After looking a the may responses to how many of us have an active and supportive SO, curious as to why some are so accepting while others want nothing to do with it. I am sure a lot of the acceptance comes from being in a committed relationship and accepting everything about the person. Or is it for other reasons?
I think the overall sense or perception of "wellness" has something to do with it. If you are miserable and selfish, pessimistic, and generally unhappy the SO may associate it with the dressing, making the dressing a flaw or sickness.
If you come off as happy and optimistic overall, and you are living positively, then the dressing becomes a theraputic benefit.
I think people have a sort of an intuitive "health-sense" built in.
And so we go, on with our lives...
We know the Truth, but prefer Lies.
Lies are simple, simple is Bliss.
Why go against tradition, when we can admit defeat,
Live in Decline, be the victim of our own design?
I also think it has a lot to do the SO's own self confidence,self esteem, and how happy they are with themselves.
For example, if a SO has low self esteem about her appearance, or just lacks confidence in general, then I think they will have a harder time accepting, because they might feel like you are seeking something that they don't have, or that they aren't enough woman for you, so you your self want to make up for it.
The only person that can answer the question (s) posed is the person who is either accepting or not.
People do many things for one reason or another. I would never even try to explain why my SO accepts my transgenderism, only she can say why.
If there was a simple explanation or solution to this question, then the formula could be applied to all and hey presto, we all have accepting SOs.
Instead of trying to find a solution with others, the first place anyone should look is closer to home.
Just my
Listen carefully to what is said, quite often you can hear what is not being said
The joy of correcting a mistake can bring pain to another
Everyone is different, and everyone reacts differently to whatever news they are confronted with. Simple as that.
I think that is almost as asking, why do some men like to crossdresss? Just as Anna said, everyone is different, and each person has her/his own reasons to accept it or not.
Hugs,
Claudia Dawn
Also, the "support" sometimes waxes and wanes. May it be that it is tied to their hormonal cycles (talk about a mine field)? Sure. May it be tied to their own level of self-acceptance? Sure. May it be tied to their RQ (Religiosity Quotient)? Sure. May it be something else - something individual and unique? You betcha!
Translation - on a question such as this, only answer is the Universal Answer - It Depends.
Kathi
I am the SO of a truely wonderful person, who is transgendered ............... I was the SO of another TG person (note, the was) ........ my acceptance is for the person not the lifestyle per see (although I do support trans peeps in general) having said that it does not mean that I would accept a trans person as my partner just because they were trans and nor would I want a trans person seeking me out because I am accepting ........... the TGism is a part of OUR life that I have no prolem with in any way shape or form
I allow myself to set healthy boundaries ..... to say no to what does not align with my values, to say yes to what does.
Boundaries assist me to remain healthy, honest and living a life that is true to me
For me, women are the center of my universe - period. I have a number of platonic female friends whose company I greatly enjoy, and they seem to enjoy mine equally. Maybe it is because they don't see me as a "threat" who is likely to try to start an affair with them the way a "normal" man is apt to. They don't know that "Leslie" exists, but I am sure that despite this, they sense that there is something "different" about me compared with other men that puts them at ease in my presence, and lets them open up to me in ways they wouldn't otherwise. Like having a gay male friend and fashion adviser, I suppose.
To be honest, my wife is not overly thrilled by the fact that at I am a cross-dresser and would prefer that it just went away. I did not reveal this side of me before we got married as I was convinced at the time that it was just a phase I was going through and that marriage would "cure" me (NOT!). Still, I can't help but think that it was some of this undefinable, je-ne-sais-quoi about me that made me stand out among her previous boyfriends and attracted her to me. I've often tried to explain to her that rather than resisting me on the cross-dressing part, she should look at the positive aspects and recognize that it also gives her the opportunity to have a husband and best girlfriend all rolled up into one if she could just wrap her mind around that concept (think of the shopping possibilities!). No doubt that level of acceptance would potentially eliminate much of the friction my cross-dressing has led to, but my wife had a very traditional and conservative up-bringing with a strong religious component thrown in, and I don't see this happening in my lifetime. She tells me that as a heterosexual woman with no lesbian tendencies, this would be impossible for her to contemplate, and I respect that. After all, this is my "problem", and not one she knowingly signed up for when we got married
And yet..., the younger generation nowadays is much more open-minded about these things and does not see them in such a black and white manner...
Wish I knew the answer...wife strated off OK with the dressing and now we're splitting up....I think low self esteem had something to do with it ...really even now not sure why we're splitting up...get a different answer when we talk....
Discovering the female self aka "Bitch with an Attitude"
The answer is very simple. At least in my case. LOVE!
When partners put all else aside and decide that the love they have for each other outweigh their fears, ignorance and selfishness.
I am blessed enough to have a marriage like that.
Clearly a good, healthy, loving, respectful and openly communicative relationship is key to any kind of acceptance of who another person is. It is also very important though that you accept and respect yourself for who you are. If you have doubts then so will they.
At some point you have to stand up and say, this is who I am, I respect how you feel about this, good or bad, but regardless of how you feel, this is who I am. If they can never accept who you are then you are with the wrong person and need to move on.
What stop do I get off at? Hmmm...
Originally Posted by Nigella
The only person that can answer the question (s) posed is the person who is either accepting or not.
People do many things for one reason or another. I would never even try to explain why my SO accepts my transgenderism, only she can say why.
If there was a simple explanation or solution to this question, then the formula could be applied to all and hey presto, we all have accepting SOs.
Instead of trying to find a solution with others, the first place anyone should look is closer to home.
Just my
I 100% agree.
I don't know why some SO accept, and some don't, but I sure wish I did. When I first came out to my wife, she was supportive, and even helpful. But after a while, she said she didn't want to see me dressed anymore, because it made her uncomfortable. So I've respected her wishes, and only dress when she's not around. She knows I have my female clothing and wear it when she's not home, but she refuses to discuss it. I don't know why, and I wish I did, so we could work on it, but for right now, that's not going to happen. We truly love each other, and have been married for over 36 years, and had three wonderful children. Because of all that, I'm willing to bide my time and hope for the best in the future.
It truely depends on each situation. There are many factors that come in to play. I am one to fully admit to have my bad days where I just want to rip my hair out and scream, but I work through it as I am sure that sometimes I do the same to her. Its about communication and compromise for us. We love each other to let something come in the way of our love when we have been through so much more and come out of it together. I would lie if I didn't say I have my fears..that is what can ultimately destroy some relationships..its the ability to work past them and realize they are just fears. I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason, but that we also have control of our destiny.
[SIZE="3"]Do not wait; the time will never be ''just right.'' Start where you stand, and work with whatever tools you may have at your command, and better tools will be found as you go along.
It is much easier to be critical than to be correct.
They condemn what they do not understand.
[/SIZE]
Only the Shadow knows and he/she is not talking.
If there were a correct answer to this question then that would mean the mystery of the human psyche and the mystery of the woman brain had been solved... Thus there would be answers to a million other questions that we've been dying to know since the dawn of mankind.
I agree that it depends on the situation, everyone is different. As for me, I am the wife of CD'r and I am not supportive. Part of my reasoning at this time is I am still in the holy crap stage. Married for 15 years and I just found out 2 mos ago. I believe that part of the non acceptance from me has to do with deception.
I have wondered if I had known from the beginning, would I feel differently, and even I can't answer that question for myself.
I would venture to guess that the wives that got involved or married to their CD husband knowing about the CD are more accepting than those that did not. Just my opinion.
I am not generally a judgemental person. I belive everyone has there own beliefs and whether I agree with them or not does not make them wrong.
I would not say that I have low self esteem. I am very comfortable with who I am and how I look.
Welcome and thank you for joining us. It is nice to hear from an SO that is non-accepting. It helps give some of us and different view on the subject. My first two (yeah 2!) wife were non-accepting. Mostly because I did not tell them in the beginning. My third wife I was straight up in the very first date. We had a lot of ups and downs in the beginning, but now she enjoys that side of me. In time you my learn that what he does in part of his life. You may start to accept his "other woman" or you may not. There are a lot to take in and learn. Please hang out and do not be afraid to ask anybody any question you might have.
Drumming, My other hobby
Here's an old thread that started off in the "GG only" FAB section and then got moved to the MTF section. In it, the GGs recount why they think the way they do. It might give you some insight, but the bottom line is it's different for everyone.
Accepting GGs: What makes us different?
Hugs
Rachel
.
The River City Gems - Northern California's largest and most active crossdressing & transgender support group!
Maybe one of the reasons is because the CD'r didn't disclose the fact that he likes to dress in womans clothes or has a strong feminine side. Many CD's go into a relationship starting out with a Lie, not a little white lie but a huge lie. Ok so some will say they thought the feelings would go away after becoming involved in a relationship, so now they are lying to themselves. Other will say they discovered their feminine feelings later after the relationship had been established, yeah right.
Being open and honest about your feelings is important to any relationship so once your S.O. discovers you are CD she will rightfully feel negative about the whole situation since it could directly effect her and any future family. So some CD's will try to hide and sneak around believing that if the dressing is out of sight then it is out of mind, Wrong. The S.O knows what you are doing thus creating a NEGATIVE invironment. Can she trust that you will be truthful about other things?
I've noticed that many of the posts here where a CD'r has a positive relationship with their S.O. disclosure at the beginning of a relationship seems to be the key factor in a Positve and accepting S.O. If the CD'r feels shame and guilt about his desires or need to dress then how can that result in a Positive S.O.?
If you haven't told her from the beginning its your fault, for deceiving.
If you have, and she doesn't accept, your a fool for continuing the relationship.
Its also societies fault. According to Disney movies, the girl is supposed to be the princess and your supposed to be Prince Charming. And growing up kids are taught to suppress and hate everything wrong, and some things are right and some things are wrong (so the bible tells us).
People do all sorts of serious destructive behavior because it feels good. Dressing has no destructive side affects, and hurts no one, but feels so good. We should all get to feel good once in a while
Last edited by ifitfeelsgood; 08-25-2009 at 10:46 PM. Reason: back read other post
I told my wife after 15+ years of marriage. She was obviously shocked and felt betrayed. Then she wanted to see me dressed. She was trying to accept and understand. Well, that did not work!!! After seeing me dressed she felt she could no longer think of me as her 'man' but rather some strange creature who wasn't really sure just what he/she was. She claimed it had a very adverse affect on her sexual desire for me so that is now a thing of the past. She stated that it's impossible to believe me when I tell her I'm a heterosexual man who loves her, doesn't want to have sex with a man (but wants to occasisonally look and dress like a woman). I totally get it when a woman can't accept a cross dressing husband. I know I'd have trouble if my wife wanted to wear a jock strap to bed. Why do we feel that we're 'owed' acceptance when it's clearly out of the norm and certainly not what a spouse signed up for when they married us unknowingly.
Why do I accept? because she has been honest with me ok, not quite from the start but near enough, we talk it's not a case of she wants this, or wants to do that and off she goes, we discuss it first, if we don't agre then it doesn't get done, but I guess the main resaon is it's who she is thats why I accept her.
Sandra
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I think the key for an active and supportive SO, is being truthful and making them feel included and just as important in the relationship as your girl side.
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