Don't know what to do

[Rianna Humble]

I have been under-dressing at work for a couple of months now and on dress-down days have been pushing things a little but with next to no reaction from the majority of people at work.

Last Friday was the staff Xmas party for the office where I work (about 300 people were at the party). I was sorely tempted to go en femme but thought this might not be the right occasion to come completely out of the closet, so I just had a fresh manicure and pedicure although I had to cover up the pedi with my man shoes

One of the grils who works in my manager's other team complemented me on my nails and said that she had hoped to see me wearing something "a bit prettier".

Later in the evening, I pressed her for an explanation and she said that she has noticed me wearing tights under my trousers and other things and that she thought it a pity I had not dressed "in a way that would make you feel comfortable" to come to the party.

I desperately want to come out of the closet at work but there are personal circumstances outside of work that would make going 24/7 impossible.

Can I (or even should I) approach management about dressing for dress-down days? How do I explain that I want to dress Friday through Sunday but not Monday through Thursday? Is that what I want?

I know that we have anti-discrimination laws in the UK, but what if my decision makes my co-workers uncomfortable? Should their discomfort prevent me from being myself?

Come to that who am I? How can I even envisage half the week as Le Rosbif and half the week as Rianna?

Please help, I am feeling desperate and just don't know what to do or what to think.

[Joanne f]

It really depends on the type of the people that you are working with as it will not be so much as you making them feel uncomfortable but more of the possibility of them making you feel uncomfortable , maybe the small steps system might be the wisest way to start with in that way you will get to test the water without the possibility of loosing you job.

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Rianna

Firstly I would not consider dressing at work unless you are going full time
Yes it may have been ok for a xmas party had you chosen to do that but only if the management know all about your crossdressing

What you do on your own time should be fine but keep it away from work is my advice

Well it seems you have someone who knows at work, so you will have a few interesting conversations in the future

[tricia_uktv]

Rianna. With all these things; think, think and think again. I am out everywhere other than work although I am out to some there and could come completely out if I wished. It is though too risky and since work pays for my outfits I don't wish to do that. I'm not sure how deeply you are into this but take your time.

[DiannaRose]

Ri, I feel for you... I really do. It is so hard not to be who we are. I agree with the others, though...go slowly and don't let emotion rule your decision-making. It's great that at least one person knows about you at your work, but she's only one person, and coming out to the entire workforce is a big, big decision.

With the caveat that this is coming from someone not in the slightest "out" anywhere at all (except here)...If it was me, I'm have a talk with my HR people, let them know that this is what I do, find out their policies, get their advice, but don't make any decisions based on that information alone.

Then I'd talk to my immediate supervisor about it, let them know that this is something you're considering, but that you have concerns about upsetting your co-workers. Weigh all the information against what your heart tells you before making any decisions.

Perhaps you can start by wearing some less-femme femme clothes...nice jeans, perhaps sweater or simple blouse...nothing so overly femme that it would throw people off, but enough to show them a little of that side of you. That way, pehaps they can get used to it over time. Then you can ramp things up a little, once everyone seems to accept it.

These are just thoughts...as I said, I have zero experience to base them on. But do let us know what you decide, and know that we're here for you no matter what.

I think you are so blessed to have even one co-worker that knows about you, and that she's okay with it. How many of us would love to have that?

-Annie

[StacyCD]

Ri,

Unless you are in a job where you can walk straight to another one without missing a beat, I would not do anything that would affect your meal ticket. While it may be OK with HR and even some coworkers, it's not hard to imagine that when the novelty wears off you might be 'shut out' by others that are not so accepting. While I think Tiger Wood's private life should be private, I don't think all of his major sponsors are so accepting. Yes, this is very different but don't think for a minute that for some people it will be a problem. Many of the SOs of members on this list are not accepting of the people that they claim to love. Just an opinion.

[suchacutie]

I've read your post a few times and each time I come to the same possible conclusions:

1) She is flirting with you and very interested in you. What better way to connect than to link into the one very emotional vulnerability in your life?

2) Management is not being friendly to you and this is a probe to see what can be done. To eliminate this possiblity, skip any thoughts of coming out at work.

3) She is just a busybody interested in pulling people's strings and seeing what happens to them. This is not fun.

4) She is just a harmless gossip and would love to use you for gossip fodder.

So, 2 is soluble by not coming out at work. 1), 3), and 4) are soluble by taking the lady to lunch and sounding her out without committing to anything yourself.

I would move carefully, but in a direction to see what this lady's intentions are, truly. Then you can make your own decisions.

my

tina

[tinalynn]

I agree to work with her and see what she's getting at. I suspect she's interested in knowing you better and would be supportive, at the least. But I don't know her...

As for work, don't come straight out. Many years back a co-worker did, and it did not go well with others. The business had to set up a unisex bathroom; HR was involved; and most co-workers became (rightfully) nervous whenever she was around. You say the wrong thing, look cross (even unintentionally), snicker at someone else's joke (not about her) - and HR would come down on them, not because she complained, just because of the circumstances and laws involved. It was just a bad situation. She eventually left to another state, where she started fresh as a woman (pre-op).

The point is, when you come out at work it doesn't just affect you. It affects everyone in your sphere...

[sherri52]

I think the GG likes you. I wouldn't do anything at work until you are sure you want to go 24/7. Make plans with the girl instead. You can always go out dressed with her.

[KateW]

Let me know if they are accepting and I might come and work there too!

[Sally2005]

Look at it this way... how would you be impacted if you lost your job tomorrow? If not tomorrow, how about after several months of disputes or complaints with co-workers? If you are prepared for the worst, then you can do anything.

[DanaR]

I've always felt that if you owned the place you can dress anyway you wish.

But if you don't own the place be very careful, like was mentioned earlier. Be cautious about getting involved with co-workers as well, they could have your whole career in their hands.

[Deborah_UK]

I
I know that we have anti-discrimination laws in the UK, but what if my decision makes my co-workers uncomfortable? Should their discomfort prevent me from being myself?

Be very careful on that front the current Equality Bill does not currently explicitly protect transgender people who are not intending to undergo gender reassignment. However, depending on circumstances it might be possible that courts would interpret the Sex Discrimination Act to protect from discrimination against cross-dressing, intersex or androgyne people for example, if the discrimination was because the person is transgender.

[Loni]

you must find out what is up with this lady first!

no ofice romance, way to many problems there.

does not matter what any law says. if people there do not like you or what you do, there will be problems.
my job...if not fired on the spot. or problems with "other" drivers, then I would be made to quit.
so tread easy and have fun.

.

[Rianna Humble]

First of all, a BIG thank you to all you lovely ladies who helped me screw my head back on the right way round.

I was feeling desperate, but your words of wisdom and support have helped me to see that this is not a situation where I should rush into something blindly.

I've read your post a few times and each time I come to the same possible conclusions:

1) She is flirting with you and very interested in you. What better way to connect than to link into the one very emotional vulnerability in your life?

2) Management is not being friendly to you and this is a probe to see what can be done. To eliminate this possiblity, skip any thoughts of coming out at work.

3) She is just a busybody interested in pulling people's strings and seeing what happens to them. This is not fun.

4) She is just a harmless gossip and would love to use you for gossip fodder.

So, 2 is soluble by not coming out at work. 1), 3), and 4) are soluble by taking the lady to lunch and sounding her out without committing to anything yourself.

I would move carefully, but in a direction to see what this lady's intentions are, truly. Then you can make your own decisions.

my

tina

Tina, thank you for your thoughts. I don't think that there is any attraction, but I have asked her to come for a coffee and a chat some time (she is rushed off her feet at work at the moment).

I agree to work with her and see what she's getting at. I suspect she's interested in knowing you better and would be supportive, at the least. But I don't know her...

{snip}

The point is, when you come out at work it doesn't just affect you. It affects everyone in your sphere...

Thank you for the words of caution. I sort of knew that it would affect others more than me, but maybe it was a dense pink fog, I didn't know what to think.

You may be right that Lucy is interested in knowing me, but it may also just be that she is kind to stray animals, after all I wouldn't be interested in knowing the foring old bart that is me in drab.

Let me know if they are accepting and I might come and work there too!

I'd love to have you come and work with me.

I've always felt that if you owned the place you can dress anyway you wish.

But if you don't own the place be very careful, like was mentioned earlier. Be cautious about getting involved with co-workers as well, they could have your whole career in their hands.

I wasn't imagining a romantic liaison with Lucy, but I will try to get to know her better - for the rest, I'd better calm down and accept that I will still be in the closet at work (although maybe peeking out of the door occasionally when I can get away with it).

you must find out what is up with this lady first!

no office romance, way to many problems there.

does not matter what any law says. if people there do not like you or what you do, there will be problems.
my job...if not fired on the spot. or problems with "other" drivers, then I would be made to quit.
so tread easy and have fun.

.

Definitely no romance - I'm old enough to be Lucy's mum.

Thanks to all of you offering me words of wisdom, I will cool my ardour for coming out at work.

[Theresa1955]

All have posted some very good advice. IMO, I would proceed with caution. If you really want to dress 24/7, you need to talk to HR in confidence and start taking the necessary steps to change to Rianna at work and officially. Once all the steps are taken have you boss introduce you to your coworkers. If you boss introduces you then that explains to your coworkers that he accepts Rianna and they should.
Just take it slow girl and things will come around.

[Jolene]

Think very carefully about all of this. In my workplace, if many of my coworkers even thought I dressed on my own time, they would make my life a living Hell.

[Jamie001]

Jolene,

Why do you say they would make your life a living hell? What you do on your own time is your own business!! What profession do you work in?

Think very carefully about all of this. In my workplace, if many of my coworkers even thought I dressed on my own time, they would make my life a living Hell.

[Hope]

I know that we have anti-discrimination laws in the UK, but what if my decision makes my co-workers uncomfortable? Should their discomfort prevent me from being myself?

You have anti-discrimination laws BECAUSE it will make some of your co-workers uncomfortable, and provided you can do your gig as well in a skirt as you can in jeans, it shouldn't matter.

There might be very legitimate reasons to not dress in XYZ situation, in the vast majority of situations the discomfort of others is not one of them. Now - if that makes YOU uncomfortable - that is a separate issue.

[Rianna Humble]

I finally got to have the chat to Lucy, as I suspected no romance (relief) she already has a boyfriend.

She did say that some of my co-workers have commented on the fact that I sometimes wear heels and / or stockings under my trousers. Apparently they don't know whether it is OK to broach the issue with me.

I asked her if she felt that I had gone too far with what I had worn up to now, but she felt that I should be free to go further if I feel that is right. In her opinion, what I wear to work should not matter to the business provided it does not stop me from doing my job.

I also asked about our mutual manager (Lucy is very close to her). Apart from commenting to Lucy that she had seen me in heels, T hasn't said anything.

Lucy is at the same level as my immediate line manager D, and did suggest that I should discuss it with him - at least so my colleagues know where they stand.

She has not knowingly met any transgendered people before and so would like to understand more about me and about TG in general.

I have started to explain insofar as I could, and we have agreed that she can ask me anything. I also explained that I was concerned because when I started this job I was in denial, so I never mentioned anything about being TG.

We have sort of left it there at the moment, but now I'm feeling even more confused. I think I should probably raise the subject with D, but I'm not sure that I will be able to answer all of his questions as there are things about me that even I don't know.

As ever, any words of wisdom will be greatly appreciated.