my toddler son dresses too!

[barbara gordon]

I have painfully and shamefully hidden my dressing from my wife of more than ten years . Now my two year old son has been wearing his older sisters dresses , panties etc. extra possessive of barbie and other "g-girl " toys . This is constant and he gets very upset if he is prevented from dressing . and on and on ... My wife allows/ encourages him . She suggests that it is just a normal phase that he will grow out of . I think that it is just a phase that he will possibly turn into his deepest dark secret .

This is very frustrating to me because I dont want him to go through the 40 years of hiding that I have gone through . My wife tells me that I dont understand (ha- ha). I dont want to stop him , or prevent him from who he is , as I DO UNDERSTAND . But now I am faced with the greatest puzzle of my life . Do I finally tell her ?
If I do will it damage my relationship with my wife ? And how can that affect my son and daughter ?
Times are different now with crossdressing/gender issues . I do think that there are more opportunities and acceptance with younger boys who go through this but I still dont know what to think ...

[emmlouise]

Perhaps you could first of all ask her what her reaction would be if your son continues to like dressing. It could give you a hint on your best move. It is certainly a tricky situation, I think you will just have to follow your instincts and hope for the best. Not much help, but you know your wife and she thinks she knows you. Fingers crossed.

[Christinedreamer]

Sadly it may also be that if you tell her about YOUR dressing that she MAY assume you had something to do with your son's dressing. That could get ugly.

I would go very slowly and carefully here.

[Midnight Skye]

Hi Barbara,

First from what I've read in various places children don't "grow out of" things like that. Instead typically what happens is the pressure's of society force them into different more accepting modes. At the same time it is VERY hard to identify what exactly has triggered your son's behavior and if it will truely stay his desire in the future.

Here is what I would do. I would find some very good reading on crossdressing (especially in relation to child crossdressers). I'm talking informational stuff. You read it, then point your wife to the same articles. Get her reading information on it so she can better handle what's going on with her son. What you need to present to her in particular, is your son may or may not stop the dressing.

I would say you have lots to look into and cover. I would wait to tell your wife, but get her informed first, and see how she does with that information. You should eventually come out to her though. Otherwise you may face the rougher reality of getting found out and the emotions which go with that (which can be considerably rougher).

[Stephanie Miller]

KatlynAshe hit the nail right on the head. Same thing I was thinking as I read your post. This is a perfect opportunity to get your wife informed about what and who is a CD. Then AFTER she is fully informed you should tell her. Since it is your son that she will be thinking of while digesting all the CD information she more than likely will be processing how to accept and work with ( a mothers love). If it was you she was trying to inform herself about, she would more than likely process how to "deal with it" (has more of a negative tone I think). Kind of sad that you have to ride on the shirttails of your sons "predicament" but if the shoe fits... ( or heels ).
As they say "an acorn doesn't fall far from the tree".

[Vicky_Scot]

Get a grip.Your son is only 2 years old. He is exploring and discovering things around him.

Your wife seems the sensible one. She suggests that it is just a normal phase that he will grow out of. Listen to her as she speaks sense.

If when he gets older (10,11,12) and is still dressing in his sisters panties and dresses then you may have to address the subject.

But as I say he is only 2 so calm down. Don't try and use a natural development in your sons life to unveil your secret to your wife.

Xx Vicky xX

[barbara gordon]

thanks to all .
My own mother reflected that I used to do it too...when I was really small and it eventually went away ... !?! ...and that is what she still thinks .
But I am not sure if my parents coached me out of it . I remember starting to willfully experiment in dressing at about 10 0r 11 years old .

[sandra-leigh]

As your son grows, you will have various chats about diversity. In various ones of those, you can say trans-positive things, and make it clear that you would love him even if he dressed up. Whether or not you stay in hiding, you can work to build an environment in which he would not feel that he would have to hide.

[Veronica Nowakowski]

I think being direct here would be a good idea. I think your wife will be willing to accept if you talk to her about it calmly and ease her into it. In the end, I think it will help both you and your son out.

[TxCassie]

I don't have a child nor am I married, (gay here). But, I do think any small boy who instinctively dresses in fem clothes, as innocent as it may be, is showing a sign of things to come.

As he grows older, he will learn what will be socialably acceptable and expected of him. Yes, that's ashame because like most of us, that's when "they grow out of it". But we know, he won't. "She will be there, resting, learning, and growing.'

That's where mom and dad influnce plays into the picture. Dad is a Tgal as well, so as a Dad, he has a unique opportunity to nuture and love his son as not many Dads have done.

I say, watch, love, teach openness and acceptance of all in a positive nature. I say, get to know him well and let him know you hold no prejudices. Even if he grows up to be the biggest jock, military, or butch type of guy, because we all know, the butchest guys can be the most beautiful women, given the right support. Keep the walls down if you can as he grows up. I like the approach the others suggest to bring the topic to your wife.

A very fine line and delicate situation indeed, but honey, aren't we ones for fine lines and delicate situations ourselves.

Good Luck Barbara

Cassie]

[Kolokea GG]

I have a son and I get very defensive when it comes to him..Remember..they are mama's boys...I would just let the issue go with your son for now..My son had spell with it..with my clothes, but has since grown outta it. He is very much my little man..hence why me and my SO have decided not to rock the boat for him. Decided that daddy's cding is nothing he needs to know or worry about..all he needs to do is enjoy his childhood. That being said....I would tell your wife, but leave your son out of the equation totally.... things depend on how accepting your wife is....test the waters....talk about an article about cding....

[cd_jamie]

if the behavior continues seek help from a gender therapist. your son may be transgendered. I am not qualified to diagnos that. my oldest son is waiting for his hormone letter. he did similar when he was little.best of luck to you sis

[kellycan27]

I think being direct here would be a good idea. I think your wife will be willing to accept if you talk to her about it calmly and ease her into it. In the end, I think it will help both you and your son out.

Don't know it that's a good idea. I "think" that giving that kind of advice is rather reckless of you. The OP should have been honest with his wife a long time ago...true, but to suggest he just blurt it out now? You have no clue as to the OP or his wife and what her reaction might be. Kind of like saying..
Give me a match,I "think" the gas tanks empty. In other words.. the whole thing might just blow up in his face.

Just for the record: I believe that honesty IS the best policy. Kind of sad that people get themselves into situations such as this, and i wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I am not condemning the OP, or anyone else that finds themselves in similar circumstances.. a little late to be crying over spilt milk. My sympathies don't necessarily lie with you as much as it does the innocents involved. I have no idea how one would reslove this type issue, and I am glad that I don't find myself in your shoes. God bless and good luck to you.

[Jessinthesprings]

It does seem a bit paculiar that he dresses, but I don't think it's any cause for alarm at this point. Like your wife says it's more than likely a phase that he will grow out of. You have to understand that at 2 his rolemodles are mom and dad, but his sisters too. I think he's just trying to find himself and the only way he knows how to act like a kid is to act like the other children of the house.

In the event that it is not a phase... I stongly urge you to accept him and allow him to be who he is. I truly feel that I would not have nearly as many issues with being who I am if my parents had accepted/encouraged my expressions. If you are not battleing with your own acceptance it makes taking on the world all that much easier.

In short I suggest you take it as it comes, but never make him feel that expressing himself is wrong. If he is transgendered you, I and the rest of us know we can't just make up our minds and not be transgendered. It's something that we will live with until death.

[Lauren Richards]

Could it be that he is just following in the footsteps of his older sibling, who happens to be a girl. Kids do that. He's two years old, and this may have more to do with the types of toys and clothing she plays with than any gender issues. Do you get down on the floor and play with trucks and build things with blocks and who knows how many other things which are more "male oriented"? He's two, so perhaps it would be good to cut his some slack. Your wife may be right, but it would be good to discuss with her that it is not always the case that kids "grow out" of liking to wear female clothing. I would focus on your children and wife for now, and leave yourself out of it. Plenty of time for that conversation, which I see as a totally different conversation, later.

[obsessedwithpantyhose]

let him dress,,,hes NOT likely to grow out of it...

tell wife you do understand,,,

[AmandaM]

Try some dad-son stuff. See where it goes. Maybe he's spending too much time around fem stuff. Naturally, he may be curious cause of it. So, see if he gravitates to masculinity with your example. If not, at least you tried.

[Plasibeau]

Hi Barbara,

First from what I've read in various places children don't "grow out of" things like that. Instead typically what happens is the pressure's of society force them into different more accepting modes. At the same time it is VERY hard to identify what exactly has triggered your son's behavior and if it will truely stay his desire in the future.

Here is what I would do. I would find some very good reading on crossdressing (especially in relation to child crossdressers). I'm talking informational stuff. You read it, then point your wife to the same articles. Get her reading information on it so she can better handle what's going on with her son. What you need to present to her in particular, is your son may or may not stop the dressing.

I would say you have lots to look into and cover. I would wait to tell your wife, but get her informed first, and see how she does with that information. You should eventually come out to her though. Otherwise you may face the rougher reality of getting found out and the emotions which go with that (which can be considerably rougher).

What she said.

And try to remember the reason why you went deep into hiding in the first place. For me it was the anger and rejection from my father when I was five. Imagine the difference it would make. A child can weather any storm so long as the child knows his/her parents have thier back 100%.

[heatherdress]

Hi Barbara - You raise two distinctly different issues.
First, your own. You need to either maintain your secret without risking your relationship and family bonds or take a chance and confide in your wife to see how she feels. That is a significant challenge and decision.
Your two year old's dressing preference should be unrelated. I guess I do not understand how a two year old picks out his own clothes and dresses himself in the first place. Is your wife dressing him in dresses and "encouraging him"? If so, that seems weird. My children were both dressed by their parents at that age and did not seem to have a problem with the clothes that were picked out for them. When I dressed them, I picked out something clean and put it on them. If it is routine for him at two to select his clothes and set up his wardobe, you would seem to have a gifted child. If you are concerned about his behavior in any way, you need to speak to his pediatrician for assurances and understanding.
You are unfortunately the one with a problem. It would be very wrong to project your problem on him or use him to help solve your situation.

[Joanne f]

Hello Barbara,

the main thing is what do you thing you should do, and if i am guessing right from you last part of your post then you would like to use this as an opportunity to tell your wife what it is like to be the way you are and have to keep it a secret from everyone , in which case your wife will hopefully understand your fears and in turn understand what you are going though and the fact that you would not want your son to have to go through the same thing as you have .

[Nicole Erin]

at 2 years old, it is too early to really tell anything yet.

[Charla McBee]

I'll admit for the first time that I wanted to copy my older sisters a bit when I was two or three, at least as far as having a baby doll that I never did anything with, I just thought they had one so should I. Later they made me dress up in some of their older clothes over my own and though my parents stopped it quickly because I didn't want that at all... well, here I am. Many studies claim that your childhood seems to have a huge effect on your adult life.

For now, I would just see how this appears to develop since your son isn't being forced into anything.

[Sandra]

Most kids at that age are just dressing up playing at it, ok with some it does carry on into later life. I would listen to your wife for now and just see how it progresses.


As for you, well if you'd come clean in ther begining then you wouldn't have this problem as to whether to tell your wife or not. This has been said before a lot here, it's not the cding that causes the problems but the lying and deciet that goes with it. How do you think she would cope knowing that you've kept this from her.

The choice is yours but TBH the longer you leave it's going to get harder to tell her.

[Di]

Most kids at that age are just dressing up playing at it, ok with some it does carry on into later life. I would listen to your wife for now and just see how it progresses.

Exactly most kids in fact...it may or not stop all three of mine it was just a stage of experiment and playing at dressing up


As for you, well if you'd come clean in ther begining then you wouldn't have this problem as to whether to tell your wife or not. This has been said before a lot here, it's not the cding that causes the problems but the lying and deciet that goes with it. How do you think she would cope knowing that you've kept this from her.

The choice is yours but TBH the longer you leave it's going to get harder to tell her.

Ditto !!!!
And if you decide to tell her what you should have along time ago....sigh start it out explaining that you were scared of losing her thats why the lies...have info ready so she understands and there is a good thread in the loved ones section ( a sticky that might help.) Plus this thread called how to tell your partner


How to tell your partner

[Cheshire Gummi]

Get a grip.Your son is only 2 years old. He is exploring and discovering things around him.

Your wife seems the sensible one. She suggests that it is just a normal phase that he will grow out of. Listen to her as she speaks sense.

If when he gets older (10,11,12) and is still dressing in his sisters panties and dresses then you may have to address the subject.

But as I say he is only 2 so calm down. Don't try and use a natural development in your sons life to unveil your secret to your wife.

Xx Vicky xX

Blessed be the lady who says what I was thinking.

I remember being told stories of jamming a handful of fertilizer into my mouth when I was 2. It didn't mean I was destined to eat fertilizer for the rest of my life; I just wanted to learn.

Let the little guy be and don't assign him a lifestyle. Don't treat him differently at all. When he gets older and starts having a hissy fit because his mother won't let him go to school in his sisters pretty pink dress, you might want to talk with him a bit. Until then, let him be.