Trying to find myself (seeking advice)

[Aidana]

Hello, I don't know if this is the correct forum to post this so please bear with me if it's misplaced.

I'm 24, the first crossdressing experience I remember was when I was about 8, I tried my mom's Wilma Flintstone costume and improvised makeup. Since then I've gone through stages where I've used my mom's clothes, there was a two year period where every friday my parents would be out of the house all day so I would raid her closet and just watch tv or do homework while dressed. As I have no sisters, I was really excited when a cousin lived with us for a year as I could use all her clothes when she was not around, I was around 14 at the time. Up until around 3 years ago I pretended I was a girl on some chatrooms and while playing World of Warcraft.

The first person I ever told about my crossdressing was a female friend, let's call her B, in highschool, she accepted it but didn't encourage it. She helped me dress up one day at my request, she even did a little makeup on me. I've always wanted to pretend I was a girl with a GG and talk about clothes, men and female topics but I felt ashamed to do it with her even though I was dressed. I have told more people since, close friends, they all had similar reactions where they would not freak out, but not encourage it.

B asked me if I wanted to dress up as a nurse for a halloween, she would dress up as a nurse too as would a mutual male friend of ours which as far as I know has no interest in crossdressing. It was a great experience and I felt at peace with myself, something I didn't feel much at that time.

I came out to first girlfriend, I was about 18 at the time, she didn't understand and we broke up a few months after. I've never had many problems with my crossdressing until I came out to my last girlfriend a day before she left to study abroad in Argentina for a semester, she had told me about her trichotillomania (impulse control disorder, she pulls her hair off) a day before and felt I could share my crossdressing with her.
We have talked since (she has been gone for a month), I joined this forum because of her strong, visceral and unaccepting initial reaction to my crossdressing. We have talked, she has read some resources and now that she understands it a bit more she is more accepting of the fact that I like to dress up. She suggested that I go to a therapist and I thought it was a great idea, find myself while she's gone, I can't ask her to accept me if I am not sure of who she would be accepting. I need to find myself first.

B gave me the first panties I ever owned as a gift, and I've owned a few and purged a few times as well, I have never owned anything more than panties. Two weeks ago I bought my first ones by myself, I bought 3: thong, bikini and boyshorts. It was in Target and to be honest, I got a bigger rush of emotion buying them than getting to my place and trying them on and even though I now live in my own place where I'm alone most of the time I haven't worn them as much as I thought.



Thanks for reading through all of it. Any comment is greatly appreciated. Any questions I will answer.

[carrie-ann]

I agree that going to a store buying your own clothing is great I love it. As I am fulol time cd I do it a lot. I'm bi and married so confusion I dont know lol. Counseling its never bad but I have been told all my life I'm differant so be I'm me. I found a women and have a boyfreind that acepts and supports me fully.

[Shari]

Hi Aidana and welcome to the forum.
You've tossed out so much for one post that it's hard to answer in much depth.
Everything you've written about has been discussed at one time or another on this forum. You're not alone and you'll find a lot of support here. Many here share exactly the things you are bringing forth.
I think too, that you'll come to find that one day you'll accept yourself and not think it that odd or strange.
We're born this way and there's no changing it.
Take it slowly and enjoy.

[Mandyflcd]

That is one of the key things to understand... you are not alone. Cross-dressing is a lot more common than most people realize or will even admit. I happen to believe it is part of human nature. You're not different in a weird way... you are unique in a good way.

Welcome to the forums.

[cassandra2601]

I agree with Mandy - CDing is much more common that anyone imagines - you are not alone and this forum will help you along the journey.....

[Sarah Doepner]

I think you came to the right place. Find a comfortable place to sit and go back through the older posts and I think you will discover answers to questions you haven't come up with yet. You will also find a lot of kindred spirits here who understand what you are living with and know it's something that you can enjoy or even celebrate and share.

[docrobbysherry]

Aidana, u hopefully will have another 60 or 70 years to explore your CDing.

However, now is the time to find your place in the world!
What u will do with your life.
A job/craft, that u can enjoy to support your chosen life style.
Hobbies, activities that u want to try, and some u may want to keep on doing.
The friends u will enjoy spending time with.

Finally, someone special to share your life with, and then possibly, your own family.

And how will CDing fit into all of this?
Only U can answer that!

If u find the things and people that make U HAPPY! Then, everything else should fall into place for U!

If u CAN'T find your happiness, that's the time to see a therapist!

[Ralph]

As you have seen, Aidana, there are LOTS of us in the world. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. The only advice I can offer is: Know thyself.

No, seriously. It's great that you are willing to open up to your girlfriend, but she probably has more questions than you are ready to answer at this point. If you have read over some of the threads, you noticed that crossdressing encompasses a wide range of needs and personalities - from guys who like to wear the nice clothes but remain guys through and through, to folks just one hormone treatment away from full transition. So you need to figure out where you are on that scale. If your girlfriend can be reassured that you aren't going to have surgery, or seek out male lovers, or whatever other common fears cross the minds of crossdressers' spouses, she will be better able to deal with what you do desire to make your life complete. Will you want to go out dressed? If so, will you want to pass as a woman and be treated as a woman? If the things you want to do exceed what she is comfortable with, find an area of compromise that you can both be happy with. Don't try to force her to accept activities that you think are great but she can't tolerate; you'll only drive her away.

On the other side of it, don't feel like you are obligated to do things that other crossdressers find enjoyable - just because one person says going all-out girl with the makeup and the wigs and breast forms and hanging out in bars is the best way to celebrate life doesn't mean it's what YOU want. I stress that because so many times when a newcomer shows up here, he's bombarded with "Now you have to take the next step", and folks around here are probably getting tired of hearing me say "THERE IS NO NEXT STEP!" There's only what motivates you, and you alone.

OK, I guess I had more than one bit of advice but I hope it helps. Welcome to the club!

[PaulaJaneThomas]

Stay away from therapists.

[sissystephanie]

Hi Aidana, and welcome to our big family! You can, and probably will, learn a lot from this forum.

I do have to tell tou that I have grandchildren older then you! I have been a Cd for over 70 years! And I still enjoy it! My late wife knew before we were married and supported me for the 49+ years we were together. Of my family, only my daughter knows. She doesn't care to see me dressed.

I am somewhat surprised that you haven't delved further into dressing than panties! But of course, not having a sister as I did, there probably wasn't any other clothing to wear.

Contrary to what Paula Jane said, I think a Therapist might be a good idea.But only if the Therapist is throughly trained in Gender Identity Problems. You might have to go to San Diego to find one.

I was going to tell you to look in the mirror to find out who you were! But if you are only wearing panties, that won't tell you much! The idea is, if you like the way you look and feel in feminine clothing you are definitely a Crossdresser! I do like it and I am a CD! What's more I am proud of it, not at all ashamed! It is who I am! And probably who you are, Aidana!

The best of luck to you!

[Aidana]

Thanks so much for everyone who has answered, everything you have said has struck a chord with me and has made me think. I have read many threads but it's different when people say something directly to me.

You've tossed out so much for one post that it's hard to answer in much depth.

I realize that my post was only a cry for help, an introductory post to get the ball rolling with my self discovery.

However, now is the time to find your place in the world!
What u will do with your life.
A job/craft, that u can enjoy to support your chosen life style.
Hobbies, activities that u want to try, and some u may want to keep on doing.
The friends u will enjoy spending time with.

Right now I work from home except one day a week I have to show up to the office and I'm moving into my own place pretty soon so I'm free to do any exploring I could think of, I just need to find the will and courage to do it. I have friends whom I love spending time with, my closest friends know of this confusion I have with varying degrees.

The only advice I can offer is: Know thyself.
...
If the things you want to do exceed what she is comfortable with, find an area of compromise that you can both be happy with
...
On the other side of it, don't feel like you are obligated to do things that other crossdressers find enjoyable

Wow, thanks for all your words, you have helped me tremendously already.

Stay away from therapists.

Why? I would love to hear why you don't think it's a good idea to see a therapist.

Contrary to what Paula Jane said, I think a Therapist might be a good idea.But only if the Therapist is throughly trained in Gender Identity Problems. You might have to go to San Diego to find one

I did go to one session with a therapist already and she was great. She told me she doesn't deal exclusively with Gender Identity Problems but that she has dealt with 2 CD/TV/TG before and many homosexuals. I am excited as to how she can help me with these issues.

I was going to tell you to look in the mirror to find out who you were! But if you are only wearing panties, that won't tell you much! The idea is, if you like the way you look and feel in feminine clothing you are definitely a Crossdresser!

It's been a long time since I've dressed in something other than panties. Now that I have a job and my own place I might start to buy some articles of clothing for myself and see how I feel doing what I normally do around the house. I like how I look and feel in masculine and in feminine clothing but for different reasons. I am a crossdresser, I'm just trying to establish how often I need or want to do it, if I will need to dress fully or if undergarments is all I need, shaving and all that. That way I can understand myself better and explain it to my partner (be it my current or future).

Thanks again to all and let's keep those comments coming as much as poassible

[Marcia Blue]

[SIZE="2"]Aidana, You seem to have level headed understanding of CDing and your life. A therapist can help guide you to find yourself.
Browse the forums, and meet the girls here. We all have similiar stories and problems. A big part of this forums popularity is we all help each other, and we want every CD/TS/TG to know that they are not alone.
Be prepared for the "Pink Fog" it seems to get all of us at one time or another. Enjoy the ride it can be a bit bumpy at times and has a lot of sudden curves.[/SIZE]

[Sara82]

Heya Aidana, I'm 26 and have been CDing on and off since I was about 12, and currently in the self-discovery process as well.

I definitely know how you feel though and I too, am trying to establish how often, and how far I really need to go with it, all while trying to keep a healthy relationship going with my girlfriend.

it seems the best way to do it is slowly, especially if you don't want to run the risk of ruining the relationship.

[Aidana]

Marcia, I assume "Pink Fog" is that phase where the dressing up escalates to a point where it might go out of control?

Slop, I've read your thread and it seems we are in a similar stage in our road to discovery. I wish you the best of luck!

[sherri52]

before you go to a therapist check this site out for awhile. There is more help here than any councilor can give. Therapists are only good for those who think they need one, not for those who get sent by someone else

[Ralph]

Marcia, I assume "Pink Fog" is that phase where the dressing up escalates to a point where it might go out of control?

You're going to get 62 different answers to that question. Here's my take, and it's very close to what you suggest: The "pink fog" is that euphoria about dressing that tends to blind you to the ugly realities of life, and gets you to focus on the dressing so much that you neglect your relationships, your other obligations, etc. You make unwise decisions (such as buying more than you can afford, skipping work, engaging in risky behavior that can get you caught or in trouble) all to feed the need.

From comments I have read here, some folks are aware of the hazards but embrace the pink fog BECAUSE it feels so good to be under its spell. I think that's a bad choice, but then I'm also a lot less interested in getting blind drunk since I became a husband and father.

[NathalieX66]

Aidana.....just be true to what you are.
I have been on this forum for just a few months, and I have found many answers about myself. I came here because I didn't want to hear what a clinical therapist says, but what real people who cd say. When the time comes that I need outside help, I will gladly take that direction. Right now, I feel glad to be here....and i feel happy about myself as I am.
I have no problem with self-discovery, but at the same time I do not feel it's necessary to display pictures if I dont want to, or "go all the way" just because a few on this forum try to goad people into doing so in order to justify being a CD'er. I don't owe anything to anyone except myself, and my family.
Every now & then, a joke comes around that says "what's the difference between a crossdresser, and a transsexual?" .....meaning duration of the hormone therapy, and completed transgendered lifestyle. Once in a while, such things are of interest to me. I personally know people who've done it. But then again, I like being a dude that fixes cars, builds stone walls, and camps in a tent in the pouring rain. After all the soul searching I've arrived at the place of being a 43 year old straight androgynous male, with Billy Cyrus legnth hair, earrings, and a career path I love, who loves women's outfits, complete with an expanding wardrobe, thus that puts me up with number #14 of the 62 different reasons why men crossdress. Initially, I couldn't tell the difference between fetish, and gender expression. I share more in common with Aerosmith's Steven Tyler. Without this forum, I would never have known that. Purging...abstinence...even going out en femme in public when in college, I've done it all.

[Seamus_Jameson]

I get where you're coming from, Aidana. You sound like you just need a place to let go--share your emotions with a group that will listen. You say, seeking advice, but I think you already know, gut-instinct, where you should be headed. You just seem to need some reassurance. Trust your gut and go slowly. The most important advice I could possibly give you is, yes, figure out who you are because if you try to pretend something for the sake of the relationship, it will only make her unhappy in the long run. If you discover that you aren't what she had in mind, better to know now.

This can really be a heartwrenching journey. But you seem to already know that. It can also be thrilling. Remember to focus on both aspects. Deal with the negative emotions, don't sweep them under the rug. Enjoy the euphoria, it's awesome, but don't get swept away in the tide.

The two things that most caught my attention about your post (besides the fact that you can spell) are the Halloween experience and wanting to talk with girls. I remember as a child getting hand-me-down boxers and briefs from my older cousins. At first I was afraid to wear them--irrational, because they had been given to me. Then I began wearing them in private and it gave me the most wonderfully peaceful feeling, a special sort of nirvana. Panties are just so much underwear to me (except this one pair, from when I was six, with Simba printed on them and pink flowers sewn to the waistband ). But this felt completely different. . . somehow, letting something inside of me escape.

I was out shopping today. I passed three guys my age, standing in a circle gossiping. It physically hurt to pass them. It reminded me of every time growing up when I would listen to guys chatting about after-school jobs, school, tests, girls, sports, shoes, teachers, families, world news. . . and I could never join, except as a privileged guest.

Just this evening, while eating out, I watched two women in the crosswise booth. They chatted enthusiastically, talked about "girl" things, laughed loudly, obviously enjoyed each other's company. I think that's where you want to be. My advice: don't be effeminate. Be the "sympathetic male". Say hi to women. Ask them how they are feeling. Ask them how are things with their husband/boyfriend. Reward confidences with quiet sympathy and agreement. Eventually, a female friend will mention that she is going out with a friend of hers to do X. Say, "oh," pause, "can I come?" If she says yes, bam, you've got yourself in on a no-boys-allowed date. Continue to be quiet and confidential, get invited on more dates, talk about shared feminine interests, but subtly begin copying their gestures, postures, and speech patterns.

As you find yourself, remember that feelings you have now won't be the same feelings you will have at the "finish". That's the definition. You may discover that dressing is only an occasional hobby. That's fine. You may need to dress and live full-time as a woman to be happy. That's a different path. Take your time, examine your options.

Good luck!

[Aidana]

before you go to a therapist check this site out for awhile. There is more help here than any councilor can give. Therapists are only good for those who think they need one, not for those who get sent by someone else

I think I need one, my SO suggested it and I thought it was a great idea, I've gone to one session and I felt great afterwards. I'll continue to go if I continue to see changes for the better.

From comments I have read here, some folks are aware of the hazards but embrace the pink fog BECAUSE it feels so good to be under its spell.

Since I've been on this site I've come across a lot of comparisons for CDing (it's a hobby, it's a way of life, etc) but this particular comment on pink fog makes me think about an addiction. If it's hazardous I prefer to tackle it with caution should the pink fog ever arrive.

I have no problem with self-discovery, but at the same time I do not feel it's necessary to display pictures if I dont want to, or "go all the way" just because a few on this forum try to goad people into doing so in order to justify being a CD'er.

I believe I have to push some limits and see if I reach something with which I feel uncomfortable, then I'll know where I stand. But I understand what you are saying and will need to keep that mind before I do anything, I need to ask myself why I'm doing it, is it to satisfy me? or is it because it is expected out of a CD?

This can really be a heartwrenching journey. But you seem to already know that. It can also be thrilling. Remember to focus on both aspects. Deal with the negative emotions, don't sweep them under the rug. Enjoy the euphoria, it's awesome, but don't get swept away in the tide.

One of my main concerns right now is that I might be afraid to deal with the negative emotions and that I would be sweeping them under the rug.

But to answer the rest of the post, right now I don't feel like I would want to transition. Some years ago, I would get a different feeling when I thought myself as female, some nights I would wake up in the middle of the night feeling like a woman, that thought seems stranger to me now. It might be a phase for all I know, but for now I'm content living as a man for most of the time.

Thanks sharing your expriences, now I'll share mine. For a few years I normally went out with a group of GG, I won't say they saw me as one of them but they would talk about girly topics and on many occassions I would become bored of those topics (wow, this is something I hadn't realized until just now) but I'm sure there are some things they would not say when I was there, since highschool there hasn't been a shortage of GG friends with whom I could feel comfortable talking heart to hear, but it's different if one of them saw me as a girl, even if only for a day. What I'm saying here is that I've always been the sympathetic male, it has gotten me a lot of "I like you as a friend, not as a lover" comments from some girls, but it has gotteng me some awesome GG friends and "I feel like I can talk to you" comments from them.

About a year and a half ago I started hanging out more with guy friends who were more akin to me and I began to feel more comfortable with my persona, I feel like I belong with those guys, that's something I had never felt with another group of guys, and that fact has given me confidence and now I don't feel less of a man with (almost) anyone. Hanging out with more guys has given me a boost fo my self image and now am happier because of that.

It might seem that I'm contradicting myself, it's these contradictions that I'm trying to sort out. Thanks for your post.

P.S. I found the spelling comment funny