Yearnings for more than just dressing

[MelanieP]

I have a dilemma that I hope people can help me with. Originally, I thought that I cross-dressed mainly out of curiosity about women's clothes and the novelty it presented compared to drab men's clothes. I never really was trying to identify myself with any feminine aspects of myself or alter personas. In the past few years though, I have found myself trying more and more to identify with a female side to myself and thinking about what being a woman would really be like- emotionally even more so that just physically. This happened around the time my kids were born. My wife saw her pregnancy as something to 'bear with' and 'deal through' rather than a very special part of her life. I found myself wishing there was some way we could have swapped roles and that I would be the one to bear our children. I know other women to have cherished such uniquely female experiences such as pregnancy and childbirth and feel that I would have the same outlook had I been female. Since then, more and more I find myself yearning to have been female. I see all aspects of women- their social roles in family, their biological role in reproduction, their clothes, hairstyles, makeup, their socially accepted behaviors, etc- and I can identify with all of these more so than what it means to be male. I am envious of the life a woman can lead, and the experiences (physical and emotional) she can have. The male 'experience' seems to pale in comparison.

Now every day I think about this and feel a pang of longing for a life I never had a chance to experience. I think that is why I CD- to try to capture a sliver of what womanhood must feel like, even for a brief moment. I often fantasize of being able to change my gender (either transitioning or even 'magically' waking one morning as a women... don't laugh). But the reality is I have a loving wife and family that I would never do anything to disrupt their lives. So what is left for me? Will I have to deal with dressing as my only escape? I can get so confused.

melanie

[Karren H]

Well Melanie..... do what I do..... don't think about it... just do what you love to do... If you spend all your time trying to figure out or rationalize what we are doing.... your going to get frustrated and waste a lot time and end up in the same place.... confused and still not knowing why... I'd rather be dumb and happy... but that's just me....

[NathalieX66]

Hi Melanie,
It sounds like you are still on the road from self discovery to self realization, being that you are somewhere between those two points.

IMHO, this is the time that you need to get other people involved, whether it be a counselor, or even a crossdressing support group. It's best to talk to as many people who have been down this road and see for yourself. We are humans first, TG's second....that means we humans are social animals, and I'm a firm believer that we make our lives happier when we have people in our lives rather than going at it alone.
N

[prene]

Well Melanie..... do what I do..... don't think about it... just do what you love to do... If you spend all your time trying to figure out or rationalize what we are doing.... your going to get frustrated and waste a lot time and end up in the same place.... confused and still not knowing why... I'd rather be dumb and happy... but that's just me....

Karren has it all the way.

Do what you can reasonably do and go with it.

I agree with her line "I'd rather be dumb and happy".

I think she is not dumb though . . . very astute.

[kellycan27]

Karren has it all the way.

Do what you can reasonably do and go with it.

I agree with her line "I'd rather be dumb and happy".

I think she is not dumb though . . . very astute.

Let's not forget that that for some it can be a whole lot more than just crossdressing. Not so easy to just play it off as some kind of lark, or doing it just for fun.
Kelly

[Alicia Grey]

I am envious of the life a woman can lead, and the experiences (physical and emotional) she can have. The male 'experience' seems to pale in comparison.

I don't think you will find anyone who will disagree with this statement.

We are all searching for that feminine part of the human experience.

[Barbara Dugan]

Let's not forget that that for some it can be a whole lot more than just crossdressing. Not so easy to just play it off as some kind of lark, or doing it just for fun.
Kelly

Yes sometimes I think is more than just dressing

[Kate Simmons]

No one ever said womanhood was an easy row to hoe. By virtue of who we are, we seem to have a unique perspective which can be either a "blessing" or a "curse" depending on how it's utilized. I see it as having the best of both worlds as Karren does.

[AmberLynn]

No one ever said womanhood was an easy row to hoe. By virtue of who we are, we seem to have a unique perspective which can be either a "blessing" or a "curse" depending on how it's utilized. I see it as having the best of both worlds as Karren does.

I have to aggre with the girl's. It does get scrambled like egg's some time's. 12 year's ago when i was still young i wanted to be a born again girl,but thru much life expirnce and talking with people i relized i was mirroly a way femmine man in emotion's and had no real disiare to become a woman just live as one if that make's since

[Monica73]

I think I'm in the same boat. I have under dressing off and on since a young age. Right now I've had "episodes" if you will where I can't eat or sleep without thinking about dressing completely full time or even more than that. However, I have a family and so I keep telling myself it's not possible. I have seen many post here though that it is possible and you need to follow who you really are. I also struggle with who am I. You are not alone, keep talking honestly with everyone and I'm sure we'll all figure it out in the long run.

[Kate Simmons]

Sex is about 5% physical and 95% between the ears.I don't think the concept of gender is too far behind that. It is said we are what we eat but we also are what we take in in a physiological way.

[CherylFlint]

I agree 100% with Karen Hutton.

[KimberlyJo]

But the reality is I have a loving wife and family that I would never do anything to disrupt their lives. So what is left for me? Will I have to deal with dressing as my only escape? I can get so confused.

I often feel the same way. Except, I started dressing to express my femininity and explore that side of my personality. Turns out, it's a much bigger part of me than my male side normally.

Although at times my urge to dress all but disappears. But I think that's just my subconscious trying to "reel it in". It's a terribly confusing lot, I agree wholeheartedly. For me, I'm just planning on continuing what I'm doing, dressing as much as I want (almost) and seeing where that takes me.

I've tried to "feminize" my male appearance and go out in public, but I always feel uncomfortable about it. Guess it's all or nothing, but I haven't had the courage to go out fully enfemme as of yet.

I would say that if your entertaining the idea of transitioning than you should probably speak to a gender counselor to try to work out how you really feel.

[Amy Hepker]

melanie, I know how you feel and I can say I have felt this way many times. It is what's inside of you, you are the only one who can come to terms with yourself. Like you said you have your family to think about and that will be your biggest draw back for you. You do not want to lose your family, but you need to satisfy your inner self. This will be very hard for you. Some CDers are able to get satisfied by going to CD meetings and being around others that do the same, but for some of us we need to find out for ourselves what it is like andif it is better. I will tell you that I dress 24/7 for 10 of the last 12 months and had a great time, but you need to have money coming in too, and being I had gotten laid off from my job it gave me the opertunity to try being female. I had a great time, but I was as stated without a job and without a Lady of my own and could not get either dressed like a Lady. I am a male and you could tell it. I did volenteer work at a LGBT church and that was great, but that was no money coming in, but a great experience. There is no place that was going to hire me over a real female for a receptionist position. So, I am now back to male dressing female when I have the time. My GGfriend knows I dress but wants nothing to do with it, she does not want to see her Man in a dress.

You for yourself will have to find that happy medium for now until you can dress. You have to figure your priorities in life. Your family should come first, but if you do still have to dress, I would tell your SO rather than have her find out on her own. If she thinks you are screwing around on her, she will tell her friends, and then when she finds out you were not cheating but rather dressing how is she going to tell her friends? It could be big trouble.

The thing is if you have to dress, then let your SO know, it may all go south, but if she finds out by herself what do think will happen then?

[Jaclyn NM]

I also agree with Karren, don't think about it, because you can't change who you are, and it will only lead to frustration. However, I will add that the one female experience, that I'm very happy not to go through is childbirth. I was present in the delivery room for all three of my children, and I thank God that I have such a wonderful and strong wife, because I'm afraid that if I had to go through that, we'd be childless, or at best have only one. And I played football in high school and college, and I played rugby when I was in the service, so I can take pain, but even that doesn't compare to childbirth.

[Karen564]

In the past few years though, I have found myself trying more and more to identify with a female side to myself and thinking about what being a woman would really be like- emotionally even more so that just physically.

Maybe you need some help with a gender therapist then....

But to be brutally honest here, If you have to try so hard to do that, sure, I do see you for sure as being transgendered, but I dont see you as being a transsexual if that's what your hinting to..
And if I'm correct in making that assessment, please believe me, you can count your blessings that your not a TS, not only for your sake, but for your families sake as well.. But if you are, then you will not be truly happy until you do transition as a woman..
But I'm not in your head, only you truly know how you feel deep inside, so all I can go on here is by what you said in your words only..

Just saying that from my own point of view as being a transsexual & having GID my entire life, and can tell you very honestly that I never had to try to identify with my emotions on my female side, those were always there in my head plain as day & with me 24 hrs a day & every day since I've been about 4 or 5 years old, so the hard part for me was trying to avoid my female side while trying my best to live as a guy..which in the end, just didn't work out very well..LOL

Now every day I think about this and feel a pang of longing for a life I never had a chance to experience.

OK, not trying to be cruel here..it's just a question so,,,
Just wondering here, have you by chance had too much time on your hands lately, are you working or unemployed?? And ask because I've seen many good people in their idle time let their mind get the best of them wondering about this & that & fantasizing when their preoccupied or obsessed with something, anything, that's all..

Of course if you really feel you'd like explore those possibilities & desire to live as a woman 24/7 or whatever, so be it if that's what it takes to be at peace.. But as a transsexual, there is no choice in this matter, it's like do it or die, many of us fight it for years, some longer than others, but never the less comes a time when you cant fight it anymore & consumes your every thought until you give in..

Again, think about your family, and think about getting some professional help...just so you can end any confusion your having.. and look a little deeper within your soul and start asking yourself some really hard questions, hopefully you can find some relief & happiness from those answers, no matter what they are..

So hopefully what I said here can help you one way or the other in some small way, but only you can figure out your own escape & what's best for you..

Wishing you the best of luck..

[suchacutie]

The dressing for me is, effectively, setting a stage for my exploration. It was rather a shock a few years ago when the femininity we call Tina appeared, and it was clear I knew very little about her even though she had apparently been with me forever. I need to know who she is.

The ritual of changing into her brings into focus the psychology and emotional aspects of being feminine, and links the outward appearance with the femininity within. Where will this lead? I haven't a clue. I hope it brings me to an understanding of who Tina is and the role she plays in our life. I can't imagine being without her now that I am beginning to understand who she is.

I agree with Karen that putting labels on it doesn't help it go forward, and I've come to simply not worry about it and "go with the flow" in the context of the rest of my life!

tina

[MelanieP]

Thanks to everyone for their thoughtful and supportive responses... I'm still undecided where to go from here...I probably need to let some time pass and see how things unfold. Unfortunately, I am a deep thinker, so can't just let it go and enjoy things as they come. I dwell on things like this sadly. I am also not sure about telling by wife. I understand the reasons given for doing so, and I hate keeping secrets from her, but this is one thing that I believe she would rather not know about me for the time being. We have young children and I want to insure that we can provide a stable and loving environment for them to grow up in. Coming out about Melanie would be a wrecking ball for sure. For now, I would rather sacrifice some of my deepest desires and needs for the sake of my family's needs. It may sound like a cop out to some, but its really about being selfless as opposed to selfish.

Melanie

[Allsteamedup]

There is a very simple remedy to your current dilemma. Help around the house. With a young family, no-one will suspect that you feel all womanly as you mop the kitchen floor, prepare breakfast, make lunchboxes and answer the 'phone, all at the same time!
Your wife will appreciate how considerate you are. You see, Melanie, there is so much more to looking at a woman's role than feeling about it. You are your childrens' father. No matter how you feel, they have one mother.
My husband aped me to the point of taking my hairstyle and colour and wearing my clothes, but he would never do any of my chores. Being a woman to him is all the nice, clean things. He needed to do a messy job last week so I gave him a pinafore and rubber gloves. He put the gloves on first and couldn't do up the pinny!
Nobody can crucify you for what you are thinking/feeling, and your family will appreciate a thoughtful parent. Envying the 16hrs days your wife puts in will be the most unusual start to a transition I ever heard. Enjoy life! that's what it is about!

[Ruth]

Excellent post. It's easy to idealize the female situation when viewed from the outside. And I don't think anyone in their right mind, female or male, would welcome the pain of childbirth. Also, try doing the day-to-day unpleasant stuff that wives and and mothers cope with so well and see how it sits with your yearnings about being a woman.

[MelanieP]

I will admit, I probably idealize the female life somewhat, but that is hard to avoid. Regarding childbirth, I don't mean to say I would welcome the associated pain, but more that I would not look upon the whole experiences of pregnancy and childbirth as an 'unfortunate and unpleasant chore' to have to go through by virtue of being female. Say, if it were possible for either of the parent to choose which would bear their young (unrealistic scenario biologically I know, but just for argument's sake), then I could see myself volunteering for that privilege, even at the expense of the associated discomforts. Does that make sense?

Funny also as I feel that I contribute to household chores and helping with my kids more so than the average father. I regularly cook meals, wash dishes, do laundry, give my kids their baths, comb my daughter's hair on top of the more 'manly' activities. I never thought about those experiences as providing a female stimulus for myself as AllSteamedUp suggested, but I do proscribe to trying to be as helpful in these traditional female activities as possible!

[Miranda09]

Well Melanie..... do what I do..... don't think about it... just do what you love to do... If you spend all your time trying to figure out or rationalize what we are doing.... your going to get frustrated and waste a lot time and end up in the same place.... confused and still not knowing why... I'd rather be dumb and happy... but that's just me....

Just have fun it with and don't try to analyze it. I often fantasize what it would be like to be a female, but that ain't gonna happen, as I like my male side just as much.

[sheidelmeidel]

Karren has it all the way.

I think she is not dumb though . . . very astute.

Karren pretends to be a dumb blonde, but I don't think she's fooling anybody!

[fyxenlisa]

What's wrong with just dressing as an only escape? You have to balance the potential effect on your family of wanting to take things further against what you will get out of it. Personally, I have times where all I can think about is dressing 'en femme' and fantasise about going out, being a woman etc, usually at times when work isn't too good and I need an escape. I could think that everyone should just accept what I am and just go with my desires, but I have other responsibilities (wife, kids, job, mortgage etc) to think of. These will always be affected by one's decisions.

I know that everyone is different, but it's a balance you've got to find. The trouble is, if you go too far, too early I guess that it's impossible to go back.

Still, that's far too much thinking for one day, back to being another happy dumb blonde.

Lisa

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Melanie

cliche warning...
Looking at your comments I can see a Pandora's Box sitting there.
Almost every girl here has that box sitting there and what's inside is different for all of us.

The girls are right to counsel you to just go with the flow. That works for so many folks but many folks that crossdress seem to overthink the situation for all kinds of reasons. Just chill out, approach dressing as something fun and relaxing for you and do it.

HOWEVER...(and its a big however! heh)

You may find (and you may have already found) that your dressing is not about relaxing and having fun and you may wish it was.. You may find yourself thinking about it all the time and find it consuming your every moment, hating every moment that you are spending as a male
That happened to me, and I opened the box..heh...oops

Seriously though...if you are dressing for fun and relaxation, then you are well served to balance your dressing with everything else and enjoy your special talents!! I tried so hard to do that but over time, I realized the truth I was hiding from myself.

Only you can tell why you are dressing, and only you can decide what to do about it, but that takes alot of work and alot of self inspection that can be very painful.

I hope you can figure it all out!

kate