O.k., so about 2 weeks ago I performed stand-up comedy for the first time as Violet. It was fun, but now a lot of people who didn't know about me before certainly do now. I go there this week, and the guy who runs the night has been telling a LOT of people. He's totally accepting, but it's like a new experience for him and he's kinda taken it upon himself to "champion the cause" so now he's telling everyone. I have mixed emotions about this:
On the one hand, I like the idea of being out to everyone, and would LOVE the opportunity to pursue standup comedy as Violet. I would love to be free enough to be Violet as often as I like in public (which is growing more and more, I feel like Dr. Jekyl toward the end of the story)
But on the other hand, my being out has taken a life of its own and its kind of scary to lose control. I just found out last night that my boss on my last job knew about me and had wish I'd come out to him. I'm now certain that more people know than I am aware. It's like I'm trying to get a cart full of heavy rocks down a hill, but I lose my grip and now it's accumulating speed. It's going where I wanted to go, but at this speed I'm nervous that it might take a wrong turn and do some damage. You follow me? Now if things, do go awry in some horrible way, I am perfectly aware that I have brought these things on myself. What does it say that I was willing to take that risk? Am I being brave or self-destructive?
Just can't help but wonder what this is going to mean for me, and what my life will be like a year from now?