What Am I?

[TrekGirl1701]

It wasn't until very recently that I finally admitted to myself that I should have been born female. All this time I just believed it was a CDing thing and it didn't mean much other than my love of the clothes. But as I look around at women my age and how they're dressed and how they wear their hair and makeup I can't help but think "That could've been me!" And I guess this feeling has been around since my earliest memories, but I just didn't want to own up to it.

I see what young girls and teenage girls are wearing nowadays and I just can't help thinking "That SO would've been my style had I been a girl at that age." And now this wave of frustration sets in when I realize that I never had the chance to grow up as a female. I never had a choice in the matter. Even if I had brought up to my parents that I wanted to be a girl I sincerely doubt that they would've allowed it.

Can I change things now? I could. But it'd be asking a lot from my family who've known me for 27 years. Hell, it'd be a huge adjustment for me.

So where does that leave me? I don't want to be a CDer in the closet. I don't want to make the huge adjustment to living as a woman 24/7. Even if I did it'd feel too much like clinging to a fantasy that is leagues away from the reality that I've known for the 27 years of my life.

If anybody can decipher my ramblings, have you ever been in the same position? If so, how did you handle it?

[Jeanna]

My advice? Dress up and go out.That's what I do.

Jeanna

[DianneRoberts]

Hope that if per chance there is reincarnation, next time we both will be girls.

[Nicki B]

I don't think anyone should decide for you what you are - I think you need to explore and find out for yourself just where you are comfortable?

[TrekGirl1701]

Hope that if per chance there is reincarnation, next time we both will be girls.

Considering the way I'm feeling at the moment, that'll always be the only hope I have.

[Joni Marie Cruz]

Hi TG-

Well, for starters, your initials kind of nail it in a general way. To me TG is a blanket term for anyone with gender issues, however, definitions are all over the place. It's tough to have a serious discussion when no one can agree on what TG or CD or TS or any of a host of other terms that are in common usage on forums like this even mean.

But I have to tell you that I can very much relate to exactly what you are saying and your feelings about it. I am very much TG and self identify as a tgirl, a term some find derogatory or demeaning but I don't, I simply find it descriptive. I have wanted to be a girl as long as I can remember but covered it up and buried it down deep for years and years, for the vast majority of my life, in fact. Yet, at the same time, I don't hate, hate, hate being a man, so I'm not TS and have no plans ever for SRS or anything like that.

I'm out to my wife of over 25 years as well as our son and nearly all of my friends and have no fear of being outed by anyone at all, hence my making free with my pix online and so on. My wife does not, most emphatically does not want me to be 24/7 as she feels it would rob her of the last vestiges of the man she married, yet I can dress as often as I please and go out and so on when I want as long as I don't cross some undefined line. Having been married to her as long as I have, I have a pretty good idea of where the boundary is, so it's not a problem.

Hmm, I guess I may be just rambling and gassing on about myself. All I want to really say, TG, is that there are many, many others like you and me who have reached a compromise and accomodation in our lives with who we are inside and who we can be in the real world. What we wish for and what we can realistically achieve without damaging our relationships with those we love and care about and who love and care about us.

Good luck, girl. You are among friends here.

Hugs...Joni Mari

[meri]

TrekGirl,
There's no quick answer to your question, you are on a long journey and you will ultimately have to find your own answer. Most likely it will come from deep inside, not from any of us or from a book or a shrink or any external source.

That said, I have had similar feelings and they vary in intensity, sounds like your feelings are running very strong right now, but yours may also vary.

Here's my current thinking "about me" -- I love fantasy and science fiction. I love women, love their curves and shapes, clothing, and their gentleness. I have been an "escapist" for much of my life, escaping into science fiction, fantasy, general day dreaming, theater (I have been on stage many times). Thus, to me the role of "female" looks very inviting, feels very warm and comforting. Besides, I just love women (did I mention that).

With such a mix, crossdressing and even attempting "to be" a woman seems like a natural (or unnatural depending on how you see things) consequence.

Since I can never really become a woman, the urge remains as a "possible distant goal" which will make my life all better and warm and secure, etc. At least that's how the thought goes....

The urge remains, crossdressing remains interesting and compelling, the interest in being more female remains high on my list.

Then I wake up the next morning and think "what the H was that about???".

So, it's really complicated stuff and pretty hard to figure out, but that's where my thinking is "today". Tomorrow I may have a different idea.

My advice, accept yourself as starters, don't fight your own urges. Love yourself, then figure out what's behind all of this. I makes it a lot easier.

Hope this helps!

[Elishal]

Acceptance is certainly a start but it is worth your time to talk things over with a therapist. I know it is a huge leap but it is a fairly conservative approach to getting on the path to resolving your tg path.

[StaceyJane]

I know how you are feeling. Being TG can be the most confusing thing in one's life.

[trannie T]

Don't ask us what to do, that is something you have to decide for yourself. We can offer the benefit of our experience but each one of us is unique, transgender is not a 'one size fits all' situation. Ask yourself what you want and what you feel comfortable doing. Whatever you do, enjoy doing it.

[kalina]

So where does that leave me? I don't want to be a CDer in the closet. I don't want to make the huge adjustment to living as a woman 24/7. Even if I did it'd feel too much like clinging to a fantasy that is leagues away from the reality that I've known for the 27 years of my life.

If anybody can decipher my ramblings, have you ever been in the same position? If so, how did you handle it?

You can be what I am, an inbetweener. Perhaps you should speak to a doctor about your gender identity and have him or her run through a battery of tests to see if it would make sense for you to start HRT. If you like reading, check out my blog at http://www.transvamp.com/kalina/blog . I talk a lot about food, art, photography, androgyny, and trans stuff. You're young and can have it all if you plan things right.