Just trying to figure myself out

[Bailey_in_Mansfield]

Hi all, I'm new here but not a new CD... I'd really like to just vent for a minute and see if anyone has some thoughts, because my confusion is getting frustrating. I feel like a walking contradiction.

I am a 26 year old guy, and have been cross dressing on and off since I was about 12 or 13. My parents found out a couple of times and I got in HUGE trouble back then. Thanks to this lousy economy I've been forced to move back in with my parents last year, and about a month ago my dad found one of my bras in my room. He agreed not to tell my mother, if only because he knew the whole house would turn into a hell-hole for everyone if she found out. So he knows I still struggle with this and while he's not accepting of this part of me, he at least keeps it secret, which is fine.

I say struggle because it IS a struggle for me. I can't seem to either 100% shake it or 100% accept it in myself. As I said, I feel like a contradiction. I am a Christian, not the Bible-thumping "you're goin to hell" type but the less rigid, more understanding kind, ya know? I do think homosexuality is wrong, but I'm in no place to judge anyone on that... I obviously have my own issues to deal with. No human is in a position to pass judgment on others in that way, so I choose to be accepting. I also am a political conservative... A Tea Party attendee and organizer... Not exactly the political side that's known for acceptance of sexual quirks. I am attracted to women too. (And here in the heart of Texas, when you see all these Texas ladies, it's hard NOT to be! )

And yet, I have felt for a long time this desire to wear panties instead of boxers/briefs... I have gone out in full CD regalia once or twice... Once was for Halloween 2008 when I went to work as Sarah Palin to win a $100 bet. Heels, wig, makeup, hose, the whole bit. Sat in my secretary's bathroom at her home while she and her teenage daughter worked for like an hour and a half getting my makeup and hair done, and got a crash course on walking in heels. (And there were several crashes, haha!) But that experience also taught me that by and large, full cross dressing isn't exactly my "thing." I wear panties every day, and sometimes a bra with forms when I'm alone. In my CDing "desires," I guess you'd call them, I want to be FEMALE, not man-in-a-dress. Even an SRS procedure wouldn't do the trick for me because I don't think it would make me feel "authentic." I want every part of the female experience, growing up as a girl and all that. Which, obviously, is quite impossible. Yet I'm attracted to women. I don't get myself.

I confided a lot of this to a very close friend once. He asked if I was gay. I told him no, it's almost like I'm...more of a super-straight. Like I'm so attracted to women that I'd almost rather just BE one than deal with the stress of relationships with them. Does that make sense? When I see a gorgeous woman, I fantasize about having sex with her as many straight men do, but in the middle of it I also fantasize about BEING her.

I have read through a lot of posts on this forum and not seen anyone at all who seems like me, so I feel like I'm abnormal even for a CDer. I also went through the first page of the anonymous GGs thread, and was quite sobered by what I saw. I had thought maybe I just need to find a woman who can accept these perceived "contradictions" in me, as difficult as that may be. But reading that thread, it made me realize that for women, even just the simple acceptance of these quirks we men sometimes have is a BIG deal. Or more accurately, that it's not simple at all for them. There's no instruction book for stuff like this. Just as we men might be confused about our own thoughts and behaviors, it's understandable that women's reactions would be, "what the hell are we supposed to think?!"

I also confided this to an associate pastor whom I've known for over a decade, half expecting his reaction to be telling me to purge my stuff right away. That's what I expected, but what I WANTED him to say was that maybe I was making too big a deal out of it and that I shouldn't exert my energy over it... That if God made me this way then I should accept it, and if I was sinning to trust Him to forgive me. That's what I wanted to hear, but didn't expect him to say it. Well, he did. Strangely, though, it just confused me even more.

Maybe I should just stop my rambling and chill before I make everyone's heads explode. Uhhh.....thoughts? :-/

[Kathi Lake]

Bailey,

There are plenty of people here that are similar - I count myself as one of them. We mesh wonderfully in everything you said - except the politics part.

I agree with much of your post, and look forward to getting to know you better.

Kathi

[Stephenie S]

The more time you spend here the more you will realize that there is a huge variety of people here. Thinking you don't fit in is kinda silly. You will find many others with similar feelings.

Your pastor was right. God made you just the way you are, and God doesn't make mistakes. Think of yourself as one more tool in God's toolbox to help others realize what a wonderful diversity of people we have here on earth.

Stephenie

[DiannaRose]

Bailey, there is no "correct" way to be a crossdresser. There are as many takes on the subject as there are men in panties/dresses/bras/tights/heels/whatevers!

As for being a Christian, why should crossdressing be exclusive of that? Look at the tag under my name to the left there. "Christian Crossdresser". I figured out some time ago that I AM both at once, whatever the church or society has to say about it. God is my judge, no-one else. And I'll tell you, I'm only here today because of Him. He wants me here.

Yes, some "christians" say what we do is wrong, we're going to Hell. To them I say...how do you know? They'll quote bible, they'll quote their particular church's doctrine, they'll say what we do is a choice and it's wrong.

I didn't make a choice at 5 years old to want to be a girl. What 5-year-old makes that choice? No, it's how I was made. And only God will judge me. I figure, if I've tried my best to reflect a little of His light in this world, He'll forgive me for any mistakes I've made.

Embrace yourself, whoever you are. Accept yourself. Love yourself. Sure, this can be a struggle sometimes. So can life.

If you want to talk more, once you hit your ten posts you can private message me. I promise to answer every question, even if sometimes the answer is "I don't know".

[Andy66]

Maybe one day you will see that you are a wonderfully unique individual (as we all are), and "normal" is an illusion. Be patient and kind to yourself.

[docrobbysherry]

I'm an over 60 CD. I'm STILL trying to figure MYSELF out, let alone u!
I think you'll need to do THAT on your own. Which brings me to the BEST advice I have for u:

GET OUT OF THERE! Once you're on your own, u can be WHO U REALLY R! Good, bad or, WHATEVER!

As far as being involved with your FEM alter ego, there's LOTS of us here with THAT problem!

Sherry is CONSTANTLY getting in the way of my GG dates! And they don't even KNOW about her!

[Taylermade]

Yep we all have certain things we experience and face.
Glad to know I am not the only one with those simliar issues.

But hey at least you are not like me and trying to figure out the "men thing".
Because I enjoy the part of being treated as a "girl", that means I love meeting and going out with guys.

ta-ta

[Faith_G]

Bailey, if there is an MCC church in your area, please go and talk to one of the pastoral staff there. Or just telephone and tell them what you are struggling with. http://www.mccchurch.org/AM/Template.cfm?Section=Home

In church as a kid I was taught to believe that homosexuals were all child molesters out to corrupt young boys. Sounds like you have been exposed to similar toxic religion. You need to see what the Bible really teaches about homosexuality.

You don't say in your post if the act of crossdressing turns you on. Is that the case?

Would you rather be a woman than a man?

[DinaMature]

Just to echo the others in welcoming you here...


Speaking for myself, I was nearly 50 years old before I came to grips that I am a crossdresser; that there is a feminine part of me that has sought expression for years, but that I kept very hidden- even from myself.

Wanting to be with a woman and at the same time wanting to be the woman? I can completely relate.

I love women so much, at time I want to be one.

As for the spirituality you've grown up with, possibly creating a contradiction within your mind... Go with your heart and acknowledge that those who've "preached n teached" to you all these years are mere mortals. They have no more surety of what God intentions are than anyone else.

[aggi123]

I used to pray for forgiveness back when I was a christian. Crossdressing didn't lead me away from christianity, but there was one thing that made me accept being a christian and a crossdresser at the same time. Why is crossdressing a sin? It's just clothes. I hope you figure some things out

[Alice Torn]

[SIZE="3"]Your plight sounds similar, to mine. I may even have to go live with my dad, at 55! I never found a right girl, either, have conflict over Bible, and cding. Living with parents means little or no dressing! Whoever said it was easy? I'd like to talk to that guy, or gal. Sadly, women have no conflict or stigma, about wearing any kind of clothes, but society condemns males cding. Oh, how i wish i was in Texas, where women are belles, instead of Tacoma Wa.[/SIZE]

[Brooke Ashley]

First off, welcome. Secondly, i am very much like you. I am a Christian and conservative in politics, although I am Republican haha.

In my CDing "desires," I guess you'd call them, I want to be FEMALE, not man-in-a-dress.

This also describes me. I love wearing panties, bras, and just dressing in girls clothes all together. But i want to be a girl, not just a man-in-a-dress as you stated. So yes you are not alone here .

[Bailey_in_Mansfield]

Wow! I'm not used to a CD forum with tons of activity! I'm used to the other sites where it's you know, one or two posts a DAY across the whole forum. Uhh, let me go through and reply to the above...

Your pastor was right. God made you just the way you are, and God doesn't make mistakes. Think of yourself as one more tool in God's toolbox to help others realize what a wonderful diversity of people we have here on earth.

True. A lot of that conflict for me comes from...I can't remember which book of the Bible but it's one of the first five or so, where it very plainly says, "Women, do not adorn yourselves with men's clothing, and men, likewise with women's clothing." When I mentioned this to my pastor, he said, "so it uses the word 'adorn.' Doesn't that mean the outside? If you're just wearing the underwear then I don't see the problem." I know there are plenty of "head-to-toe" cross dressers here, but in my case I usually just wear bras and panties under my male clothes out in public...partly because I have a local reputation to keep, and partly because no amount of makeover could make me even close to passing! LOL. Anyway, I get what he was saying, but I don't want to be just making excuses for myself. At any rate, yeah...he was right, I think, to tell me to just trust God to forgive me if I am making a mistake.

God is my judge, no-one else.

Amen to that!

I didn't make a choice at 5 years old to want to be a girl. What 5-year-old makes that choice? No, it's how I was made. And only God will judge me. I figure, if I've tried my best to reflect a little of His light in this world, He'll forgive me for any mistakes I've made.

Holy crap, that reminded me of something I forgot to mention in the first post. At 7 years old I had a similar experience. Except, I was an only child and at 7 I still had never seen a girl naked. Obviously hadn't hit puberty yet either. So I had ZERO clue of the physical differences between male and female. But still I remember saying to a close friend around that time that I felt "like a girl trapped in a boy's body," even though I didn't know what that meant. The only explanation I CAN think of is that I was made that way.

Besides that, I think yours might be the most welcoming and comforting message I've seen here! Thanks so much for that.

GET OUT OF THERE! Once you're on your own, u can be WHO U REALLY R! Good, bad or, WHATEVER!

Believe me, I'm working on that. Thankfully, though, I got a phone call about an hour ago informing me that I'll be getting a very big promotion and my pay will more than double...almost triple... So maybe I can get out of here before too long.

But hey at least you are not like me and trying to figure out the "men thing".
Because I enjoy the part of being treated as a "girl", that means I love meeting and going out with guys.

Well I like being treated as a girl by other girls at least. But I hate socializing with guys no matter how I approach it. It's weird, I AM one and yet I just don't get em.

You don't say in your post if the act of crossdressing turns you on. Is that the case?

Would you rather be a woman than a man?

It used to. I purged a couple years ago and went back to wearing just plain ol boxers and briefs, and I was okay with it for awhile, not really thinking about it during the day until a tennis match against my boss on a day off. "It" was distracting me, flopping around in the boxers, and made me really suck at the game. The next week that we played, I wore briefs, but somehow the damn thing kept coming out of the hole. So I finally broke down and bought one pair of panties, promising myself I'd only wear them for tennis matches so I could avoid being distracted. Well, we all can guess how that turned out!

As for whether I'd rather be a woman or a man... I think I'd choose woman. If it was F.A.B., I'd willingly take the risks all women face rather than go through life as I am. Women do face great risks, sadly...but when their lives are good, they're AWESOME. I guess I'd just look at it as experiences that are more abundant... higher emotional highs and lower lows.

[SIZE="3"]women have no conflict or stigma, about wearing any kind of clothes, but society condemns males cding. Oh, how i wish i was in Texas, where women are belles, instead of Tacoma Wa.[/SIZE]

And that's some of the highs illustrated there, LOL.

Trust me, there are ugly ones in Texas too, Louise. -_- But yes, we've got some lookers too. Texans make good-lookin babies! Must be something in the water.

First off, welcome. Secondly, i am very much like you. I am a Christian and conservative in politics, although I am Republican haha.
This also describes me. I love wearing panties, bras, and just dressing in girls clothes all together. But i want to be a girl, not just a man-in-a-dress as you stated. So yes you are not alone here .

Yes, I'm a Republican as well. Just wanted to convey the "conservative" part more strongly.

[KandisTX]

Bailey,

Yes, you are correct in stating "where it very plainly says, "Women, do not adorn yourselves with men's clothing, and men, likewise with women's clothing." However, in Deuteronomy, it states that man should not eat the meat of beasts with a cloven hoof. That would mean that Pork is not acceptable to eat, and personally I love me some pork chops.

Seriously, Your God is your only judge and that is whom you will have to answer to when you stand before his Throne and await your judgement.

Crossdressing a sin? I doubt that, but then again if you were to attempt to live in accordance with every aspect of the law the Bible sets forth, the only ones living that way are the Jewish people since they remember to keep the food they intake kosher.

As to the politics side of things, I look at myself as being a Liberal Conservative or Conservatively Liberal. You see, we cannot be strict conservatives because they tend to frown on alternative lifestyles, but we cannot be entirely liberal because I refuse to give up my guns.

I do hope you can find the answers you seek, and finally are able to determine where you fit in within our realm of this world.

Kandis

[dilane]

Hi,

Many of the same thoughts were swirling around in my head when I was younger. I learned to accept myself. I know I'm much different than the typical XY stereotype, but I don't feel weird or uncomfortable about it at all.

In my 20's I found (and still have) a woman who is accepting of my dual nature and my decision to keep things part-time for many reasons.

I go out at least one day a week, and socialize in femme mode and have made many friends and acquaintances. (I like to present fully femme when it's Diane time). It gets more enjoyable when you learn to walk the walk and talk the talk .

I'm also Christian, also Conservative economically, but generally libertarian socially.

In my experience, women who have some bi tendencies are much more likely to be accepting of their man being some flavor of T-ness. You really can find one of them who's a match for you.

Feel free to PM me if you want to chat after you get your 10 posts in.

[TonyaV]

Bailey, as you're finding out, you're not alone at all in the way you feel. Many of us have experienced very similar feelings and scenarios just like yours. I personally have come to accept Tonya and I don't fight her off anymore. I am almost 50.

By the way, I am Catholic and also Conservative.

[Bailey_in_Mansfield]

I refuse to give up my guns.

Why do I get the feeling you'll be buying Lynyrd Skynyrd's new CD, "God And Guns" when it comes out?

I go out at least one day a week, and socialize in femme mode and have made many friends and acquaintances. (I like to present fully femme when it's Diane time). It gets more enjoyable when you learn to walk the walk and talk the talk .

That's. Freaking. AWESOME. I wish I could do that. But besides that I seem to be able to grow a beard in a couple hours, I also have asthma which, with millions of coughs over the years, has shredded my vocal cords too much to control my pitch and talk en femme. Talking en femme is a lot like singing, in terms of controlling the pitch...and I've had voice lessons for singing... I just can't do it. Instead I just content myself by portraying myself as a GG in my guild on WoW, helping them to dispel the stereotype that girls don't game. :P

EDIT: 10 posts! Weeeeeeee!

[Brooke Ashley]

Instead I just content myself by portraying myself as a GG in my guild on WoW, helping them to dispel the stereotype that girls don't game. :P

Ok i saw WoW and was like woo hoo! I am a fellow gamer, what do you play???

[6Jenni9]

Bailey, I think we were seperated at birth!

Everything you said in your OP hit the nail right on the head for me, including the Tea Party! Wow, and I thought I was alone...

[MissKara]

Hey Bailey!

Like most of the people above, I can agree that we have all had those things going through our minds aswell.

Before Kara, I was a Christian. Since Kara has surfaced I dont really know how to feel either. The bible verse you were thinking of was Deuteronomy 22:5:

The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the LORD thy God.

I feel your pastor is right with his interpritation. For me it holds little comfort though. Recentally I have pulled away from the church because it hasnt felt right

I hope you can find help here We are all here for you

Lots of Love,
Miss Kara

[Kerigirl2009]

Well Hello bailey and welcome. I fimd the more that I come here the more I learn about myself. Some of the posts just make you think. I think about all of the things that I have in common with the other girls and sometimes it freaks me out because I see where they are now and where they once where and other times I feel content and peaceful because I know I am not alone in all of this. Good luck to you and hope to chat sometime.

[Bailey_in_Mansfield]

Ok i saw WoW and was like woo hoo! I am a fellow gamer, what do you play???

I play WoW on Uldum server, Horde side. Ironically the character I play is a male because I'm a Tauren druid, and I just simply refuse to play a female cow....LMAO.... So yeah, the character is a male but I tell the guild I'm a girl...etc. Character's name is Forsena, btw. Look me up. We're gearing up to raid the Frozen Throne...which just came out today, by the way. Woohoo!

I play mostly RPGs though. Whenever WoW pisses me off, I go over to City Of Heroes where I have some cute superheroines. ^_^ Final Fantasy games too, and Dragon Age. See, that's where I'm definitely more guyish...but I'd take a day of shopping over watching football with "the guys" any day.

Bailey, I think we were seperated at birth!

Everything you said in your OP hit the nail right on the head for me, including the Tea Party! Wow, and I thought I was alone...

Palin 2012?

I've listened to Rush Limbaugh since I was 9... No one "got me into it" or anything... It was when he had his TV show, and I happened to be up too late and caught the show one night. I thought he was funny and entertaining, so I asked my parents for permission to stay up and watch it regularly. Over time, I started getting it. Now I'm the "go to guy" at work and with my family when they want some political insight. In fact, at work, they now call me Rush. :P I sometimes call some of the predictions even before he does. Anyway, just thought I'd share that to give a little insight about me, since I have a fellow Tea Partier here.

[rentonsusanna]

Your story is so interesting to me because I can imagine feeling the way you do. Like you, I find myself envying women for their beauty and (what I suppose is) their emotional freedom. I think in a lot of ways I'm just trying to capture some of that for myself.
My CDing is strictly private and just limited to clothes. It used to be just lingerie, but lately I'm strongly attracted to dresses, sweaters and boots. I used to be afraid to shop but now I just do it -- no one cares! Part of the reason this "hobby" has been on the upswing is that I am recovering from an accident that left me with significant pain, and I find that shopping and dressing helps me forget it for a while.
My guess is that I'll give this up pretty soon, at least for a time. I don't really like having a secret that I could never share (except anonymously, as here). If you can live with that, or can find a way out of the closet, then I will be very happy for you (politics notwithstanding!).

[Brooke Ashley]

I play WoW on Uldum server, Horde side. Ironically the character I play is a male because I'm a Tauren druid, and I just simply refuse to play a female cow....LMAO.... So yeah, the character is a male but I tell the guild I'm a girl...etc. Character's name is Forsena, btw. Look me up. We're gearing up to raid the Frozen Throne...which just came out today, by the way. Woohoo!

Sweet, i play on Drak'Tharon. I am also a Taruen druid(Negreon), unfortunately male cow as well haha, i feel you on not playing female cow. I play Balance spec, which do you play? And yes i am having problems downloading the patch right now so i cant get on . But i also have a Orc Shaman lvl 80 and very geared like my druid. I guess i play too much haha.

[Vicki-Z]

Hi Bailey, first I want to say

Always remember you are never alone. You have many "sisters" here on this forum, and many of them like myself who are very similiar to you. One thing I have learned here is there are a lot of caring people in this group. So sit back, relax and enjoy yourself.

I am also a Christian and have always been worried about what God would think about me. In particular Deuteronomy 22:5 (King James Version) "The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the LORD thy God."

But the more I thought about it the more at ease I became. Remember back in the days when this was written everyone man and women wore robes (very much like dresses). Pants were unheard of. Look at women clothes now. Ever women today wears what used to be considered only men clothes 30 to 40 years ago. Back then it would be unheard of to wear jeans or pants that zipped up in the front instead of the side like women's slacks. A lot of women tops look more like mens not to mention even underwear looking like jockey briefs. Who dictated these styles? I didn't see an amendment in my bible saying that God has change his mine on what clothes a man or a woman should wear. No, fashion designers dictate the styles not God, I'm sure He has more important things to take care of. Nor, did I see where He gave the power to decide to the fashion designers. If we go by this scripture than every man and women would be an "abomination" in his eyes.

Then there are people like you and me who as far back as we can remember always wanted to be a girl. I feel I have gender identity disorder and it is very possible that my mother took the drug DES when she was pregnant with me that might possibly help account for the way I feel. Not to mention pollution, medications, timing of the release of hormones to the brain to set the male gender map, etc. God says he knew us in our mother's womb Psalm 139:13 (Today's New International Version) "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb." If God created us in his image and knew us in our mothers womb than how can we be a mistake. He doesn't make mistakes.

Many churches also preach that we live under the new testament laws and not the old testament laws. I'm sure if it was a really big deal for God he would of had Jesus preach about it in the new testament.

I feel when my time comes God will be looking at me as a person and not at what clothes I'm wearing.

Anyways, those are my own personal thoughts on the matter.

Like you I also have always felt more comfortable socially around women rather than men.

Well enough of this heavy stuff.

Have fun and enjoy.


Vicki