Coming out letter (long)

[Brooke Ashley]

So i wrote this letter to my mom explaining about Skylar and what is inside of me. Basically would just like some opinions, if its too long or too much at once. I would greatly appreciate it it thanks.

Dear Mom,
First let me say that I love you very much. I don’t know what I would do without you. Now I have some things to say and they might not be anything you want to here. This is very scary for me and I don’t know how else to say exactly what I want to so without doing it this way. So here it goes:
I like to wear women’s clothes. As of now I identify as a crossdresser. I just dress up and appear as a woman. I love wearing panties and bras. I love the way heels feel and look on me. I totally despise my body hair. I have been secretly borrowing some of your things since the 8th grade when I first discovered my love of women’s clothes. I have tried over these years to repress the feeling and just hide the fact I like it. For the most part it worked, but would have times, especially over the summer, where I couldn’t take it and just had to find some panties and a bra to put on. I honestly didn’t like doing it as one it was your clothes and two I felt it to be wrong. The thing is there is nothing wrong with it. Many people identify as crossdressers in the world. Yes I haven’t ever really dressed up fully and gone out, but it is my desire too. I want to be able to present as a female in public, as scary as it is to me. Also I wanted to point out that being a Christian really made me try to hide it. I thought it was wrong to God and that I would go to hell if I did it, like I was betraying him. Yes, Deuteronomy does have a verse that relates to this saying something along the lines of you should not wear clothes of the opposite sex. But that was old Hebrew law and was sort of made not valid anymore when Jesus came and presented the New Covenant. I have resources I can show you of research done on this to validate it if you want. I just want you to know that I am still strong in my faith and want to grow closer to God, being a crossdresser has not affected my love of God at all. Many crossdressers in the world also are Christians, so I am not alone.
I think a lot of my depression, especially since starting college, has been contributed to my repression of who I really am. At one point this year in college, I was very depressed and did not know what to do with my life. I never thought of suicide, but wondered why I existed. I felt I had no purpose in the world and that I would never amount to anything. I believe that there is more to that feeling than just being repressed as a crossdresser, but I do think that being one has definitely helped contribute to it. One night I totally freaked out and was so upset and crying and such. I just sat in the lounge and cried in the dark, not knowing what to do. Big reason I want to see a therapist, for not only my gender problems, but problems in general. I talk about this in a later paragraph.
Because of this depression I have faced, I think my grades in college have suffered. I have not lived up to my potential as I am not happy with my grades. But it is very hard to focus on school when I am worried about where I stand in life and who I am as a person.
It also seems that over time, in high school and now in college, that I have kept better connections with friends who were girls. I had Geoff and Corey in high school, but I had more friends who were girls in high school than guys. It seemed like I could relate to them more and most guys just seemed to annoy me. I pretended to be one of the guys, but it just didn’t feel right. Most of the time in high school I would flock to areas where girls were. This may be totally irrelevant, I don’t know. But thought it was worth mentioning.
Here recently my desire to dress as a woman has seen to get worse. I have bought panties, heels, and even a dress off the internet. I painted my toe nails a nice pink color for three days here at WVU. I wanted to paint my finger nails, but that just wasn’t going to happen. I have often wondered what it would be like to have boobs and the female part. I guess wanted to have them is more correct. I know that being a crossdress is scary and probably not something you want to hear. Yet, there is more. Mentioning these things, I think I may be a transsexual. Basically a transsexual feels they were born in the wrong body and should have been of the opposite sex. I don’t know for sure that’s what I am. I need to figure things out in my life and see what I really want. But the signs certainly point to perhaps being a transsexual.
I’d also like to point out that I have done quite a bit of research. I have gone to many websites that have information on this and also have been a member of the crossdresser forum for about half a year now, gathering all the resources I can. I have talked personally with a transsexual, and while you may not think this is safe, it has helped me a lot, with advice and everything. The transsexual I talked to said he(she) had a lot of the same feelings and acted a lot of the same ways that I do now. He(she) thinks that I am most likely a transsexual, but says not to take his(her) word for it.
Those being said, the main reason I wrote this letter to you is to ask for your help. I think it is in my best interest to see a therapist and perhaps one that deals with this sort of thing, a gender therapist. I don’t know the cost or anything like that, but I found one in the Roanoke area. Seems like a pretty good one to go to, but further research can be done. I think this is essential for me to fully figure out who I am as a person. I strongly feel inside I may be a woman, but I think a gender therapist can truly bring out in me what I need to know.
Another thing. I am not gay at all. I have no desire to be with a man at all. I still like women and hope to one day be married to one. I know you may think that being a crossdresser means one is gay. In fact, most crossdressers are totally heterosexual and are married, have kids, or dating another woman. So just wanted to point out that I am not gay, I am completely straight.
Again, I love you guys to pieces. I don’t want you to think that this was your fault or had anything to do with my upbringing. If I were to raise children I would want to follow in your footsteps. So do not think that me being me is the failure of your raising me. Honestly, it may have been a result of some hormone problem early in stages of my brain being developed, which has something to do with the brain not being masculinized properly, all of which im not too informed about but have heard from many sites abot. I am proud of who I am inside and out. I will be glad to answer any questions you have as I’m sure you will have plenty. I am begging you though that you still accept me; I am still Madison and cannot stand the thought of losing your support.
Love,
Madison
P.S. Remember that the last thing I wanted to do was hurt you. I just want you to be proud of me for who I am. Again, I love you very much!

[Samantha Girl]

Your letter definitely covers everything. I am in awe of your courage to come out to your Mom, I hope she is loving and accepts your situation. My heart is worried for you

One thing about the letter, it is long and may, may be a bit overwhelming for her. But it'll probably be a bit overwhelming either way. It's a lot to take in, but I don't know that I would change anything.

Good luck, let us know what happens

[Brooke Ashley]

Your letter definitely covers everything. I am in awe of your courage to come out to your Mom, I hope she is loving and accepts your situation. My heart is worried for you

One thing about the letter, it is long and may, may be a bit overwhelming for her. But it'll probably be a bit overwhelming either way. It's a lot to take in, but I don't know that I would change anything.

Good luck, let us know what happens

Thank you on your comment. I was trying to figure out if i needed to take anything out, but i dont guess i will. Your comments are appreciated .

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

and it say's what you need to say. But before you send it it may be better to decide whether you are leaning trans or just crossdresser. As talking both may confuse your mom a little. In my case I was like you, as I grew up I crossdressed and liked girls more as friends vs guys. I did what was expected of a guy, but was never comfortable. When I decided that I wasn't CD but trans (age 52& Divorced) I then told my family that I was transsexual, I just told them my story and they all accepted me as me. (You can search my profile, all my letters to people are included in previous postings)

But since you are in school still and would need financial support from the parents to seek counseling I think the letter say's it all. I would try to shorten it to fit on one page, eliminate some of the details of taking some of her clothes and just center on getting a gender specialist to help you sort your feelings out and to deal with the depression. Continue to say that you love her very much and need her to accept you no matter what, but otherwise a good letter.

Good luck and let us know how it goes, we are here to support you. Kimberly

[jenniferishappy]

congratulations on a big step. i too would reconsider the transsexual information. why not save that for the face to face? most people have zero insight into this and giving her time to consider the main body of the letter would be a great starting point. she will reread it numerous times most likely and the word transsexual has many negative connotations to those who do not understand the nuances in terminology. you dont want to scare her, just open a dialogue. that is my feedback. be strong and stay relaxed through this. maybe a good time to get some extra exercise if you dont do that regularly, its a great stress reliever.

[LisaM]

Skylar,

Your letter covers everything but .....I think I would send some additional reference material for your mother to learn bout gender conditions. There are plenty of good books, "My Husband wears my clothes", "My Husband Betty" etc.. as well as good web sites that could help her learn more.

I came out to my mother with a lot of the same issues but I did it in person. I felt better doing it in person.

Just my thoughts----I will be thinking of you and wishing you well.

[DanaR]

I think that I would cut the length of the letter way back and just tell her that you are a crossdresser. You could tell her that this is something that you wanted to share for a long time, but you were scared and worried that it might hurt her. If you gave her a shorter version and she had a positive reaction and she asked for more information, you could give her this letter. I suppose that there are a lot of questions about yourself that even you couldn't answer now; like are you a TS or CD'r. Be careful about painting yourself into a corner.

[PretzelGirl]

I am with Dana. Think about this from her perspective. She is going to be reading all of this and trying to process it. Are you giving her too much to digest? Think about what is the minimal amount that will give her sufficient information and let her know you can answer all her questions when **she** is ready.

But when you are ready, just send it off and be comfortable that you have done the right thing as it will make it easier for you when the talking begins.

[SuzanneBender]

Skylar,

You deserve a big hug for your bravery to come out. Its a big decission, but the right one in the long run.

Your letter is good, but as the others have said its much too long. Don't try to explain everything in the letter. Most of those explainations will take numerous long talks that will likely make the bonds you and your Mom have stronger than you ever imagined.

Re-read your letter from your Mom's perspective. My only editorial comment would be that you are very defensive about your dressing especially when it comes to your faith.

Let your Mom know that you love her, let her know that this is a part of you, let her know you are still a Christian, let her know that you are battling with depression and the challeges that being transgendered brings and let her know that you need her love and support no matter where this journey takes you.

For goodness sake take out the lines about wondering what it would be like to have boobs and female parts. She is going to thing that you are going to load up in the car tomorrow and head to the clinic for Gender Reassinment Surgery. She is going to be worried enough. You need to try to comfort her in your letter.

I wrote a letter to my wife when I came out. I would be willing to share it with you in a PM if you would like.

Darling again I applaud your bravery. Give your Mom the letter with a big hug. Also remember that we owe our loved ones at least as long to come to terms with who we are as it took for us to come to terms with it.

[Emma68]

Skylar,

Firstly can I say that you are much braver than me and your honesty is admirable. Secondly I need to emphasise that its always very much easier to comment critically on the content of a letter than it is to produce it from scratch.

I think that you've said almost everything that needs to be said. Just a couple of suggestions. Try and keep it as short and simple as possible. You don't want there to be so much detail in there as to overwhelm your Mum. You might like to think about removing some of the detail about the type of clothes that you love to wear, the fact that you wore your mothers things and your interest in 'boobs and the female parts'. This is all probably a touch too graphic at this stage.

As Suzanne highlighted, you also seem to be slightly defensive. You say at one point for instance that your 'desire to dress as a woman has got worse'. The term 'worse' is maybe sending the wrong signals. If you think that its deviant behaviour why shouldn't your Mum? Maybe a more neutral term like 'increased' would send a more positive signal.

Just one other thought. I don't know how you were intending to deliver the letter, but if its not going to be in person, i.e if its just left for your Mother to find, then you might want to think about her initial reaction. Receiving a letter from somebody which starts very ominously by saying 'I love you but you might not want to hear what I'm about to say', particularly if, as you hint, that person has had issues with depression, might actually make somebody fear the very worst thing possible...... So for the sake of your Mother's nerves, why not immediately start with something like 'I'm just writing this to tell you about a side of me which I don't think that you are aware of'?

I'm sure that after reading this letter and understanding your honesty, bravery and the issues you are dealing with, your Mum will be even more proud of you than she was before.

[Brooke Ashley]

Wow, thank you girls. Your critiscism is fantastic and you all make great points. I guess i never thought exactly how my Mom would feel about it and do need too narrow it down a bit. Again, thank you all for your comments, it has been a great help.

[Draglizar]

"I think a lot of my depression, especially since starting college, has been contributed to my repression of who I really am. At one point this year in college, I was very depressed and did not know what to do with my life. I never thought of suicide, but wondered why I existed. I felt I had no purpose in the world and that I would never amount to anything. I believe that there is more to that feeling than just being repressed as a crossdresser, but I do think that being one has definitely helped contribute to it. One night I totally freaked out and was so upset and crying and such. I just sat in the lounge and cried in the dark, not knowing what to do. Big reason I want to see a therapist, for not only my gender problems, but problems in general. I talk about this in a later paragraph."

I can really connect to this part specifically, I think you did a great job detailing out what you needed to say, but do agree some of the details may be unnecessary and a bit much to swallow all at once.

Personally I am still in the closet and have told very few people and am struggling with the issue of being transgender or just a cross-dresser. My wife and one close friend know what I'm going through, but other than that I haven't told anyone in my work life, family life, or friend life. I guess in the end I'm still scared.

But enough about me, your taking an awesome step and have our support.