The Tragedy of Paralysis and CD'ing

[ChastityInFemme]

WARNING- some info below may be offensive or R-rated and is not intended to be.

Today has been a day of realization for me. First let me remind you of my disability, I’m a C6 quadriplegic. I have movement of my shoulders, biceps, and can curls my wrists (or the motion that would be like bending your hand backwards, technically I think this is wrist extension). I have an aide that comes in the morning to help get me a shower and dressed and another that gets me in bed at night. For bowel and bladder needs I have a nurse that comes 4-5 times a day. So needless to say, I have no privacy. Not good. I’m tired of having to rely on other people to keep me functioning. I want privacy. I want dignity back. I know there are other quadriplegics my level that take care of themselves, so why shouldn’t I? lately this has been bothering me and I think now I’m on the road to independence. I’m tired of being oppressed by the upper hand of paralysis.

What I’d love to do is completely get rid of my urge to crossdress. It’s constantly on my mind anymore. I think this urge is a big factor in my desire to become fully independent and have privacy back. Back to my urge. It’s hard for me to get on my laptop and do school work without moseying on to Flickr to admire other cross dressers for what they are able to do what I’m not yet able to. If I don’t end up on Flickr, then I’m window shopping for clothes, shoes, or whatever I’d like to get my hands on that I would have before my accident. It’s like an addiction. I believe my problem is also a problem in itself. Let me explain. Before my accident, I would dress up for a while and be done with dressing for a week or so. That release and guilt satisfied my urge for that week until the whole process repeats. I believe the fact that my crossdressing ended in masturbation is alone a problem, but nonetheless my urge was satisfied. Now my main problem is that I cant due to paralysis, and get that flow of guilt and regret that kept me from dressing for the next week. So imagine feeling horny, turned on, and never have that “aahhhh” and feeling that way until something breaks the cycle like a phone call, knock on the door, etc. I want so bad to dress up and go out en femme. I’m dying to come out and be free. That day will come, most likely after I move out after I graduate school.

There are some things I cant wait to happen too. I have a hairy chest and despise it. It is a certain thing that hair removal will happen when I can afford it. I’ve always thought chest hair was nasty and used to shave it off pre-accident. After I graduate school, I will get laser hair removal or electrolysis if I have to. I wouldn’t even mind having armpit hair removed too…it annoys me. And this is all from the male perspective. Hell facial hair is annoying too…I never grow it out and it’s an annoyance to shave. Remove that too. For leg hair I’ve thought instead of waxing or shaving I might use and epilator. I don’t have much feeling in my legs so I might as well. Something I just did recently was some major plucking of my eyebrows. I didn’t do a drastic amount but I plan to slowly pluck them into a more feminine shape. I say major plucking because I did do a lot, but not all that noticeable. Plus it’s not a good thing to just go pluck mass hairs because I feel like I’d pluck too much. I want to live alone so I have freedom to dress whenever I want. Like sleep in a nightie, get a shower and shave my legs only to lotion and grace them with pantyhose, fill my dresser drawer with panties instead of boring boxers, have a shoe rack full of shoes…women’s shoes, a closet with dresses and pant/dress suits, relax after work in some sexy lingerie. I can and will go on; give myself a pedi and paint my toenails, go a whole weekend with fake fingernails, or just a whole weekend en femme…a pink fog on weekends would be amazing! Thinking of these things puts a content smile on my face.

Something happened today while I was getting ready this morning. I was shaving using my electric shaver and I’ve been wanting to give the man-area a buzz down lately. For some reason I was always scared of doing this but I manned up. What helped out was it was kind of cold so everything was close together. I shaved above the shaft, leaving a feminine strip of hair in the middle like girls do these days. Then I went onto the boys. This was the part I was scared of. Never was a fan of taking sharp objects to the scrotum but I did anyways. It felt liberating to get rid of all that hair. Sadly I shaved that strip I left at first because I’m sure that would seem odd to leave it there for one of my nurses. So now my man area is bald! Then I started thinking about something I never was able to do, tucking. I know where things are supposed to go but they just never wanted to before my accident. So I fiddled with everything and finally did it! The boys went up in my abdominal cavity. Righty went in fairly easy but lefty was a bit harder to do. I tucked them in and out quite a few times and now they seem to go up in me before falling between my legs…something I don’t understand. Do remind yourself I’m always sitting down too, things fall between my legs quite often. I’m really excited I figured this out and plan on messing around with it when I’m in the shower again.

Thanks to anyone who reads this. I have a lot to talk about and no where to talk about it, except here with you gals. I may not reply right away to anyone to asks questions, which I don’t mind at all. Please ask a question if you have one. I know some peole are afraid of offending the disabled, but I can assure you that it is mighty hard to offend me. I often make "cripple" jokes. So ask ANY question you may have.

-Chastity

[Nicole Erin]

It is good you can do some things.
Bu8t for dressing at all, are you worried about the approval of whoever you live with? You didn't really get into that. I am guessing you live at your own home or maybe an assisted home?

See I think about things like - what if something happened to me that I would have to rely on others just to function? I do not go to any length to hide my TG-ness so it would not be a big deal as far as that, my biggest thing is worried of who I would have to stay with, like if it was my dad.

I remember when I was 14 and my step-mom's mother had to stay with us on count of her health and such, and how my dad used to treat her like she was nothing more than a burden. It was not like beating her up but just the way he used to talk to her.

I don't worry too much though cause my dad is old and probably won't be around much longer but sometimes I wonder like if something happens where a person cannot take care of themselves, where would they go stay? I have thought about getting some kind of will or legal thing that would prevent me from having to stay with my dad should I ever become physically unable tyo take care of myself.

[ChastityInFemme]

It is good you can do some things.
Bu8t for dressing at all, are you worried about the approval of whoever you live with? You didn't really get into that. I am guessing you live at your own home or maybe an assisted home?

I didn’t even think about describing my living situation! Right now I live at home with my parents and a younger brother. In the mornings I have an aide that gets me together that is my age and quite attractive. Twice a week I go to physical therapy and work with people my age. Also I’m going to college right now as well. I’m a 22 year old C6 quadriplegic, typically an upbeat funny person but this inner turmoil I described above knocks me down sometimes…but I keep that locked up inside.

I’m worried about approval of my family and don’t want to lose the few friends I have. That’s why I plan on waiting to explore my limitations when I move out into my own place after graduation. Patience is a virtue I have and I at least tell myself I can wait til after graduation to start indulging in my desires. I’m also in a relationship with a girl that has been going on for 2 years. Although I’m not worried about her accepting because I know we wont last all tht much longer. It’s just a way too unstable relationship…we argue way too much and don’t have all that much in common. To be honest, I don’t know how the hell this thing lasted 2 years.

Currently I do not have a vehicle I can drive but when I do get this vehicle, I’ll for sure have to buy some article of female clothing. Most likely a bra because I can put one on myself and due to my disability I do have enough on my chest to fill an a or possibly b cup. Funny thing is I’m not overweight at all either.

[Sideways]

My first concern would go to advocacy ... to the extent of before coming out or considering to come out - which in this case would likely be a necessity - you might want to think about contacting a major, local or nearby TG organization (as its the most viable for resource and support.) because with an impairment, more so at this degree the discrimination factor triples, potentially even more being at home and realistically, you need to have some legal standby to protect all your rights and interests - even if its just an in-case.

Secondary, a local group might also be able to provide some more suitable help or possibly even an in-person advocate to help you discuss this with your family, or be able to provide some social contacts for someone to 'volunteer' to help you on this journey, even just to cd.

Or maybe test out the waters with a friend ... decide you want to be pseudo trendy, and go for something that gives you a little more room to explore being a pretty boi.

But still, being a gimp (which I fall into the category too) means you have to come off even more sane, intelligent, calm and cool to even be treated as second class human being by most people that don't realize they make handguns for the physically impaired.

[ChastityInFemme]

My first concern would go to advocacy ... to the extent of before coming out or considering to come out - which in this case would likely be a necessity - you might want to think about contacting a major, local or nearby TG organization (as its the most viable for resource and support.) because with an impairment, more so at this degree the discrimination factor triples, potentially even more being at home and realistically, you need to have some legal standby to protect all your rights and interests - even if its just an in-case.

Secondary, a local group might also be able to provide some more suitable help or possibly even an in-person advocate to help you discuss this with your family, or be able to provide some social contacts for someone to 'volunteer' to help you on this journey, even just to cd.

Or maybe test out the waters with a friend ... decide you want to be pseudo trendy, and go for something that gives you a little more room to explore being a pretty boi.

But still, being a gimp (which I fall into the category too) means you have to come off even more sane, intelligent, calm and cool to even be treated as second class human being by most people that don't realize they make handguns for the physically impaired.

Thank you Sideways, that is definitely something I will look into. Gimp life isn’t the greatest thing especially when you top it off with transgender issues.

What my main goal is right now is to become as independent as possible. I don’t want someone else dressing me…it’s something that is possible to do on my own. I know another quadriplegic that has the same level of function as me and he takes care of himself. Getting himself ready in the morning and at night, as well as taking care of bowel and bladder needs. If he can, so can I. It’s a scary thought right now but it will take baby steps and require fearlessness or so I believe. With an injury such as mine, a feeling of vulnerability developes once you realize how many different things can go wrong and result in a fall or another injury of some sort. Everyone has heard, “help! Help, I‘ve fallen and cant get up!” before. If I fall and end up in the floor then I’m screwed. Think about it…

-Chastity

[docrobbysherry]

It's the same advice for ALL CD beginners;

Take BABY STEPS! However, from your posts, it sounds like that's exactly what you're planning!

Please keep posting, Chastity. Maybe we can help, maybe we can't. But, I'm sure WE CARE!

[ChastityInFemme]

It's the same advice for ALL CD beginners;

Take BABY STEPS! However, from your posts, it sounds like that's exactly what you're planning!

Please keep posting, Chastity. Maybe we can help, maybe we can't. But, I'm sure WE CARE!

Thanks Doc! I do want to take baby steps…but I so wish a flip of a switch could change everything. The best thing about this forum is the amount of support you get from everyone. There’s endless amounts of advice that is all worthwhile.

[Marcia Blue]

[SIZE="3"]Chasity,
I hope the road to Independence is not all up hill and switch backs. You sound like you are young and have the inner strength to achieve your goal. Please keep us informed of your progress as you see fit.
I hope only the best for you.
Hugs,[/SIZE]

[sterling12]

During my Career, I worked with Quads who were on ventilators, and your obviously a lot further along than that.

I seem to remember that there were specialists who dealt with matters of sexuality for para and quadriplegic people. I think they are somewhat rare, but they do exist. This might be an Avenue worth exploring. You are young and you need some form of outlet. You are also transgendered, and I'm sorry but I don't think it's going to go away.

If you have been long-term in a Therapeutic Setting, I'm sure your familiar with The Concept of "Visualization" for pain relief. You might try something like that for matters of sexuality. Remember, it's hard for people to interrupt or interfere, if "The Trip" is in your mind. I think you are already up to "feeling horny status," so it's possible that you could acheive a lot more. There are Quad and Para People out there who have wives, and have Fathered Children.

Independence and ability to perform ADL's? What do your Doctors say? Never mind The Guy who "is just like you." Do they believe, do you believe, you can generate enough compensatory actions to get around many of The Problems. If you can show them enough "Work-Arounds," they will pay attention! They want you to achieve as much as possible, and usually nobody is that concerned about how you get there.

Last item...I know it's tough to talk to your Nurses, but we are taught to understand these things. If you speak up and ask for "a little more time and privacy, cause' I'm Transgendered and need to dress up." She/He will listen, understand, and give you some space, probably even assist you. We realize that sexuality doesn't go away, often right through old age. And, I would think about 99% of us wouldn't care about your transgendered status.

Life hasn't dealt you a great hand, but your brain appears to be excellent, and you can certainly have a full and interesting life. I think if you choose to live that life transgendered, you can accomplish a great deal of what you want to do.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Andy66]

Thank you, Chastity for letting us into your world and explaining what it's like to be quadraplegic. You mentioned some things that I hadn't really thought about.

But still, being a gimp (which I fall into the category too) means you have to come off even more sane, intelligent, calm and cool to even be treated as second class human being by most people that don't realize they make handguns for the physically impaired.

...Gimps got guns?

[ChastityInFemme]

During my Career, I worked with Quads who were on ventilators, and your obviously a lot further along than that.

I seem to remember that there were specialists who dealt with matters of sexuality for para and quadriplegic people. I think they are somewhat rare, but they do exist. This might be an Avenue worth exploring. You are young and you need some form of outlet. You are also transgendered, and I'm sorry but I don't think it's going to go away.

If you have been long-term in a Therapeutic Setting, I'm sure your familiar with The Concept of "Visualization" for pain relief. You might try something like that for matters of sexuality. Remember, it's hard for people to interrupt or interfere, if "The Trip" is in your mind. I think you are already up to "feeling horny status," so it's possible that you could acheive a lot more. There are Quad and Para People out there who have wives, and have Fathered Children.

Independence and ability to perform ADL's? What do your Doctors say? Never mind The Guy who "is just like you." Do they believe, do you believe, you can generate enough compensatory actions to get around many of The Problems. If you can show them enough "Work-Arounds," they will pay attention! They want you to achieve as much as possible, and usually nobody is that concerned about how you get there.

Last item...I know it's tough to talk to your Nurses, but we are taught to understand these things. If you speak up and ask for "a little more time and privacy, cause' I'm Transgendered and need to dress up." She/He will listen, understand, and give you some space, probably even assist you. We realize that sexuality doesn't go away, often right through old age. And, I would think about 99% of us wouldn't care about your transgendered status.

Life hasn't dealt you a great hand, but your brain appears to be excellent, and you can certainly have a full and interesting life. I think if you choose to live that life transgendered, you can accomplish a great deal of what you want to do.

Peace and Love, Joanie

Where you said, “You are transgendered…” it kind of felt weird. Not in a weird way, but an eye-opening kind of way.

As for coming out to nurses, I have no desires to do that. I’d rather learn to take care of my bowel and bladder issues and not have to come out to anyone, just be able to enjoy my dressing in my own home. I have the courage to go out in public en femme and meet other transgendered people. My doctor hasn’t really voiced an opinion on independence yet. For me, I believe anything is possible. Something I believe is that if I can reach it, it’s possible. I’ve impressed myself with what I can accomplish thus far and don’t really see why I cant be fully independent. It’s all about manipulating or adapting things so I can do it.

It’s a frustrating thing to have to rely on other people to take care of your basic hygiene needs and bowel and bladder things. If I learned to catheterize myself, there wouldn’t be any worry of when and where I have to meet someone for a simple bathroom visit. “This other guy” that is a C5 quadriplegic can take care of himself, so why wouldn’t I be able to when I have more function? I see it as a learning issue. All I have to do is learn how to do these things. Sammons & Preston has many aides to daily living that I would benefit from. Button and zipper pullers, bra strap holders, pantyhose donners, endless amounts of shower equipment, house care adapters…the list goes on.

And yes I know about sexual capabilities…and I know of a person that talks to disabled people about sex. I’d love to talk to her about transgendered stuff…but I’m not anywhere near a face to face consult about crossdressing…