What did your wife/SO say when...

[laci april]

I've seen so many examples of cders suffering in marriages, denying their real selves. I gotta tell you, being the totally self absorbed cd, genderqueer I am: you deserve all the kudos for unselfish, stand-by-your-girl, suffering sainthood you bring to your 'relationships.' however, you must be litterally kicking holes in your sheets at night. How you can live with a woman who totally denies you expression of your inner self/soul defies my imagination. I suppose if preists deny sex, and people survive in prison, I can understand a cder in a hostile marriage. yeh, I know--the kids. The decisions we make in life! Reminds me of the old joke about finding a woman you don't like and buying her a house...

[VS Fan]

I was too nervous to remember clearly (and it was only two days ago), but there was some nervous laughter (from her)... then something like, "soooo... you actually wear a dress??" It was up and down from there, but in hindsight it is kind of humorous.

VS Fan

[Jocelyn Quivers]

Her initial response was "No way, your kidding right" "There's no way" not in a mean or negative tone. It was just more disbelief there was no way that this masculine man in front of her was actually a cross dresser.

[Veronica S]

Some disbelief at first, with some time going by before we discussed it again. But never a negative or demeaning word, and since then she has been completely supportive. You couldn't ask for better.

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[Darylin]

Well it was a very strange awakening. We had taken a long weekend trip when we were dating and when she was getting dressed in the bathroom, I slipped on a bra under my sweater. I didn't say anything and when we were out in a club, she touched my back and kind of froze for a minute, then she just smiled, kissed me and said let's go back to our room. It was a great night and has been great ever since. I would say she is probably Bi-curious and now gets the best of both worlds, for now anyway. She's still looking to hook up with a girl, hopefully soon. We now go shopping together or my birthday or Christmas gifts are very interesting sometimes.

[Braceletlover]

I thought mine would panic - I was panicking just telling her. Instead, 30 years later she even buys me things. We share outfits occasionally!

[kathleensatin]

When I told my wife, she was shocked and told me that we would talk about it later. That later never came, but an occasional backhanded remark about what "pervert" I was did. About 5 years later, while going through a divorce, she wrote me a letter regarding what a lousy father, breadwinner, husband etc. I was. She also told me she went throught my "attic things" and that it sickened her and that I needed psychiatric help. She told two of her friends about how I would "dress up in women's underwear and get my jollies".

I will most certainly tell and woman about myself before going any farther in a relationship.

Kathleen

[Astera]

Thanks for all the stories. Some of them are quite inspiring. I hope my idea can inspire someone. My experience was about 5 years ago. I showed up in bed wearing some of my wife's lingerie, and when she reached over for me she felt it and said, "What is this?" I told her that I read lingerie can help rekindle a dying sex-life. She laughed and said that she thinks the author meant for the woman to wear it. I just played dumb and said, "Yeah, I guess that would work, too." But my wife so enjoyed it, I am allowed to keep my legs shaven and wear lingerie and stockings with her. She found a dress of mine, but thought that was weird, so I keep that part of my dressing hidden.

[Adelaide]

My wife got so pissed off you wouldn't believe. She burned my wig, got rid of my make-up, packed my clothes and brought them to the Salvation Army. She threatened me that she would divorce me if I get dressed again.

I had to re-purchase everything over again....she still doesn't know I CD again...as this is who I am...

Not an easy situation...

A.

[Rachel_Red]

Funny thing is it was my fiance that suggested it. Well in all reality she felt that I had a strong femside and after a few months playing around and bonding with it lead to CDing. I've never gone out but perhaps when all the bits fall into place I will.

[Mindymaycd]

During the dating phase of our relationship I introduced lingerie into the the bedroom during our intimate moments. That went O.K. for over ten years into the marriage. About a year ago I was stressed from work and I needed to dress and take it to a new level. I took my wife out and explained to her that it was much more than just the lingerie. I explained to her that I could not change it if I wanted and now have come to accept that this is part of who I am. I told her of famous people that were also CD's and told her I had no intentions of letting friends of Family know about it. I gave her all the information that I knew about the subject and informed her the best I could.

She said she understood and said she would do her best to understand and work with it. I started to purchase clothing, make up and wigs. I did things at a pace that I thought she would be o.k. with and asked her before taking each step further in fem. land.

So things are good and we have a good understanding, each week she is more supportive and understanding. I think the most important thing I communicated was that I I had to do this, it was not a choice. She understood this and did not try to change me just asked that I be with her. What a gal

[dawn-sussex]

She sort of went ooooohh! After a few days she pronounced that whatever I wanted to do might be ok if she was out but she wanted no involvement and didn't want to see me!

[Amanduhrob]

I met my wife at a Munch, so it wasn't surprising to her when I told her the first follow up conversation after the event.

[SweetHailey]

My fiance mostly just asked questions. Some I could answer, some I couldn't. She mostly just said (and still does) "I just don't understand." I told her that's fine, and normal and told her I would be open and honest and help her to understand in any way I could.
Once she was reassured that I wasn't leaving her she said, "Well I love you and you can obviously do whatever you want and don't need my permission, but just remember that if you do it, it's for you, and not me."
We're still getting married, so I think everything will be alright.

[sarah_tx]

When I first started dating my wife, I kept telling her, "I have issues, you probably won't like me for much longer." That kept up until things started getting more serious.

One afternoon I pointed her towards a box in the closet and said, "Well, we need to deal with that sooner or later, wanna get it over with?" I emptied the box on the bed and said, "Babe, I've got quite a taste for the frilly things." She said, "That's it? Oh thank god."

We went shopping the next day.

[Kiera79]

What did your wife or SO say when you told her that you are a cross dresser? Has your perception of what she said changed with time?

I told my wife about me on our second date. What did she say? "Wow! Do you have cool clothes?" It is no wonder that I love her so much.

That was four years ago. I have come to realize that she is warmly understanding and very supportive. She immediately accepted the dressing as part of who I am and kept right on developing our relationship with that as an added dimension.

What did your wife or SO say? I am not asking how has your relationship developed; just what was her initial reaction?

Mine SO was shocked and laughed about it. I am in a relationship where I do the cooking (sometimes), cleaning and taking care of my two boys. So why not dress in front of her. She pays no attention to it now as she knows it's part of me. She gives me advice and everything.

[lavistaa62]

After considering all the advice and experience of those here I told my wife. Her reaction was shock- not to the announcement but that I was making it. She's very intelligent and perceptive so I'd assumed she'd figured it out already but she insisted she had no idea whatsoever. All the better, in my view, to disclose myself to her before suspicion set in or worse yet inadvertent discovery had occurred. She really appreciated the trust I'd placed in her. The announcement and subsequent demonstration seemed way more nerve racking for me than her. Other than shaving and remaining trim, I've never done makeup or really made in effort at feminization so I was really scared about her reaction to my appearance. So one day down and we'll see how it goes from here.

[KayC]

Honesty is the best policy IMHO, good luck as you both work this out together!

[Brianna in Hose]

I used this past Halloween to tell my fiance'. I surprised her Halloween night when she came home and I was completely dressed. She was completely caught off guard and was kind of disturbed by it. When went out and when we got home we didn't say to much, I just got undressed and then we went to bed. Then Sunday afternoon we started talking about the night before about the way I was dressed and she said that I seemed to enjoy myself and the 4" heels I wore. I asked her what was the big deal about guys who wanted to wear woman's clothes. What got me was she said that she would be more understanding of me dressing like that for Halloween if I wasn't her fiance'. She made another comment and I asked what she would do if she found out that her fiance' or husband was a crossdresser. She said I would just depend. So I asked her what if I was a crossdresser. She told me that she loved me and that wouldn't change. So I proceed to tell her everything. Her answer was that after the initial conversation she didn't want to hear about it and didn't want to see it. And didn't EVER want our future kids to find out.

The end result was that she wants me to see if I can quit by the time that we get married. She wants me to try go a month to without crossdressing to start. She also told me that I can wear pantyhose because she doesn't consider wearing hose crossdressing. I wrote her a note trying to explain what I couldn't tell her and listed a website that I wanted her to visit to try to understand me better. I hope that doesn't come back to bite me.

[JulieC]

The end result was that she wants me to see if I can quit by the time that we get married. She wants me to try go a month to without crossdressing to start. She also told me that I can wear pantyhose because she doesn't consider wearing hose crossdressing. I wrote her a note trying to explain what I couldn't tell her and listed a website that I wanted her to visit to try to understand me better. I hope that doesn't come back to bite me.

DANGER DANGER Brianna!

You can't quit, as I'm sure you know. Your fiance is asking you to actively repress part of you. This isn't going to work, not the way she wants it to work.

Come to some other agreement. She doesn't accept crossdressing, fine. She doesn't want to see it or hear about it, fine. But, don't expect you to stop crossdressing. Keep your stuff, and dress when you can and she is not around.

Find some other way than you quitting, because you quitting isn't going to work.

Major, major kudos to you for telling her BEFORE you got married. You have saved yourself and her a ton of grief. It might cause the end of your engagement, but better that than a divorce.

[lavistaa62]

Placing conditions on acceptance would more scary to me than absolute rejection. Maybe it's just the black and white guy mode of thinking but if my SO had been conditional I would have wondered what would have happened in the future when something else objectionable to person cropped up and what level of control I could accept before forfeiting the relationship. Tough calls.

[KayC]

I'm sorry, her initial response wasn't what you'd hoped for, but then again, it's not what she was expecting from you either. It will take her some time to get used to all of this. Be careful if you direct her to this site that you steer her to the loved ones section and have her apply to the FAB section asap...help her know how to get her ten posts in and apply. (When I first came to this site, some of it scared me.) Once she gets to the FAB section, that will help a lot, as there are other GGs like herself who've been there that she can relate to, we can help her with questions. Maybe instead of trying to make an agreement with her at this time, it'd be better to focus on answering questions/educating her about it. She needs time for this to sink in. She also needs to know what this is about, and that you didn't ask for it or choose it, but it is who you are and it's not something you can just give up. My heart goes out to you, hang in there and try not to be too discouraged. At least you were honest with her, does she understand how hard that was for you?

[AKAMichelle]

She asked all of the usual questions, but do you want a sex change the most. Initially is was bad, but it continued to spiral downward. Now there is almost no communication in the marriage because we don't talk about the white elephant in the room.

[Joni T]

Before we got married I told her and her response was "Let me see". In 2 weeks we will celebrate anniversary number 23.
Joni

[jenifer wilde]

my girlfreind at the time, thought it was cool but it went completly downhill from then. now i can't date without telling them somewhat upfront