Sorry to hear about your wife's negative feelings, Kim.
Even though my wife accepts/tolerates my dressing, sometime I feel like it still comes between us at times. This is mainly due to the fact that I would dress more often if I could. So, that desire to dress against my desire to please her often comes in conflict.
I can empathize with you, though.
I think I recall something from not too long ago that you had posted about having some time off, so I'm going to be a bit of a jerk about this. Seems to be my week for it anyway.
Have you asked yourself lately where you stand on the all important issue of balance between your needs and your wife's needs? You both have them. Has there maybe been "too much Kim" lately? I'm sure at one point you both were fine with everything. Has your envelope maybe gotten bigger, and she's resenting that what used to be "us" time is becoming more "you" time?
I agree with the general sentiment of what other have said in this thread about counting your blessings, appreciating what you have and being attentive to your wife's needs. But on the other hand, who says that wives are the only ones who get to have their "moods"? Sometimes a jab can just hit us the wrong way too. After all, one of our CD traits is heightened sensitivity, which works both ways.
Knowing me, I'd probably just fume about the remark for a few days, but if I were more mature I should say something like, "Look honey, I know the idea of me dressing or getting 'naughty' on Halloween threatens you and I don't really have any intentions of putting you in that situation. I was just thinking out loud. But you should also know that your little jab cuts to the quick of who I really am, and it hurts. You may not love Kimberly, but I do."
Kim
I think that one of the most difficult things for a woman would be that everyone knows. Her friends know, her neighbors, know and her work colleagues know. And while they all know, they don't know the difference between homosexual, CD, TG, TS, etc., and even then, it might not make much difference. This is how it might sound, "Oh, my husband is not gay, he just likes to dress up in women's clothes."
That leads us to what I call the "Hillary (Clinton) Problem", as in "How can she stay married to him?"
Lastly, I think you can wear a women's costume on Halloween maybe once every 10 years. At one job, the cafeteria worked dressed in costumes for Halloween, and this one guy dressed up as a woman, but more like a parody, think Milton Berle or Bob Hope. Funny the first time. The next year he did it again. I couldn't have been the only one who noticed.
Your wife is so understanding the rest of the year. I can understand her concern about dressing as a woman for Halloween.
So, I have two suggestions.
You could always pretend that you are a woman disguised as a man (a la Shakespeare).
You could got to a Halloween party sponsored by a CD/TG group in Austin. That way you could have the fun of putting a Halloween costume together, yet wear it in a "safe" environment.
Or, you could dress as Capt Jack Sparrow. At least then you would get to wear eye liner.
Steffi
Hi, I'm Steffi and I'm a crossdresser... And I accept and celebrate both sides of me. Or, maybe I'm gender fluid.
Yeah, I'm kind of in the same boat. Halloween parties don't interest me much these days. I did the obligatory girl thing three years running back in college. These days, pretty much zero interest to the point where I'm going costume-less at a party next weekend.
And it's true, with the time we've put into achieving where we are in feminine presentation, we'd be a little tooooo good at it to not raise some eyebrows.
So for me, Halloween is all about the kids. I will enjoy the event with them.
Like a corpse deep in the earth I'm so alone, restless thoughts torment my soul, as fears they lay confirmed, but my life has always been this way - Virginia Astley, "Some Small Hope" (1986)
Sunlight falls, my wings open wide. There's a beauty here I cannot deny - David Sylvian, "Orpheus" (1987)
And THAT is a significant part of my irritation about this. This is the one time of year where it's completely acceptable . . . except to my wife. lolOriginally Posted by joann07
You know, I wonder if you could teach me how to skate on Ice Skates because taking my frustrations out on someone with a big stick is starting to sound kind of good to me. :-)
I agree with your implied statement that it is NOT reasonable to take the attitude that I should be able to wear what ever I want, where ever I want. In my opinion, that attitude fails to account for a whole lot of reality. But on Halloween . . . ?
Your suggestion about next years costumes is a good one . . . to please my wife . . . LOL
It never got as far as choosing an outfit. As soon as the very concept came up I was nuked. Not disuaded, not talked out of it, not even smacked - NUKED. ROFLI really dont know what to say Kim, maybe she just got the totally wrong impression about your costume or something..
So what exactly what did you want to wear??
The party I went to had two "guys dressed as girls" and one TS woman in a killer Victorian gown.
Excellent point and I fully agree I am being petulant and really need to pull my head outta my ass, but still, we are talking about feelings here and they are rarely logical.
OMG Anne, I almost spewed my coffee across my laptop when I read your comment. After more than a decade active duty Army, this comment appeals to me on SO many levels. It's concise, blunt, to the point, and leaves absolutely no ambiguity as to the thoughts of the author. Bless you for smile and the B***h slap.OMG, Kimberly. I just don't understand what is so terrible about going out dressed around Halloween. I hate to see you getting p**** whipped like this - it makes my head hurt.
Killer analogy. Hold on - gotta wipe the coffee off of my monitor again . . .
Raquel, not to try and twist my sorry and childish post concerning Halloween into a discussion on the meaning of life, but . . . It seems to me that both of your above points come close to defining a few important points about a marriage. In a marriage, you often DO have to constantly make compromises and accept things you don't like about each other. I could list countless examples and even started to do so before I decided it was gonna be too huge and too personal. If your single, you are free to say "Damn the torpedoes!" etc, but when your married and have children, you MUST make compromises or you will not remain married.
Awe Kolokea, it sounds like we both have the same problem, for much the same reasons, just from opposite sides of it. Oddly enough that makes me feel a little better and a Little worse at the same time. Yeah, I know that doesn't make any sense, but still . . .
Last edited by TxKimberly; 10-25-2009 at 10:16 AM.
Kimberly
I can relate to your feelings about not being able to dress for Halloween, It's the only time we can dress and be ourselves in front of people we know. As you stated in another thread that people still look look at you "sideways" since the last time you dressed up for Halloween because you pulled of the illusion of being a woman so convincingly and i'm sure you were the prettiest woman there, IMO. Maybe you are ready to come out a bit more with Kimberly but your wife isn't, I'm thinking that she is feeling protective of your reputation which does reflect somewhat on her and your children.
As far as acting like a "spoiled brat" goes, I feel the same resentment to my wife's comment that she prefers I not go as Linda since she received several comments on how easy it was for me to dress and act like a woman. I had a few comments thrown my way also but I rather liked it. My wife has for the most part accepted and supported this feminine aspect of my life but doesn't want it known to our friends and children.
From the pictures i've seen of you and the numerous threads i've read I know that you would never go out presenting yourself as a "guy in a dress" , oh no no no. Ms. Kimberly will be dressed to the nines and be a Lady.
I admire you Kimberly, I can relate to the funk you are in.
Linda
I have agreed with that sentiment for years. For one reason more than anything, I call it amateur night. It's when the guys come out who really try and make CD's look bad, they get drunk (and drive which scares me) and they become total a-holes which then reflects on all the others around them. I love the season. I used to get really excited and anxious knowing that this was the year I would be able to show the world! I was the one who backed out. I would give myself a little consolation prize of being Robin Hood in tights or a Roman in a short toga and I usually had great comments. My wife supported these.
This year I find myself in the same bind. I dress and go out as I please now. But I was invited to a party. My best friend and golfing buddy who (yes I know I'm a hypocrite) I have not fully come out to (It took him 5 years to notice my ears are pierced). Anyway, I am invited to his place for a party but the veiled warning was made in the call.."there will be children there". So here I am again. Should be the best time of year. Dress up, be sexy, be me. And I don't know what to wear (if it was adults only...no problem even though my clothing would not be out of line in everyday evening wear) but he specifically warned me there would be children and of course my old stereotypical fear kicks in. What if they think I am a perv? First do I go? and if I go what can I wear? Makes staying home seem easy.
The earth is the mother of all people and all people should have equal rights upon it.
Chief Joseph
Nez Perce
“Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” - Fred Rogers,
Sorry to hear about not being able to go out en femme to a party. Look at it this way....You are extremely blessed to be able to do what you do, have a supporting spouse and dress up as often and experience life the way you do. Look at it as a day off.
As I said, you're lucky, a lot on the forum here are and I'm envious as heck. I've only been out en femme in a public setting (except for the makeovers when I go out to have my pic taken in full view of the public) once, at a Halloween party 2 years ago. The outing went very well but the missus expressed her displeasure at seeing her man all dressed up totally and sadly Ashlee can only come out in private now.
I wish I had your life experiences.
I think this is a great idea. It is not only the CDer who has a lot to deal with, but the partners too. I have to remember that although Halloween can be a great time for me to dress, sometimes my partner may want to play a more than supporting role to my desires.
Just another man in a dress
K,
Something about all this doesn't add up to a happy family or a happy future if things continue like this.
You're traveling as a woman, posting youtube videos singing your own work as a woman, commenting on these pages daily, raising children in the same home... How long before you're outed in a big way and that's that?
And, your wife knows about all, or, for all intents and purposes, most of the important parts of who you are and what you do - as far as anyone else she's worried about will be concerned.
I'll say one thing for my SOs all my life: If I was doing something, it was me doing it, not them. If other people thought I was odd, they'd say:
"Yeah, that's him. Personally, I don't see it that way, but I like 'em and love 'em along with that... It's just part of the package, you know."
Halloween can be a very useful tool for both you and your wife. Get the idea out there now so that later people can say:
"Well... You know... He did have a great costume at that Halloween party and it went over really well... I guess we know now why it was so good... Whewie. Well, if that's what he wants to do I guess it's OK; didn't do any harm then and can't see, considering they're pretty good folks, any harm now. God bless his wife for putting up with it. Hellva hobby, or, whatever it is."
Of course, I think you know you're annoyed because you get a sense of how much you'd enjoy running Kim past everybody and how it fits more with the "real you" than the "fake you" you have to show everyone for the sake of "the rules." It'd be a break from following the rules and it would be nice to be honest in a completely socially acceptable way.
Which, in reality, is a big part of what such days on the calendar were/are for... Letting off some social steam, relating in different ways in a safe environment, and so forth. The church "holy days or feast days," for example, were always partly designed for such public "misbehavior" because they weren't "normal" days and the rules (and, "punishments") were relaxed/suspended for that short period of time. The original, "What goes on at Mardi Gras, stays at Mardi Gras..."
Your situation sounds like a few bridges I have had to cross carrying my SO on my back. I've just had to say:
"OK, here's how the logic of all this works: there's no way to so easily present this except at such events. This is safe, it's acceptable, and whatever eyebrows get raised, it's done in such a way that they can draw their own conclusions, make their own peace, and all our lives can go on without it being such a big deal."
This is an opportunity for both of you to test the waters for what is to come. You get to be more of yourself, she gets to see if her fears and concerns make any real sense. It's your lives, and your lives to manage. It's up to couples to work out their lives within the community. This is a way for you both to make some room to work in... And, it's better done now than before you really need some breathing space - as in "your big secret lives" get outed by "accident" at some random point in time.
Sorry to hear about the conflict. I'm not sure this is so much how she feels about you as she feels about the situation she thinks you both might be in vis a vis what everyone else thinks.
She knows you dress, etc, and you are still together and living your lives fairly happily. Her view of you couldn't be all that bad...
You meanwhile, may be thinking of doing more and more as Kim... If so she needs to know it when you do.
Either way, it would be better to float these issues safely now before it becomes the "cause" of a break up - where everyone assumes it's because you were CD/TG or whatever.
That's not going to be the reason. The reason would be more like you both felt you'd do better pursuing your lives apart than together. No blame there, just two smart people working out a better arrangement.
Sometimes I think the same way Kim about hating Halloween. After my wife and I were married but before she knew about Shaylee I crossedressed two times as a girl for Halloween. Once it was her idea and the second by my request. My wife was even enthusiastic about both times. But now that she knows and supports, Shaylee's dressing in any public way is a big NO NO. Go figure! She did say to me one time when I talked about wanting to dress up for a halloween party, she said I was too good and that people would talk. FEAR, FEAR, FEAR, so I comply to her wishes so I can dress, even if it's just around the house. That I can do anytime I want.
I'm so sorry this is a sticking point for you two. Halloween has always been MY holiday. I organize a haunt with the Boy Scouts and go to any costume party I can find.
Now that Sally is available I always go to 1 or 2 TG parties with the other girls. Now if I decided to go to a local party with friends, I don't know how my wife would react. We are slowly telling friends and family but letting a whole group in at the same time might be a little much. It would be hard to not "do it up right" and appear much too good.
I really don't know what the answer is but "Ewwwwww" is not it!
Sally
I don't see this issue brought up enough in this forum, but I think this is a huge concern not only for SOs, but also for anyone of any consequence in our lives -- kids, friends, co-workers. But for wives in particular, our behavior reflects on them personally in such a major way, it becomes an identity issue for them too. And I don't think it's just a matter of questions about sexual orientation -- "crossdressing pervert" is damning enough in many people's minds.
All these observations are so dead on, I think. And they really point to the heart of the matter -- it's only natural to feel resentful toward a particular person of influence in our lives when he or she puts the brakes on, but they're really just the personification, or voice, of the real problem. What's really chafing us is the common sense that dictates that unless we're willing to come out all the way and accept the consequences not only for ourselves but also for our loved ones, we have to accept limits that are frustrating, especially when it comes to being too obvious too close to home.
Like so many people in this forum, I've grown so fond of Kim for her spirit and for sharing her exploits. I know she is an inspiration for many of us. But I've had the exact same concern you're expressing here -- such openness is gonna get her busted one of these days. I'm really kind of surprised her employer hasn't gotten wind of it yet.
Hmmm, there may be some people whose reaction would be that sanguine, but I think you're underestimating how vehemently many people would react. The mainstream stigma would be huge, or at least it would where I live. I've sort of been lecturing myself about that very thing lately.
Last edited by sherri; 10-25-2009 at 12:59 PM.
Sorry to Hear this Kim
I know what you mean. I too have an "understanding" wife to a point, just finding that point is tough!
For example, I was able to go out to a Halloween party by myself last Friday (I asked if she wanted to go and she said no), I went as Elvira and had a blast. There were about 100 people there and around 20 people from work. Most of them know I'm a CD.
A number of them begged me to show up at work this coming Friday for the companies' Halloween festivities as Elvira. We have a costume contest and other fun things that day. When I brought that up to her, she was like, "Oh no, not at work!" This is after more than 60 people at work know I'm a cross-dresser and I'm an active member of the LGBT group and participate in diversity sessions there. Huh?
Now, I'm in a position of: Do I practice what I preach, or not, because she doesn't feel good about it? When is how she feels a reasonable request? Please don't answer this one it's just a rhetorical question. This is something we will have to work out. Wish me luck!
Love, Tracy
Everybody's normal until you get to know them. - Tracy Schapes
An opinion should be the result of thought, not a substitute for it.
- Jef Mallett
Blog: Tracy's Happy Place
Kim don't worry about Halloween. You get to dress in cute cloths most of the year anyway. Not just one day like some of the others who want to do all the time.
GLENDA
I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN
Sherri
You brought up a huge question of kids.
Naturally, attending a Halloween party where someone is crossdressed will lead to talk after the party. Their children may hear it, and tell some other children, who tell some other children... Like anything else that violates norms, the next thing is you know is that other children taunt your children, "Your daddy wears dresses, your daddy wears dresses..."
How do you get out of that mess?
Steffi
Hi, I'm Steffi and I'm a crossdresser... And I accept and celebrate both sides of me. Or, maybe I'm gender fluid.
I don't really have anything much to say other that I totally agree with you and I feel a little sad for you.
It sounds like your wife has some concerns about people that she knows knowing about your CDing, and that's fair enough and completely understandable, but this is different. It's Halloween, people aren't "going to put 2 & 2 together and come up with 4" ...... but then again you would look awesome in a cute costume, and they might suspect that you're "too good" and that maybe you've done this before but then again if they did you wife could say she helped you look better, even stil,l I do think that it's a bit unfair for you to not be able to dress pretty at a costume party ... especially when there are other GMs doing the same.
.
The River City Gems - Northern California's largest and most active crossdressing & transgender support group!
I'm glad I didn't offend you. I can be blunt.
Last edited by Andy66; 10-25-2009 at 03:18 PM.
I gotta agree with the charming Lorileah on this particular point.
I avoid dressing entirely for Hallowe'en parties. Unless you're at a TG party, the dolts who do dress at Halloween parties almost always look like idiots and act like boors. Their burlesqued (meaning satirical, demeaning and derisive) representations of women more often than not offend me deeply. It's usually a misogynistic, insulting performance. And their SO's probably don't like it either.
I may be a little too sensitive about this, but too bad, that's how I feel. When I dress, I want it to be artful, sensitive and appreciated, not laughed at, or have to try to prove my maleness by acting a fool.
I'd never advise closeted folks to dress femme at Hallowe'en. You won't feel comfortable at a "straight" gathering, unless you really want your acquaintances to wonder about you for the rest of the year, unless you really want those pictures floating around on their facebook pages for eternity, unless you really want to make your wives and SO's uncomfortable, unless you really want to lose a bit of respect in the eyes of your friends (especially female friends).
It's a good bet that we're all gonna be outted eventually. I think it's important for our own security and peace of mind to be able to at least try and control the time and place.
Just sayin'!
Blaire and Sherri stated it far better than I did.
Last edited by FluffyPersian; 10-25-2009 at 03:28 PM.
Yeah....I hear ya.....I'm picking up what your putting down. Ya know...... I thought halloween was supposed to be fun for everyone, because it gave them one night to be whatever their little hearts desired.
So I like dressing like girl. BIG DEAL!
Kimberly you get your fun when you travel. Give this one to your wife. The rewards may be worth it(even if you would rather be a women).
If it ain't broke.. don't fix it!
balancing needs. Why does that always assume it is the CD as the the one taking advantage? If you read Kim's posts you will see that she gives a lot to her family.
I know that many many of the whiners on here want it all. But some of us do try and keep things balanced. Sort of getting tired of the blame game. There are times, and probably more often than this forum recognizes, when the SO is the one who demands total control.
Unless Kim has become a total opposite clone of herself, she has been considering her SO's needs and has worked to balance them.
The earth is the mother of all people and all people should have equal rights upon it.
Chief Joseph
Nez Perce
“Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” - Fred Rogers,
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