I need to get this out as I have been keeping a lot inside of me for the last 2 months. Sorry if this gets long, I have a lot to say. I need something here, not sure what though. I have(or was) been a crossdressers for years. I am married with 3 beautiful children for 15 years. For most of my life, I kept my dressing to the bear essentials. However, over the last 2 years I discovered what it was like to be a complete woman, shaving the hole body, wigs, full makeup and fake breasts. It was fulfilling. That is when the problems started. My wife confronted me about this after finding my stuff. Wanted me out of the house. I was able to get through that with a big fat lie by telling her it would not happen again. I started seeing a therapist but deep down I new it would never leave me. I got more into being Jenna, but always in secret. Got confronted again about a year ago and again told some lies to get out of it. Over this summer I had an experience that I will never forget. I was alone in my house for 2 weeks. For the first time I was able to fully live as Jenna. I went all out. Outfits, high heels, fake nails, fully shaved, the works. I really was a woman! I even went out shopping in public, what a rush! I was so happy it was amazing! I was also very sexual with myself with toys, which was also incredible. However after 4 days of this I had a terrible guilt that I could not live with. I went crazy and threw everything out, including my soul. Pictures that I had, all gone. I was ok with this for a while. When I got back to my family(they were in Italy) I felt great. But the questions from my wife started again as she noticed that I had shaved. Again, I could not tell her what went on. The reason for this is if I do tell her my marriage would be over, no questions asked. Fast forward to the present day, 2 months later and I am in a state of confusion. I miss my life as Jenna terribly and want to go back, but I know that I cannot do this without telling my wife. It hurts me. I cannot sleep at night and I do not feel like myself. I have been unable to find a therapist that I feel comfortable with. What do I do? Am I living a lie? Do I need to be Jenna? The confusion has me so out of synch it is hard to explain. Help!!!!!!!!!