the best of times, the worst of- you know

[Erica K.]

So my roommate & her boyfriend moved to New York to persue her career as a dresage horse trainer (yay for her!). We paid rent for August & the other roommate allready moved out, so I have a 3 bedroom house to myself all this month! They all knew about my dressing and were totally ok with it, the even nicknamed me 'diva' due to me being late to a lunch because I was getting ready. But now I can dress how ever I want at home with out being modest .

But the bad part is, I only got 2 weeks notice about her move, I knew I wasn't going to get much notice though. I don't have another place to go after august & I have no money saved. So I am moving in with my mom & aunt for a couple months to get on my feet. I haven't told her yet about me, and she is pretty nosy. She is going to wonder why I dont' ever wear shorts around her, and she will ask. Do I tell her (if she doesn't know allready) or do I make something up about my shaving? I'm leaning towards telling her, any advice on how to break the news?

[Gerard]

You can't just get new roommates?

I don't know your mom, so I can't really give advice there. I hardly ever wear shorts nor have in the past, so it would not be a big deal in my case.

[Joni Marie Cruz]

Hi Erica-

<lol> I know where you live, we used to call it that when I lived there, too. How's the valley, nice and hot?

Girl, as far as you telling your folks, that is so a judgement call and very personal, only you can decide what you want to do. If you're only going to live there for a relatively short time, then maybe getting back in the closet is the way to go. Certainly it's not much fun if you're used to being out.

One thing to consider, of course, is not just your feelings but hers as well. How it will make her feel is very important since it will affect your relationship from then on, maybe in a good way, maybe neutral, maybe not so good at all. I'm a fan of disclosure but not if it will hurt someone. And of course, you might consider that once you tell one family member you have no guarantee that other family members won't find out as well. Some things are too good to keep under your hat, you know.

I bet this didn't really help at all. Here. Here's an idea...toss a coin. Heads you hide, tails you tell. No, no, I don't mean you should base such an important decision on a coin toss, just see how you feel about it. Does tails make you feel good, breathe a sigh of relief? Does it scare the crap out of you, do you feel like you really don't want to and wish that it had come up heads? Then use those feelings to help you make up your mind.

If you do decide to tell, which you said you're leaning towards, then be ready for all sorts of questions, very personal ones, and be ready to be totally honest. Some of them will probably be, "Are you gay? Do you want to have sex with men? How long have you felt this way? What's wrong with you? Did I do something wrong when I was raising you? Do you want to have surgery and become a woman? What if you get married, what will you tell your wife? Will I have grandchildren? What if they find out in church or the neighbors see you? What can I tell the rest of the family?" and so on and so on, you know moms. Or...she may be totally cool and accepting. One thing for sure is she will still love you, moms are like that.

Good luck, Erica. I hope things work out for you, you have my best wishes.

Hugs...Joni Mari

[Nicole Erin]

Just go ahead and wear shorts and more-less be yourself.
They will ask questions. When they do, just be honest.

[Erica K.]

The land lord is not good, thy just fixed the ac a couple weeks ago. A well insulated house in the summer is killer!

I don't know, maybe i wasn't looking for an answer from anyone here, maybe I just wanted to write out my thoughts & see how I felt about it. I thought maybe some of you had a little tip to help break the ice. I know none of you know her & this isn't the type of thing that canned advice can solve. She is the hardest person to tell for some reason. The reason I haven't told her at this point is I don't want to hurt her. But I feel like she doesn't know me, I have to bite my lip on things i do & how I spent my weekend, I almost slipped up a few times this past month. I guess I'm really asking for you girls to wish me luck on this. Argh! Why does this have to be so difficult?!

[Joni Marie Cruz]

Argh! Why does this have to be so difficult?!

Well, duh. Because it effin well is, girl. You do have my best wishes, Erica, coming out to friends is kind of easy, well, comparatively speaking. Coming out to your family is the hardest thing in the world. Good luck.

Hugs...Joni Mari

[mklinden2010]

>>So I am moving in with my mom & aunt for a couple months to get on my feet. I haven't told her yet about me, and she is pretty nosy. She is going to wonder why I dont' ever wear shorts around her, and she will ask. Do I tell her (if she doesn't know allready) or do I make something up about my shaving? I'm leaning towards telling her, any advice on how to break the news?


You don't mention your age, or, your mother's, but if you're doing all this already, you should probably just level with her and tell her what's up. You're her child, in the long run she'd rather know than not.

And, she may need to know - for real - if you and your hidden activities come to light in a car wreck, a misplaced box in the closet, a beating, a firing, an odd phone call from a friend at the bar, or, just funny looks from old friends at church who hear about you from other sources.

Parents are somewhat used to kids being kids - but that doesn't mean they like BIG surprises. By comparison, what you tell her in advance of a "BIG" surprise ranks as a "little" surprise, all things considered.

Be prepared to point out that this was your adaptation; your way of handling your feelings and choices. And, that you may change you mind about some things, but that you felt it was important to tell her, your mother, about this because what's part of your life is part of her life too.

By the way, have you thought of just asking her to loan you some money to get you through the next few months? Think about it. If you ask, and she says, "Sure!" then you can skate the issue if you want. Then again, if she says, "What? No! Why don't you just move in here?" You then can say, "Really? Here? With you guys?" When she says, "Of course, you're my child! Why not?"

Well, by gosh, then you can tell her what you think the problem might be... Which, if you think about, couldn't be that big a problem because, after all, she wears womens clothes too.

[tricia_uktv]

Think about it hard (you are). Tell them. Then get on with your life. Good luck.

[Fab Karen]

Not all people are church-goers, including the older generation where it's more common.

If you decide not to be open, at least be open that you prefer shaving. All you have to say is, "it's a matter of comfort."

[Erica K.]

ok, so I set the deadline to tell my mother. Any time from now & sept 15th. If I don't tell before the 15th, I will tell her on that day regardless of how nervous I am. Coming out to one of my guy friends that I thought would not be ok with it gave me a bit more courage. I have his support 100%.

[Fab Karen]

Be prepared to answer a slew of questions. A mother wants her child to be "normal" ( a silly concept )- but at the core really what she wants is her child's happiness in life.
Wishing you luck.

[Rachel M]

"i just want the thank the two of you for allowing me to stay with you temporarily. I know it can be awkward with a guy living in your girly world, so if it makes you more comfortable I am willing to dress as a girl..."
Rachel

[urmilaaa2008]

Hi Erica
i agree with what Joni Marie says in the beginning of her letter. That really is a very sound sugestion. But i dont agree about tossing the coin,