It is a complicated question, and almost impossible to answer objectively, at least for me. There have been times in my life when I have wanted nothing more than to leave crosdressing behind and live the "normal" married life, and did, twice, for a while. Especially my first marriage. And there were also plenty of other times when I purged and thought I was happy, whether I was single or in a relationship. When I finally gained full acceptance, after almost 44 years of living, I knew then that I was never truly happy and at peace before, because the difference was so incredible, in every facet of my life. It's funny, I dress now, sometimes a few times a week, sometimes not for a month or more. But frequency matters less now than the fact that it's ok. There's my makeup basket, right there in the bathroom. There's my girl closet, door wide open. There have been periods in my life when I have dressed almost every day, maybe to an obsessive level. Like I was chasing something, perhaps. But there was always the guilt and fear, the mortifying embarrassment when someone found out.Feeling like I was somehow less deserving of respect, that this was somehow wrong, even though it made me feel so right.
So now that I have accepted who I am, and feel so incredibley lucky and special to be able to experience the part of me that is truly female, and don't care at all who knows, It's a slam dunk-answer #1, right? Not so fast. Some of the truest words ever spoken are, "ignorance is bliss". To never, ever have experienced the complications? The embarrassment? The crying? The Why me's? The lost relationships? The fact that it made me less than my potential could be while I was denying, or not fully accepting? OR on the other hand, the incredible peace, the feeling of serenity, The feeling that this is a part of me? The knee buckling feeling when you feel and look your feminine best? The people I have met here? The ones I hope to become personal friends with in the future? That feminine part of me that I know makes me a better overall person, in male OR female mode? The way my life has improved and the happiness I feel now that I know who and what I am, for better or worse? It's a whole life experience. Good. Bad. Really ugly sometimes. An experience that, with a little maturity and self awareness, has the potential for a happy ending.
But Ignorance IS bliss, and the happiness, without the pain, could have come earlier.
On the other hand, Ignorance is also hostility, hatred, bigotry, lack of empathy, and intolerance, and knowing what I know now, I would never want to be a part of that. Now, I grew up in a pretty opened minded family, so maybe that would not have happened to me.
The truth is, I do feel lucky. And special. I know this isn't easy, and there will continue to be challenges. It is for me, a very difficult question, which is why I've rambled on for so long.(sorry, everyone!).
But I, given the choice today, choose to be the person I have worked hard to love, and who has experienced and learned much, good and bad, and that person is me. #1. No reservations. But maybe a little reflection on how it might be.
Hugs,
Melissa
before we got married. Hugs Krystal.
(I would just like to start much earlier in my life, though, please maam, please)[/size]
do over?
Originally Posted by Julie Marie
