I now know I can quit.....

[Karren H]

But there are other considerations... I've been thinking deep lately... Not something I do often but it all started a couple months ago....

This summer my endo decided to retire.. Never liked him much any way but he managed my medication ok I guess... But he gave us a choice of other local doctors that he would send my records to and I chose a woman doctor near the house.... And then kind of forgot it...

So 2 months ago I realized that my medication was running out and I should make an appointment.. And get my annyal MRI and blood tests.... I call and the next available appointment... December 31st... Crap... My medication runs out in September... And she won't call in a perscription because I'm not a patient yet. And my old doctor is on the beach somewhere... I'm screwed!

If you want to take a break and go use the bathroom I'll pasue here.... Dum dee dum deeee...

Ok.. Fell better?

Ok the poiint is that I've always suspected. that my medication is in part the driving force behind my crossdressing.... It blocks the female horemone Prolactine which my tumor produces.... And by blocking Prolactine it also raises my Testosterone levels... 5 years ago when I started treatment I hadn't crossdressed in 10 years... Hadn't even thought about it but it all came crashing back into my life with a vengence....

So 2 months ago, knowing that my meds won't last, I started reducing the dossage... And basically weening myself off it, knowing that just quitting anything is not good for you..

Ok back to the point.. As I reduced my dossage.... My drive to crossdress started to fade.... Just a little to start but worse (or better?) As time went on... Sunday I took my last pill and I'm now off meds completely... And won't get back on them till 2010... So I'm thinking by Christmas I may nto be crossdressing at all... I actually took 2 boxs of my fem clothing to Goodwill yesterday... Just didn't want to wear them any more... And lately I come here and read some posts and one minute I'm like... I don't care. And then a little later I fell better and post a reply... But its a struggle.. (Probably a struggle reading this and I appologize).

The point.... if I have one is I know I can quit... Its all chemicaly driven... And that's probably why moods change and everything because of chemical changes in our bodies... my only problem with this is.... If I stop medications there are health implications... Basically my tumor starts growing and the prolactin kicks in and by breasts grow.... Which won't do me any good since I won't feel like crossdressing...

So what was my point? I don't know... I just see alll this slipping away and have no control over it.. And while normally it would sadden me.. I don't really care much one way or the other.. Any one have a clue what I'm talking about because I'm starting to wonder myself.. And does anyone else have a simular afliction that is the driving force behine their crossdressing.. I've never heard of anyone else with this.. Kind of a weird and lonely feeling... Ohh well.. Thanks for reading this...

[JamieOH]

a conundrum.. Well, we know that while yes you can stop, you will need to take the meds again... So, lets hope that you can hang in long enough to get back on the meds.. then, hopefully, you'll have nice firm juicy boobs.. hehe.. seriously though, how much is this medicine needed? And whos to say that if you just dont take it anymore ever, that you wont reach a point where you feel even more feminine than you did on the meds? You are in quite a spot my dear..

[weekend woman]

Karren, New doctor on referral from a retiring doctor, 4month wait for 1st appt. it is obvious this person doesn't want or doesn't need new patients. I say find another doctor now. your health is more important than anything else.

[TJ Tresa]

I'm sorry to hear about you having a tumor. I don't think that you should give very much of your clothes and other stuff away though. I mean you will be back on your meds after the first of the year and then you will most likely get the desire to be your feminine slef again. If not then you can rid yourself and quit. However I personnaly would hate for that to happen as I enjoy your commites and lovely avitar pictures.
In any event Karren I wish you the best, as I am sure every one here who knows you does.

[Rianna Humble]

I'm sorry to hear about you having a tumor.
(snip)
In any event Karren I wish you the best, as I am sure every one here who knows you does.

I second both of those emotions

[Sally2005]

I have always believed there is a chemical trigger. I don't know how the whole system works, but I think you can control it to some degree by accepting the CDing as being part of who you are and that in turn seems to reduce a stress that causes the compulsion and femine feelings in the first place. Your medical condition seems to support the theory. Then again...maybe it is the weather and position of the moon...

[Andy66]

it is obvious this person doesn't want or doesn't need new patients. I say find another doctor now. your health is more important than anything else.

I agree. And for gosh sakes, go to Urgent Care or something to get a refill. This is nothing to play with.

Very interesting how your crossdressing seems to be chemically driven, though.

[Karren H]

The drug is bromocriptine...

Bromocriptine lowers prolactin (PRO lak tin) levels. Prolactin is a hormone important for the production of breast milk and for normal fertility in women. Bromocriptine also has effects similar to a chemical called dopamine (DOE pa meen) that occurs naturally in the body. Bromocriptine is used to treat disorders such as amenorrhea (lack of a menstrual period), persistent breast milk production, infertility, and other conditions associated with high prolactin levels caused by prolactin-secreting tumors in women and in men.

It basically keeps the turmor from growing... On it I fell like crossdressing.... Off it I don't.. And I called around and other Endocronologists are alll backed up that far...

The tumor is a uber slow growing one so the chance of it causing problems is small... So my health is not at risk for thiis 2 month period... Just my urge to dress...

[TxKimberly]

Well hell Karen, I don't know if I should say congrats or condolences. lol

[Karren H]

Lol... I'm just glad my urge to play ice hockey isn't dependent on drugs... I'll just play more hockey till the new year!

[Raychel]

I think that I would have to cast my condolences. There is no way that I could live without this part of my life. I am glad you can accept it so well.

[Lorileah]

And I called around and other Endocronologists are alll backed up that far...

wanna get in sooner? Tell them you will be discussing this with your local medical board and a lawyer. The new doctor has the ability to continue the Rx until such time that they can see you or make other arrangements. Funny how the word MAL practice tends to get things rolling. If they really think you need to be seen, then they will work you in before that otherwise they can renew the Rx with your old records.

[Shelby]

Are you positive that this drug is the reason for your crossdressing? If it is then I think you may have discovered something and should have it reported to a medical journal or a marketing dept. I'm not trying to question you, but it seems unlikely that a pill while controlling your tumor would also increase your desire to wear dresses. I've always read your threads and you have always been one of the more outgoing women on this site. You have written about your adventures and shinanigans - again hard to associate that with a pill.

I'm not on any meds and I must admit, there are times, weeks where I have no desire to dress either. I stop by this site and see no interesting threads to comment on and move on. I think this all might be a phase or something in your mind. Well this is at least something for you to think about.

[Wen4cd]

It's really kind of saddening. I hope it doesn't affect your skating as well.

I'm not a big believer in 'chemical crossdressing,' (since chemicals themselves don't know or care how one dresses, being chemicals and all, and without a symbolic and value-assigning mind to apply meaning, 'feminine' means nothing to them) but I know they affect moods in general, and can sort of 'take all the fun out of' things people usually enjoy. But a lot of crossdressing is a celebration, and it can sometimes pick up a mood too.

I hope in the meantime of this period, you will still think on people here as friends. I have friends I'm afraid to talk to in certain moods, because some moods aren't meant for some friends to witness

I always knew I could 'quit,' but to me it would be like quitting exercising and letting myself go to seed, something tragic, like a loss of faith.

Keep that tumor issue taken care of though. I wouldn't suggest plying around with something like that.

[dancinginthedark]

[SIZE=2]Damn Karren it's never anything simple with you is it? Coal mining in evening gowns and such. Of course I am teasing you. Figured I should say that out loud since you don't know me [/SIZE][SIZE=2]and can't hear all the voices in my head...shame that, cuz they would surely be assuring you how nice and normal I am if you could hear them. Of course if you could that would indicate a whole new set of problems for you......

Anywho, I hate to hear that you aren't feeling very "Karren" like of late and I hope like hell you get sorted sooner rather than later. I don't much care if that means you back in front of the camera or skating your arse off darling just so you're healthy and happy. I have kinda' gotten used to seeing your smiling face around the joint and it just wouldn't seem right if you were gone.

dancin

~
[/SIZE]

[Fran Moore]

The party's not over Karren! We would definately miss you and your humor, and don't go purging to Goodwill, just box the stuff up and stick it out in the garage until you get your situation solved. Most of us have had "breaks" in our dressing routines, and then inevitably start up again (it never really goes away now, does it).

The bigger issue, of course, is your health, and I'm with Lorileah, short of going "postal" there must be a way to ensure that your meds are still made available to you. Perhaps with all the folks on this site, there is a doctor in the house (or lawyer) who can give you some good advice on how to proceed towards a successful outcome.

I wish you all the best and will keep you in my prayers.


Suzanne

[sherri]

To walk away from CDing for good is not a tragedy, might even be best for some people in some situations. I mean, it's a bag of mixed blessings at best. And I've never bought the notion that we "can't" quit; we humans can do all sorts of things if we have to. But unless money is of no object to you, I strongly urge you to think of it as a sabbatical (as opposed to quitting) for at least 6 months before purging. Box everything up and put it in storage if that makes you feel better, but give your urge (or lack of one) some time before taking drastic steps.

About 15 months ago I decided to quit, not out of necessity but for emotional reasons, and I got rid of everything, and I mean everything. I had been on this forum a long time, was fully aware that purging is usually a bad idea, and had thought I was immune to such mercurial silliness, but when my little internal melodrama hit, I ignored all that and purged anyway. I didn't make any announcements or have any going away parties or seek anyone's advice, I just did it. And sure enough, a few months later three realizations hit me:

1. The desire had returned and there was no compelling reason not to resume that part of me; and,
2. What a dumbass I'd been to purge; and,
3. Wardrobe was only part of the issue, and not even the most important part.

My femme life has to cope with some budgetary constraints, so it's been slow going building up a wardrobe etc again. You may not have that limitation, in which case it may not matter much what you do with your things. Maybe the more important consideration is that your current mood may pass.

But I'm puzzled by something: when your female hormone level rises your desire to CD wanes, and when your testosterone level rises your desire to CD increases? It seems like the scale is 180 out of phase ...

[scarlett]

Karren I sometimes have a problem seeing my cardiologist due to travel for my job. It's hard to see her without a serious lead time. Thus I sometimes run low on my heart medication. My GP however is very accessable , He writes it for me with a phone call and calls it to a drug store where ever I am.
See your GP, explain the situation. They can write you a prescription for enough to get by. If not you need a new GP.

[ginafaye]

i just hope you get as well as you can be. whatever works to keep you happy and in good health is what you should do,but we are here to listen and give suport where we can........ginafaye

[Josey]

You have been an inspiration to me since joing this site. This fact is also obvious when I read all the threads written here today. I can't conceive the notion of not hearing of your adventures or antidotes in the future. Whatever happens, my bests wishes go out to you!

[Rebecca Jayne]

Karen how sad, but maybe there might be an alternative to ice hockey.
There may be some combination of natural herbs, teas, et al that in a large enough quanity may produce the same effect as the medicine.

[Fab Karen]

Lol... I'm just glad my urge to play ice hockey isn't dependent on drugs... I'll just play more hockey till the new year!

If the drug raises your testosterone levels, then maybe without it your killer hockey instinct would lower.

Well if without the meds you look at your clothes and all the cute shoes & make-up and are COMPLETELY & thoroughly turned off by it, then your theory is probably correct in your case. Even though it'd mean seeing your wife doing cartwheels, don't throw all your stuff away right now. Time will tell.

[Nadia-Maria]

So do I. I know I can quit.

But I just DON'T WANT to quit.

[Jonianne]

.......So what was my point? I don't know... I just see alll this slipping away and have no control over it.. And while normally it would sadden me.. I don't really care much one way or the other.. Any one have a clue what I'm talking about because I'm starting to wonder myself........

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I imagine you could press the issue like Lorelia said.

I remember Holly going through a similar time, but I don't know if it was chemically driven.

We are always glad to listen Karren.

.......maybe it is the weather and position of the moon...

Actually, it's probably the lack of sunspots that's messing everything up.

[Katrina]

Interesting, Karren. Hmmmm...what size shoe are you???

Well, you could alternate being on the drug and off it. Off for a while to grow some breasts, then back on it to take advantage of the breasts...

If I could take a medication to make me not want to crossdress or be a woman, I would in a heartbeat.