Never Thought It Would Be This Hard

[JennaDesire]

Many of you know my story already. If not you can look at some of my ealier posts. I want to update my life as it is now. I have not dressed in 4 months. I have completely closed Jenna out of my life. The reason I am doing this is to save my marriage. What I did not realize was that what it would do to me. What I always have a hard time explaining in my posts is how against it my wife is. She does not even want me thinking about it. So 4 months ago I embarked on a journey to end crossdressing in my life once and for all. What I am finding out now is that this probably cannot happen. The desire is starting to pull me back in. I cannot sleep at night, I am always distracted. I do not feel like myself. I keep telling myself that this is for the better, but part of me knows that this thought will not last. The bottom line is that I miss being Jenna, alot. How long can I keep suppressing this? At what cost to me? Believe me if there was any way to approach Maria(my wife) and try to explain this to her, I would. She does not want to understand it, as far as she is concerned, I am sick to be like this. She thinks that just because I have these feelings inside me, I am sick and need medication. She does not want to be educated about it, she just wants it stopped. I look at my body with hair all over it and want it off! I want to polish my nails and get all made up. I want to have my legs encased in silk stockings and my body in beautiful lingerie. But going back to this would end everything, my marriage and my life with my children. Because believe me, Maria would do everything in her power to destroy me. So I wonder, what do I do as the need for Jenna eventually overcomes me? What would you all do?

[AllieSF]

I would start with therapy and tell your wife why you are doing it. She doesn't have to like it nor accept your desires. However, she cannot stop you from trying to work it all out with some professional third party help to keep your sanity and health. In this you need to be determined and firm. It is not to justify the dressing but to try to help you to stop it. If you get someone with experience in this area, you will get better help. If possible after you have been in therapy for a while, you should invite your wife along. Believe me that having a third party explain what is happening to you is the best way to go in your case. If that doesn't work and you can't get into counseling with or without your spouse, I think your marriage will fail. I can only recommend that you then get things in order and be prepared. If you do not confront this now, it will only get worse and that includes your suffering and maybe even your health. You both need the opportunity to try to resolve this as best possible, and if that doesn't work to start over as soon as possible. Sorry for being so direct. However based on what you have written this is my opinion. Good luck.

[docrobbysherry]

If Jenna is part of u, you and Maria will DEFINITELY need help!

If CDing is just a HOBBY, try to replace it with something else! Play golf, hockey, go skiing, or make model trains. If nothing makes u forget CDing, it's NOT a hobby! Go back to Plan A, above!

[Fab Karen]

Unless there's hope for understanding ( couples therapy would be needed ), you know where this will go. Talk to a lawyer about your situation, you could at least get visitation rights for your children.

[Karren H]

If it were easy... I wouldn't be here for sure... I'd be out playin more hockey!

[DiannaRose]

Jenna, I am so sorry to hear this. It is so hard when a spouse can't accept us for who we are. My wife would also rather not know anything about it. She also thought it was something wrong with me (for years, so did I), but she is slowly--oh, so slowly--coming around to acknowledging it (the essential first step) and accepting it. At least a little. She will never accept it fully, let alone support me with it.

You are better than I for even trying, because I know I could never give this up, even for the sake of my marriage. Not "won't", Jenna, but "can't". For forty years--child to adult--I tried to suppress it, bury it, ignore it, deny it. Always it comes back to the surface. It's who I am, and I only just within the past year accepted this as fact.

My wife and I are seeing a counselor starting next week, who has been dealing with this situation for years. I don't know whether we're going to end up divorced or not...the possibility is very real because she can't even look at me any more without seeing "her" (even though she's never seen "her"). But we're both trying, for the sake of 21 married years together and two kids.

Maria sounds like a very rigid soul. Clearly there are reasons why she can't allow herself to think about this issue. Therapy may help uncover some of those. Definitely I would at least get some therapy for yourself, for the stress and anxiety you are feeling--very real emotions. If you think divorce is the most lileky outcome, then as Karen suggests, it's probably not to early to speak with a lawyer.

One of the things I've started doing--because I can't talk to her about any aspect of this--is to write my thoughts down. It's a letter to my wife that I'll probably never give her, but it helps me to organize my thoughts and emotions so I can see how all the pieces fit together. Some will--when they come out--push my wife toward the edge. I know this, and I depserately hope and pray these things don't come out until she can at least hear them, but I just don't know. The one thing I do know is that I can not give it up.

I put a lot of my faith and trust in God, and it helps me considerably. He has been my sole source of comfort, support, encouragement, and even a wall for my anger and frustration, because there is nobody else I can talk to about it--my best friend wants nothing to do with it, as said. I don't know whether you feel comfortable reaching out to Him, but I will pray for you and your wife anyway.

Keep us posted, Jenna, and if you need an ear, feel free to message me.

[KayleeDahl]

I think that counseling is definitely the next step for you and potentially your SO. If you are anything like me, you just won't be able to keep up this charade. IMHO it will cause damage to your self esteem, and relationship, because u are succeding to her point of view - believing that you have to hide it because it is a sickness.

I also agree that writing down exactly what is going on with you, be it in a letter to your SO or a journal will be very helpful to you understanding, and formulating your thoughts. I do this regularly, and it really helps me to deal with the hardships in my life, be they work, or relationship.

Hugs!!!
-Sera

[sherri]

The fact that your wife won't even talk about it is annoying and tough, I agree. That battle of wills in a marriage, man ... well, it can cause you to clamp down mentally and emotionally. But those kids, ya know? Would you really be willing to look them in the eye someday and admit that your family fell apart because you needed to wear heels and lingerie? Or would you cobble together some other excuse?

I feel you, I really do, and there's no question that sticking will continue to require a sacrifice on your part. But to me, sacrifice is a part of being a parent and the payoff is worth nearly any price. I think you know this already, so I just want to build you up.

That said, it's not all sackcloth and ashes. For one thing, you don't know what the future will bring and with patience and perseverance the dynamics in your marriage could change. At the same time, sometimes the key to walking away from one thing is to become engrossed in something else. Is it possible that you could find another passion in life, one more compatible with your situation, at least for the time being? Docrobby mentioned hobbies, which is an option, but I was kinda thinking something more. Just a thought.

One more thing ... for me, if I were trying to suppress this desire, dwelling on it online or whatever would probably just make things harder. On the other hand, you can find compassion and a desire to help at places like this forum. The thing is, you seem sincere in seeking advice, so I might suggest that this forum shouldn't be the only source you turn to. You need to hear all sides. Others have suggested counseling, lawyers, etc., and you may have other options. If this thing is keeping you awake at night, you need to leave no stone unturned.

[sterling12]

Counseling and Divorce have already been mentioned. I have some other suggestions....none of them are "good," but they might work as stop-gap measures.

1.) Get a storage unit for your stuff! Hide that stuff and use as needed to keep your sanity.

And you can do that: 2.) In a rented Motel Room! Yes, you are hiding things from your wife, but she is The One being more than unreasonable. To keep from going Nuts, you must come up with "coping mechanisms."

3.) Get a job where you can travel. Motel Rooms don't care if you dress, The Trunk of your Car can also make an excellent storage unit, (See item #1).

4.) Join a Support Group, so you can get out with other people who are like you. You get some reassurances your not crazy because you love to be femme, you get a lot of opportunities to dress.

5.) You didn't say so, but I have a feeling that your wife's intransigence is somehow related to religion. Often, some people tend to relate their religion to absolutes, and of course this makes them "stiff-backed," and unbending. Try to find a new church which doesn't care about such trivial matters and wants to actually help people! Perhaps your wife can find some new ideas, with a new religious doctrine.

I feel for you! Right now, it must seem like there are no good answers and no doubt your feeling pushed right to The Wall. Get to that Therapist, and do it quick! Pretty soon your going to require Crisis Intervention. You keep trying to repress and fight The Inner Self...you'll get torn apart!

Peace and Love, Joanie

[SuzanneBender]

Joanie has a point. I hid my dressing, although once I finally came out there was no need, from my wife for almost 12 years using her techniques. I have had jobs that allow me to travel. So if dressing is that important to you there is an option.

HOWEVER, be prepared to replace the frustration in your life caused by the friction between your wife and versus your desire to dress with a ton of guilt and the behaviors associated with it.

Therapy here is key. First gender therapy for you and then have your gender therapist refer you to a gender friendly family therapist. I would not recommend using the same therapist for both areas.

Don't panic about what would happen with a divorce. Be the best Dad that you can be to your children. I know numerous transgendered parents that have custody of their children even after some very nasty divorces.

My heart goes out to you darling. Keep your head up and don't lose faith that things will ultimately work out for the best.

[Sally2005]

Big problem...how can you deny who you are? It is better to accept it and find a way to integrate it. Maybe you can do it without actually dressing up. No one can read your mind, so just be who you want to be inside.

[Ugly Michele]

My first wife did this to me. She made sure everyone knew. I still had joint custody of my son had him 1/2 the time, my true friends did not desert me, kept my job, and my family stood by me. I know this is not what you wanted to hear but is how it panned out. Also have a court order on her to keep her mouth shut but till it was in place she did tell people.

[Frédérique]

I am sick to be like this. She thinks that just because I have these feelings inside me, I am sick and need medication. She does not want to be educated about it, she just wants it stopped. So I wonder, what do I do as the need for Jenna eventually overcomes me?

[SIZE="2"]I think you already know what the answer is, otherwise you wouldn’t be here. Your femme name says it all. You aren’t sick, and you don’t need an uninformed person telling you you’re sick – you don’t need any advice from us, either, but we are at least sympathetic and understanding. There seems to be a lot of SO resistance towards crossdressing in the threads today – why is that? Are we getting near a Full Moon? Oh, we are…

You can’t deny who you are, any more than she can deny who she is, or how she feels towards your curious compulsion. A little research, maybe combined with a visit here, may convince her that crossdressing isn’t such a bad thing after all. It helps to approach the issue with a sense of humor and compassion, since, from my perspective at least, this is not a life-and-death scenario… [/SIZE]

[minalost]

I quit and purged almost 7 years ago because of family issues. I don't recomend it because the urge never goes away, it just gets stronger. I agree about getting counseling. I wish I had!

[KateW]

Clothes or not, you are still the same person inside and you can never stop being you. If I throw all of my male clothes out do I suddenly stop being a man? No. It just means I don't have any clothes!

You could always try getting round it by wearing kilts, guyliner, and taking up cycling, bodybuilding or swimming so that you HAVE to shave your legs!

I hope your situation works out.

Kate xxx

[Wen4cd]

Wow, you're in quite a nasty pickle. There are factors you have to look at. It is hard. Marriage is work.


a. Do you want to be with your wife and family? Or do you feel obligated to, or fearful of the internal end external consequences of bailing? That probably feels like it flip-flops on a pretty harsh cycle, (human nature,) but there's probably, at one end, a genuine desire to have a comfortable 'normal' life, and you'd also like to hold onto the good times and make some more. Keep that in mind if so.

b. If you left your wife, would you ever again feel comfortable dressing? Would her negative image of it continue to hauntingly question you, only now compounded with the nagging judgment that you are so 'bad' that you 'walked away from your family?' Would Jenna be labeled the 'thing that tore your family apart, by anyone? There's a lot of self-rebuke involved in that. You'll have nightmarish images of your kids saying "Why did daddy leave us?" And your embittered ex-wife providing her opinion as the answer. Real or not, you will likely suffer from them, and probably already do.

I want to hug you so bad, but I'm over here, so I'll offer what I can. I wish there was a short easy answer. "Love her, and it all works out." But that rings meaningless in essence, undefinable. Here's all I got for today.

Here are some things that you can try, that might help it. It sounds like ranting, but I hope it makes sense.

1. Re-framing the issue: I can't stress enough how vitally important this is. It can be the difference between an accepting, supporting SO and a violently opposed one. Obviously, how she sees you is not how you see yoursel(ves) in this regard, but this does work with self-acceptance as well.

Ideally, you want your wife's internal statement about your feminine side and dressing to first change from: "My husband is inferior to other husbands / fathers because he is sick and has a character flaw, as evidenced by his behavior." to the inverse of : "My husband is better than other husbands/fathers because he is emotionally in touch with his inner feminine nature, and his behavior is aimed at this." View this as THE goal of re-framing. Follow it, focus on it. Repeat it. Make it your goal to make it true, and to make the original statement false, as much as possible She'll feel the extra effort, and it will start to become true, even if unspoken.

Sounds insane, but it is possible to achieve, as these 'inversions' are natural reversals of perceptions, and are easier to accomplish than starting anew, or restating all the terms. This is because they 'both' can be seen as true, since they're two 'values' the same initial observation. (They both can naturally follow "my husband is different than other husbands /fathers.") Your wife is already firmly entrenched at one end, and doesn't know the other exists, when she sees it, it can appear equally as strong.

When you have established both ends of the 'value spectrum' in your wife's (and your own) perception, you can finally experience and enjoy more of the middle, "closer-to-daily-reality" perception, with less of the value judgment. "My husband is different, but just as good as other husbands /fathers in his own way." This is balance, and it needs perception at each end to have been considered by your SO to so frame it. You can enjoy more freedom as well.

To really apply this, you have to not deny your 'feminine side' her due credit. This doesn't mean 'dressing up' per se, but more in realizing and remembering that whenever emotions and affect is at work, it is 'her' work, no matter how you are dressed externally. The 'Jenna' part of you remembers your anniversary, picks the heartfelt gifts, wants to deepen the relationship, and does all the thoughtful emotional things, and enables you to love more profoundly. The 'Jenna' in you was actually the big part of what made your SO originally love you, probably the biggest part on the emotional side, whether or not either of you knew it.

Make Jenna not be that 'sick thing you do," but the source everything she already likes about you. Any sensitivity that your wife appreciates out of you, the openness and communication she secretly longs for: be subtle, but make it very clear where and who it comes from, and you won't ever need mention what hell denying those attributes' expression would create, because it will be obvious that you've been living it already. Get the label of 'good' on Jenna and keep it there. It will make you struggle to make 'good' in whole new and unexplored ways, but you'll be able to speak her name without flinching, while you're growing as a person. Double bonus?

Also remember, you're not manipulating, you're choosing to look at things in a positive way. You have to so the work to also allow yourself to believe this stuff is true.


2. Communication. Sounds cliche, huh?. Sounds like fighting, sounds like hell. Sounds like anything but leveling and respecting one another.. Because it's hard to get on that level. Usually it starts with a 'concession' in the core issue. If Maria thinks you are sick and need medication, I guess a good start would be to say: "I know I am different. I want to be the good kind of different, not the bad kind." She, like most people, want to believe they 'picked' good mate, and different can (see above) be good or bad.

Sometimes my SO and I will fight non-verbally, or in other terms, about some issue, (me forgetting to pay a bill and getting a late fee, for example) for days, or are just bitter with each other over the un-said, and then one night in bed, I'll say "God honey, what the hell is wrong with me where I can't remember simple things?" She doesn't come back with 'get professional help.' 99% of the time, the response inverts to relief, and the issue becomes a non-issue just for me conceding it. Level communication is usually a relief for both parties, and once it starts, it makes things easier.

3. Education. legitimacy, but sideways. You know you can't just throw 'crossdresser' books at your hostile SO and expect it to 'educate' them. "Here honey, I want you to read this here book that will teach you about crossdressing." You'll look like a Jehova's Witness going door to door handing out pamphlets. In fact, anything coming from within the gender world will be 'suspect.' Hell, anything even slightly academic will be taken as a manipulation effort on some level. This leaves one in a frustrating quandry? Where are the influential statements about the benefits and needs to express the feminne side, if not coming from (or through) a 'tainted' source? Well, everywhere. I made a post about movies on another forum this week, and usually find you need to usually look no further than mainstream books, movies, tv, entertainment, legends, folktales, any works of man.

Look for stories about spectral relationships, mermaids, Nymphs, Ghosts, robotic girls, anything where the female lead is not quite human or alive. 8/10 chance there's an archetypal integration story there somewhere. These have the benefits of not only showing the integration process, but also presenting the 'feminine side' in the form of a personified character, allowing the SO to relate more to how you see your feminine side, which sounds somewhat personified.

'Ease of relating' is what you'd be going for here. You'd want stuff like 'Corpse Bride,' 'Ponyo,' Or the second two movies in the 'Pirates of the Carribbean' trilogy for examples. Strong, yey accessible female characters that the SO can relate emotionally to on some level, a connection which transfers to the concept of Jenna, when the comparison is made, showing her as real and not a behavior you do, but a real, feeling presence.

Really though I mention it, "education and legitimacy" are honestly afterthoughts. They can help 'you' cope with re-framing, but feeling is what really counts here, and If your marriage feels right and you are communicating, really trying, making each other happy and fulfilling each other's needs, the proof is in the pudding.

Wow, I am sorry for the big wall of words. I really need to learn to be more succinct. I wish you success.

[sherri52]

Theraphy for the both of you would be best but could still cost you your marriage. Look for a job that takes you away from the house a couple of days a month and use that time to dress. Keep your stash of clothes in your trunk.

[KarenCDFL]

My compliments to the people who have posted. There really are a bunch of good people here with much insight.

I am one of the lucky ones who told my wife before we married and over time she has accepted my dressing with gusto!.

My wife says she can do this because she loves me unconditionally! As I do her. More often than not, she tells me "why don't you dress up, you seem like you need it"

I think there is a lot more going on in your marriage than just your dressing. As others have said here, you both may want to seek professional counseling to see what is really going on. Hopefully your wife will respond to counseling in a positive way.

You may find that when you both find out and attempt to resolve the true issues, then you may be able to re-introduce the idea of you wanting to dress.

I wish the best for you and your family.

Good Luck

[busker]

Perhaps trying to shift the focus of your attention. How would you be reacting if the situation you were in concerned your being an alcoholic. I suspect it wouldn't be much different in the physical sense of wanting or needing a drink or two or a hundred or putting on nylons, a dress, etc. Is your family worth that drink?. Is your marriage worth that drink? Is your job worth that drink? Hopefully the answer is no. While I don't know your background, I do know that it is possible if not to outright quit something, it is possible to stop a damaging behaviour. Therapy will probably be a great help in that area. I don't believe finding a travel job so you can go behind your family's back to dress is the answer to your problem. It may take a real man (and a human being) to deal with it. That's like going to AA and having a drink on the way to renounce drinking. Put a card in your pocket that reads "not today" and look at it when you get the urge to dress. Hopefully it will remind you that there are others in your life that depend on you and you in turn depend on.
I wish you good luck in your struggles
Mandrake out of water.

[Rebecca Jayne]

I'd prepare for the worst , pray for the best. Put your foot down, after all you are 1/2 of the marriage/couple and have feelings too.

You may not be the man Maria married, and she probably is not the woman you married. You have changed but I bet so has she.
How long have you been married. Probably not long, and your children are young no doubt, well children are very resilient.

My dear girl, has Jenna been a part of you for a long time, if so she will be with you for your lifetime, make no mistake.

Life is to short to be miserable, guilt ridden and overwhelmed with stress.

[JennaDesire]

I am married 15 years... a long time of suppressing. In answer to one question, my family is worth it. That is why I have stopped. But I cannot keep the urges away.

[Wen4cd]

I am married 15 years... a long time of suppressing. In answer to one question, my family is worth it. That is why I have stopped. But I cannot keep the urges away.

I've been with my wife 18 years dear, married for 10. My family is worth my life. But part of that is because they accept me as an individual. It shouldn't have to be a choice between the two.

The intensity of the unconscious urges are usually based on suppression of that emotional energy. A firecracker lit in an open palm tickles when it goes off, but if you close a tight fist around it, it blows your fingers right off your hand.

If dressing and physically 'being' Jenna is truly not an option, you're going to want to look for another form of creative expression. From the verbiage of your post, you seem a tactile sort, and want to find some way of 'feeling' her.

So how can you experience Jenna without dressing? Drawing would be more visual, but maybe writing her? Writing as her? Meditating with her presence? Journaling her? I know, none of it lets it apply to 'self' too much like dressing does. I'm trying to think of something expressive, tactile and self-related.

Giving massages to your wife would be a good one. I do this sometimes, and when I let 'her' flow through my hands, it's coming from me, I feel Her flowing through me, and my wife starts making little whimpering noises, even if I'm only on her shoulders or neck, which she doesn't make when "I" casually massage her, but only when focusing on the 'femergy.' She feels the difference in energy, and likes it because it's gentle, slow, and sensual. So, she gets to enjoy my feminine side in a real way, and so do I, even when I'm not wearing anything, or speaking at all

Might be worth a shot, it does let the juices flow if you channel it. It's satisfying to know my SO is putty in the hands of my 'feminine energy' as well.

[Stephanie Stephens]

Jenna; I just sat back in my chair and just about cried. The desperation in your post is overwhelming. I hope that your wife has a clue as to what you are going through on behalf of your marriage. I wish you the best of luck and happiness.

[DiannaRose]

[QUOTE=Wen4cd;1961763So how can you experience Jenna without dressing? Drawing would be more visual, but maybe writing her? Writing as her? Meditating with her presence? Journaling her? I know, none of it lets it apply to 'self' too much like dressing does. I'm trying to think of something expressive, tactile and self-related. [/QUOTE]

Wen offers great advice. I write as Dianna, for example, here, on my blog, and off-line. It's very freeing because I get to express myself in ways I can't do as myself (my established writing "voice" doesn't allow for it, and I'd shock my family and fans--both of them --if I suddenly started writing with Dianna's voice.

That said, I find I still need that physical expression as well. Don't get me wrong--the writing and blogging helps tremendously. It's amazingly cathartic and relaxing. But sometimes I just need to feel the swish of a dress or the hug of tights, or see the look of mascara on my eyelashes and pink on my lips. These also are relaxing and freeing for me. Sure, it'd be nice to "know" I'm Dianna without the need to see or feel her, but that's not a place I have gotten to yet. Dressing helps me feel feminine, plain and simple. The combination of occasional dressing (and less occasional underdressing) and regular writing/foruming is what keeps me going and gets me through the times when I can do neither.

[KarenHiller]

You're in an impossibly difficult situation. I know from personal experience, and from reading about hundreds of others like us, that it's almost impossible to stop cross-dressing without severe aversion therapy, so it's likely you'll never stop hating your body hair, and you'll always miss the wonderful feeling of all those delicious fabrics we all seem to love.

I had a son with my third wife who is now grown and on his own. After we divorced, I only saw him twice a week, and it's the worst thing that's ever happened to me. I missed being with him every day and being as much a part of his life as his mother is. He and I are still close and I love him very much. I have no idea if he knows about my femme side, but if he does, he's not confrontational about it. His mother knows, so I'm guessing at some point she told him.

That said, finding someone who accepts me for who I am has made that loss a lot less. I would have hated living my life totally in the closet.

Remember, you only live once. How do you want the rest of your life to be?

Best of luck.

Karen