I was just wondering why?, Why some of us and not only T/G and CD's but people in general have issues with who we are? I think a lot of it has to do with our up bringing and what we were taught as a child. i was brought up in a home that was pretty much religious. Southern Baptist in fact, i no longer follow the Baptist for various reasons. However, how i was raised for 18+ years till i got out of my parents home was ingrained with in me. It is difficult to shake 18 years of teachings.

i think in America sex was labeled taboo from the start and all that falls under that umbrella. As well as a lot of other things such as being T/G CDing and a host of other things. As a child i was taught the wrongs but never the rights, my parents were too busy it seems to notice me and my sibs. They love us i am sure but they don't know who we are or even what we are. A mistake was quickly pointed out but a success was always over looked. No praises, no good job i am proud of you or any thing like that. But, let me do some thing considered wrong and the lashings come with a vengeance. Once my dad spanked us at church because he had told us not to leave the building. My brothers left i did not. I got spanked any ways. After i told my dad i did not leave what was his response, I'm sorry, Are you kidding no he said well that's was for what your going to do! thats it no i am sorry no apology.


I wonder what it is about me that seems to drive the opposing sex to run for cover? I have not had a good relationship ever with a woman.. Yes I've been in love and i love that feeling but they never last. People tell me life is what you make it. i don't believe it's that simple. what about those of us who suffer from a low self worth, or low self esteem, or other difficulties. or depression as i often fall into that pit. coupled with my sense of loathing that's a dangerous mix.

i often say i don't want a relationship , however, it would be so nice to hear some one tell me they love me and want me and maybe even need me. even in the chat rooms i frequent i am ignored i just wonder why? is it true that GG's only want the bad boys? if so i am indeed doomed to a life of solitary. i am not a "bad" boy never have been and can't see it in what ever future i may have left. i am more connected to my feelings and my thoughts than my physical traits. It is true i do not like my body and feel uncomfortable in it but still i need to connect with some one. As much as i hate it every one wants and needs that sense of belonging and that assurance that they are loved. And i also have the fact that i am T/G or what ever i might be to deal with. some times i feel comfortable with my self other times like now i don't. i often find myself in the grips of depression and some say "snap out of it" well if only i could i surly would.

so why do some of us have issues with who we are while others don't? i would like that key to being comfortable with who and what i am. We are some times made to feel shame for all sorts of things, being gay or T/G or any other thing, Why? why can we not accept who others are and not concern ourselves in their business? why do some of us (people) feel we have the upper hand on life and have it all wrapped up in a neat little package? Why are some dealt better hands than others? is life really what you make it? or is there some key ingredient i and others are missing? i try to believe in myself however it does get difficult at times. some times i simply want to find a rock to crawl under and say F$%# the whole thing. I'd be intrested in any ones thoughts on this.