Need To Tell My Story

[JennaDesire]

I need to get this out as I have been keeping a lot inside of me for the last 2 months. Sorry if this gets long, I have a lot to say. I need something here, not sure what though. I have(or was) been a crossdressers for years. I am married with 3 beautiful children for 15 years. For most of my life, I kept my dressing to the bear essentials. However, over the last 2 years I discovered what it was like to be a complete woman, shaving the hole body, wigs, full makeup and fake breasts. It was fulfilling. That is when the problems started. My wife confronted me about this after finding my stuff. Wanted me out of the house. I was able to get through that with a big fat lie by telling her it would not happen again. I started seeing a therapist but deep down I new it would never leave me. I got more into being Jenna, but always in secret. Got confronted again about a year ago and again told some lies to get out of it. Over this summer I had an experience that I will never forget. I was alone in my house for 2 weeks. For the first time I was able to fully live as Jenna. I went all out. Outfits, high heels, fake nails, fully shaved, the works. I really was a woman! I even went out shopping in public, what a rush! I was so happy it was amazing! I was also very sexual with myself with toys, which was also incredible. However after 4 days of this I had a terrible guilt that I could not live with. I went crazy and threw everything out, including my soul. Pictures that I had, all gone. I was ok with this for a while. When I got back to my family(they were in Italy) I felt great. But the questions from my wife started again as she noticed that I had shaved. Again, I could not tell her what went on. The reason for this is if I do tell her my marriage would be over, no questions asked. Fast forward to the present day, 2 months later and I am in a state of confusion. I miss my life as Jenna terribly and want to go back, but I know that I cannot do this without telling my wife. It hurts me. I cannot sleep at night and I do not feel like myself. I have been unable to find a therapist that I feel comfortable with. What do I do? Am I living a lie? Do I need to be Jenna? The confusion has me so out of synch it is hard to explain. Help!!!!!!!!!

[Cathytg]

I wonder how many of us have the same kinds of storys. I wish I could snap my fingers and make your life easier.

You are not asking for anything unreasonable and, as you now know, you are not going to simply "get over it" My only suggestion is for you to keep talking to your wife. On the one hand tell her how important she and the kids are in your life. Tell her how much she attracts you; make her see how feminine and wonderful she is to you. But at the same time, try to get her to tell you what her problem with your dressing really is. She needs to be able to verbalize the truth about it to you and to herself. Do not debate it; do not argue it. It is her perception and reactions and, as such, they are completely valid and honest. I do not know what to do with it, but I do know that a problem named is a problem that can be dealt with.

You have my best wishes.

[Levea]

Firstly i am so sorry that you must hide part of yourself from your family. Secondly, I think that hiding Jenna shoulnt be the main issue, you cannot deny who you are and what you enjoy to do. I think the main issue is the guilt.
You are doing nothing wrong! i can understand your wife not wanting you to dress around the kids or even around her, thats all about boundries and respect. But i do think it is wrong for her to force u to try and be someone your not, or someone that is unhappy.
Enjoying a different lifestyle isnt wrong or werid, its just that...different. If you both truely want to make this work you may need to visit a therapist together ( if shes willing ) and set some mutal boundaries.
But to continue to deny who you are will just hurt the relationship more. If she wants to be with you she needs to learn she has married all of you, not just the parts she wishes to select. and if it comes to a time or decision that she doesnt wish to be with you then you must realize that it is for the better. Be you and try to be happy...noone else can do that for u
best of luck, you truly need it.

[Dana]

Firstly i am so sorry that you must hide part of yourself from your family. Secondly, I think that hiding Jenna shoulnt be the main issue, you cannot deny who you are and what you enjoy to do. I think the main issue is the guilt.
You are doing nothing wrong! i can understand your wife not wanting you to dress around the kids or even around her, thats all about boundries and respect. But i do think it is wrong for her to force u to try and be someone your not, or someone that is unhappy.
Enjoying a different lifestyle isnt wrong or werid, its just that...different. If you both truely want to make this work you may need to visit a therapist together ( if shes willing ) and set some mutal boundaries.
But to continue to deny who you are will just hurt the relationship more. If she wants to be with you she needs to learn she has married all of you, not just the parts she wishes to select. and if it comes to a time or decision that she doesnt wish to be with you then you must realize that it is for the better. Be you and try to be happy...noone else can do that for u
best of luck, you truly need it.

You are wise beyond your years!

[DanaR]

Exactly what Levea said, but the real key is your wife. You'll have to be honest and it will depend on your relationship with her. She will have difficulty with you if you continue to lie to her. Whatever you decide to do, find a therapist that has some experience with crossdressers, and go; even if it is by yourself.

[Sarah Michelle]

I share your pain as I'm sure many if not most here do. Danar says find a therapist preferably one with experience with CDs. She's right. Years of self-sabotage, years of hurting others with my behaviour, distant from my parents and my children, diagnosed with relationship issues [wonder why]; two therapists, a pyschologist and a psychiatrist couldn't reach me because they didn't know how to open the doors I had locked.
I always knew that Mr. Macho was my act and I did it well. My pyschiatrist said there was nothing wrong with me, I was just an a$%hole by nature. I can't deny who I am. I doubt you will be able to either.
As was said in another post; protect your children, respect the boundaries and pray that the love of your life supports you.

[Bobbie Bee]

Nicely put everyone. Living a lie has got to be tough on the individual and being forced to lie hurts the relationship. I started dressing a few months ago and I have not revealled this to my wife. Of course I have not been discovered yet. But, I'm dying inside; I found that I love dressing. It's exciting, sexy and enriching. I feel very different inside and out. I, too, have to let my partner know soon because it's getting harder to contain. Jenna, I wish you luck and much happiness.

[Sandra]

Seems you've been here before

I have(or was) been a crossdressers for years. I am married with 3 beautiful children for 15 years. For most of my life, I kept my dressing to the bear essentials. However, over the last 2 years I discovered what it was like to be a complete woman, shaving the hole body, wigs, full makeup and fake breasts. It was fulfilling. That is when the problems started. My wife confronted me about this after finding my stuff. Wanted me out of the house. I was able to get through that with a big fat lie by telling her it would not happen again. I started seeing a therapist but deep down I new it would never leave me. I got more into being Jenna, but always in secret. Got confronted again about a year ago and again told some lies to get out of it.

So that's twice that you've lied to her there's no wonder she's like she is. Perhaps if you'd come clean then maybe things might be a bit different.

So what do you do? either come clean and sit down and have a dam good heart to heart with or, carry on as you are? I know which one I'd choose and it's not the last.

Talk to her explain how you feel, please don't lie anymore to her.

**EDIT**

Maybe tell her that we have a forum here just for SOs, where she can discuss her feelings and get some advice and support from other GGs

[mklinden2010]

>>Got confronted again about a year ago and again told some lies to get out of it. Over this summer I had an experience that I will never forget. I was alone in my house for 2 weeks. For the first time I was able to fully live as Jenna. I went all out. Outfits, high heels, fake nails, fully shaved, the works. I really was a woman! I even went out shopping in public, what a rush! I was so happy it was amazing! I was also very sexual with myself with toys, which was also incredible. However after 4 days of this I had a terrible guilt that I could not live with. I went crazy and threw everything out, including my soul.


"I was really a woman!"

Really? How so?

Do you nipples hurt a few days every month? Do you have to hide your bloody underwear under the other clothes until wash day? Do you cramp up and feel ill every so often? Are you paid less "because you're a woman?" Do you get no peace when trying to dine alone at a restaurant because men want to "just have a word?" (Yeah, right!)

The truth is it seems you're really a crossdresser, and, the type of crossdresser who (at this time at least) enjoys the fantasy of being a woman, having sex in the clothing and position very common to "the woman's role," and, you have discovered many of the physical buttons that can be pressed to achieve a different kind and amount of sexual satisfaction. You are on fire!

And, that's all. And, it's a fire that blows hotter and colder. But, the point is this is all you and what you've managed to do with yourself as time and opportunity allows. You haven't opened the gates of hell, undermined the US currency, or, caused any year long solar eclipses.

But, having discovered all that you have, you're not going to go back to not doing this sort of thing - barring now and then, or, NEVER doing it again. And, having seen the first steps of many paths at this fork in the road, you'll either try "Just a few steps, what could it hurt?" or, you'll try to stop - and forever torture yourself over "temptations."

Look, take the cap off the radiator, slow down, and explain to the other people on this trip with you (life) what you've been doing, how little and how much it's affecting things, and, what you think you need to be doing about it. Give them a chance to understand that plans may be changing "by necessity" and that everyone will need to make some adjustments. Admit that you have done some things wrong, and, that you've tried too long to keep going fast while ignoring the warning signs - like the knocking from the engine and the wisps of steam.

Get some accurate information out in front of the people involved and work it out together. There's really no need to wind up leaving the car in a ditch somewhere when you can, with a little effort, continue your trip (life/lives) without any real upset. Unwisely keeping to an unworkable plan (schedule/map) is what it going to mess things up. Making sensible adjustments is in everyone's best interests.

So, for the present - admit to the problem this is causing you - and be sure to explain that "a problem for Pa is a problem for Ma", read some more books, shop for a helpful thearapist, and, explain about the need and wisdom of "letting the steam out of all this." Your wife, and other people would rather figure out a solution with you than argue anxiously about what "the" problem is. The problem isn't crossdressing or sex, it's the confusion, the lying, the guilt, and the uncertainty.

Read the first part of what type of crossdresser you are... You may be of another stripe, you may not. But, whatever you are, it's what you do, what you enjoy, and a part of your future. Fine. Manage to live with it happily - "Dressed night is the second Tuesday of any month I chose to do it." - and others will most likely let things work out. As you go about this, fess up to the time it's taking away from things you could be/should be doing and work harder at meeting those obligations.

Bottom line, the time you don't waste worrying and hiding is time that can be put into doing more things that need to be done to make everyone's life better around there.

Use your time and energy for better things - all things considered for everybody. Your life, nobody's life, is an "either/or" proposition. If it is, you're constantly torn between "this," or, "that" when neither is really satisfactory. Life is better lived with several choices at every point, negotiated outcomes, and some stability that won't be upset by "huge surprises."

Back to the car trip analogy... Many small bumps in the road, now and then, is preferable to driving in the dark to a washed out bridge.... If the trip is not what you (all) started out to do, take into account that things change and make some new plans in the time you have (in life) and the choices that are really there that can be voted on. Happy is as happy does.

Good luck and good living.

[Kayla Shadows]

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this.I know how difficult it can be.There just comes a time when we have to be honest with ourselves and who we are.I'll tell ya it takes a lot.When your finally honest with yourself,you have to be honest with others.That is the scary part.Who's gonna be there and who's not,we don't know but, we have to do what's right for us.
I was with a girl a few years back for about 8 years.I didn't get a chance to dress much and did my best to forget about it.One thing we learn is,no matter how far you run your never gonna get away from yourself.I tried hard though.I threw everything away and tried to eliminate any trace.You come to realize that,even with nothing,there is still your heart.I lived so tormented.
We are faced with incredible decisions.One of the biggest came for me last year.I was trying to begin life again with someone new.I had some things stashed in a box that I was going to try on Halloween a few years back but couldn't.DD and I were together now and I was trying to get the courage to do it that Halloween.Never happened though.Eventually she started asking questions and I knew this time was gonna be it,its gotta come out.What was gonna happen I don't know but,I need to be honest for the both of us.I had lots of thinking to do..and that came to,I love you so much,whether you stay or leave,I was honest.This is who I am even if you hate me..but,atleast in the end I was honest.Well,she started questioning and I'm sure had a pretty good idea of what I was about with the way I am.After I said yes to allowing her to dress me and my very jokingly "no,I've never done this before" answer to if I dressed before,yeah,she knew.Now it was just time for me to say it.I just happened to be very lucky and she is a wonderful,accepting person.It just didn't stop that I ended up not being able to handle the transexual feelings when I allowed myself to be myself.That and other issues really did me in.I couldn't dig up how I felt about anything emotionally for some time.Fading and fading and no way to save me.
I just wanted to share that with you.I can imagine your feelings.We know that sometimes with only a few words the world can change forever though our eyes.I hope she tries to understand if you do come out to her.I've seen good advice here and wish the best for all of your lives.

[Holly]

Relationships built on lies have little, if any, chance of survival. You've had at least a year to take some steps to repair your relationship and evidently felt it not worth your effort. Lying to your wife has become second nature to you. And please spare me the, "I'm doing this to protect her" excuses. That is just lame. You said during the two weeks your famly was gone that you felt like a real woman. Well, honey, a real woman is honest and truthful with her partner. A real woman isn't afraid to put her feelings and emotions out there for her partner to see and to respond to. A real woman is proud of who she is and bares no shame in being herself. I'm thinking you have a way to go. If you want to be Jenna, then stand up for her. Don't lie about it.

[Stephanie Michelle]

This is no different than alot of us. I hust got devorced after 23 years with my wife. She was OK with the crossdressing, but also used it against me when she got mad. Over the past couple of years I like you have been wanting more than the occasional couple of hours of dressing. I am 52 years old and now on my own. We divorced for reasons other than my crossdressing.

Over the past month I have dressed almost everynight when I get home. It is wonderful. It feels RIGHT. Woud I trade that in for my marrige? NO because life alone even dressed is still alone. I would hope there could be a happy medium for us girls.. For some there is for others it is torment. We each have to find what will work for not only us but for the SO, wife, kids, familys. That is a lot of personalities to deal with about a subject that is still concidered wrong by most of society.

This is not about you winning the right to cressdress or your wife winning for you not to crossdress. It is about sharing a part of you that she does not know, but has always been there. Just beause she might find out doesn't change who you are.

I wish you the best with your wife. I think at this point you cannot keep lying to her. It is only going to cause a wedge between you causng more damage. Find a way to get communicate to her about your crossdressing.

Stephanie Michelle

[suchacutie]

I'm so sorry that your life has gotten this difficult. There is much advice above but let me add a practical note.

No one can throw you out of your house. Having a feminine side is not a crime and your wife is not physically threatened by it. The only reason to leave is if you feel that bodily harm might come to you, and at that point a lawyer should be your immediate next stop because the threat of bodily harm is assault. Remember, you have rights as well.

May all go as smoothly as possible, but be true and open. No matter how hard it gets, it will be easier than living a lie.

tina

[Sheila]

I replied to you on here [SIZE="3"]26 th OCT[/SIZE] last year in the thread Sandra pointed out

You lie, and you lie and you lie some more and in doing so you are forcing your wife to live a lie ............... rarely these days do I come down hard on folks that don't tell their partners before marriage, I have lived with the community now for four years and have tempered my responses with a deal more compassion than I did in my early days on here, but for you I will make an exception

I was able to get through that with a big fat lie by telling her it would not happen again. I started seeing a therapist but deep down I new it would never leave me.

Got confronted again about a year ago and again told some lies to get out of it.

When I got back to my family(they were in Italy) hen I got back to my family(they were in Italy) I felt great. But the questions from my wife started again as she noticed that I had shaved. Again, I could not tell her what went on. The reason for this is if I do tell her my marriage would be over, no questions asked.

You had better find some way to talk this through with her, because if she catches you again, you will not be able to lie your way out if it that easily. and I for one will give you no sympathy if your wife decides she wants to end your marriage, that might be bloody harsh, but I hate lies and I hate liars and you are lying continually, once I can give you the benefit of the doubt on, but to continue to lie and then to come here and ask for sympathy and understanding for it is beyond belief

I think that hiding Jenna shoulnt be the main issue, you cannot deny who you are and what you enjoy to do. I think the main issue is the guilt.

I disagree, the main issue is the OP has lied and lied to his wife, not just from the get go, (which I can understand to a degree), but then continues to lie and lie ............ no wonder he feels guilt, I would as well if I was lying that much

You are doing nothing wrong!

Sorry but he is, he is lying and lying and lying

If she wants to be with you she needs to learn she has married all of you, not just the parts she wishes to select.

she didn't have the chance to say no before they married because the OP did not tell her , the OP already admits to doing this most of his life, did he tell her before marriage NO, did he continued to lie to her after marriage YES .......... perhaps the OP who did not give her the choice in the beginning needs to learn to live with her choice not to want CDing as a part of her life, in other words he needs to learn to live with all of his wife, after all she didn't have the chance to select whether she wanted to be with a CDER or not

[sherri52]

Hi Jenna: What you have here is a delema that many of us have had to face. Some of the members faired very well and others not so well. To live without Jenna could cause serious damage inside of you. On the other hand with Jenna could cause your marriage. If it is possible try to explain this to your wife always putting her and your children. Secondly try to get to a marriage councilor where both of you can go together. I am divorced twice therefore I am not a good example to help you keep your marriage, but I do wish you well in that aspect. No one here can tell you what your wife will do in any situation. Every person is different and will act according to thier own beliefs and upbringing. If you know of any relatives that you can confide in that might help (not side with but help) that might also be a way to go. Good luck

[KarenCDFL]

Wow, so many different reactions to the original poster.

Jenna better hide all of the sharp objects and hide from all the "Nancy Graces" who answered this posting.

I told my ex-wife and my current wife about my dressing way before we got married. My first marriage did not hold together and the dressing was a factor and luckily my second marriage is going on 15 years now and my wife is more than super cool with it.

The bottom line is this, You are a CD that feels repressed and you also love your wife and want to hold your marriage and family life together.

You had a moment of freedom that let all of your feminine feelings rush out and the so-called pink fog enveloped you.

You said you finally feel like a woman. Maybe not biologically accurate but I can definitely understand the incredible feeling that being "Free and feminine" can give you.

Yes lying to her does suck, but I can understand it. Talk about being pulled apart in two different directions. Making yourself feel and look as you need to and yet feeling you can't trust your wife and possibly lose the future of your marriage.

One thing you will have to do is somehow join your feelings with letting your wife know while trying to keep your life from shredding apart.

All I can suggest is to find a very good family therapist who has worked with gender issues. Go interview a few, most offer a first short free consult. When you find a therapist that you feel you can trust and communicate with, have a few sessions and then bring your wife in with you.

Things still may not work out but having that trained third person helping the both of you would really be a start in the right direction.


I wish both of you luck and peace.

[Sheila]

Jenna better hide all of the sharp objects and hide from all the "Nancy Graces" who answered this posting.

"Nancy Graces"

can you explain that bit for us please, I do not understand what you are saying here being a Brit, it sort of gets lost in translation

[Lorileah]

can you explain that bit for us please, I do not understand what you are saying here being a Brit, it sort of gets lost in translation

Ultra conservative, borish, and highly opinionated (usually incorrectly) talk show host who has been in trouble for the death of one of her guests (supposedly...note that I said supposedly) by driving her to suicide. Possibly involved with the death of a fiance (once again no proof) and rebuked for taking legal proceedings and making them a mockery. Other than that she is just pretty much a talking head on CNN.

Now in re: OP. Once again I am confused as to why this is difficult? You either want to keep your wife and marriage, or you don't so you need to work with her and find something that works. If you love her and she loves you, you can work so both of you are happy together. IF she does not love you (or you her) then it is time to move on. Life is too short to play silly games. You are not happy, she evidently isn't happy with you. Are you willing to work this out? Remember those two weeks were just that two weeks. If you got your wish and got to dress anytime you wanted, how long before you tired of that and wanted her back? I doubt it would work the other way. She most likely won't want you back as she has already made that evident by giving you an ultimatum before.

See I learn well from those talking heads on TV.

[Sheila]

Ultra conservative, borish, and highly opinionated (usually incorrectly) talk show host who has been in trouble for the death of one of her guests (supposedly...note that I said supposedly) by driving her to suicide. Possibly involved with the death of a fiance (once again no proof) and rebuked for taking legal proceedings and making them a mockery. Other than that she is just pretty much a talking head on CNN.

so any idea what KarenCDFL meant by her comment then, and who the comment was directed at ?

[Sandra]

If she wants to be with you she needs to learn she has married all of you, not just the parts she wishes to select.

Sorry but this makes me a little And why should his wife be all accepting if it's something she can't do? Not everyone is as accepting as some of the GGs , and it's not her that needs to learn it's him.

[Tamara Croft]

If she wants to be with you she needs to learn she has married all of you, not just the parts she wishes to select.

Seriously? How can you even say that? Did you even bother READING any of the other posts? Like.. for example, that he didn't disclose that he was a CROSSDRESSER BEFORE MARRIAGE... so why the hell should she accept that part when she didn't even bloody know about it in the first place hmm? She doesn't need to do anything, her husband is a liar... or should she accept that part of him to eh? Jesus effing Christ... get real already

[Lorileah]

so any idea what KarenCDFL meant by her comment then, and who the comment was directed at ?

One would hope they she is just making the point that this is a volatile issue and that certain people (like Lorileah) will go off on a raging tangent with just emotions and no facts

I don't think it was directed at anyone specific, but I was wrong once before.

[JennaDesire]

So much aggression! But easily understood as I am a liar...I have admitted that in my posts. What you are not understanding is that I do not want to lose my wife and children. I lied without realizing the damage it would cause. My wife will not accept my dressing. If I tell her about it I am out, no questions asked. I am not defending my lying, just trying to reach out and get some opinions and feelings. I am not looking for sympathy!!!!!! I am in a bad situation and I was just looking for friends. I am happy to get all kinds of feedback good and bad, but please, do not think I am looking for sympathy. I created my situation. I did not choose to be a crossdresser, it is a part of me. There is no balance in my situation. Either I dress and try to hide it, or dress and tell her. If that is the case, game over and marriage over. I hope somebody understands this. I am trying to protect my wife believe it or not. She was mortified and full of hatred when she found out. That I have no doubt about.

[Sheila]

I am trying to protect my wife believe it or not. She was mortified and full of hatred when she found out. That I have no doubt about.

so you think lying to your wife is protecting her .......... but the bit highlighted speaks more of protecting you than her ........... give her the truth, let her decide how to protect her, it may not be in your best interests though which is why you don't, so it's not about protecting her it's about protecting you

[alexis GG]

I did not choose to be a crossdresser, it is a part of me.

No maybe you didn't chose to be a cd'er but you certainly chose to lie about it to the one you said vows to... Yes you are living a lie but I guess you know this cos you just think that its ok to keep lying... you are one of those guys that is so selfish and thinks the world revolves around him and him only... WELL WAKE UP ... There is more than you in this world... If your wife walked out and left you then I would applaud her... I would not want to base my life around a lying **** like you... a relationship is built on trust, that is something you obviously do not know about .. I am so glad I do not know you ,,,, My heart goes out to your wife, if you have one, for putting up with a worthless piece of scum like you

You should do your wife a favour and leave her... then file for divorce, because she deserves better than you