GG Could use some advice please....

[stargirlGG]

Hello;

New here. Been with my boyfriend for 2 years. Figured out that he was a CD relatively early on. He under dresses every day and fully dresses about twice a week. We don't live together due to kids and probably won't for a few years when the kiddies are out of the house. We do spend about 3 kid free nights a week together. Often those nights are spent in with him dressing. As far as I know I'm the only one who knows.

The issue that I am having trouble with is getting him to talk about it. He claims that he doesn't feel any different when he dresses and just doesn't want to talk about it. He's very very closed about his feelings re: CDing and I've tried to get him to open up but he just won't. I'm totally fine with it...have shopped with and for him, help him with his make-up, have been totally supportive. He's quite obviously way happier and more relaxed and fun when he's dresses, but his inability to talk about it is really starting to get to me. I think he's so ashamed on some level or in some sort of denial that he just doesn't want to deal with his feelings, maybe...who knows. It's frustrating and sometimes the whole thing just freaks me out. Mainly because I don't know what's going on in his mind. Maybe he doesn't know either.

I believe that I'm the first person in his life that he's dressed with, but who knows. He just won't go there. I'm not really sure about exactly what I'm asking, but I would appreciate any insight that any of you may have about how to get him to talk or what might be going on in his mind.

Thanks in advance!

[sherri52]

Welcome to the site Stargirl. I'm glad your standing by your man. It is tough for a cd to come out and talk with someone for the first time. He may be ashamed which I don't thimk so because he dresses with you there . He possibly doesn't know where to begin. Try asking him to dress before he does and mention to him that he is more fun when he dresses. Be careful not to take his manhood away as you talk. A lot of us like to dress and act and if lucky enough look like a woman but when we are dressed like men want to be just that men. If you can have him join this site it may help him to open up with you. Have him browse around until he is comfortable. Let him choose his own name and don't tell him yours thereby having his own privacy. I think the girls here may help him in his own understanding of himself.

[Kate's at home]

First, welcome to the site! It's great to have you join us.

Your impressions and/or intuition about your boyfriend may in fact be right on track. I'd bet on it, especially if he is relatively young. He may in fact be early in a long period of adjustment within himself, like most of us have gone through over time. It takes time to figure out within, much less with others. There is very definitely a developmental aspect to this that seems to go along with and run parallel to "normal" adult development simultaneously. And as you will see here, everyone "lands" at different places over time.

Again, trust your intuition. I would recommend approaching this with him in the same manner and same implied questions you have presented here. Try to be a bit patient if you can. You also absolutely have the right to be concerned and to ask with the idea of honest responses in return. Healthy and loving realtionships are built on this, of course.

It sounds like you really love him. He's blessed to have you. And good luck.

Kate

[Kathi Lake]

Stargirl,

I'm not so sure that you're the first one to talk to him about it. Sure, there's shame. Sure, there's awkwardness in being a crossdresser at times. Clamming up about it to someone who is supportive seems to be to be a sign of "once bitten, twice shy" to me.

Are you looking for a reason? Are you looking for not only what it means to him, but to you as well? Are the reasons really that important? He may not know many of the answers to the question you're asking himself.

Basically, I would suggest clearly letting him know that you want to understand him, but want to take it at his pace. Let him know that there is no shame in it in your eyes, and that you're ready and willing to support him when he is able to talk about it. It may take time. He's been dealing with it for most of his life, and still may not have all the answers.

Kathi

[sheidelmeidel]

First of all, you are being a very good girlfriend to him and he has confided in you about something that is very private and personal - perhaps the most private, personal thing for a man to reveal. He is lucky to have you.

The fact that he does appear to be comfortable dressing around you is a big plus - not only has he told you about it, he's showing it to you. I would urge you not to pressure him and not get too "freaked out" about his reluctance to verbalize what's going on - it is obviously very difficult for him and, as you said, he may not really know himself what's driving him or he may be in deep denial about it.

If you care for this guy, which apparently you do, just let time do its work. You can gently bring it up, in passing, maybe just in jest - gently lead him along - let him know that you would like to hear from him what's going on inside, but don't put him under pressure, that is likely to ruin everything. The more you show him that he can trust you and count on you, the more likely it is that eventually he will start talking.

[sissystephanie]

I really agree with Sherri's advice. Get him on the Forum and let him see what others CD'd do in similar circumstances. He will probably open up when he feels comfortable!

I do want to say, bless you for being accepting and supportive. GG's like you are all too few and far between. I was lucky enough to be married to one for almost 50 years before I lost her! He is very lucky to have you! Good luck to both of you!

[Sheila]

hun, for many of them it is hard to put into words how they feel, for many many reasons, sometimes it is shame, other times they can't find the right words to try to tell others who have not walked in their shoes ............ my ex was unable to open up and talk with me when I discovered his cding .... it frustrated the HE*L out of me, cos I was fine with it ....... shortly after I discovered he CDed I joined htis forum and in the G only section got to know Sandra ..... after about 3 months her and her partner came to the town where I then lived, we met them and boy did he sing like a canary, I sat their open mouthed in astonishment ............. he said afterwards it was because he did not have to dot the I's and strolke the T's ............ he did not have to use all the right words when talking to Nigella, because she already knew where she was coming form .......... hope that makes sense ...... it did to me at the time

Once you have your ten posts in, apply to join us in the FAB forum, there are some great GG's in there who will be able to help

OWWWWWW and hiya and welcome to the forum

[sherri]

I don't want to cloud the water, or appear to disagree with sherri52, whom I'm confident is honestly and accurately conveying how she feels.

But for others, like myself for example, it isn't a matter of male and female modes and being treated appropriately for each mode, but rather that a more thorough feminization has taken place or is taking place, so that we're pretty much the same no matter how we're dressed. I'm talking about a pretty fundamental transformation.

Anyway, whether or not that applies to your BFS situation, from my perspective, a reluctance to talk can be attributed to a couple of factors:

• He/she may be in the process of sorting all this out for himself and may not understand it all well enough to be confident in his ability to adequately express himself, or to act out what's going on inside him. And as others have mentioned, sometimes there is a certain amount of embarrassment, even shame, that has to be overcome in the process of becoming more comfortable in his own skin.
• He may not yet be secure enough in how you would react to full disclosure. This isn't necessarily any reflection on you personally or your relationship, but rather that the two of you just haven't yet arrived at that place of mutual understanding and trust on this particular issue.

But it sounds to me like you're on your way to getting there. Just don't push too hard right now, and be ready to respond to little cues and signs as he continues to test the waters.

Just a thought.

And as Sheila mentioned, I've heard a great many CDers and SOs talk about being helped enormously by interacting with other couples. Couldn't hurt.

[Karren H]

Personally I feel no difference between being dressed and not.. But that's developed over the last 5 dceades... And it would be hard for me to open up to anyone especially on a subject that most people think borders on perversion... In my humble opinion

[Holly]

...He's quite obviously way happier and more relaxed and fun when he's dresses, but his inability to talk about it is really starting to get to me...

First of all, . How about telling him that you want to share those things that make him happy? Mental intimacy is every bit as important as physical intimacy and you want to be intimate with him in every way possible.

On behalf of the community, thank-you for taking the time to learn more about us.

[TJ Tresa]

Oh my dear Star, why are you trying to make a mountain out of a mole hill. Has it occured to you that maybe he hasn't gotten anything to say about it. Men in general don;t talk as much as girls, and even though he likes to dress up as one doesn't mean he thinks like one. I know when I'm dressed I don't think or feel any differently than when I'm not dressed. My wife knows and has taught many little secrets about making the image more complete. But she doesn't expect me to communicate or relate on a feminine level. All of us CDers no matter how much we might want to can never have a female mind. W few of us may come close but will ultimately fall way short. Men and Women's mind simply work differently.
I think is great that you are accpeting and have helped him on a regular bases.
also I would like to welcome you to our forum, and one of the other girls said before try and get you SO to join that would be the easiest way for you to get him to talk about it, if in fact there is anything to talk about.

[RADER]

Welcome to the Site.

Personally I feel no difference between being dressed and not.. most people think borders on perversion... In my humble opinion

What Karren said is true. I feel the same dressed, underdress, or not at all.
As was said in some post above, He most likley had a bad experience or
was scared that someone saw him dressed, or cought is clothes and made
a big deal out of it. Once shamed, he went into the " closet" as it were.
The fact that he came out to you is a good sign. Go Very slowly and he
will come out of the hard shell. One idea, Get him all dressed up, and sit
down to some girl type talk, Maybe on fashion, makeup etc. Then ask him
a slighty on the subject questions, work your way into it. I bet you will
get some responses. Good luck; you are a very special person to be careing
enough to find this site and log on. You are a in a million. Rader

[Melanie Bryant]

Welcome to my world...my wife cannot believe it when i tell her that i feel the same way both as him and as her. I aked her who else would i feel like.

[sherri]

All of us CDers no matter how much we might want to can never have a female mind. W few of us may come close but will ultimately fall way short. Men and Women's mind simply work differently.

So which is it -- close, or way short? Maybe it's not the same for everyone? But I will grant you that "close" is as, um, close as most of us get. But it's not like I'm striving for that. For me, what it is is what it is. It has been a process of discovery, and still is.

[docrobbysherry]

Personally I feel no difference between being dressed and not.. But that's developed over the last 5 dceades... And it would be hard for me to open up to anyone especially on a subject that most people think borders on perversion... In my humble opinion

Add in some; guilt, shame, sex, gender confusion, and see what u get, Stargirl!

It's a wonder ANY of us can work out what/who we r!

Much less, discuss it with someone we REALLY care about, who mite choose to leave us AT ANY MOMENT!

[Wen4cd]

Stargirl, your issue is that he doesn't talk about why he dresses? Or that me might not know why? I'm not sure exactly what you're asking either, but I think you're looking for general knowledge and thought on CDing.

I reckon this is the place for it. The 'why's' are always in discussion somewhere here, and there are many different schools of thought. You can pick which you like, or form your own.

A little reading will show that there is no one definitive answer, and that many people are in the same place as you and your SO.

Usually, the first thing we try to do away with is shame, before going on to "finding meaning." Sometimes finding some meaning erases shame, and it's a simultaneous process. And a lot of people just do what they enjoy, seeing no reason to do otherwise, as they harm no one doing it.

Welcome to the forum, btw!

[FireflyGG]

Personally I feel no difference between being dressed and not.. But that's developed over the last 5 dceades... And it would be hard for me to open up to anyone especially on a subject that most people think borders on perversion... In my humble opinion

Sorry, tangent here...people really equate CD with perversion? That's ridiculous! (No offence to GG's who feel this way, I just don't share the same brainspace as you).

Seriously, if that was all the world had to worry about under the topic of perversion we'd all be better off. And better dressed.

although I get the same thing from some people when they find out I'm into women and men. Apparently that's a one way ticket to hell. At least i'll get a kickass tan.

okay, carry on.

[PretzelGirl]

Sorry, tangent here...people really equate CD with perversion? That's ridiculous! (No offence to GG's who feel this way, I just don't share the same brainspace as you).

I (and probably many others) am glad you don't think that way. But it is not an uncommon theme that you will see here in many posts. Unfortunately, people like to think they are on higher grounds in order to degrade others. Calling one a pervert is far too common.

[FireflyGG]

I (and probably many others) am glad you don't think that way. But it is not an uncommon theme that you will see here in many posts. Unfortunately, people like to think they are on higher grounds in order to degrade others. Calling one a pervert is far too common.

I mentioned in my intro that I'm a very blunt person. I don't censor myself (although I'm rather proud that I'm not swearing on here as much as I usually do when I post in places) but that's just pure bullshit. There's nothing perverted about it (merely my two cents people. I don't want GG hate mail). it's clothing and bringing out ones feminine side. To be honest, I find nothing wrong with that.

Although this is coming from a GG who raised her kids to know that girls can play with tools and tonka trucks and hotwheels and boys can play with barbies and babydolls. My son (now 11) wanted to wear a dress and makeup and heels. Cool. we tried it out, I did his makeup, we took pics, and he loved it. Seemed to be a passing thing. No problem. If it was more? We'd talk and still no problem. My kids know that I'm a safe place no matter the topic.

I don't care what my kids grow up to be, or who my partner wants to dress as. When I love someone I love them to the core and I don't care who they date, where they sit on the gender fence, or what they wear.

I was saying to Melissa the other day, I am having way more fun here talking about makeup and shoes and fashion, than I do on my boards full of GG's.

[Andy66]

Stargirl, your issue is that he doesn't talk about why he dresses? Or that me might not know why? I'm not sure exactly what you're asking either, but I think you're looking for general knowledge and thought on CDing.

I reckon this is the place for it.

Listen to Wen. She's wise. Maybe you are asking something of your boyfriend that he doesn't know how to give you yet. Men and women really do process things very differently.

On the other hand, you shouldn't be expected to remain in the dark and frustrated forever. There may come a time after you have learned and done all you can, when you will have to take a hard look at whether your emotional needs are being met. I say this because I spent five years of my life with a dishonest man who had way too many secrets, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone else.

In the meantime, you're probably in the best place there is to listen and learn.

[suchacutie]

My wife and I "found" Tina one morning. I was 55 and we had been married 32 years. We had no road map and were totally not expecting to go down this road, so we had to make it up as we went. Since we didn't know how to separate out my feminine side, we gave her a name: Tina. We work hard to NOT overlap Tina with the self identity I had for 55 years. We felt that would be completely confusing.

So, my wife and I talk about Tina when she's not around, and Tina and she talk about me when I'm not around. My wife has asked me and Tina the same questions within a couple of hours say, "well, I expected that the masculine and feminine perspectives would be different!"

I'm not guaranteeing this will work for everyone, but it has sure worked for us and I thought it might be useful as one more arrow in your quiver.

tina

[silkenhose]

i think he should step up and talk to you. You are being open and want to be involved which is cool. It is obviously causing you heart burn and i think out of respect for you he should be open with you and if you want to discuss it then discuss it.

no matter how much we say dressing should be mainstream and or an everyday thing it is not and we need to help our partners understand and be a part of it.....if they want.

just a humble .02

silk

[Rachel Morley]

Sorry, tangent here...people really equate CD with perversion? That's ridiculous! .... There's nothing perverted about it (merely my two cents people. I don't want GG hate mail). It's clothing and bringing out ones feminine side. To be honest, I find nothing wrong with that.

Alleluia! .... the voice of reason. I am so glad you posted this as it was exactly what I was thinking. Karen thinks that CDing is a subject that most people (not Karen herself) think borders on perversion ... (in her humble opinion) ... well ok, everyone is entitled to their own opinion but mine is not the same as hers. I don't believe that "most people" think it's perverted and to be totally honest with you it kinda hurts me that we here can even talk about CDing and perversion in the same sentence. I think it's very much misunderstood by most people and that those people that do have such negative reactions that they think it's perverted are really the people that need the help!

To get back to the original poster:

He claims that he doesn't feel any different when he dresses and just doesn't want to talk about it.

I find this quite hard to believe. Not that he didn't say it, but that that's how he feels. I have personally never met or known any Cder who feels nothing between the states of being dressed and not being dressed. Everyone I know feels different when they are dressed. It might be sexually driven or it might be about feminine expression or it it might be about living as the gender you where supposed to be born as but we all want to do it and it does change us ... otherwise why do it?

IMHO your SO is embarrassed about talking about it. It's my best guess that he doesn't want to talk about it because you'll ask him why he likes to crossdress, and he won't want to elaborate probably because (maybe?) he has fantasies involved with it that he doesn't want to share or perhaps that if he tells you how he really feels you'll maybe think differently about him and this might lead to you two to break up. There are many possibilities but I don't think you're doing anything wrong here. I guess I can only suggest that you be patient, loving, and affirming toward him and try to gently coax him out of his shell. If he really loves you he'll see that all you are trying to do is help him and understand "what makes him tick" ... because you love him too. Good luck.

[stargirlGG]

Wow..thank you all for the really thoughtful replies. I'm a little overwhelmed. I've never talked to anyone about this and it's very cool to have found this forum and I appreciate the input. But it's also got me even more confused.

Stargirl,

Are you looking for a reason? Are you looking for not only what it means to him, but to you as well? Are the reasons really that important? He may not know many of the answers to the question you're asking himself.

Kathi

I'm not looking for a reason...I don't really need that, but i do want to understand it. Reasons aren't important but it would be nice to know what it means to him. It's a big deal. It's a really big deal. It must mean something on a very deep level and I would like to know what that is. Of course now I have to think about what this means to me. Sometimes I look at him when he's dressed and it's so surreal..and sometimes it's lovely and cute and sexy. So I have to think about things that I never would have dreamed of thinking about before.

But for others, like myself for example, it isn't a matter of male and female modes and being treated appropriately for each mode, but rather that a more thorough feminization has taken place or is taking place, so that we're pretty much the same no matter how we're dressed. I'm talking about a pretty fundamental transformation.

.

What exactly does that mean? You feel feminine all of the time so the dressing is just an extension of that? I guess if he's wearing panties and hose all of the time and nighties to bed and my robe when the kids aren't around it's not far from dressing all the way.

Personally I feel no difference between being dressed and not..

How is that possible? Why got through all of the bother to dress and the hair and the make-up if you don't feel any different?

Oh my dear Star, why are you trying to make a mountain out of a mole hill. Has it occured to you that maybe he hasn't gotten anything to say about it.
.

It's absolutely occured to me that he has nothing to say about it. How can you have nothing to say about it? I don't think I'm trying to make a mountain out of a mole hill but it just seems to me that there must be all kinds of things to say. Ecspecially if you have someone who loves you and is willing to try to understand something so hard to understand.

Listen to Wen. She's wise. Maybe you are asking something of your boyfriend that he doesn't know how to give you yet. Men and women really do process things very differently.

On the other hand, you shouldn't be expected to remain in the dark and frustrated forever. There may come a time after you have learned and done all you can, when you will have to take a hard look at whether your emotional needs are being met.

Thank you for that.

I find this quite hard to believe. Not that he didn't say it, but that that's how he feels.

IMHO your SO is embarrassed about talking about it. It's my best guess that he doesn't want to talk about it because you'll ask him why he likes to crossdress, and he won't want to elaborate probably because (maybe?) he has fantasies involved with it that he doesn't want to share or perhaps that if he tells you how he really feels you'll maybe think differently about him and this might lead to you two to break up. There are many possibilities but I don't think you're doing anything wrong here. I guess I can only suggest that you be patient, loving, and affirming toward him and try to gently coax him out of his shell. If he really loves you he'll see that all you are trying to do is help him and understand "what makes him tick" ... because you love him too. Good luck.

thank you..yes, it is impossible to believe that there is no difference. And it is really hard to deal with the fact that I have been with someone for 2 years and have shared so many really wonderful things, I have supported this side of him completely and for that I feel that I am entitled to complete honesty...fear or no fear.

thanks again everyone. you've all really got me thinking and I so appreciate the posts. It's really nice to know that you're all out there and are so willing to share your experiences.

[sherri]

What exactly does that mean? You feel feminine all of the time so the dressing is just an extension of that? I guess if he's wearing panties and hose all of the time and nighties to bed and my robe when the kids aren't around it's not far from dressing all the way.

What I was trying to say, although I probably made a hash of it, has more to do with what's going on on the inside than the outside. I was making a distinction between those who have a clear dichotomy in their lives between male and female roles and personae, usually reflected in how they are dressed at any given time, and those who have experienced some sort of awakening or evolution to the point that they feel changed as a person -- a change that is of a decidedly feminine nature. In the latter case, while dressing may have led into the awakening, it eventually becomes almost incidental.

Should that be the case with your BF -- and I'm certainly not presuming to know if it is -- it can take quite awhile to assimilate and even longer to communicate. For some, it might feel like an abdication of a traditional gender role and thus a cause for a certain amount of confusion or anxiety within a relationship. It could be a struggle finding a way to articulate all that.