Ear piercing, in retrospect

[sandra-leigh]

A year ago yesterday, after asking some questions in the then- ongoing thread, I went out and got my ears pierced. This is to describe the actual consequences, so that people considering What If would have a better idea of what they would be in for.

Back then (and now) my hair was long enough to cover the bottom of my ears, but not thick enough to cover my ears consistently -- and my hair is light enough that the wind of my walking is enough to move the hair around. That and with my hair moving as I bend my head, leads to the situation that my earrings are not constantly on display, but are also not really hidden.


Work

Two people total at work have commented in any way on my earrings (at least to me). One of them was approximately a month after I got them done, and it was the first time I'd happen to see him since I had them pierced. He was surprised, but only because he knows that I am squeamish and have difficulty with the sight of needles; he mentioned about his own 3 piercings in each ear -- and that was that.

The other person was quite a number of months later, a GG friend I deliberately dressed more obviously femme to work with, and she did indeed ask me about it, saying that she'd noticed the change in my appearance, and wondered if I was transitioning; I talked to her for awhile about it. She was quite accepting. Note that it wasn't the fact that I was wearing earrings: it was style of earrings, style of hair, choice of clothes -- and the bust-line (C-cup forms on me look about like A-cup would on a GG).

There was one day, after 5 or 6 months, when my boss, observing me from the side as I worked, did a definite double-take about my earrings -- but said nothing. If that was the first time he had observed that I had earrings then he was unobservant indeed; more likely is that he was surprised at the style. (I don't recall which ones I was wearing that day, but they certainly were not little studs. I think it was my 2" spiral chrome 12-gauge hole-stretchers.)

No-one at work has commented negatively on any of the earrings I have worn, including not when I have worn hoops that peak out from under my hair, and including not when I have worn by black oblong pearl dangles. If people even notice my earrings, they don't mention them, and they don't deliberately seem to look away from me, or squirm or whatever: it is just an accepted part of me. I originally expected perhaps 5 minutes ribbing at group coffee, but I never got even that.


Home

I talked to my wife on the phone and got her go-ahead before I got my ears pierced, so it was not a surprise to her when she returned.

The original very small hoop-and-ball, and the sapphire studs I went with after that were never any difficulty for her. After that... she fluctuated, depending on the style of earring, how obvious it was, how feminine it was. By week 8, after earlier in the week giving me a frown/ hurt/ confused look about some fairly modest design (this would have been not long after I took out the hoop-and-ball), when she saw the small silver butterflies I'd had converted from dangle to stud, she insisted I try them on right then, in the middle of a lower-middle-class Tim Horton's coffee shop, exclaiming "Oh, so cute!!" and showing them off to her mother. And so it went for the year, with her sometimes seeing my earrings (including distinctly non-male ones) as cute or nice-looking or well-chosen, and her sometimes displeased and disquieted by the earrings.

It took her a fair while to adjust to obvious dangles, especially in public; now she's more likely to tell me that she likes them. It depends partly on context, though: the same earrings that she doesn't mind me wearing in stealth clothes, she might find disconcerting if I'm in a skirt or a dress. Generally speaking, the more big and obvious the earrings are, the more likely she is to feel uncomfortable about them -- though what was "too feminine" even three months ago is now considered perfectly fine for me to wear in public with her now. This last week, I've mostly been wearing blue fired-glass earrings that are about one inch wide and two inches tall with a one-inch drop (and so hang down a total of three inches); she likes the colour, says "Those are nice!", and hasn't given me a "sour face" about them at all.

Thus: even if your wife says Okay to earrings, it will likely take her time to adjust to "feminine" earrings... but the acceptance will not necessarily be at all straight-forward. Don't be surprised if she says or conveys "This far and no farther!" -- and don't be surprised if later "no farther" becomes routine and she herself suggests something that is further. Nor should you be surprised if some of the acceptance is "taken back" for a while. "What will I say if someone asks about them??" certainly might play a role -- and that, in my experience, is mostly countered by time and her seeing that people don't ask.

Oh yeah: be careful about when you first show your wife/SO any new set of earrings, as she might insist in everyone's hearing that you put them on right now


Family

My mother didn't notice my earrings the first day that I visited her at Easter, but she did notice the next day (she was looking at me from an angle as I had my head bent working on the computer.) She exclaimed, and asked me why I got my ears pierced; I said something relatively content free such as "Oh, I just thought I would see how it would look", and she accepted that and didn't say anything more about it. A few days later when we stopped at a mall, she wanted to look at one of the jewelry displays for herself, so I looked too and picked up some pairs in plain sight of her, which wasn't a problem at all. She was more concerned about my acrylic nails, worried about the effect on my health.

End of June, my mother and I were both visiting my sister. I had Told My Sister about my cross-dressing and TG a few days before hand on the phone. My sister said that my mother was starting to ask questions, having noticed my nails and earrings and wondering if it meant something. That conversation lead to me Telling My Mother a couple of days later. (My mother took it quite well, and understood aspects that I certainly did not expect her to understand.)

Thus for my family, it was not the earrings themselves that were important, it was the total package of what I was going through that was important. The earrings were inconsequential compared to the other parts of my life.


Friends

Not a lot to report on this. The same trip to visit my mother, one of my old friends noticed my earrings and nails and asked me if there was something they should know, thus giving me the opening to speak... but I didn't take it, saying something like "Just a bit of self-expression". He's had male earrings (or perhaps only one side) for a long time; the earrings themselves certainly wouldn't have mattered to him. My other friends either didn't notice those things or didn't say anything.

The course of my life has been such that I don't have many friends at all in the city I live in (and have for nearly 2 decades), at least not in the "someone you can call up and hang around with" sense. The people I'm likely to "see around" and do shared activities with, and the staff at various establishments (e.g., stores) that I know well enough to talk personally to, already all knew I was a cross-dresser, so the earrings didn't make any difference to them, other than for them to feel that the earrings improved my appearance and enhanced my feminine side and had helped me become more accepting of myself.


The Earrings

I've worn a fair variety of earrings to work -- studs, 1/2" and 1" hoops, butterflies, silver fairies, hummingbirds, treble-clefs, bars, spirals, pearl dangles.. whatever took my fancy.

The more obvious earrings, such as the 4" copper maple-leaves, I have (so far anyhow) reserved for when I am at least partly obviously dressed up. I have, for example, worn said maple leaves when I have gone out in guy-face, light lipstick, and wearing a dress + jacket combination (with underlying forms enough to create a bust-line.) If you are going to wear a dress without disguising your face and hair, then nice earrings aren't exactly going to be the give-away-clue .

On the other hand, some days (but not at work!) I put in 5" brush-the-shoulder hoops as I go about my business (in my usual stealth clothes). I've gotten some "I don't really approve" looks for those, mostly from the tough guys that hang round in front of one of the downtown malls -- but no remarks, and people elsewhere don't seem to care.

About the only earrings I found do not physically work for me are very small studs: they literally pull through the hole in my lobe. Good thing I discovered that before I invested in any (reasonably affordable) diamond stud. I also decided that traditional white cultured-pearl ball earrings don't suit me aesthetically.

Along the way, I did discover how easy it is to lose or misplace earrings. I was lucky enough to find some of them; others are gone for good. I found that for dangle earrings, it is best to pinch the wire in: the wider the angle of the wire through your ear, the easier it is for it the earring to get caught on something like a hat or scarf and to lift out of your ear -- or simply to work loose and fall off. For hoop-like earrings, I found that if you wear a "continuous hoop" style that is done as a thinner wire that goes through the lobe and then gets inserted into the tube that is the other end of the hoop, that unless the earring has been well designed, it probably will fall off. I also discovered that places sell tiny little pieces of clear plastic that you can put on the end of wire and move up to your lobe after the earring is in your ear: those do help.


The Emotions

Yes, wearing earrings does contribute to my feeling more feminine, more so if they are "drop" earrings, least so for the (unisex) captive-ball small hoops that they put in when they originally did my ears. And yes, I like the feeling.

The sometimes sour faces from my wife were not so much fun, and the explicit "That's too much!" were not Good Times either... but (fortunately!) she's has grown greatly in acceptance over the year.

I feel that taking the step of getting my ears pierced, and of daring to wear non-male earrings openly including at work, has certainly contributed to my self-acceptance as a transgendered person. Conversely, probably two years before that time, I wouldn't have been ready for pierced ears... though if my wife had for some reason specifically said that I should get my ears pierced, I might have gone with it (with some anxiety.) As I got them done in my own time, when I was ready for them, I probably progressed faster than if I'd gotten them to early and then gotten locked into a cycle of being afraid to go too feminine "in case people noticed the change".

I do not at all regret getting my ears pierced; it's been fun, and in some way comforting.