Should I help or keep out of it?

[guynheels]

Last Friday evening our next door neighbor came over to see my wife. She is late 30's and has two children, a daughter that is 17 and a son that just turned 15 a few months ago. They moved in next door to us around two years ago and she and my wife have become very good friends during that time. She is divorced and has been raising her children on her own for almost 12 years now. I knew something had to be up when she came to the door because you could tell that she had been crying and her makeup was a mess. She asked if she could talk to my wife alone and I excused myself and went out to my shop so they could talk.

About an hour later my wife came out and told me what was going on. This past summer my neighbor had noticed a change in her son's habits. He was not going anywhere with his friends and spent most of the day around the house instead. She became suspicious and did some snooping around looking for drugs and such thinking maybe he might be experimenting with drug use. She found nothing and then talked to her daughter to see if she knew anything. Her daughter told her that she didn't know anything so that left her to continue looking for answers.

On Friday she decided to come home early from work and walked in to find her son, daughter, and one of her daughter's friends from school in the living room. Her son was dressed up in girls clothes and wearing makeup, a wig, and jewelry. From what she told my wife he told her that he has been dressing in his sisters clothes pretty much all along and was caught a few years back by her. It also appears his sister has been helping him along with the help of one of her friends and this has gone on all summer. Needless to say she is a mess! Of course she is convinced that he is gay, "the usual first thought"!

My wife talked to her and tried to help the best she could but did not tell her about me. Later that evening she asked me what I thought about talking to her and telling her about my other self and see if explaining that could possibly help her cope with her problems. I have thought about it but have not said yes or no. I don't know if it would help or make matters worse by causing another shock. I feel sorry for him and I know what he is going through right now and I also know his mother is probably making things worse. Should I ask her over and talk to her or would you stay out of it if you were me? I have no problem talking about it but I don't want to make things worse by speaking up.

[Annaliese]

You are the only one that can help.
Yes do it.

[Scotty]

Talk to HIM and let him work it out - if he knows about you his confidence may go higher - right now as young as he is that's a VERY vulnerable "Oh no I got caught" embarrassing time of life....

Try that first....

[trannie T]

If you have no problem with outing yourself to her go ahead and talk with her. You may help her accept her son's behavior.
Stay away from the kid however, I see all kinds of potential problems in helping a child become a crossdresser. If he needs help refer them to a licensed, qualified counselor.

[sissystephanie]

What a situation to be thrown into! From what you said, I must assume that your wife not only knows about you, but also supports you? If this is so, I would offer to talk to the lady. Not to tell her you are a CD at first, but just to talk about boys wearing girls clothes. Let her know that it is a natural thing that many boys do at younger ages, and does not mean that he is gay at all. Tell her you have read things about it online, and maybe direct her to some. If you feel real comfortable doing it, then let her know that you are a CD yourself and definitely not "gay." You might want to have your wife there when you tell her that! Hope this helps!

[Brina Halloween]

I suspect your wife can do the most and judge the best what "your" effect would be. If the neighbor isn't closed minded, I suspect your wife could open the door for you to have a constructive talk. Let your wife judge if you should be "out".

[5150 Girl]

You said it yourself, her imagination is making things worse than they are. Talk to her. then ask her if she would like you to speak with Jr.

[Shari]

I think that if she is receptive to it, you should have a talk with her. Maybe refer her to a few places she can educate herself about her son. She'll find out that it's not nearly as bad as she thinks.

As far as outing yourself, I think you're right, in that it would just further shock her already bruised mind.

Leave that one alone until another time.

[Bethany38]

[SIZE=4]I would say that you could be of great help in this matter. So if it were me I would feel it was my duty to try and help out. It may cause problems or it may not, either way you are in a position to do some good here. I would start out by telling the neighbor about you. See how she handles that. It may help her to better understand her son if she had son one to talk to that had a lot of knowledge on the subject, or at least more than she has.[/SIZE]

[mklinden2010]

I suggest your wife gently suggest to her friend that it's not all that bad - you, her husband, for example, is "one of those guys who..." And, you stand behind her when she does!

Thing is, the kid may be going someplace different from you, or, he may not. No need to get into this as if everybody was the same. Do, however, open up the idea that there's all kinds of behaviors and all kinds of outcomes - lots of them good!

Mom is going to be feeling fear, grief, and guilt over this. Fear of what may happen to her son, grief over him turning out very different than she expected, guilt because "it might" be her fault.

Nah. Life happens to each of us differently and you can't change the past. Sort out the present, reset the future, and save some hope for tomorrow.

Life goes on.

[Kathi Lake]

Since she asked for you to be excused the first time, I would definitely let your wife take the lead on this one as the trust is not there from your neighbor. Give your wife permission to "out" you if the opportunity presents and if it seems appropriate. This is a case of "feminine intuition" where your wife will know if and when to bring up your situation.

Kathi

[KandisTX]

First, you need to find out how receptive this woman would be to finding out about you. If she would be okay with it, you might approach her and discuss it with her first, and offer to talk to the son as a sort of mentor for him. Regardless of all else, you MUST assure the mother that it is NOT her fault.

Kandis

[Ras]

I would be very careful as the son is only 15. you don't want to be put into a compromised situation. I would talk to the neighbor lady first and see is you can shed some light on it without exposing yourself unless you feel she could handle that information and it would be beneficial to the situation.

She may be open to her son talking to you as a support person in addition to his sister. Keep us posted.

[trannie T]

It is acceptable for a man to teach a boy how to work on a car. It is acceptable for a man teach a boy how to catch a fish. Helping a juvenile become a crossdresser would not be accepted by most of society. In an earlier post I suggested that if necessary the youth should see a qualified, licensed therapist. For an unqualified crossdressing neighbor become involved with the youth could lead to disaster.

[deja true]

Hmmm! Don't think I'd out myself to the mom or the son at this point. Despite your attempt to convince her that her son is prolly not gay, she may know so little about CDing that you won't be able to convince her. And if you out yourself, she'll think you are too. And that will bring up a lot more worries for her about her "weird" neighbor, whether you were friends in the past or not!

If she wants to, I think it better if your wife handles the conversation, startng with something like "Well, actually I have a very good friend who is a closeted cross-dresser and...". That could explain her knowledge of the behaviour and why she would have so much information so easily at hand.

How about if, as a way to help her friend, they do some internet research on the subject of transgender life together? That way, they could "discover" together some of the best information available on line and avoid some of the more scary or salacious stuff that will undoubtedly come up if the mom did a search herself. (The University of Michigan site might be a good place to start. It shows successful trans people in a very good light.)

How about they go to the nearest Borders or Barnes and Noble bookstore looking for more information and "happen upon" a few of the very insightful books that are generally available, like My Husband Betty or others....

I think it might be good to get the helpful sister involved as well. Maybe her accepting and supportive nature, and her input about her generation's more non-judgemental acceptance of trans behaviour might be able to influence the mom, too. Your wife and the sister together could sorta "tag team" the mom and offer a lot of support between them.

If the boy were over 18, I might advise getting involved sooner, but at that younger age, I'd hang back and let your supportive wife be the front person, if she has the wish to help.

Good luck with this thorny problem, guy!

Hope the mom calms enough to listen to, and begin to accept, some ideas that are obviously gonna be very new to her life.

[cd_jamie]

why is it the first thing everyone wants to think is a mtf cd is gay? let your wife do the talking to the woman. make sure if you talk to the kid there is someone else with you. this is for your protection. getting involved in this situation is something I would stay away from.

[sterling12]

Yes, your wife is her friend. At this stage she probably doesn't want advise, she probably just wants to "vent" to her best bud.

No one else has mentioned it, but if you tell her you crossdress; her "second thought" might be that: "The next door neighbor taught my kid to be a crossdresser....he's (meaning Y-O-U) responsible!" I think she might just find the coincidence too hard to ignore.

I would leave it alone! let your wife make all the "supportive noises." She will know the appropriate time to recommend a COMPETENT Psychologist.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[docrobbysherry]

Not only could u end up screwing up the kid, u COULD end up in JAIL! What if he IS GAY?

He's UNDERAGE! And you're a MAN! "Dirty pediphile"! I can hear them now!

Your wife should talk to the boy alone. THEN, talk to the mom. Who TRUSTS HER already!

If your wife's NOT up to it, call social services, or find a good gender counselor for them!

[Jennifer N J]

No one else has mentioned it, but if you tell her you crossdress; her "second thought" might be that: "The next door neighbor taught my kid to be a crossdresser....he's (meaning Y-O-U) responsible!" I think she might just find the coincidence too hard to ignore.

I would leave it alone! let your wife make all the "supportive noises." She will know the appropriate time to recommend a COMPETENT Psychologist.

Peace and Love, Joanie[/quote]


I agree with Joanie on this one. She is your wife's friend, and your wife probably has enough understanding to help her friend the most.

[Angelofsomekind]

I would say first thing would be to tell the wife that you two know of a CD, and if she would like she can talk to her and get some awnsers. If she says no, leave it at that. You can also offer to let her get to know this other cd (you) first, so she can see that we are totally 'normal'. If she is ok with you talking to the son, I would say have the mom there when you do talk to the son. That way she knows exactly what's going on to. Maybe talk to her about what you think you should tell the son, and what she wants to know from him. Find out if the son wants to talk about it to, he might feel really really weird about talking to you about it.

[mklinden2010]

>>why is it the first thing everyone wants to think is a mtf cd is gay?


"If it looks like a duck..."

Women dress in particular attire (womens' clothes), in part, because they feel the need to look attractive to attract men... away from other women, if need be, and to themselves. Or, for themselves... No doubt, it depends on what their agenda is that day.. Or, night. Or, just in life...

Seeing a man presenting as a woman, barring something like Halloween going on, the easiest and nearest explanation is:

"Here's a man presenting as (pretending to be) a woman - to attract men!"

Maybe... But, back the duck up. Maybe he's presenting as a woman for other reasons that women wear particular clothing - such as they like the clothing, the colors, the feel, the illusion, the role playing, the fun...

Lighten up.

Sex happens, but it doesn't have to be the only reason in the world for everything...

Why do ducks fly south for the winter?

They get car sick if they drive.

[ChrisP]

A couple of things strike me already about this situation.

First of all, the mother is so upset she is not worried too much about discretion or privacy, as evidenced by her willingness to discuss it with her neighbor.
Granted your wife is her friend, but clearly she is distraught enough that she has thrown caution to the wind.

This tells you something about her state of mind.

Two, the boy and his sister have been pretty creative in keeping this clandestine, at least up until now. And from your description, he's taken it pretty far for a teen (and I'm not saying that's a bad thing).
Clearly he and his sister have some internal (and shared) resources on this.

I would not under any circumstances tell her (at least for now) about your crossdressing.
She will automatically assume that you've been the one to "convert" her son to this interest, and she might even pressure him to say that you have done so (under threat of public embarrassment).

If you feel like you must intervene, I would tell her about a cousin who had the same issues, and how well he's done, how it doesn't indicate that he's gay (and remember we don't know if this kid is gay or straight), that it's just one expression of the sprectrum of gender, etc.
You might even let her know about the support services that are out there for transgender kids...but I wouldn't appear too knowledgable or she will get suspicious.

This is one time when keeping a bit of distance might be best for all parties concerned, at least until you see how the fallout from this acrues. Your neighbor may well come to accept this aspect of her son, and perhaps it will be a stepping stone to a better relationship for all of them in her family.

But (and it's a big butt), we live in a culture that is hypervigilant about child sexual abuse, and it will seem like a big coincidence to an awful lot of people with very narrow minds.
It doesn't sound like her children are suffering any physical or emotional violence, and this will probably work itself out like so many home issues eventually do.

If she kicks her son out of the home (and of course we all pray that won't happen), then perhaps you can provide some resources, especially to the boy, that might be a lifeline.

There's a lot of drama here. Don't get sucked in.

Chris

[BLUE ORCHID]

[QUOTE=docrobbysherry;1839414]Not only could u end up screwing up the kid, u COULD end up in JAIL! What if he IS GAY?

He's UNDERAGE! And you're a MAN! "Dirty pediphile"! I can hear them now!

Your wife should talk to the boy alone. THEN, talk to the mom. Who TRUSTS HER already!

If your wife's NOT up to it, call social services, or find a good gender counselor for them![/QUOT

As Doc said Danger I wouldn't touch this with a 10' pole
It will come back to bite you in the a$$.
.................................................. .....thanka........ORCHID

[Holly]

Since the neighbor initiated the contact with your wife (and asked you to leave), I would think the next contact would be up to your wife. Kudos to her, by the way, for coming to you prior to telling your neighbor about your CDing. At this point, what you need to decide is what (if anything) you feel comfortable disclosing to your neighbor. If you decide to move forward, then I would suggest that you AND you wife meet with her together, although I would do do only after your wife is able to get an understanding of your neighbors comfort level. As far as being a reference to the young man in question, I would say that decision is one that should be put off until such time as the mother's level of comfort has been determined. If you do decide to move forward, you may find it helpful to have some information available and any references to local assistance in your area that would benefit the mom and the boy. Best wishes in whatever you decide.

[TSchapes]

I would not go outing yourself right away. The mother may see you as the problem and not the solution. I like what Deja said, it's a practical solution.

As far as the child's orientation goes, we all know that is an unknown. You can't go assuming he's a gay, straight or bi. That should not be the issue.

Let your wife take the lead and stay away from the son. That's my take.

Love, Tracy