The dark side of Cross dressing

[susant]

Hi,
I have been struggling to cope twith my renewed interest in cross dressing after an absence of 20 years. As explained in previous posts sharing with my wife is not an option. For that reason i have decided to limit my dressing to ocasionally under dressing . I recently made an appointment with a dressing sevice fo a full transformation for next month and up to a few days ago I have really been looking forward to the experience of being fully en-femme in a discrete way.However in the last day or so my urge to dress seems to have waned considerably and I am thinking of canceling the booking. This feeling my in part be due to an artice I read while browsing entitled "The dark side of cross dresing" the link is :
http://www.jenellerose.com/htmlposti...ingtheUrge.htm
The article questions whether crossdressing is healthy and even therapeutic and that it is practiced by ultra-sensitive men who are lucky enough to possess "feminine" souls.... and that Society is bigoted. If the world were more accepting of human differences and distinctions, and less caught up in arbitrary and nonsensical gender roles, cross dressers wouldn't have any problems at all. It's quite and in depth article and I can identify with many of the points made. It has set me thinking ( and worried me) about how I go forward. If you have time you might read some of it. Any comments and advice would be most welcome.

Susan

[windycissy]

It's a little hard for me to take seriously an article that's printed on paper showing a hot chick falling out of her dress and stilettos...anyway I've always resisted being stereotyped, life's what you make it and that includes crossdressing, you can either feel guilty or liberated by putting on "forbidden" clothing and playing with makeup, I choose liberation!

[izzfan]

I read this article a couple of years ago (when I was first researching the whole subject of crossdressing) and although it does make some interesting points about the pyschology of some crossdressers (including me in my early crossdressing days), I don't think it really presents crossdressing in an entirely positive way (and it could be open to misinterpretation by non-crossdressers who happen to read it). I shouldn't let the article worry you, the "pink fog" is something which I lot of crossdressers tend to go through at some point in their lives.

The last sentence of the article is definately true though "What he is, is a cross dresser. He will continue to be one for the rest of his life." It is nothing bad, it is not an "addiction".

The main problem lies within society and its rigid gender roles, for a more in-depth view of this I reccomend "Gender Outlaw" by Kate Bornstein, which is an absolutely fascinating book.

Another interesting article about how some people percieve crossdressing can be found at: http://www.mycdlife.com/2009/06/cros...tive-addiction

[Ruth]

I notice the page was put up 12 years ago, has not been updated, and most of the links from it are dead. Still, it's worth a read.
It's one of those pieces where nothing is actually untrue, but it's all had such a negative spin put on it that it could really depress you if you weren't careful. Anyway, the traps that Karen describes are there but we don't all have to fall in. A life of CDing is possible without dire consequences.
There are more cheerful things to read, so don't feel you have to go to this one.

[Sara82]

I think this article describes the very worst case scenario when dealing with crossdressing as an extreme fetish/fantasy, that is all consuming. I don't indentify as a CDer, but I gender-bend everyday, without crossing the line or going beyond my own comfort zone to function in society. e.g. "The man in a dress". And this is not consuming my life, isolated me from my friends and family, nor putting me into financial debt, etc etc.

But what I do find to be some what true and troublesome, is that the more we seem to reject these rigid gender roles, and accept ourselves, the more we isolate ourselves from mainstream society.

[NathalieX66]

SiusanT, you forgot this link, too. it is a more neutral decription, from the same site:
http://jenellerose.com/htmlpostings/...emperament.htm

[EveMarie]

For some reason deep inside I can't let this one pass. I read the article and I'm somewhat offended.

Now, a disclaimer. I don't pretend to be a professional psychiatrist or therapist. But I'm no ignoramus either. I've been dressing in some form or fashion for over thirty years. That experience has left me with some insights. I've personally seen, experienced, or encountered all of the problems referenced in this section. I know of what I speak.

Having recently been urged to "explore" Evie and research what I believe to be me, I came across this this article link: http://www.docbushong.com/pubs/what_is_gender.asp
and I have to tell you after reading this and then a little more investigation I must say my eyes have been opened.

I am on a journey to discover who I am and "what" I am, and seeing references by other than proven certified professionals it's difficult to say the least to come to grips with a plaguing issue that has become the foundation of my existence. I'm approaching 60 and to be this confused and indecisive at this time in my life is no picnic.

'nough said

Evie

[Stephenie S]

Well Susant,

That article did just what it was supposed to do for you. It increased your shame and guilt.

It was mostly psychobabble and old fashioned ideas. Note how old it is. I was appalled when I read it 10 years ago, and my opinion hasn't changed. Try to ignore it and try to enjoy your life. Guilt and shame have no place in your life at all. CDing isn't immoral or illegal. You are breaking no laws, neither God's nor man's.

99.9% of the people in this world don't give a fig what you are wearing, and the few who do aren't worth paying any attention to. If your wife objects, keep her out of it. There is no reason at all why she needs to get involved with something she doesn't like.

Live your life for you, not some idiot on line. When our lives are over, it's almost never the things we DID that cause us regret, it's the things we DIDN'T do.

Lovies,
Stephenie

[Sherry-Stephanie]

I read the article and I agree with most of it's contents....I think it's as normal for a young teenage to use women's clothing for sexual stimulation just as he uses his father's Playboy mags or any other items to generate the "erotic" that they engage in at that age....

I read somewhere that 80% of all males engage in their first sexual expereinces with members of, and some subsequence experiences, with males their own age....but we all know 80% of the male population doesn't turn gay...so not all boys who uses fememine clothing cross dresses for life...

The one thing that I will disagree with is the title....'The Darkside of Crossdressing'....for I don't believe that if our crossdressing is generated by a stronger female side that it constitue "a darkside"....I believe that it comes about from an "enlightenment" of one's self awareness that we have a female side within us..(acknowledge) followed by the being OK with it..."acceptence", followed by 'validating' this female side of self though the act of dressing....

Now some might disagree, but how many CDers have difficulty in accepting their dressing with guilt or shame and how many have no issues what so ever. Their world is free of any issues etc....so not all Cders go though a life of guilt shame or whatever else affects their pshyic

He also mentions that CDers tend to hang and socialize with other CDers??? Well DUH so do most other members of sociality....cops tend to hang with other cops...lawyers with other lawyers doctors with other doctors....in general human beings tend to socialize with those who are engaged in similar traits and lifestyle....it's normal and not unnormal for human speciaes to break into sub groups with similar traits and likes....that's what socializing is all about....

Bottom line is we each have to discover ourselves and be true to ourselves before we can be true with others....

JMHO....Yours may vary....and that is what makes up unique as human beings....

[Karren H]

You read too much... Don't let other people tell you what you feel or don't feel or what crossdressimg is all about.. Its different for everyone.. If you want to crossdress and it makes you happy and does no harm to others.. Then go do it... If not.. Find another hobby..

[sheidelmeidel]

I read those pages a long time ago and I think they are right on and are not dated at all, I saw nothing that could be called psychobabble, just brutally honest and objective. But as others have said, that doesn't mean you have to throw yourself out of the nearest window, it just means you should reflect on yourself and be honest with yourself and try to keep things in perspective. That material should serve as a warning. Enjoy yourself, don't feel guilty about something you cannot change, but proceed with caution.

[susant]

Thank you all for your thoughts and words of wisdom.Making the appointment was a big step for me and I suppose I want to feel 100% happy with what I am doing and not have any regrets or feeling of guilt or shame, hence my browsing article on the web.I guess there will be days and weeks where you don't always feel like dressing.

Susan

[Raychel]

You read too much... Don't let other people tell you what you feel or don't feel or what crossdressimg is all about.. Its different for everyone.. If you want to crossdress and it makes you happy and does no harm to others.. Then go do it... If not.. Find another hobby..

I like the way you think Karren, My thoughts exactly.

[Michelle S]

CDing in itself is not unhealthy. But if your desire to cross dress would do harm to your marriage and was not really that strong maybe you should skip it. You've gotten through life without it so far. You are starting to sneak around your wife. This is a bad sign. I think you should not go to the transformation service until (if ever) you feel you can be open with your spouse.

If you really want to cross dress your first step should not be buying panties, wigs and such, but rather to learn how to communicate with your wife about your inner self. If you can't do that, try to forget about CDing. It will only bring you pain.

[susant]

Once again thanks for you replies. You have certainly given me plenty to think about. One point I don't think CDing is just another hobby like painting, soccer or ice hockey.

[Michelle S]

Good luck to you which every way you go. (My first post came off a little harsher in tone than I intended.)

[sherri]

In this less than perfect world we live in, there are definitely downsides to CDing. I'll spare you my own laundry list, but I think it's extremely important to be objective and realistic, to take a full accounting before starting down this primrose path. It is the nature of this forum to rush to legitimize and encourage CDing, but if you pay attention over time you'll notice there's quite a bit of wreckage by the side of the road. Everyone's situation is different, so you better count the cost in your own.

And I agree totally with Michelle. If you don't give your wife her full due of respect and consideration, you can't really expect much in return.

[Karren H]

Once again thanks for you replies. You have certainly given me plenty to think about. One point I don't think CDing is just another hobby like painting, soccer or ice hockey.

Who said hockey is a hobby?? Hockey IS our lives... (Some of us...) life is just where we spend our time between games!

[sherri52]

You can't always believe what you read. As a child crossdresser I was not inferior to the other boys nor was I ashamed of what I did. I was an athelete in school and feared by most who crossed me (I did grow up). No longer feared because I have a good attitude on life, I still crossdress. The article was writen by someone with all of these caracteristics and not with any research of others. In this forum you will find many different forms and reasons for cd'ing. Many of those are not listed in this article.

[Carly D.]

I think I borrowed that for a part of my explanation paper that I wrote.. I wanted to have something on paper to explain why the clothes I have and possibly be found in the event of an accidental death might explain part of why I cross dress.. I went back and started to read all of this that I wrote (some fifty pages front and back), got bored and edited it down to five then a few months later deleted or rather shreded the rest of the lot.. now in the case of an accidental death by me and they find my fem clothes I think they will figure it out..

[busker]

Susant,
I have to agree with sheidelmeidel that the articles--3 that I could get the links to work--were right on the money. The dark side is the social consequences of cding, and whether some members of the forum disagree, doens't necessarily make it not so. If psychology was a lot of hooey, advertising would never have gotten off the ground.There are many stories here of wrecked marriages, several false marriages, hiding clothing, wives that dislike or hate this activity and those that condome it may have issues of their own to deal with.
I think any activity engaged in by humans, can have a downside from obsessive behaviour to excessive costs and worse . Examples are people who will wait all night in shopping malls just for a chance at a sale, or I remember reading of one guy who finally got an x-box (he was 26 as I remember, married, ) and took a week off work just to play. Is this "adult " behaviour? Excessive I would say.
I too had alull of about 25 years and have recently taken up this "curse" again. While I can say I didn't engage in activity, it occasionally crossed my mind during those years and now I am engaging in a minor way. I've never hankered to get out in public, I don't yearn to be a woman, and I'm hetero.
As mentioned by several posters, you have a duty to your family but you don't have to make it a cross to bear. Perhaps counselling might help you but can certainly continue to talk about your feelings here. Talk is always good--it helps clarify things sometimes.
Mandrake

[docrobbysherry]

Because our society SO WRONGLY discriminates against CD/TGs! Who GENERALLY r nice GMs, wearing dresses!

Because SEX IS one of the reasons I dress, and I'm constantly MADE TO FEEL GUILTY for that!

Because the article is correct about CDing affecting my relations with GGs!

Because altho I know CDing IS a harmless, (to others), "hobby"! I STILL feel guilty doing it!

[Wen4cd]

Susant, that article is what I call 'suicide.html.' It's purpose, on the surface, is to tear you down, make you feel like dirt, and shovel hopelessness down your throat, with the hopes that you'll feel as miserable as the sad-sack bar-stool psychologist who wrote it. Misery loves company.

But it's real purpose was to make the author feel 'smart.' Make him feel like he 'figured something out.' He probably tells people he's a 'writer' on social and gender issues, hoping that they'll hear 'expert.'

He figured out how to insult fellow human beings doing him no wrong, a skill most learn at about age 12, then develop beyond. Captain Obvious probably was pretty pleased with himself over his little poorly disguised rant. For as much as the author talks about 'masturbation,' he apparently fails to realize that he's intellectually masturbating all over the page on that piece.

Read on. You can chose behaviorist despair, or you can chose uplifting points of view.

I would suggest just "doing whatever makes you happy," but many of us do like to make others happy along with ourselves, so a little study in the matter is usually good in finding an outlook that works for both us and those around us. This behaviorist twaddle in that article just does the opposite.

[sissystephanie]

Karren stated the obvious very succinctly in her first post on this thread.

I have been crossdressing, off and on, for more years than most of you people on the forum have been alive. I am age 77 and started crossdressing somewhere between age 6 and 7. I have never felt there was a "dark side" to wearing what looked and felt good, even if it was feminine!!

I read this "stupid" paper many years ago! Did not agree with it then and still don't! It is one persons opinion of things,and not a very well thought out opinion at that. There is no factual evidence to back up what is stated there, so why would anyone take it as fact? One point, he makes the statement that CD's are men wearing womans clothes. What about the FtoM CD's? There are certainly lots of them. And not all CD's wear feminine clothing for sexual purposes! When my wife was alive I sometimes wore feminine clothing during sex, but only because she asked me to!

As Karren said, if you like it then do it. If you don't like it, find something else to do! Just keep your guilt to yourself!

[Jocelyn Quivers]

I also read that article a long time ago during my denial days. Looking back at the article it makes me thankful I've found this site.