Why do some So accept dressing and others not ?

[Sammy777]

That is like asking a New Yorker why they are a Mets fans or a Yankees fan.

Either you are one or the other.
Almost never though is someone both.

[TxKimberly]

Well hell, everything I was gonna say has already been said!

As for my own wife, she was always a bit of a tom boy. Growing up, SHE didn't like being forced in to the girly girl stuff, and so maybe has a little more tolerance for others that don't want to be shoved in to rolls they aren't entirely comfortable with.

[ReineD]

After looking a the may responses to how many of us have an active and supportive SO, curious as to why some are so accepting while others want nothing to do with it. I am sure a lot of the acceptance comes from being in a committed relationship and accepting everything about the person. Or is it for other reasons?

Here are a few possible reasons:

WHY:
1. In love, or the relationship is new, or it is a connected relationship.
2. Open minded and non-judgmental.
3. Ability to look beyond a person's gender.
4. The focus in the marriage remains on the relationship. It does not switch to the CDing.

WHY NOT:
1. Femme image interferes with SO's sexual fantasies.
2. Fear of being replaced by another, even if the other is the femme.
3. Religion or morality.
4. Inability to look beyond a person's gender.
5. The focus in the marriage has switched to the CDing.
6. There are other, unresolved issues in the relationship.

For those who have said their wives first accepted then changed their minds, I have some thoughts:
1. The wife first looked at the CDing as a hobby and she was willing to play along. Then she got scared when she realized the CDing runs much deeper than it first appears.

2. The wife felt the CDing was going to interfere with her husband's ability to be a man, especially if her husband went into a pink fog for awhile and the wife felt she was left behind.

[Sarah_GG]

I too am an accepting SO of a CDer. I love my SO, the CDing is just another facet to his many and varied skills, activities, hobbies and interests. I find it easy to accept because he is honest and open with me about every single aspect of it.

There are, however, odd days where my acceptance does waver. Not because I'm suddenly unaccepting but possibly because CDing becomes my SOs primary focus, a catalyst for my SO to spring energetically into action, an unparalleled enthusiasm and passion that I can never compete with.

What's more, my SO doesn't have any cellulite at all, instead has perfectly toned and slim legs leading to a pert and neat bottom. Like many GGs, I don't! And there are some days (bad hair days we call them!) when I'm slightly jealous of that fact.

Most of the time we just have fun with it. Dressing up can be fun - long gloves, corsets, tiaras, eyelashes, wigs, glasses, feathers boas, sequins, long dresses, ballgowns - and all the smoke and mirrors can produce some great pictures where we both look like superstars! My SO involves me (when I want to be involved and doesn't make me feel guilty when I don't want to be involved) in the excitement of getting 'glammed' up.

[sherri52]

Some so's can deal with it because they love thier partner, others think it is good because they are closer with thier partner due to it being one more thing in common. Then thier are those that think it is sick or even demeaning to woman, or maybe you look better than they do. Who can say for sure other than the so.

[Sandra]

Some so's can deal with it because they love thier partner, .

Hmmmm

So are you saying that those who can't accept don't love their partners? because if you are you are way out of the ball park.

[Bev06 GG]

Hi Ladies, Im an accepting partner and I both enjoy and have fun with my partner. I can tell you now though that I do have CD friends, that if they were mine it would definitely be a different story.

They whine all the time like a small child, they have just got to be the centre of attention, they have mood swings and then they purge cause theyre not sure if their partner is truly accepting of it. Then they decide to go out and buy all new gear and spend a fortune, and then they sit round your house all day telling you how mixed up they are. Sheesh I get exhausted being with them for an hour or two let alone having them around 24/7. Soooo it isn't neccessarily the dressing that the SO has the problem with but more the Dresser. If something is fun then its bound to be more attractive than something that demands constant attention with little or no joy.

I dont personally beleive that non acceptance has much to do with Jealousy or not loving someone. If you dont love them you wouldn't hang around anyhow would you so maybe the dressing could be the catalyst that makes for the parting of the ways
Take care
Bev

[Allsteamedup]

For me, women are the center of my universe - period. I have a number of platonic female friends whose company I greatly enjoy, and they seem to enjoy mine equally. Maybe it is because they don't see me as a "threat" who is likely to try to start an affair with them the way a "normal" man is apt to. They don't know that "Leslie" exists, but I am sure that despite this, they sense that there is something "different" about me compared with other men that puts them at ease in my presence, and lets them open up to me in ways they wouldn't otherwise. Like having a gay male friend and fashion adviser, I suppose.

To be honest, my wife is not overly thrilled by the fact that at I am a cross-dresser and would prefer that it just went away. I did not reveal this side of me before we got married as I was convinced at the time that it was just a phase I was going through and that marriage would "cure" me (NOT!). Still, I can't help but think that it was some of this undefinable, je-ne-sais-quoi about me that made me stand out among her previous boyfriends and attracted her to me. I've often tried to explain to her that rather than resisting me on the cross-dressing part,husband and best girlfriend she should look at the positive aspects and recognize that it also gives her the opportunity to have a all rolled up into one if she could just wrap her mind around that concept (think of the shopping possibilities!). No doubt that level of acceptance would potentially eliminate much of the friction my cross-dressing has led to, but my wife had a very traditional and conservative up-bringing with a strong religious component thrown in, and I don't see this happening in my lifetime. She tells me that as a heterosexual woman with no lesbian tendencies, this would be impossible for her to contemplate, and I respect that. After all, this is my "problem", and not one she knowingly signed up for when we got married

And yet..., the younger generation nowadays is much more open-minded about these things and does not see them in such a black and white manner...

Dear Leslie, Husband and best girlfriend, eh? This is where you miss the point so much. Just because you are her husband and then choose to put on a frock will never make you her best girl-friend, because she did not select you for that role. As her crossdressed husband that is all you are.
Best girlfriends assume an important role in a woman's life. They may have been friend's since school or college days, or have met at ante natal classes or some other significant event in life, usually having lived through some supportive issues together. They probably share values and an outlook, a sense of humour, but not the same taste in men.
You are there as her husband in a completely different role. If you can only think of shopping opportunities as a reason for her being 'friends' with your femme self you may begin to realise how far apart her thinking and yours really are.
My crossdressed husband is not a pleasant person. Polly is devoid of any personality, humour, interest, conversation or empathy. She bears no relation to my husband who has a fine intellect and good personal habits. Her clothes are unkempt, her wig appalling, her makeup bag-don't go there! her hosiery and shoes uncared for. I would never choose a friend with such poor standards.
Does this tell you anything abpout being a female best friend?

[Angie F]

True love! if you truely love someone, you love them unconditionaly. Taking the good with the bad (not saying that being one's self is bad ) I am not gay, but if my wife were to tellme she was a man trapped in a woman's body, I wouldn't love her any less nor would I denie her to be who she is meant to be. So if I had to live my life in love and living with her as a man, I would do it in a heartbeat!

[crossdrezzer1]

ohhh goodnesss,how to explain this---
why are some democrats and some republicans----
some gay and some not---
some white and some not---
some female and some not----
some fat and some not--
some country hicks and some city dwellers
Its just the way we all were born and our wirering and upbringing and lets not forget the location and surrounding and mostly the role models that molded us for being who we are and what we are,, I embrase it and welcome it,,it would be so dull if we all embrased each other,,, mankind is a diversified nature and until we can unite then there will be cultureral and sexual biggots and thats fine with me,,, to each their own right? One NON-understanding person once said---" I MOCK WHAT I CANT UNDERSTAND"

[Missy]

could be just how hey were raised up and their core belifes first wife hated when i dress in any thing girly my wife now accepts it and has even bught me cloths that are made for woman it just how open minded some are plus the level of love they have for you while how I treat them when i am dressed

[allisonrn06]

curious as to why some are so accepting while others want nothing to do with it.

Don't know about my wife. In the beginning she wasn't very accepting, told me I could keep my clothes, but didn't want to see me in them. Some where along the line, without me trying to convince her at all, she accepted it, and when I asked her what changed her mind, she really couldn't say.

[icequeen]

I think a lot of acceptance comes with how you tell your SO, how you approach them about it, and if you tell them from the beginning and let them take baby steps towards understanding and accepting. If it's something you're "caught" doing or something that is revealed after a long time into the relationship, they are usually going to feel betrayed and upset. How do you expect someone you've been with for a long time to find out your secret and be like and how did I not know this from the beginning. I think it is more about trust, communication, and how people relate to one another than anything else...but this is just the perspective of a GG.

[ReineD]

I also think it has much to do with a couple's ability to acknowledge one another's needs, and if they both prioritize their relationship, each will be willing to go the extra mile for the other rather than thinking strictly of having their own needs met. Another word for this is compromise.

IMO it is a win/win situation as long as each partner continues to give and take equally over time rather than one person feeling s/he is giving more than the other.

[PretzelGirl]

I totally agree with Reine. I love my wife and no step in my crossdressing has been done without talking with her and without my being considerate of her. Likewise, she has been considerate of me crossdressing and recognizes my needs. So she either accepts, or we talk about where her boundaries are. And this is a continuous process, not just a one time "etched in stone" thing.

As a result she is accepting because I am never sneaking around on her or pulling the rug out from under her. And I am happy because I am able to do what I wish to do to relax.

A marriage isn't built on one person going off on their own without the other having any say in the matter.

[Rikkicn]

Some women are afraid and some aren't. I think it depends on what they have been exposed to in their lives and what their beliefs are.
I've met many women that adore feminine crossdressing men and all of these women live unusal alternative lifestyle.

HEhe they all have tatoos and shop at health food places
I would say i've met and know about 20 women that fit this

[JenetGG]

For me, being one who is enthusiastically accepting and supportive - it's a combination of having grown up in a bohemian type of family of origin, being towards the bisexual end of the spectrum, being open minded, non-religious, curious, adventurous, having been an integral part of my beloved's discovery of his femme self and knowing of CDing from the beginning, a strong desire for my partner to be all of who he/she is, having him be committed to open and honest communication and incredibly sensitive to and accommodating of my needs and boundaries...even before I am aware of what they are.

[sometimes_miss]

Some have touched on the thoughts I have here, so in those cases you can just add my support to those that have already mentioned them. And I will elaborate on some more.
We fall in love with the image we have of the other person; it encompasses all we know of them at that time, in addition to traits, behaviors and qualities (good or bad) that we 'assign' to them based on how we feel about them. And we fall in love with that image. One of the most important components of romantic relationships is sexual attraction; and yes, a relationship can survive once that attraction wanes, but usually not if that attraction turns to repulsion. And that is what can easily happen when your masculine image turns into a feminine image. Not all women are completely sexually repulsed by another female, but a good percent are. It's not something we can pick or choose, it just feels very wrong for many of us. And women can feel the same way. So when she first imagines or sees you as a female, her sexual attraction to you can be disturbed or in many cases completely destroyed. And for most women, romantic love is the very key that holds their relationship with you together. Once you disrupt that, it can be the beginning of the end. Sometimes the relationship changes and survives, sometimes not. Some women can compartmentalize your crossdressing from the rest of your life, others cannot.
In other cases, sometimes insecurity comes into play. A woman may become upset, for example, if her male partner's breasts become bigger than her own Or if when 'en femme', he looks prettier than she feels she looks. It simply threatens our image of who we are in the relationship. Yes, it would be nice if what our bodies looked like didn't matter at all, but unfortunately life doesn't work out like that.
I've pondered over the issue of not telling someone early in the relationship about my crossdressing, on how my ex wife complained about that 'lie' of omission being the most upsetting thing about it, that it was my dishonesty that upset her more than anything else. And, I don't think it was, I think she expressed that because it was more politically correct to say that than to complain about the crossdressing in and of itself. After all, there were plenty of other things that we never mention about ourselves, because we think they really aren't important; she, for example, had several issues as well that she never mentioned, but as she felt they weren't important, she didn't feel it necessary to tell me. I felt the same about the crossdressing. And so, I don't think the 'dishonesty' argument really holds water. After all, we are all liars at some point in our life; it's what we lie about that upsets other people or does not upset them, and we can only make an educated guess about whether any particular lie or omission of information will be a problem.

[Di]

sometimes miss you said

I don't think the 'dishonesty' argument really holds water.

Seriously????????????????????????????????????????? ??
After just about every GG voices that
and every EVERY GG that I have ever talked to/ that found out
by accident ect..........has said it was the HARDEST THING TO GET OVER feeling betrayed.........................
So just because you analyzed, it...came up with your own
conclusion.......then EVERY GG that says this ( including your ex).......is what lying?

Give me a break..........I mean seriously

[ReineD]

I don't usually respond to people by parsing their posts line by line but in your case, I feel compelled to.

We fall in love with the image we have of the other person; it encompasses all we know of them at that time, in addition to traits, behaviors and qualities (good or bad) that we 'assign' to them based on how we feel about them. And we fall in love with that image.

This is why people have an engagement period and if they are smart, they will discuss all possible future roadblocks to their happiness.

So when she first imagines or sees you as a female, her sexual attraction to you can be disturbed or in many cases completely destroyed.

Although this is often true for first reactions, the GG's attitude can change if her husband is patient and understanding and many GGs do come to accept or understand once they learn more about TG. If there are still problems, it is likely due to having other unresolved issues in the relationship or there is an issue with religion or morality, or her husband is in a major pink fog.

A woman may become upset, for example, if her male partner's breasts become bigger than her own Or if when 'en femme', he looks prettier than she feels she looks.

It really is tiresome to repeatedly read this sentiment. A GG is not jealous of her partner's looks. Fundamentally, she knows who is the GG and who is the GM. If she feels threatened it is because she feels that she AND her husband want the same thing, which is to be desired by men. When this happens the GG feels she relinquishes her role as the woman, married to a man, in the relationship. THIS is what GGs have difficulty dealing with; not jealousy over something so superficial as the way someone is attired.

TGs will tell you it is not their intention to seduce men when they are dressed. But some TGS do appreciate the admiration, and while anticipating or experiencing the pleasure of being admired, I venture to guess these TGs are not thinking about their wives. Hetero GGs who stay in relationships with TGs know and are prepared to accept this, even though they may feel occasional sadness over this seeming incompatibility in their relationship. The dynamics between a GG and a TG are different than they are between a GG and a non-TG.

that it was my dishonesty that upset her more than anything else. And, I don't think it was, [...] And so, I don't think the 'dishonesty' argument really holds water. After all, we are all liars at some point in our life;

I'm sorry, but this is sheer nonsense. You are rationalizing.

Put yourself in your wife's shoes. You are not TG and your wife tells you after some years of marriage that she wants to express being a man. She gets a man's haircut and glues on facial hair and she completely masks her feminine body to look, walk, talk, and behave like a man. Would you not wonder how long she had been feeling this way and why she had not told you before? Would you not wonder where it was going if she wanted to do this increasingly more often and if she spent much time and resources on her interests, and if she also wanted to bring it in the bedroom? Would you look at it as an unimportant error of omission?

(No offense to transmen here. I simply want to illustrate that it is not an insignificant matter for a spouse to find out about his or her TG partner some years into the marriage.)

[Sheila]

Maybe a lot of the questions asked and assumptions made could be answered/corrected by reading this thread by the GG's

[SIZE="4"]If we GG's could say anything/ The good and the Bad[/SIZE]

[DemonicDaughter]

[SIZE="3"]I could go on about how much I love my partner, how I accept her and how much more important it is to me to have that openness in a relationship, but the truth is... that doesn't really answer the question, now does it?

For me personally, I'm an eccentric. I'm a female Drag Queen. I'm an artist. These particular aspects of my life, along with various other things including a very interesting past, allows me to understand and accept the majority of people for who and what they are. Not all, as I don't claim to be perfect, but definitely most.

My acceptance of this as a lifestyle comes from being denied the freedom to be who I was as a child. Perhaps its that lack of compassion others displayed that made me want so much to give that to others.

But please don't misunderstand, I won't "accept" you as a person just because you are a part of this community. I do tend to have standards for those in which I consider friends or accept in my life. Grant it, I wouldn't put someone down just because they dressed but I certainly wouldn't excuse them from things because of it either.[/SIZE]

[ashcrimson]

My SO, just a guess from me, is ashamed of me by the way I appear and is embarassed to be out in public with me. She seems to care so much about what other people think. I know she tries her best though... what else can I say. There are people that look at me most likely and just laugh or even word it out, and I guess that is embrassing to people. Its just that simple I guess.

As for some thoughts on this being betrayed thing, in my opinion it translates more to: "If only I knew earlier, I wouldnt have gone out with you" or "We could have been jsut friends if you told me sooner!". Not in all cases though.

[Lady Joan]

I agree everyone is different.

I have been very fortunate in my life and lifestyle, that I never judge anyone and instead of fearing the difference, embrace it and ask many questions so I can learn.

Unfortuneatley, human nature doesn't always work this way and difference make people feel uncomfortable and fear. Putting defenses up to protect their uncomfortable feelings.

This has been my observations, but those of us who can accept the difference can help those who feel uncomfortable by educating them, one at a time.

Respectfully
Lady Joan

[sometimes_miss]

Actually it's easier to do it this way, line by line if you will, to make things clearer. I often get the feeling that pertinent words are missed, and people often read into my statements things that aren't there. And, it happens a lot. And so,

Put yourself in your wife's shoes. You are not TG and your wife tells you after some years of marriage that she wants to express being a man. She gets a man's haircut and glues on facial hair and she completely masks her feminine body to look, walk, talk, and behave like a man. Would you not wonder how long she had been feeling this way and why she had not told you before? Would you not wonder where it was going if she wanted to do this increasingly more often and if she spent much time and resources on her interests, and if she also wanted to bring it in the bedroom? Would you look at it as an unimportant error of omission?

Sorry, our marriage counselor came up with the same scenario. But you're preaching to the choir; you're assuming I'm a 'normal' man, and I never was one, so I can't know how I'd react. I understand all the transgender things all too well to be shocked by any of that, and in fact, I would be in a perfect position to help her go through all the discovery period, as I've lived through it.

A GG is not jealous of her partner's looks.

Perhaps not always jealous, but upset none the less. Our therapist mentioned one couple she had where it happened. So, there are more out there.

the GG's attitude can change if her husband is patient and understanding and many GGs do come to accept or understand once they learn more about TG

The key word here is 'can', and both you and I used it. It happens. Not all the time, but it happens, in both our stated situations.

This is why people have an engagement period and if they are smart, they will discuss all possible future roadblocks to their happiness.

Unfortunately, few couples do this (not because they're not smart, but because they are still in the 'head in the clouds' condition; which, called various things, most commonly lasts between 30 and 36 months. Most couples get married before that state quiets down). They don't see their partner for who they really are (not counting CD'ers of course, just normal folks) until after they are married, which is one big reason why the divorce rate is so high. The vast majority of couples get married thinking that euphoric state will last forever, and they don't really know their partner yet.