Do I Pass?

[Kim_Bitzflick]

Hi Girls,

I just got back from the grocery store & I had to tell you about this.

So many of us are concerned with passing. As much as I would like to pass as a GG, I know I won't always (if ever). Today's events told me as much.

I went to the grocery store for a few items for the family. I was picking up milk, eggs and some promotional items from stickers we have collected over the last couple months. For the promotional items I had to use the customer service desk. The lady there was very nice to me, BUT one of the first things she said was "My best friend is a crossdresser."

I was stunned. Fortunately she kept talking & put me at ease and told me about her friend and going to a club here, etc. THEN she told me the thing she hates most is the people who talk behind our backs about us (crossdressers). She even told off some people in a fast food place that did this to her friend! This is a totally supportive GG.

So I learned that I do not pass, but people still accept as I am and may even like me even though I do not pass for a GG.


P.S.

I had to go back to the store about 1/2 hour later because I grabbed the wrong item. The lady was just about to leave and was turning it over to another girl. The first lady helped the other find what she needed to help me and then left. During that time, the first lady let a "he" slip once but later changed it to "she". The other girl didn't say or do anything & just treated me like any other customer.

I think I'll keep shopping there.

[Kathi Lake]

Thanks Kim! That was uplifting to hear.

Honestly, in my experience, most girls accept us. Why? I think it's because they get it! They know guy's clothes are boring. They know hair and makeup are fun. Heck, if I were a girl, I'd probably think that people would want to be like me - I mean, what's not to love?!

Kathi

[tricia_uktv]

Thanks Kim, and what I think is interesting is that before you can ever pass (if indeed you can) you have to go through the realisation that for a long time you won't pass. I have seen the most beautiful t-girls and they can't pass. It is however such fun just being yourself so it doesn't worry me.

[MichelleP]

Hi Kim,

That's a nice story. The vast majority of GG's I've ever been around have been accepting too and I just love that! I remember an SA in Nordstroms a couple years ago who was absolutely drop-dead gorgeous. She spied me and I know she clocked me. She just smiled said " you go, girl" as I walked by her. I was beaming.

Michelle

[sterling12]

NOBODY passes ALL of the time, to ALL persons! Not even the "best" of us. This is why a lot of TS Gurls who go through transition, and then try to "disappear" into society; spend the rest of their lives looking over their shoulder.

It probably bummed you out being read, but the good thing is that you now have reality within your grasp. You can now go about your business, and ignore folks, never having to worry if someone reads you or not.

That should feel very empowering!

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Mirani]

Forget about "passing" ... all that really matters is youy being comfortable being you. I am 24/7. I dont "pass" I am sure to many in a day. BUT I am treated well and accepted for being me.

Your insight "So I learned that I do not pass, but people still accept as I am and may even like me even though I do not pass for a GG. " is invaluable - thanks for sharing.

[brenda lynn mwe]

hello glad to hear your story it made me smile to hear we do have people out there that sopport us and for you to go out is alsome girl im still tring to build up the carrage to go out dressed but its getting to the point I don't care what people think im just going to do it

[Kim_Bitzflick]

Thanks for the replies girls. I hope we all learn from my experience.

[sherri52]

nice story. The girl behind the counter was a dream come true. You probably did pass to most, but the one that caught you was understanding, good for you

[Sophie_C]

Hi Girls,

I just got back from the grocery store & I had to tell you about this.

So many of us are concerned with passing. As much as I would like to pass as a GG, I know I won't always (if ever). Today's events told me as much.

I went to the grocery store for a few items for the family. I was picking up milk, eggs and some promotional items from stickers we have collected over the last couple months. For the promotional items I had to use the customer service desk. The lady there was very nice to me, BUT one of the first things she said was "My best friend is a crossdresser."

I was stunned. Fortunately she kept talking & put me at ease and told me about her friend and going to a club here, etc. THEN she told me the thing she hates most is the people who talk behind our backs about us (crossdressers). She even told off some people in a fast food place that did this to her friend! This is a totally supportive GG.

So I learned that I do not pass, but people still accept as I am and may even like me even though I do not pass for a GG.

Yes, that's the reality for 99.999% of girls who don't transition. People make no drama about you because crossdressers don't phase them, NOT because you 'pass.'

[vikki2020]

That's a totally positive experience, so I say you "pass"! Having a CD as a good friend, she probably is a little more aware when she saw you. I say if your out and about, and having fun---good'nuff!

[docrobbysherry]

In MANY respects!

[LisaM]

That was a great story Kim. I hope I remember it every time I go out.

[Rachel Morley]

It's a bummer that she read you so quickly but remember she sounds like she's maybe "in the community" or at least is probably more "trans-aware" ..... chances are there would have been plenty of other people who wouldn't have read you in a similar situation. You win some, you lose some .... it's just the way it goes. It was nice to hear that she likes us though, and even "sticks up" for us! She sounds lovely.

[Maia Saturn]

It's a bummer that she read you so quickly but remember she sounds like she's maybe "in the community" or at least is probably more "trans-aware" ..... chances are there would have been plenty of other people who wouldn't have read you in a similar situation. You win some, you lose some .... it's just the way it goes. It was nice to hear that she likes us though, and even "sticks up" for us! She sounds lovely.

Agreed

[JiveTurkeyOnRye]

For me I've started to change my definition of "passing." (although I'm kind of coming to hate the word in general.)

I view "passing" as not "do you make a convincing GG, but rather, do you carry yourself with positivity, confidence, and dignity.

Some say it's a bummer that she read you. Is it? She seemed positive and happy about it and excited to see someone who she could relate to because of her friend. You seemed to be a positive example of a crossdresser to her, and hopefully others that saw you, "read" you, and just didn't care either.

The more of us who do such things, the more positive images of crossdressers there are. Rather than try to slip by stealthly as GGs, why not instead just be proud of ourselves as the beautiful crossdressers that we are?

[Miranda09]

That was a cool story Kim. It's nice to hear of such supportive individuals.

[Tracy_Victoria]

I've always considered passing could be determined as a points based system. ie there are men with a high fem points, and woman with a high masculing points to start with. (thats the way of the world for all of us!) and probably why some poeple pass easier than others.

Ie if you consider a balance of 50% male, and 50% female, the more you can tip the scale towards the female area, the better you will pass as a woman. ie the more female points you can add, the more accepted as female you will become to onlookers. The more male points you have the more masculing you will look.

ie to be more of man, you can add a beard, or five o clock shadow, muscular frame, etc.

to look more like a Woman you can add a Realistic cleavage, a convincing wig (that doesn't scream "WIG",) good make up, well fitted and suitable clothes.

Personally I don't think passing is just about looking (or appearing as a Woman) ie you could look perfect and just take one step and blow the whole illusion if your gate, or manerism are wrong, or like one of my very early experences out where I passed totally until a guy walked passed and said "good Evening to me" And totally forgetting myself I replyed in my male voice (Still not sure who was more shocked!) Eck

I still think to this day, passing is about a look, your manerism, and erasing the male elements from your appearance, and most of all confidence. if you can look mostly like a woman, walk like a woman, and act like a woman, then anyone that does read you, will always have that doubt, and no body wanys to be a made to look a fool, so if they doubt they will say nothing and move on!!!

[Barbara918]

I may have said this before, but --

Too many CDs think passing is "I'm a man dressed as a woman, in a public place, and nobody can tell." I think this is unrealistic -- how can you be certain nobody can tell? Just because nobody says anything? They may be pointing and laughing behind your back.
I prefer to think passing is "I'm a man dressed as a woman, in a public place, and nobody minds." Much easier to get along that way.

[Gerard]

Nice story.

I think it's harder to pass in front of those that are or know crossdressers as they are more aware of the possibility.

I may have said this before, but --

Too many CDs think passing is "I'm a man dressed as a woman, in a public place, and nobody can tell." I think this is unrealistic -- how can you be certain nobody can tell? Just because nobody says anything? They may be pointing and laughing behind your back.
I prefer to think passing is "I'm a man dressed as a woman, in a public place, and nobody minds." Much easier to get along that way.

I don't agree with that. I think a fundamental part of what people do when out and about, is divide the people they see in men and women, even those they only see a glimpse of. I think it's just how evolution wired us, I notice myself that while driving though town, I'll semi-consciously register if it's a woman or a man at the pedestrian crossing. I think passing is to be put in the category you are presenting as on that level at least. Once people start doing a double take because their unconscious is giving them mixed signals, you're not passing.
Now in most polite civilized places that is not a problem and many will just register "man in a dress", maybe make a remark and then forget it, but you will get noticed as different, just like if you'd worn a Santa costume, a pink wig or similar. I think passing is about blending in and not getting consciously noticed.

There will always be that 1% that spots nearly all of us, but those are the people who are just more observant of their surroundings, are in security or law enforcement, or have more than average knowledge of CD.

[Chrissie P]

Nice story. Glad you had the composure and kept yourself together. A lot of people would have fled the scene.

A woman will read you a lot faster than a man. It's intuition. You might think you have the posture and movement of a woman but not everything and not all the time. A woman I was with at Provincetown MA commented that there a lot of good ones out there " but I can tell".

A guy is easier to fool. He maybe looking at your boobs or your buns, but probably not the whole picture at once. By the time he puts it together you are probably gone and his memory is just of your nice chest or rear end.

[Jennifer Marie P.]

That was a good thing to hear there are some GG that really support us.

[Gerard]

Nice story. Glad you had the composure and kept yourself together. A lot of people would have fled the scene.

A woman will read you a lot faster than a man. It's intuition. You might think you have the posture and movement of a woman but not everything and not all the time. A woman I was with at Provincetown MA commented that there a lot of good ones out there " but I can tell".

A guy is easier to fool. He maybe looking at your boobs or your buns, but probably not the whole picture at once. By the time he puts it together you are probably gone and his memory is just of your nice chest or rear end.

Heheheheh, true. I think in general women are more observant of other people, as a constant "what are they wearing" question hovers in the air. I notice that I'm getting more and more observant myself, not just of clothing but also of behaviour and mannerisms.

[Chrissie P]

Me too. I love watching women. I study their moves and gestures. Watching a woman walk tells a lot about her confidence level, it seems. I take in the whole picture... how she dresses her body, how she wears her hair, her overall look and posture.

The grocery store is a good place to study women. They are usually dressed for normal every day activities. Lots of good ideas there.

[Ralph]

So I learned that I do not pass, but people still accept as I am and may even like me even though I do not pass for a GG.

I agree with the other comments posted, but as an analyst (stress on the "anal" part) I have to point out that all this tells you is that ONE person accepts you as you are; your experience with that person doesn't speak for how the rest of the population will react. As others have pointed out, in this thread and others, you don't know about the stuff that goes on behind your back.

I liked Katie's 7 stages - 4 would be an ideal goal for all of us to shoot for (if we are out at all, of course).