Ever feel that your world is falling apart?

[Vicki-Z]

I'm sorry for the long post but I need to vent about my daughter.

I always did everything I could for my two children. I always thought I was close to them. I tried to instill a real sense of family in them. We always did things together as a family. However, my daughter seemed to grow a little more distant from me when she became a teenager. I always let my children know that I was there for them. I did everything I could. I put them in a private Christian school when there started school for a few years until I couldn't afford it anymore and had to take them out. I paid for both of their college and university education even though it was a financial sacrifice for my wife and I. My daughter has never even thanked us for paying her university costs.

I have been going through the roughest time in my life the past 3- 4 years. My 16 year old son was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer a battle he won thanks to God (a story in itself). I’ve been the past 3 years worrying about my job. I was given a lay off notice that my job would be gone in 6 months. During that time my daughter announced that she was pregnant. She got married and had a beautiful baby girl, my first grandchild. I accepted the guy she married into my family not as my son-in-law but as my son. My lay off notice was cancelled a month before I was to be let go.

Unknown to me while the my Granddaughter was being born my wife of 24 years who I love more than anything in the world was carrying on an affair through facebook with an old high school boyfriend. About 3 months after my granddaughter was born my wife travelled back to her hometown to make her affair physical if you know what I mean. My daughter discovered the emails that the boyfriend sent my wife proving the physical part happened and she showed them to me. I was destroyed and my masculine side was crushed. My wife and I are working on our marriage.

About 3 months later we heard there would be more lays offs at work. Sure enough I was laid off and my career of 33 years is gone. With my masculine side gone I have had to rely on my feminine side. I am transgender and should have been born a girl. This had nothing to do with my wife’s affair because she didn’t really know about my true feelings until after. It’s just she had a thing for this old boyfriend and said I didn’t satisfy her.

With my manhood destroyed it brought back my old repressed feelings of my feminine side. I began wearing lingerie under my male clothing on a regular basis. I have never dressed totally enfemme. This was the only way I could cope with everything. I did this for about 3 months then my wife didn’t approve so I purged everything.

I began wearing lingerie again about 3 weeks ago. My wife says its OK but I know she is not happy about it. But Right now I have no choice but to be my feminine self.

Anyway, on to my present problem. My wife told me a couple weeks ago that my daughter knows I’m transgender. Last spring she noticed the outline of my bra straps under my shirt. She asked my wife about it and my wife told her I was transgender. My wife said the next day while we were both out my daughter search through our bedroom and found my stuff. My wife says my daughter was mad and crying.

For the past 7 months or so my daughter seemed ok with me, talking as normal. Then about two weeks ago we had an argument. Her husband who I treated like a son told her that I said something that I didn’t. Of course she won’t believe me. She told me she didn’t respect me as a father or as a man.

She hasn’t talked to me since and avoids me. They live in our basement and are moving tomorrow to a town about 45 minutes away. My wife who has provided free daycare since my granddaughter was born was suppose to keep taking care of her since both parents work in our city. They inform my wife that they have decided instead to put my granddaughter into daycare.

My wife tells me my daughter told her husband about me and they don't want my wife to take care of my granddaughter because they don’t want her exposed to someone like me. I should mention my granddaughter is 18 months old. She's the cutest little girl and I love her so much!!! It's going to break my heart not to see her. But as I said they don't want her around me.
Also, how will my wife feel knowing that I am the reason she won't be seeing her granddaughter much.

My daughter has never talked to me about my being transgender. She has just made up her own mind about me without knowing anything about me. Her birthday was today and my wife invited them to come upstairs for dinner but she wouldn't.

She may not respect me as a man or a father, but for 24 years I was the most loving caring father I know.

As far as I know my son doesn’t know about me because my daughter doesn’t want to hurt him.

Ever feel that your world is falling apart?


Vicki

[Karren H]

Wow..... Yes.... but not like you have...... One of the reason's my wife doesn't want our children to know.... and I'm not going to tell them... I really feel bad about your situation and do hope things improve.....

[Byllie]

Here's a folktale from Africa that might help.

http://africa.mrdonn.org/lion.html

Byllie/Bill

[Missy Tanya]

Wow Vicki, I feel for you, somewhat I have felt the same before. I have a daughter of 27 years going on 14 sometimes. Two years ago, while still living at her mothers home. She also got pregnant. Boy friend left faster than the test strip worked. Now she has giving me my first granddaughter and is doing better than ever. She is becoming a very good mother. She has enrolled in college, with help from single parent support. Holding her head higher than in years. That was untill one of the old, looser, deadbeat boyfriends showed up. Then school, work, and dear old dad wasn't needed. Till her mom told me about the going on's. Well I gave it my best you need to keep you head in the right direction, and see pass the fog. Not pink this time. All I got was the old your not needed, you don't understand, you @&*($#!^&*$%%&()*&^ I never want you in my life speech again. Then the car she had broke down, the van I gave her, broke down, and she needed dear old dad again. Well long story short, After she called me, and we cried, and talked, I did fix the car, but wait for a time for the van. Now three months later, boyfriend gone and dad is number one. Till the next boyfriend??

But unlike you my job is going good?? I hope!!! and Wife is supportive of Tanya and all her quirts. All the advice I'm going to give you is, Time does heal. I pray for you and your families dealings. So glad too hear that your son is doing better. Untill just now, I thought my life was in the pits. Now I just wish I could go shopping. Tanya

[Alice Torn]

So many times, and still is!

Very sorry about your plight. Family can be so very difficult. I may have to move 1900 miles, in with my very negative, controlling father, soon. I have done it before, and had to leave. Now, hr really needs me, in spite of resenting me for 40 yrs. Both my brothers were busted by the feds, and in jail, who were helping him. One day at a time, in a hell of a world.

[giuseppina]

Hi Vicki, Tanya, and Louise

Sorry to hear about your family and/or job issues.

I have two university age nephews I've never seen, even in pictures. My sister had a big fight with Mother a few days before she was married. I was devastated at the time, but I now know that Sis broke contact for a good reason.

Louise, I recommend you not move in with your father. Move closer if you wish, but don't move in. Your father does not have the right to unduly interfere with your ability to earn a living.

[Sally2005]

A teacher of mine once said something I didn't fully understand for many years until I became a parent... he said, if your parents are ever trying to make you feel guilty about living, just tell them "you never asked to be born". The way I see it, as a parent my giving must be unconditional because it was my choice to raise her. So forget about being thanked and feeling bad... you know you did your best. Your daughter needs to learn to fish to be able to feed herself, so stop giving her free food and money.

For the gender stuff... I think you should meet with your daughter one-on-one and do it away from your home on neutal ground so you have her full attention (she does owe you that) and explain to her you are the same person you always were and tell her what your plans are and you will always love her.

[Sheila]

I am sorry Vikki for what you are going through, it is a tough time for you ......... pick yourself up hun and remember the good you HAVE done over the years .......... sad as it it sometimes we have to walk away from those we love to allow everyone to grow (trust me I know), and yeah it hurts doing it and for a long time afterwards, but you can't always make things better for those you love sometimes they need to grow and learn even if it means they hurt while doing it ..

[melissacd]

Vicki,

It is a sad tale and I am sorry for the pain you are going through. My social network for 25 years was my ex wife's family and when it became known within that group that I was a cross dresser I became an outcast, for example, the step son that I help raise since he was 7 years old recently got married and yet I was not invited. That really hurt me a great deal.

It has been a few years now since my ex and I split up and I have rebuilt my life anew. Life gets better as time passes, however, I can relate to the pain and anguish that come from being separated from people you care about just for being yourself.

Melissa

[DaphneGrey]

I am so very sorry for the pain that you are going through. I wish there was something I could do to help. Hopefully time will heal some wounds. I often write about how great my trans life is. But I have family that has cut me off as well. It is not easy and is often the harsh reality of our unique condition. Always here if you need to vent.

[Diane Elizabeth]

I am sorry for all that has gone wrong for you. In answer to your daughter's problem of accepting you, I would suggest sending her a copy of "Trueselves" to her. It is a shame so many want to cast us off as if we are lepers. I, myself, have not tried to tell my children about my CD/TG side. More than likely they would treat me the same way. But I hope not. I do know that kids as teenagers and young adults are still maturing, so the distancing you had prior to her getting married is not all that unusual. Its a independent thing for them. Most outgrow it. Best of luck to you and your family. DyLen(aka Starla Dyan)

[MissTwiki]

This is such a sad situation, as someone who has always had a difficult relationship with my father, no matter how he hurt me, I always loved him, and given time I would always forgive him.

I think EveMarie says it best, give it time, be there for her as a father and try to keep the communication lines open.

There are lots of people here who can sympathize with you, don't feel alone, keep in touch with your friends and stay strong.

[Lorileah]

Does it help if I say it isn't you?

Ok I am not one to seek blame or place blame but sometimes good people get slammed and they really do not deserve it.

You apparently tried to raise your daughter in a fair and shall I say Christian manner. You can only do so much. There is a lot more going on in her mind and life that is messing up your life.

Teens rebel, that's what teens do. That was not an unusual thing. The old saying "My dad was a real idiot when I was a teenager but he got real smart after that" has a lot of truth to it. I am not even shocked that she didn't thank you for paying her way through college. Many kids now have a sense of entitlement. All the education in the world does not stop you from doing...shall I say...stupid things like not being responsible sexually (No excuse in the 21st century to not know what causes babies) but now you have a new light in your life that you would not have had so that is good. Your daughter is a sneak and honestly not a nice person. Evidently privacy means little to her (and what exactly was she looking for, money to steal, something to blackmail you with?) and why didn't your wife confront her when she found out? Oh and they are living under your roof, the one you paid for?

But here is the point. I am not condoning what your wife did, that is between you two and her beliefs. Morals are very personal. But your daughter brought this to you to hurt you. She didn't want to hurt your wife. She is getting some sort of personal satisfaction hurting you. Why? Who knows but it is really not something she should be proud of.

So of all the things that you have going on right now, you can understand that most are out of your control. What you do now is what you can control. I will add the caveat that jobs are tough right now so that is less in your realm. But your wife and you can work out that problem. I my personal life I would forgive, work it out. Life is too short to hold a grudge.

Time for daughter to stand up on her own two feet, get a job, get a life and get the hell out of the way. She does not respect you? Then she doesn't need you. I will donate a box of 4mil trash bags to help her pack.

You only mention your son in passing and his battle with cancer but it sounds like he has it all together and I hope he remains cancer free for 80 years. Good to know you had a positive effect on him anyway.

[Vicki-Z]

I just like to thank each one of you for responding and for the advice.

I can't tell you enough how much it means to me to have a place that I can communicate with people like myself who have either gone through or are going through similar circumstances. Sometimes it's just nice to have a place to be able to vent. Someone to talk to.

You are all so wonderful.

Love

Vicki