Evident wake up call from wife

[lanell]

My wife works at a bank she comes home describeing a canadian crossdresser
and is making a joke of it.
I have triied to find the right time to share my other life with her and yet I listened to her and totally undertood the way she felt yet crushed me knowing I could be that guy triing to express myself and yet mocked by others that way.
he is the but of many jokes in my small town and I feel for him.
I have not met him but this is a cruel world and how can one compete with that.
my wife and son where having alot of fun with it yet as far as I am concerned without any knowledge or understanding for the way or reason why we do what we do.
I guess I am not sure why i do what I do either but it feels natural and makes me feel whole inside.
if someone was to ask me what my idea of hell is this is.
people should be able to express themself in this day and age without predudice and prosicution.
they accep everything else.
just look whats on tv.
well what is your take on this.

Lesbian in a mans body

[LisaKarenAZ]

I'm sorry to hear of your situation.
It's always a frustration to hear of intolerance in any form. It's even worse when it originates from our loved ones.

We try to teach tolerance in our house to the kids. We're far from perect, but we make an attempt.

Did you happen to say anything during the time they were making fun of this person?

[TabbyJames]

Prejudice takes many faces and trancendes history, it will always be with the human race and just as we cant change our "problem", it cant change its force. All we can hope for is understanding from a minority, a small minority.

Thanks for sharing your story Lanell, and know there are others (us) that feel this every day to one degree or another.

[Joanne f]

It is always difficult when you just want to be your self but you live in an area or town that you know is bias against people who are a bit different to most , it makes you feel that the whole world is against you especially when you have heard comments about someone else who is similar to you , it high lights your fear of being found out.
It is always possible that your wife could be just running with the pack so to speak when she makes comments about this other person and when faced with the reality of her husband or anyone else in the family being like it could have a completely different attitude about it but i am sure that you know her best and know the best way to handle it .( small towns can be a very lonely place).

[Rogina B]

It isn't right that you should have let her get started,unchecked..You could have talked about tolerance,openmindedness,how in other areas outside of her little world,TG's are treated with a "live and let live attitude". You aren't doing right to be so silent against close mindededness. You will be the victim of it before long!

[lanell]

I should have called them on it but ones fear is always how they read me on it and why

[Paula_56]

I realized long ago she will never understand, I am stuckto deal with this on my own and in secret.

[Sandra]

IMO you should have talked about tg issues with her and your son, after all you are intitled to your opinion. If they are not educated they how are they going to learn....

[DiannaRose]

It's one of the worst feelings in the world when the rejection comes so strongly from one so close. These are the people who purport to love us, but sometimes they just can't love all of us.

My wife was the same way...very accepting and supporting when the TG person was, say, a contestant on America's Next Top Model, or a comedian like Eddie Izzard, or a group on the news, but when it came right down to it she couldn't support her own husband. She can barely accept it, even months later.

In her case, there are other issues involved that make it difficult for her to accept any change in a loved one. A lot of history of loved ones changing for the worse (getting sick, passing away, turning from supportive to less so...), so that she automatically sees my "change" as a bad thing.

It sounds like your wife is listening to society rather than making up her own mind about things. Or, if not, then she has some issues in her own head that prevent her from accepting something so radically different. I don't know if or how you can combat this...if you're a praying person, God may give you some guidance. I am, and I'll keep you and your wife in my prayers, and hope He sends you the right time, words and circumstances to broach the subject with her.

But know that there are thousands of people who do accept and support you, even if you haven't met any of us yet.

[Karren H]

We no longer have those judgmental issues in our household... Every since my wife knows and even though she isn't a big fan.... we have a gay child which totally changes the familys views... So none of those types of comments on what other people do.... At all.

[Jenny Beth]

I know how you feel. A few years ago my wife's older sister was telling us a story from a friend who works at Sears. Apparently a guy dressed as a woman had bought some lingerie and her friend made negative comments about it to her. My wife's sister agreed and said to us, "How sick is that?" I had to keep my mouth shut and it was all I could do to not throw her out of our house on her ass. Looking back I should have called her on it and I will if I ever hear this sort of thing from her again. What I find interesting though is my wife's younger sister knows about me and it hasn't bothered her one bit.

[KayleeDahl]

I always shot down remarks like this - with a dismissive "as long as they are happy" retort, which usually took the fire out of the conversation. It seems to immediately humanize the object of their mockery, and disarms the speaker.

Teach your son that it is more manly to stick up for someone being put down, than to be the one putting them down!

I also understand how it must have hit home to you, realizing how "against" a big part of you your wife is. Also remember that it may just be her way of dealing with something she doesn't understand.

Hugs
-Sera

[Angie G]

I'm with you on this.I've known people that don't want to be judged but seem to always have some thing to say about others. If we could only get people to think what if it was me.
Angie

[JenniferR771]

Its hard to defend someone when you are not out. I understand. But you could point out that you yourself would never make fun of another person, be they gay, transgendered or lesbian. Mention that it is not a choice, but "they are born that way." Charity begins at home. The bank will lose a customer if he catches on to the negative vibes. Surely the bank has an anti-discrimination policy.

[Melinda G]

Forewarned is forearmed. Be glad you got the wakeup call, and a heads up. Many have no idea what they are blundering into. It's not right, but that's the way it is. Life isn't always fair.

[~Eve~]

If you are happy, that is all that matters but I agree, it's hard to take this attitude from your family and it makes opening up to them about this part of you even more difficult. I suppose you would have liked to say 'at least he (she) is happy but it's understandable that you could give too much away though might be worth saying something next time, I would if it was me.
You never know, challenging her with the 'happy' comment might even develop into a situation where you could air your views and have a useful discussion.

[carolinoakland]

I know that fear, and you feel badly for not speaking up. Fear is evil, it gives us reasons to not be the best that we are capable of. I used to be very stand offish with the trans crowd. I was terrified they'd clock me, and out me. See? Fear is evil. Now, well, I can't stand by in the face of inhumanity. Well looky here! I've finally joined the human race! Carol

[Allsteamedup]

I think you are all missing the point here.
This man was 'read'. His appearance could obviously have been better or he would just have passed for another customer.
At that point people get embarrassed.
The comments your family made pertained to that situation and any curiousity they felt about why someone would choose to go out in publicl like that etc.
If the man was an acquaintance of yours or sitting in your lounge they would not have said what they did.
So where is your role as parent in this?
Your family were not passing judgement on you, but a situation as reported.
So how do you feel about cders who get read in public?

[DonnaT]

I think you are all missing the point here.
This man was 'read'. His appearance could obviously have been better or he would just have passed for another customer.
At that point people get embarrassed.

Sorry, but I disagree. On both counts.

The point is, people should not be making fun of others, and it should not be taught to their children.

Secondly, those making fun were most likely not embarrassed at all, they were just being judgmental, if not bigoted.

Not all trans folk are going to pass, and not being able to pass should not prevent us from being who we are, even in public.

[SuzanneBender]

Lanell I am sorry that your fear forced you pass up this excellent opportunity to at least express the importance of tollerance in today's world to those you love.

I look at moments like this as teaching opportunities. I am not out to all of my kids, friends or coworkers yet, but they all will tell you that I am a huge advocate when it comes to others no matter the persons race, creed, color, biological sex, sexual orientation or gender. It has landed me in some hotly contested debates, but the little victories make the activist in me happy.

Hang in there girl. Your heart is in the right place.

[theresa]

Lanell,

It is sad that our society at large has defined "standards" for how men and women should look and act. The more enlightened members of society are open minded and accepting of people that are different, but for the rest of society, they can be very insensitive to people that don't meet the model. I think is could be a result of their own insecurities, fears and unfulfilled desires in life.

All we can do is to stand up for the rights of others. The more people that stand up against this sort of thing, the more other people will become more tolerant. Certainly the gay and lesbian community has shown how this can be done successfully with combinations of political and social activity.

[KarenCDFL]

I have found most intolerance is an end result of fear. Why do people find it necessary to put down others is beyond me. Does making fun of something different really make you a bigger and better person? Not a chance.

If your wife saw a person in a wheel chair with no legs would she make a joke about it?

I am not trying to put your wife down. Intolerance is something we all are or have been guilty of.

Maybe because I am a cross dresser, I find intolerance unacceptable because I want to be accepted.

Enough rambling...

[Jason+]

Lanell,

If someone can't accept difference in a stranger I don't see them having any tolerance for the same in a loved one. My wife has a much easier time accepting the faceless cross dresser all the way until the fog lifts and the face is mine. To her credit she's here and doing her best.

At work the conversation of what is and isn't gay comes up and clothing is generally a ticket straight to gay in most minds. I love to call them on it and ask them how many articles of womens clothing it would take them to put on before they started to like men or if when their wive/girlfriends put on pants do they suddenly turn lesbian.

All the same I hope things work out for you in the end.

[Wallflower]

I have noticed that people make jokes when they are uncomfortable or just ignorant about a subject. I came from a small town an my group of friends made many jokes about gays. Now one of them came out in the past couple of years and the group was not overflowing with support, but they did accept him. I was shocked that they were so accepting.

[sherri52]

I'm sorry your family feels the way they do. I would probably find that crossdresser and have cofee with him and hope my wife sees me.