Not sure what to do...

[Kroma]

First off, I'd like to say hello again. I haven't visited for a while, partially because I met someone two years ago. Things are great between us, and we're living together, and yes I disclosed my secret to her. (I didn't want her to stumble across my stash while cleaning or something and get scared away; we had been dating only a few months when she first picked up my room while I was out ... women. In a somewhat interesting twist, she was quite taken with my stash of porn.) Anyway, she was none too pleased, and said that while she understood my desire to embrace the female presence I had been missing before her, that it also ruined her perception of me as a man and the top in the relationship. Together we discarded all of the clothes, my wig which had just been purchased a month or so before; everything.

Honestly, I didn't miss it for a while; she had replaced, in many ways, what I felt I had been missing. A few months back the compulsion to dress came rushing back. I spoke with her about it, and she was uncomfortable talking about it. However it came to that if I wanted to dress, I'm an adult and can do as I please, but she'll have nothing to do with it.

Today, I went on a shopping spree for some essentials, but now I'm living in fear that she'll find 'em again. What if she does? What if she walks in on me? How will she take it if she comes home to my shaved legs? Gals, I need help!

edit: I know if I were giving advise to some one else I'd say something to the effect of: "Do what you feel is right, but be ready to accept the consequences?" Thoughts?

[Monica93304]

Girl, I wouldn't be in a relationship where I would be denied to dress. I wouldn't let her change me for anything (especially if we weren't married, or had no kids).

A sister by the name of Melissa Davis in another thread said it perfectly:

"I want to be adored, not put up with".

Be happy girl. As far as i know, I'm only on this earth once. So I'm going to try to find my happiness no matter what. I suggest you try to do the same. Don't get into a relationship where what you do would be looked down upon with shame by your SO, or kept in her sleeve anytime she gets angry and tries to put you down.

There are MANY MANY women that would love to explore the world with you through YOUR eyes and emotions. Just go out there and find her.

I mean this from the bottom of my heart.

Monica.

[Joanne f]

I think it would be a good idea to explain your situation to her , that you do not want to have secrets from her but you also want to understand and respect her thoughts .
If your girlfriend is not happy with you doing it around her ask if i would be acceptable for you to be alone sometimes so that you could dress the way you like without upsetting her , but unfortunately if this is not acceptable to your girlfriend then you will have no other option than to dress in secret which will mean that she will be always looking out for the signs and you will always be on your guard , i hope that you both can come to some sort of understanding so that will not force you into being secretive about it .

[Fab Karen]

Ruined her perception of you as a man and "the top" - despite having known you and who you are as a person and a sexual partner. This relationship is probably doomed, compromise sounds unlikely with her.

[Shari]

It's sort of like having a job you love with low pay versus a job you hate with a much higher salary.
Be happy first. The bills will take care of themselves.

If she cannot or will not embrace what makes you happy, then it's time you looked for another.

[Karen__Starr]

You have to be honest with yourself, even if you love her it doesn't sound like you dressing is going to work with her from what you said. Best to make a decision which why to go rather than live in fear of her finding out. There is no perfect solution. I have been there several times and finally learned from past expereinces as mentioned above.

[Rogina B]

You didn't talk things out in the beginning.Why do you want to go on with a doomed relationship? Your desire to dress will not go away. Tell her to pack her bags..or you will! It will never work and you will never be completely happy inside.

[Miranda09]

Kroma...I guess this is where you find out if she really does love you for who you are, or if it's just who she wants you to be. She did know about your dressing in the beginning, which was good. Don't go behind her back now...it'll just wind up getting you frustrated, and if she finds, she'll make it a big issue. I think you need to talk more with her. You have to be yourself...not what others want you to be. Good luck hun. Remember, we're here for you.

[docrobbysherry]

lasts 2 or 3 years! And you're ALREADY having problems with yours?

Not a good sign! I agree with what others have said above!

[Holly]

...Do what you feel is right, but be ready to accept the consequences...

I think you need to be prepared to accept your own advice. By your purging (with her help), you told her you were going to stop. You're now wanting to change the rules. At best, you have a tough road ahead.

[Catina]

I have learned over many years that the demon of expectations and empty promises are not a good formula for healthy relationships. The attraction that brought you together as male and female energies is beautiful and to be cherished, however, many of us have learned that embracing greater dimensions of our personal male/female selves gives more depth to our authentic selves.

I believe that "hiding" your connection to your female energy actually does damage to your primary relationship. Ultimately, there will be tension that will erode love as both of you expend energy trying to hide the "elephant in the room" and the relationship will crash land. I further believe that at this stage of your relationship, that you both still have a chance to stop the damage. Building a bridge that will overcome false expectations (that both of you have) will help enhance communication. That bridge could start by inviting her to visit this website with you so that she understands that your desire to dress represents your own desire to have a more integrated and healthy relationship with yourself and your external relationships. Whew! that was long winded but I hope these words are helpful. Be well, Catina

[JulieC]

I think you need to be prepared to accept your own advice. By your purging (with her help), you told her you were going to stop. You're now wanting to change the rules. At best, you have a tough road ahead.

Precisely.

Part of accepting crossdressing in oneself is understanding what it is to you. For most (all?) of us, it is a part of us that can not be permanently repressed. To accept conditions where you are not permitted to dress is unacceptable. There's various ways to compromise, but purging and swearing never to dress again is NOT one of them.

For me, it took years to get to the point of understanding that I could not accept a partner in life who rejected my crossdressing. In particular it took one particular woman I dated for a while who was actively repulsed by it, even though her own sense of self was something society doesn't accept as "normal". The dichotomy in her between the two was very telling. Ok for her, not ok for me. After that relationship, I refused to compromise to the extent of repressing myself ever again.

Be prepared to walk away from this relationship. As Holly noted, the rules you allowed to be set up are flawed. You're going to have to change the rules. If she doesn't accept the change, then it's time to walk away. Be willing to compromise, but I'd advise against being willing to repress, ever again.

[Laura17]

Kroma, my advice to you, don't go on hiding for another minute. Sounds like you are still at a point where you can move on if need be. Believe me, living in the closet is painful.
In my case I know I put myself in the situation I am in through years of self denial & lack of personal acceptance. Now that i've accepted who I am it's even harder than ever.

Don't believe for a minute that you can supress this for good...

[Sally2005]

I think you have no choice, but to be open and honest about it. If your wife tells you she doesn't want to see it then tell her you will not push it on her and dress up on your own time. However, I think what you are missing is the part about feeling proud and accepting who you are. Maybe it will take some time forr your wife, but if you are happy with yourself, the glow will rub off on her. What you have to do is take on a winning attitude and show her that it is actually fun. I am assuming you just like dressing up sometimes.

[AmberLynn]

Hard to put it much better then the rest of the girl's have. going behind your partner's back and doing it make's it feel dirty,atleast it did for me. try to working thing's out but if she is unwilling to compermise at all,best to find a person that will love you for who you are and not what they want you to be

[Frédérique]

Anyway, she was none too pleased, and said that while she understood my desire to embrace the female presence I had been missing before her, that it also ruined her perception of me as a man and the top in the relationship. Together we discarded all of the clothes, my wig which had just been purchased a month or so before; everything.
Today, I went on a shopping spree for some essentials, but now I'm living in fear that she'll find 'em again. What if she does? What if she walks in on me? How will she take it if she comes home to my shaved legs? Gals, I need help!

[SIZE="2"]It’s simple – get a more sympathetic girlfriend. You ruined her perception of you as a man? Honey, there are plenty of women out there who are looking for males like you, women who would love to be the ‘top” in a relationship. Have fun, keep looking, and please put yourself and your desires first. Hang on to your femme stuff with both hands and don’t let go…

I had a very similar situation to yours a few years back, so I know what I’m talking about. You’ll never get rid of the “urge’ to dress – just embrace the feeling and be yourself. Personally, I would let your girlfriend "walk in" on you – defend your decision to dress, and face the consequences. It’ll either make or break the relationship, but either way you’ll be better off. It’s fun being on the bottom, trust me... [/SIZE]

[Sheila]

lots I could say, most of it I won't, but you have read the tales of deception, hiding and lies here and know the pain they cause ........... you two really need to sit and talk and listen to each other .............. let her know about this site and that she is not alone .... We have a great GG only section here called FAB, where after she has done an intro and made another 9 posts in the other parts of the forum she can apply to join us GG's in there if she would like to talk with fems that are/have been where she is at now ........... good luck

[ggtracy]

this is tough one. You have to be honest with her. It will be difficult for her because you mislead her by getting rid of your female things and not dressing for a while, all the while, she is thinking that it was because you were so happy with her.

so when the dressing comes back, she is going to feel as if she has done something wrong or you are unhappy in your relationship. It will take lots of reassurance on your part. Just remember, it will be the change in situation and her insecurities that will be most upsetting to her.

[lavistaa62]

Have you been able to sort out how you feel about her need to have you "on top"? Does this mean she's submissive because it seems at odds with her other behaviour- coming in and cleaning your bedroom unannounced, laying down the relationship law, etc.

I've been in a controlling relationship and it was very uncomfortable for me. Between being out of a steady relationship and being controlled, I was much happier out from someone else's thumb. Being out of a relationship is not the same as being alone. Crossdressing may be suppressed but it's no more a substitute for a relationship than the other way round. They're separate and permanent needs.

My relationship now is much more of a partnership and much happier. Crossdressing changed my perception of women and I no longer have a male possessive "instinct" and it would be very uncomfortable to be around a woman who expected and needed that in a relationship.

[PetiteTonya]

...based on your writing, I would have to agree with the majority of the opinions expressed thus far. Your relationship is in serious trouble and is likely only going to become more painful for you and your partner.

You have my deepest sympathies for what's likely to come.

[sherri]

Love, real love, is hard to find, especially these days. When you do find it, it's worth some sacrifices. You can't really fault your GF if she is repulsed by a feminized man -- she has a right to her preference. Some people are wired for that sort of flexibility, some aren't. If CDing is more of a hobby or titillation for you, it might be worth it to toss it in exchange for love. Just be sure your GF isn't the sort of person who will constantly be demanding similar concessions from you.

But if femininity is a core part of who you are, it would be best to face up to it now. You're relatively early into this relationship, with no real ties that bind (marriage, kids, etc), so better to make the difficult choice now than later, after years of subterfuge, fighting and bitterness. But if you come to that decision, be sure you do it with all the respect, consideration and tenderness you possibly can.

As for dressing behind her back, how would you feel if your GF kept a secret of this magnitude from you, a secret that entails ongoing activity on her part behind your back? It sort of violates the bond of trust necessary for a healthy relationship, doesn't it? Wouldn't it affect your opinion of her not only as a partner, but as a person?

[Kroma]

You ladies are right to an extent, I do see a conflict of interest of sorts. I mean, she likes hairy men ... I'm almost repulsed that I have as much hair as I do. On the other hand, while I am top, in that I'm the decisive/controling force most of the time. She does appreciate my sensitivity and consoles me quite often, and she loves that I understand how to make her feel better when she's down.

Don't get me wrong, I am in love with this girl, and of all people I think I can work with her. I think a big reason for being who I am is the admiration for the controling beauty women have over men, and the desire to embody that ... not that I want to attract men, but just to be ... beautiful, or at least feel that way. She in many ways didn't fit the perception I had of the average GG either, in that she wasn't raised to embrace the things most girls do, (i.e. ear piercing, make-up ... hell until a week ago, she didn't know about Ponds make-up remover (thanks to me, now she does)). I think steps like this on both sides of the fence will help us grow to be the best versions of ourselves. Or that's my hope anyway.

I know the relationship has its problems, and I've had my doubts for quite some time. But, I can't afford to give up just yet. I'm in school for another 7 months or so, and then I can choose to move on if neccesary. I will be open, so I promise you gals, as well and myself and her that there will be no surprises if/when the time comes to move on.

Thanks for all the advise, I have read and understand you all; the dialog starts today.

[ReineD]

I think it would be a good idea to explain your situation to her , that you do not want to have secrets from her but you also want to understand and respect her thoughts .
If your girlfriend is not happy with you doing it around her ask if i would be acceptable for you to be alone sometimes so that you could dress the way you like without upsetting her

This is good advice, but I would go further and tell your gf that you thought you could live without the CDing (as evidenced by your purge), but you find now that you cannot . Give her some literature or links that will help to educate her. Also tell her that you cannot be in a relationship with someone who refuses to acknowledge your needs. This doesn't mean she has to participate, but you would like her to respect that you need to do this occasionally and you also need to not hide for fear of upsetting her. This means keeping your clothing in an established place in your home and having set times when you can dress without risk of your gf walking in on you if she does not want to see. As to the shaving, it is difficult to keep this away from her, but you really should tell her first what you plan on shaving when you are ready to do so. Then it won't seem so sneaky.

I know the relationship has its problems, and I've had my doubts for quite some time. But, I can't afford to give up just yet. I'm in school for another 7 months or so, and then I can choose to move on if neccesary. I will be open, so I promise you gals, as well and myself and her that there will be no surprises if/when the time comes to move on.

If she is in love with you, she needs to know if you are with her mostly for financial reasons. But if her feelings for you have also changed because of the CDing, perhaps the two of you can decide to stay together purely for financial reasons until the end of the school year but you can both begin to lead your separate lives?

[julie w]

Only you can decide whats best for you , When I met my SO nine years
ago I told her , that the CDing is a part of me , she has never seen me dressed and I dont push her to be involved , She knows the nights
that my local club has meetings . and says are you going out with your
people tonight ? my job gives me lots of time of when she is working
so I have time to dress .
I think Cds have problems when they expect their SOs to get involved
You should have been honest and said its something I have to do now and
then I was born that way blame God if you want he wont mind and respect that
she doesnt want to be involved

[Kroma]

I have talked with her this morning. We have come to an agreement that will allow me to work through what I need to, and she is aware of this group, so if she needs support its there. It turns out that many of her fears were the same as some I've read in the past. She was, maybe is, afraid that one day I'll want to be a women for good. Additionally, she's not certain how she'll react seeing me dressed, she's afraid she won't like it. However, to meet her half way instead of diving into it, we are going to see a counselor together to help set boundaries and redefine some of the rules. She even apologized for throwing out my wig.

Honesty does feel better than the fear of being caught. I think we can make it, and if not we'll find out together rather than unilaterally.