Bad News

[carson]

My wife told me last night she thinks maybe I ought to move out. Our relationship has been strained for a while, so I know it's not just the cross dressing, but that appears to have been the straw that broke the camel's back.

I've always seen my wife as an open-minded and accepting person, but apparently that only applies to others. She is not comfortable with any alternative choices (choice? did I choose to be this way?) within her own family. She doesn't like the image or connotations it denotes. She, personally, lives a rather conservative lifestyle. (I thought I did too?)

I think what prompted her to bring up the subject was that when she came home last night with my daughter, they both noticed a chair and magazine rack out of place in the living room. She immediately knew I had been taking pictures. (I forgot to put the damn things back!) She was upset and said that by making it obvious what I had been doing, I was "rubbing her nose in it." Also, she noticed a tiny bit of eye liner I failed to wash off and discovered tissues smudged with foundation in the waste paper basket in my own bathroom adjacent to my (home) office. She said if we had someone over and they noticed those things it would cause an embarassing situation. And to top it off. A girlfriend of hers who was over at the house last weekend saw me in shorts and supposedly commented on my shaved legs. My wife said she was tongue tied.

So, between our other stressful issues and the cross dressing, my wife wants me to move out. Maybe it's for the better, but I sure wasn't prepared for this. It's going to break my heart not to see my little girl every day and tuck her in every night. (She said she still wants me to be involved with her - take her to school some mornings, take her to dinner, etc.) My wife and I have been friends since 1978 and have been married since 1996. She says she doesn't want a divorce, she just wants to save a friendship right now and she thinks I need my personal space and privacy. For the issues other than the cross dressing (that will never go away) could this be a chance for a turnaround? Or is it just the beginning of the end?

I'm so very, very sad.

[Julie York]

I have not been in any situation similar but you have my sympathies.

But if you have marriage problems unrelated to your CD life...maybe if you could somehow mend those...you'd have half the fence mended? Maybe get some marriage councelling or something for the other problems and then if the CD stuff comes up, you can even try to deal with that....or get a better understanding of her point of view (and her of yours).?


Good luck anyway.

[Emily Ann Brown]

I don't think moving out is as good as staying in and talking, but I know when the wife and I are apart for a couple of days we really remember why we married and how much we love being with each other. Coin could land either way in your case.

I hope this doesn't sound like betrayal by a sister, but knowing she doesn't want anyone to know and she's not comfortable with it maybe you should be more careful to not give her opportunity to complain. shucks, if my wife knew but would look the other way I would never wear shorts again and take my photos in the garage.

Emily Ann

[Stephenie]

Carson,

I am in a situation some what like your. She hasn't told me to move out yet but she has sugjested that I should think about it. I so far have said that I don't think that it is a good idea nor would it help us as a couple. I am away on egde when we are upset because I know that she might demand I leave because of a small matter that gets to be that last straw. It's hard to feel comfortable in your own home like this. If you have a choice don't leave. Once your out it will be hard to get back together. Try and talk with her and see ifyou can reach some kind of understanding. I know that If I were to leave the chances of getting back together would be very slim. I feel for you sis and hope for the best.

[PaulaJeanette]

Carson,

Sorry to hear about your wife's expression of non-acceptance to your crossdressing. For now, be patient, slowdown, regroup and, most importantly, LISTEN to what she's saying...don't just hear the words!

What she is saying is her truth regardless of whether you believe it is valid or not. Just remember...the objective is to gain her acceptance of your crossdressing. So, therefore, be mindful to address and pay attention to HER concerns and NOT focus only on what you believe is your right to be yourself, specifically, to crossdress.

You've both invested many years in your marriage and you have a daughter that needs both parents. So, work on those areas as well and don't just focus on yourself. Believe me, it is all worth saving!

She knows you crossdress, she has now told you she's not comfortable with it, so don't, as she says...rub her nose in it. There are a few things you could do to HELP YOURSELF gain her tolerance and, hopefully, her acceptance. What you can do is eliminate those barriers leading to her acceptance. For example, make sure to remove ALL your make-up...be extra careful especially in those areas like mascara, eyeliner, etc. Also, don't leave telltale signs that you've been crossdressing, such as moved furniture or tissue with make-up in the waste basket, etc. With regard to her friends that mentioned your shaved legs, wear long pants when she is over or, maybe hold-off on shaving your legs. Basically, be discrete!

I realize this post may be rubbing some of the others the wrong way but what I've found is that gaining acceptance is about both you and your wife finding the WIN-WIN. What that is I can't say...none of us can say...only you and your wife can decide what that is. In the mean time, be patient and don't forget to pay attention to her needs as well as your wants.

Good luck,

Paula J

[carson]

Thank you all for caring and for your input. You all have made valid points and of course, some things I was happier to hear than others. But even if I was uncomfortable with some of the commentary, they were all insightful observations and I must deal with those points whether I like or agree with them or not.

Thanks again. I'll keep you posted.

[michellej]

Oh, my goodness, how hurtfull, I hope things work out in the long run. My thoughts are with the both of you. Not a fun situation to be in. I was there once too, and you brought back sorrow and sadness. I'm happy now, though, and it was time that took care of it. Remember that..... time does cure things, or at least make them not hurt quite as bad. I'm still alive, and glad of it!

[Priscilla1018]

Carson,I am so sorry to hear this.Your last post,everything seemed fine.I have never been in this position and so have no advice to offer,but,both of you are in my thoughts and prayers my friend.

[Mira]

What about moving into another bedroom temporarily? Also, if you do move out, and not seek a divorce, I would bargain with her over counselling. Time apart can help, but you and her need to first and foremost (even above your daughter's needs) agree that the marriage is worth saving and that you both will put forth the necessary effort.

It will be tough on your child during this period, but mommy and daddy need put aside some time to discuss what's going to happen next so no one ends up in divorce court. Maybe she needs her space, maybe you need a dash of understanding, but seeking professional help just might be the catalyst to salvaging 9 years of marraige. I wish you and your family the best.

[tammie]

Hi All: Can u stand one more sugesstion? Maybe she should move out? If she thinks its intolerable then perhaps she needs to leave and think things over. If U move out U concede that U R all wrong. Lacking demonstrable neglect or moral corruption of a minor IE your daughter seeing dad in a negligee U have not done anything to warrant being removed from your home. Suggest this to her, being very careful not to raise your voice. Then in he next breath suggest counceling. She is sure to not want to leave so she will probably be willing to try that. Be prepared to address your fetish, also do not admit to being anything but a stable and loving faithful husband and parent.

[paulaN]

sorry to hear about your situation. As you know the woman always wins. even if you agree to what ever she demands and stay together she has won. I hope the very best for you both. one thing I would do is to never dress at home there is always the chance of leaving that little thing behind unintentionly (sp). go and get a room. or something. have all your stuff locked in a trunk. that is a start. I wish the best for ya. remember were all pullen for ya

[carson]

What about moving into another bedroom temporarily? Also, if you do move out, and not seek a divorce, I would bargain with her over counselling. Time apart can help, but you and her need to first and foremost (even above your daughter's needs) agree that the marriage is worth saving and that you both will put forth the necessary effort.

It will be tough on your child during this period, but mommy and daddy need put aside some time to discuss what's going to happen next so no one ends up in divorce court. Maybe she needs her space, maybe you need a dash of understanding, but seeking professional help just might be the catalyst to salvaging 9 years of marraige. I wish you and your family the best.

Once again,

Michellej, Priscilla, Mira. Thank you all.

To answer your question(s) Mira, our house is rather small. I actually spent about 14 months sleeping on the living room sofa. Not fun. Plus, it's not just that kind of space my wife wants (we haven't been together in almost 3 yrs. - told you things were strained!) anyway, my wife wants me out of the house entirely. At this point, even though I'm in shock over it, I'm thinking it may not be a bad idea. Go to neutral corners so we can see the forest for the trees, so to speak.

And yes, we are setting up an appointment to see a marriage counselor. I think she's sincere when she says she loves me and wants to save our friendship first and then try to get back on track. I certainly agree. All the issues that have caused tension are normal couples stuff I see no reason why we can't get past. But I'm really concerned that the cross dressing will be a stumbling block. True, I must learn how to be very careful and discreet. I really try! She's never caught me in all these years. But now that she knows, I'm at once relieved yet terrified that if I slip up, she'll crucify me!

Most importantly is our daughter. I told my wife we absolutely must talk to therapists or who ever and learn how we're going to present the issue of Daddy not living at home. God, that thought just kills me. My daughter is my greatest joy!

[carson]

Hi Tammie and Paula*

I appreciate you input. No, Tammie, I'm not going to suggest she move out. As much as I love to be with my daughter, she's better off with the ever- present nurturing of her mother and I'm certainly not going to dislodge my daughter from her home.

Paula*, I'd genuinely like to hear how you handle how and where you dress. You see, for me, it's kind of a spontaneous thing. And I also like being dressed when I work (when my wife's not home - I have a home office) so "getting a room" (what, exactly do you mean?) would not feel really right for me. As far as how I store my wardrobe, you bet I've got a locked trunk!

[JoAnnDallas]

Just me two cents worth. Mabey Abstaining for a while, until thing settle down. She now knows, by abstaining, you will not be rubbing it into her nose, so to speak. Mabey thru the consoler, you can bring it up and come to a comprimise.
It also looks like your difference with your wife goes further back than your CDing, so you need to solve those issues first then address your CDing.
I leave thursday to go back to West Virginia to close on the house and move the wife and cats back to here in Plano, TX. So I will be abstaining for a while, since she doesn't know that I am a CD.

[carson]

Must go get my little one from school, I'll respond to posts later. Thank you ALL ever so much!

[umbrellagirl GG]

I just wanted to say I am so sorry you're going through this. The girlfriend's comment on your legs didn't have to be a big deal in my mind. I know would just blow it off had I been in that position - I'd simply say "hmm. Some guys like to shave their legs. Whatever." It's no big deal and none of the friend's business either.

Maybe counseling will help your wife come around to you. If she is going to recommend something as drastic as you moving out, I think she should be open to counseling. A mind is like a parachute - it works best when it is open. I think she needs to be more openminded about your CDing.

I doubt this post helps but I wanted to reply and wish you the best of luck. Painful times are painful. Hopefully you'll come out this with a more solid marriage.

Hugs,

Melody (I'm a gg)

[norbie]

Hi Carson,
just consider it, I would rather call it sad news for both. I think you have a great Lady who is also heart broken. There is the very majority of woman out there who will NEVER understand or accept CD's.
. (She said she still wants me to be involved with her - take her to school some mornings, take her to dinner, etc.) My wife and I have been friends since 1978 and have been married since 1996. She says she doesn't want a divorce, she just wants to save a friendship right now and she thinks I need my personal space and privacy.
In saying this she understands that you will never be able to change. And there is a hurt between the lines....
So my thoughts?
I would move out and would take every oportunity to see her and your girl as often as you can - as a fine Gentleman please.
This is the sad lot of CD's and TG - it will take an other 50 years for society to be educated. Sad but true.
Just my thoughts I wish you well.
Hug from Norbie

[Tristen Cox]

She says she doesn't want a divorce, she just wants to save a friendship right now and she thinks I need my personal space and privacy. For the issues other than the cross dressing (that will never go away) could this be a chance for a turnaround? Or is it just the beginning of the end?

This last part sounds promising. My advice slow down. Talk more with her but don't make it something she 'has' to talk about. This is obviously something she is unsure of how to deal with. The best way is together. No pressure on either side. No selfishness. And remember having a child is her main concern, keep that in mind. Things might be different without that factor, but it is not that way so always try to think from her point of view and concider what she is most afraid of.

Tell me to stfu anytime. Just worried about you.

[ladyjim]

I hope it all works out for you three Carson, I really mean that. You seem like a caring wonderful parent and Im in your corner for what its worth.

[cdaleli]

It is amazing the similarities ... i happen to be going through somewhat of a similar case at this moment. Needless to say, i am sad and somewhat worried because like you, carson, I do not want to loose them. My wife and I are going through this rough spot where my CDing is a cause of worry, we do have other problems, and are trying to work them out. Two nights ago we began a conversation about our feelings and points of views, how we percieved each other and how we were going to fix things between us, how to restart the spark of our marriage. We both ended up crying in various levels, for upsetness, and joyness. We really didn't come up with any solutions to our problems, but I believe that we both made each other think more carefully about our future.
As a side note I must say that my wife knew before we got married 5 years ago, we have been together 8, have two lovely children, and by the time of our 3 date I had told her about my CDing. I think she never really believed me at first, and it was tucked away until recently when she decided to do some research on it and join a support group. Since that moment she started to be a bit more distant from me, and things started to not work properly.
Since sunday things have changed after our cry-fest, I think that some feelings and thoughts needed to be shared and at this moment in time we are trying to work it out, I guess what I am saying is that having a heart to heart moment can be a good thing, but certainly listen to what she has to say, it may take more than one night, but it is the beginning. We have also agreed to seek help and we are both sure that we want to make this work.
If anyhting I wish for the best for you and your family, and wanted to share some hope with you... good luck and keep us posted

[JenniRose]

Make peace with yourself. Once you do that you will know the way to go. Regardless of the way, I, and most of us, wish you only the best!

[ronna]

Lissen to me, Carson,
Here's exactly what you need to do:

You tell your wife that you got her a new 'boy toy' and you're it and that she can do whatever she likes with it.

She can dress you up like a baby and toss you around like a rag doll, but you will be there for her to do with as she wishes.

You have to know how to please them.

disclaimer:
this is just generic advice and not specifically customized for you personally.

[Ava Mouse]

Men are from Mars, Women from Venus

Don't laugh, when I read that book, my parent's failed marriage suddenly made sense. I think MOST marriages fail simply because of the reasons in this book. And reading it helped me strengthen my marriage...

Get it now, read it cover to cover, then take it to your wife. Explain that your marriage is THE most important thing to you, and you're willing to change, go to counseling, WHATEVER it takes...

I can't say whether you'd be willing to give up CDing, that's something you'll have to decide, but if it's like you say, more than CDing that upsets her, then this book will help you...

[carson]

I really am touched and overwhelmed by the outpouring of support. The number of you who have posted since I last had a chance to check in is more than I feel I can properly thank so please just accept a collective :thanks: Many good thoughts and ideas have been expressed which I may use or modify to suit my particular situation and I hope no one will mind if I PM you for a little one on one if I want to pick your brain some more. Thanks again for the love.

[Olivia]

I, too, carson, am so sad to hear about this development. I haven't been there but Ive come close to moving and the thought of leaving my kids behind always pushed me back. You have my sincerest sympathies and concerns girlfriend. I know how much good advice you've been given and you can sort it all out; go slowly, keep your self-esteem intact. Hang in there hard carson, good luck, Olivia.