i was that age both me and my twin brother raided my sisters knicker drawer.he ended up growing out of it completely

Um - how do you know??

[joannemarie barker]

Um - how do you know??

cos a few years later he said I looked ridiculous when he caught me wearing a dress