I've been bothered lately. I know many of you here are totally at peace with yourselves, so good on you. However, I am not. I enjoy dressing up. A lot. However I am constantly at war with it. I have a wife whom I love very much, and if she ever stumbled on to my stash...my marriage would be over. No doubts about it. It's not just that, though...even before my wife, I've never been totally at peace with it. Probably because to me, it's not expressing who I really am, it's just indulging a sexual fantasy. Although I get a HUGE turn on from getting dressed up in lingerie, dresses, stockings, stilettos and all that, and walking around in public... I kind of see it like this; I love Cold Stone ice cream, but if I indulged in it as much as I'd like, I would quickly be a 300 pound loser with no self control. So I guess that's the crux of it...self control. I'm a christian, and I have known for the last 16 or 17 years that I've been doing this that it's just not cool with God, but I always go back to it anyway. Even now I'm doing it, and I have a nice little wardrobe built up, but it's ...indulging. Although there's a side of me that totally wants to experience life as a woman (only because it turns me on to even think about it..), the dominating side knows that I would not feel proud of myself if I pursued that on a more public level. When I'm on my deathbed, I want to be able to say that I'm proud of the life I've left, and not stress about what people might find in my closet, ya know? I doubt I'm going to give this up right away, but sadly, I think it may be somewhat soon. I just can't bear to think of losing a marriage over this...as much as I enjoy it, it's just not worth it. At some point I have to say, "okay. I've had enough ice cream...time to get to the ****ing gym".
I hope you all understand that I'm not trying to pass judgement on anyone. After all, even if it's not for much longer, I am one of you....
Peace.