I think fear stems from secrets. Wives start thinking, if he didn't tell me this, what else isn't he telling me? If he wants to be dressed as a woman, does that mean he wants to be with a man? If he says no now, will that change? And I think all of that boils down to a wife feeling like they're lacking in some way and not enough for their partner.
If you walk into a stressful situation with those assumptions running around in your head, it's hard to hear what's really being said to you by your husband.
I went through the "does he want to be with a man when his femme side is out?", and "will he leave me for a man?", when my partner first came out.
But as we figure out where Melissa fits into our lives, that concern became less and less. But the only way our stressful issues have been resolved is by talking about it over and over again.
There's no way I could come out with my bi side or him to come out with his CD side, with other people, and see it turn into the constructive supportive environment that we've created. I credit the way we communicate.
I think in order to deal with fears and assumptions, both parties have to be willing to listen. I find that fear usually stems from misinformation that feeds into assumptions.
The more things I wonder about when it comes to my partner's CDing, the more questions I ask. I would rather get the answers from
him than to go on an assumption only to find I stressed myself out needlessly about something. It's also not my place to decide how he feels about something or assume why does/doesn't do something. He should have the right to answer for himself.
I've come to find that she's becoming just as much a part of me, as she is a part of him. We sort of share her I guess. She brings out a different side of me that interests my partner, and I'm interested in his more submissive side that is Melissa.
But you're right...the support and openminded part of it comes from lack of fear. And a whole heap of trust. I trust what he says about how he feels, why he CD's (even if the reasons change over time) and in the end the rule is, "if one of us is uncomfortable, than we discuss." That way it doesn't give "fear" a chance to dig in her Manolo Blahnik heels and wreak havoc.