Need to Get This Off My Chest....

[PantyhoseNPumps]

Hello Everyone, I'm Christine... I'm relatively new to the board, but feel like I'm around likeminded girls, some of which share some of the things going on in my life now, and I really need to get something off my chest in an attempt to get on with life. I have been going through some very difficult times the last couple of years, and have been offline for at least that long, all the while, also due to changes in my home situation, have had to keep Crissy bottled up inside. I figure that it would be a good idea to re-introduce myself, so here goes...Crissy is not a "fetish" or "a stage" in my life, Crissy is one very impotrant half of me, a half that is very, very real and needs to live, breath, and interact with the world. Crissy has been a part of me as long as I can remember, first showing herself to me at a very early age. Even then, I knew that she would be with me forever...as long as the male side of me was alive. I recall one night, when I "brought Crissy out", and had'nt in a couple of months...When I finally saw her face in the mirror, I cried...as I had missed her so much! Things in my life had been great for a long time, I had a very sucessful business, which allowed Crissy pretty much unlimited shopping sprees, and allowed lots of travel time, for me to let her come out "in private". Things were great with the family life as well, bought a million dollar 5/3 home in a very upscale community in Central Fla., I was able to provide for my family everything they could ever want, bought myself the dream Porsche that I always wanted...My marriage was unbelievable..While like most here I'm sure, my wife does not know of my "Femme" side. I did, however, let her in on my love of silky things...pantyhose, sheer panties, high heels and such. I was estatic that she was accepting of it, putting me (and her) in expencive silky pantyhose and high heels when we made love. We'd slide our nylons against eachother over satin sheets and it was the most incredible feeling in the world, especially, that I got to share it with my S.O. She would even, many times, buy us matching nighties, it really was a very special time for us. Things really could not get any better for all of us. My business was doing so well that others began copying my business plan, and my market share dropped to dangerous levels. I knew that the business was sinking, and there was not much I could do about it. I got very stressed out, and handled it the only way I could...I just tried to "numb myself". I developed a little bit of what they call a "substance abuse issue", was living away from the family in hotel rooms, and living in a fog. I crashed and totalled my Porsche (with no insurance), almost killed myself...generally displaying a lot of self destructive behavior. Long story short, I lost the business, lost our house, and almost lost my family. In a moment of clearity, I took inventory of my life, and decided to regroup my life and dedicate myself to my family. We looked for a simpler life, on a small island in Florida, and found it, renting a small apartment for the three of us and our 4 pets. Things between the three of us never really got much better though. Things are not good, at all. It's been going on 4 years now since "my episode", and neither my wife or son seems to have forgiven me yet. I basically have no marriage anymore, for all practical purposes. We have not made love in months, and not that it has any bearing on it, have'nt seen seen the "silky things" in years either. She does not like me, and I know that she does feel the same way about me that she used to. She has over the years, transformed into the masculine role in the relationship. In addition to her being the "bread winner" now, She has transformed into someone who thinks like a man, dresses and acts like a man...she displays virtually no feminine qualities anymore, no tenderness, no compassion, no caring. The only femininity in our home is the femininity that I have within myself, but must control to keep up masculine appearances. This probably contrubutes to my need to let Crissy surface, and breathe once again. My son has no respect for me, and we rarely speak civilally anymore. I love the both of them with all my heart, and would of course, die for them. I've been stuck in this little apartment 24/7,on this little island, unemployed for going on four years now. My day consists of doing the previous nights dishes, planning the evenings dinner, feeding the animals, sweeping, making beds, mopping, and making dinner. Then I take my sleeping pills (insomnia..bad), and wake up to do it all over again. I have really lost my place in this world. I have no purpose in life, no friends, I have no family to talk to, the only thing that I have..is Crissy, and I can't even let her out anymore. There is no employment for me here, and after all this time and effort, things are not going to improve with my family, unless I can get away for a year or so and find "my place in this world". I've made a decision to make a change for the better, I'm planning on moving to where my heart is...NYC. I have several employment opportunities in Manhattan, and I'm going to go for it. I absolutely love Manhattan, and am looking forward to let Crissy come back out with a vengance. I don't really know anybody there, especially don't have any fellow "girlfriends" there, but if the was ever a place where Crissy could walk proudly down the sidewalk, it's there. I really want and need to make some new girlfriends there to talk to and socialize with. I dream of the day when I can go out "clubbing" with some other girls! That's where I am at physically and emotionally now. I have been crying now for weeks over my relationship with my wife and son, and now I have to do whats best for me. Words cannot explain how all alone and lonely that I have been...for so long. After a year or so, I'll come back home to see where I stand with them, but for now, I just have to do what's right for me, and Crissy. As they say..."how can other people love you, if you don't love yourself". Thanks for letting me vent, and if any of you NYC girls feel like taking a sweet southern girl under your wing, I'd really love to hear from you, and I really need the friendship. Christine Gwen Sweetleggs..

[az_azeel]

Christine i wish you well on your new life and hope things work out for you in the future...

PS you posted this in the wrong section and i have moved it to what i think is the right place...

[DinaMature]

Christine... I'm very sorry to hear you're struggling so, that your relationships and everything else around you seems to be in the midst of trial. You're still finding a path to some level of recovery but this kind of healing takes time. I do wish you all the best.

[AllieSummers]

I wish you all the luck too. You have gone through a tough time in your life. I'm sure it is almost impossible to find a silver lining but I do strongly believe that everything happens for a reason. You might not be able to see it now but you will eventually.

You most likely have a higher purpose. Go find it!!!

Kisses,

Allie

[sheidelmeidel]

Sounds like this isn't a rash decision on your part and you know what you need to do. Still, proceed with caution and try to create as little "collateral damage" as possible (easier said than done).

NYC is not for the faint of heart, but if you've got serious, viable employment opportunities, then go for it. But make sure that you don't uproot yourself and then suddenly find yourself unemployed in the Big City - your job has to be solid. You will have no trouble making friends in NYC, you can be certain of that.

[sherri]

In no shape or form do I presume to know better than you anything about your situation. Only you and your wife can figure out if your marriage is salvageable. I just want to encourage to keep two things in mind:

1. The long overdue freedom to express Crissy will no doubt be thrilling for awhile, but imho that alone is not enough for true fulfillment. Most of us need more than that. Like all fogs, the pink ones don't last forever. What's left when it lifts is not the destination, it's what you build on.
2. Don't give up on your son. He's at a difficult age under the best of circumstances, plus he lacks the life lessons to regard your difficulties with the compassion they deserve. Kids that age tend to be a tad self-absorbed, thinking only of how things affect them. That's only natural. But if you are patient and consistent in your love toward him, and -- this is huge from his point of view -- you are successful in your effort to rebuild your career and provide for him the things he needs from his dad, odds are very good that in time he will come around. Imho, it is your sacred duty to do everything in your power to make it possible for that to happen. It may take a long time, but don't give up. Whether he knows it or not, he needs his dad.

I respect your honesty about your own mistakes tremendously. I can't help but believe that same honesty and humility will see you through to better days. Let's hope they come sooner rather than later.

[jayme357]

There is a wonderful organization in NYC called Crossdressers International (cdi.com). They will provide all the support you need. Good luck and listen carefully to the advice you have received on this thread.

[karennjcd]

Christine,

I think you know that you're among friends here, and you're certainly welcome back.

I thnk you and everyone else reading this also knows that the issues here are far above and beyond CD'ing. You've had some self destructive incidents which were a cry for help; I hope you're getting that for everyone's sake.

As for your family not accepting you, they need to perhaps go for help as well. There can't be anything more devastating to a parent than your own flesh and blood rejecting you. As for your spouse, it's clear to me that she may have her own issues (some of which I can't condone and others which you should accept the way you want her to accept Christine). The fact you say she is dressing in a manly fashion and assuming more dominant roles, perhaps that is just her and she might even be a member of another forum on this very board.

That in itself puts you and her on an even keel, and perhaps the relationship can somehow be repaired by mutual acceptance of one another. Where your child fits into all that is another subject entirely though. There is couples and even family counseling which may be required her if things are to go back to some semblance of normalcy.

Money issues of course can hurt any relationship, and they are a test of true love. But if it becomes apparent that she was interested in you only because you could afford a million dollar home, and she can't accept you now that you can't, then I think you know what the answer is. Run for the hills, but do get a good attorney so you can try to repair the damage to the relationship you have with your child. You have to be careful in divorce court as it may seem to a closed-minded judge that both parents have qualities that might threaten their ability to be a good parent. Some judges just don't like CD's, even if it's argued that this activity doesn't take place in the company of the child. If the differences between you and your spouse are irreconcilable, then fight tooth and nail for 50% custody, and be happy with that as genetic males usually don't get any more than that unless a VERY convincing case can be made that the mother is unfit.

I wish you the best of luck.

Karen

[Sherry-Stephanie]

Christine...

I feel your pain...the past 12 years haven't been a walk in the park for me either....it's been one grind after another and the marriage took a significant hit over the summer...but rather than going to NTC I went to SW Florida....but am now back in good old "bubbaland"....

Anyway if you want to talk PM me and we'll chat....otherwise...Go for it pick yourself up of the ground dust yoruself off and look around and see what direction you want to go....and then god speed to you girl....you'll do find....we all get knocked down a few times in our lives....but the winner keep on getting up and refuse to quit!!!!

Stephanie

[Alice B]

I can't even imagine what you have been through because I'm lucky to have a stable relationship and life. But I do wish you all the happines you deserve and luck in you new life. Keep us posted on hoew it progresses.

[NathalieX66]

[QUOTEThings are not good, at all. It's been going on 4 years now since "my episode", and neither my wife or son seems to have forgiven me yet. I basically have no marriage anymore, for all practical purposes. We have not made love in months, and not that it has any bearing on it, have'nt seen seen the "silky things" in years either. She does not like me, and I know that she does feel the same way about me that she used to. She has over the years, transformed into the masculine role in the relationship. In addition to her being the "bread winner" now, She has transformed into someone who thinks like a man, dresses and acts like a man...she displays virtually no feminine qualities anymore, no tenderness, no compassion, no caring. The only femininity in our home is the femininity that I have within myself, but must control to keep up masculine appearances"][/URL][/B][/QUOTE]
Number one, putting your text in pink does not help because it's harder to read on my screen, thus I'm getting fatigued trying to read what you say .

But mainly, I think the fact that you said your wife, being the breadwinner, thinks and acts like a man tell me that, in her mind, she is now in survival mode.

It could be that she is accustomed to living the high life that you had when the economy was at high tide, and that your engaging in simple indulgences like silk and sheer lingerie was fun when all was good, and you being Crissy was harmless fun during the good old days , but once sH** hit the fan, and everything fell apart financially, she saw that Crissy had no place. In her mind, Crissy does not put food on the table or put a roof over her head, o even the family. Maybe Crissy is a way of self-medicating yourself during hard times, I have no idea, bu maybe your wife and son aren't understanding either. I'm sure it is a blow. Maybe their expectaions about their own lives are also unreasonable.

We all have bad times. It could be that your family is far more expecting of you, even when today's economy offers little hope to regain the life you had. I have several friends that have worked on the financial sector making very comfortble six-figure salaries that are now out of work because they got laid off or the bank closed it's doors. It's very stressful for them, and they are on the verge of losing their own homes.

I can only tell you about myself, and hopefully this turns into advice: I, like my father and mother, am a sailor. If I was sailing a boat in the middle of the ocean by myself, and I hit a storm, and I had no food, and I was a thousand miles away from landfall, I would put my survival first before I would let ever Nathalie take control.

[ReineD]

Welcome Christine. Are your wife and son moving with you to NYC or is this something you would rather do alone?

I'm sorry for your losses and I hope you find your way.

[NathalieX66]

Welcome Christine. Are your wife and son moving with you to NYC or is this something you would rather do alone?.

Wait a sec.
I'm a "people" person.
I'm for keeping together instead of parting ways, and going it alone.

Besides, Manhattan is too expensive. Move to NJ where the real estate is cheaper, and just take the train or PATH into the city, and you're there within minutes.

[SuzanneBender]

Christine my heart goes out to you darling. I am sure you will find your way. I believe that things do happen for a reason and we are never given a test that is to great for us to handle. You are doing the most important thing. You are reaching out for friends. The world can be a tough place and having a shoulder to lean on and a friend to hand you a tissue is important.

I echo the sentiments of some of the other girls here. You have to do what your heart tells you to do and break out, but as you do it try to find a way to stay in touch with your son. It may be very tough going now, but he will always need you in his life even if he doesn't admit it.

I wish you the best of luck and you will be in my prayers.

[jaquie]

That is a tale from the heart.
I have dealt with many of the issues you have been involved with and it is heartwrenching. Having been blessed with a strong faith has carried me through. Talking it out with support groups is a big help as the load is lightened when hearing tales from others whose situations are far worse than your own. Alanon was a big help to me. There are many help groups out there. I can only offer my prayers for you and hopefully you will find your way in time.
Jaqui

[Allsteamedup]

No matter what has happened (and my husband managed to be out of work for a total of seven years in twenty-eight) your wife and son have not given up on you.
Your wife obviously is the breadwinner and if you consider anyone in that role to be more masculine, that's your judgement.
She will feel completely alone that you have not found work so that you might make a better future together. Have you in tirn taken the homemaker role so that she isn't doing that one, too?
Moving somewhere else alone is not going to solve your problems. Presumably, you would like your wife to finance this venture? The way you handle this will teach your son a lot, particularly how to handle responsibility.
Your wife has invested a lot of time in your relationship and when your lifestyle altered she was not afraid to support your family financially. What she needs from you now is the commitment you started out with.
My husband solved his problem by always getting jobs away from home. Now the kids have left home he is realising what he has missed. If this is as much a problem about coming out to your wife, your timing isn't the best, but she deserves more than your just sloping off. Give it some thought.

[AlannahNorth]

Hello Christine,

That's quite a story and you seem to be in a very difficult situation. I'll simply wish you the best, and that your decisions will be the right ones for you and those you care for.

[lavistaa62]

The relationship I had with my father was a poor one for a variety of reasons and now that he's gone, it's a regret of mine that I did not force the lines of communication to stay open. When telephone calls and visits became awkward they were just avoided and that's a regret of mine. As a result no matter how little my son speaks with me I will continue call regularly when he's with his mom and to talk with him regularly when he's with me no matter how awkward it may at times be. Without that communication there's no chance for things to improve.

[PantyhoseNPumps]

I really appreciate all of you're kind words of encouragement, advice and guidance. I do feel somewhat better about the situation now, for the time being. I did have a few very emotional days there! I really do hope, Allie, that things happen for a reason, and Sherri, Crissy is not my reason for going to Ny, it's just that as I will be away from the family, she will again be able to surface. Just to live my alter ego, certainly would never be a reason to leave my family behind. Jayme, I will be looking up Crossdressers Intl, asap. Karen, I have no plans for divorce, never would, at least until my son is grown and out of the home. I love my son more than life itself, and I will ALWAYS be there for him. He is 16, and the age where he shuts his parents out of his life as much as he can, but that's normal. I know he loves me, but I believe that due to my "episode", and the resulting circumstances, he no longer has the respect for me that he once had. As fas as my "substance abuse issue", I did what apparently few can, I just stopped on my own. No rehab, no support groups, no counceling...just stopped. Everyone told me that it could'nt be done, but when my mind is made up about something, I see it through to the end. I never give up, and I will never give up on my son, or marriage for that matter. I don't want any of you to misunderstand me, I'm not leaving my family...I would never do that...I simply need to give them the space that I believe that they need to heal, and hopefully forgive me. After 3-4 years, they are still resentful, and there is this wedge. As I have been fighting all this time to repair this, and move forward as a family, it has been less than sucessful. As I said, "they say absence makes the heart grow fonder", I'm hoping that when I return from NYC after a year or so,that they will feel differently, and that I will feel differently about myself. If by chance not, then I'll revisit things. I fully intend of calling my son every single day that I am away. Also, in case anyone misunderstood, my wife is not aware of Crissy...as much as I wish that I did'nt have the burden of keeping her secret from my wife, she is of the type that would not understand. Thanks to all of you, again, your kind words have really and truely...made a world of difference! Crissy