Wish me luck

[Rianna Humble]

In the next few days, I will be taking another step into the future.

I have more or less scheduled a discussion with my team leader to discuss what the fact of me being transgendered means in the context of the team where I work.

Lately, I have been pushing the envelope a bit with my style of dress on the so-called "dress down days" at work. Nothing too OTT, just the occasional cute velvet blouse, tights under my drab trousers and my favourite wedge-heeled shoes and nail polish.

I have also been encouraged very recently by Lucy, another team leader who works for the same manager as me and who feels I should be given more freedom to be me.

According to Lucy, my manager has noticed but seems cool so long as it does not have an adverse effect on the team or my work.

I realise am going to make myself extremely vulnerable in coming out to my team leader, but I don't think I can leave things where they are at the moment.

For one thing, some members of the team have noticed the tights & nails but don't know whether they can ask me about it, so to do nothing would not be a good way forward.

There is no chance of me going 24/7 in the foreseeable future, but I do feel I need to clear the air and - perhaps - get a little more freedom to be me.

Despite this big step, I still intend to take things fairly slowly.

So, I would value your good wishes and any advice you might feel appropriate to give me.

Luv
Rianna

PS, if one of the mods can find a more appropriate board for this thread, I will be happy to see where it gets moved.

[alexis GG]

Can't offer you any advice I'm afraid Rianna, but I wish you all the luck in the world and please keep us updated as to how things go

[sherri52]

Hi Rianna: You'll have to play by ear. It seems your manager is cool with the transition so your job will be to feel out the rest of the team.

[jenna_woods]

good luck, you will have to play it by ear,

[carolinoakland]

if you aren't going 24/7 then what is the transition? you'll still be presenting male? If you're just looking for more room of personal expression that's not transition. Carol

[SuzanneBender]

Good luck dear. It is important to be able to express yourself in a way that is comfortable for you.

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Rianna: You'll have to play by ear. It seems your manager is cool with the transition so your job will be to feel out the rest of the team.

if you aren't going 24/7 then what is the transition? you'll still be presenting male? If you're just looking for more room of personal expression that's not transition. Carol

Just to be quite clear, I am not in a position to be able to consider transition at this stage even though I'm sure that's where I really should be heading.

This means that Carol is correct that I will have to present as male for the majority of the time.

In my opinion, this does not make things easier but harder for me and does not lessen the feeling that I am going to make myself very vulnerable when I speak to my Team Leader.

[Annie D]

Tell Lucy of your plan to talk to your team leader and ask her to be the front person in your approach. Ask her if she would tell your team leader that you plan to talk to him/her about slowly or subtlely changing your work attire to a more feminine presentation and inquiring if it would cause any problems at work with the team. Then she can give you a "heads up" about what you are planning. Then you can take it from there.

Good luck!

[Angie G]

Good luck Rianna I wish you all the best hun.
Angie

[carolinoakland]

and therin lies my concern. From my experience of the time from diagnosis and treatment start when I was presented female at home but not at work. and I started to be more andro at work. Since the attire for men and women is identical no one was able to tell that I was already wearing womens jeans and shoes and underdressing. And my frurstration at not being able to be me built and I got more and more upset about it. I started to resent the time in the old gender. I hated it, I couldnt' wait to get home and change into something right, of course that was after I stopped weeping in the car at not being seen for the woman I now know I am...And I am on your side. I hope I didn't seem like I was jumping on you... Carol

[Nicola2876]

Good luck Riana! I hope it all goes well for you. Lucy sounds cool and it must be good to have someone at work who you can talk to. Let us know how it goes and be proud of yourself xx

[Kate Simmons]

Despite how much we may push the envelope, things do not happen overnight. Is a slow and steady process and requires a lot of endurance and dedication to not only ourselves but also what we believe in. I wish you well in your endeavors my friend.

[Melinda G]

My old girlfriend had a rather crude saying, "You don't shit where you eat".

You might want to keep your dressing and your employment separate. Especially in these days of scarce job opportunities.

[Rianna Humble]

I appreciate the sentiment, Melinda, but I have gone past the point where it is possible to keep work and life separate.

The fact is that it has been noticed at work anyway, so I need to say something if only to prevent the rumour mill running wild. It also has the potential to upset the balance in the team where I work if I say nothing.

The closer it gets (should be tomorrow) the more I feel like my insides are turning to jelly, but also the more convinced I am that this is the only right way forward.

In some ways, life was simpler whilst I was in denial, but I could never return to that existence now. Rianna is real, she is me and I am her it is my other life that is a sham, but I cannot escape it yet.

[Brooke Smith]

My old girlfriend had a rather crude saying, "You don't shit where you eat".

You might want to keep your dressing and your employment separate. Especially in these days of scarce job opportunities.

You're right Melinda,that is a rather crude saying and not really applicable. Rianna isn't playing dress-up here but rather expressing her gender. She said she will eventually transition but at her own pace. She is wise to include her team leader because she doesn't want to be a distraction at work.

Rianna ,I wish you the best of luck. Another reason I'm glad I've been self employed all these years.

[az_azeel]

Good luck Rianna.. see how the talk goes and take it from there... you might want to hold a meeting to explain things to the rest of the team .. just to try and clear the air..especially if they have noticed the few changes..

[Rianna Humble]

In the end, it all went off with a bit of a whimper because my team leader could only spare me 15 min. I settled for that because I could not bear to go another week without getting things into the open.

I could only really give him a brief overview of what I wanted to discuss rather than the in-depth discussion I had hoped for.

He didn't know much about transgender so I had to give him a sort of potted version of an explanation.

He confirmed that he had noticed me wearing tights & women's shoes and also nail varnish and eye shadow on our dress-down Fridays but didn't see any problem with that.

I broached the subject of other team members, but Darren said he is not aware of any of them having a problem with my clothing.

We talked about me going further than I have at the moment, but Darren did not think that it would be wise for me to be fully dressed on a Friday because there are a lot of youngsters in the same office some of whom might have a hostile reaction and he was not sure how that might affect me.

I also asked about our manager's thoughts. Darren said he was sure that she is cool with it, but promised to talk to her for me. He also offered to find out the company's approach for if I want to go further or even to transition.

I explained that circumstances at home do not make transition an immediate possibility although it could be my long term goal.

We have left it that Darren will make sure the team feels able to talk to me if they want to and that I will discuss with him before I make any major move.

He did ask me whether this meant that I am Gay or whether I had a girlfriend. I don't have a gf at the moment but confirmed that I am not Gay, although I did explain that being transgendered has contributed to my shyness over the last 45 years or more.

(By way of explanation here, I am not one of those who feels the need to protest that "I am not Gay" it was merely a response to a direct question. As such I did not feel the need to discuss whether I might be lesbian).

Not as much progress as I would have hoped, but perhaps a positive start. Thank you all for your support.

[carolinoakland]

a good start... carol

[Midnight Skye]

Sounds like things went well Rianna. And I think Darren's advice was very sound. A touch of femininity here and there usually won't set anyone off, they'll just take you as quirky and usually be ok with it. But flipping back and forth between fully dressed as a female and then back to male mode has historically made people very uncomfortable. Primarily because people lose footing on how to address you and what to expect of you.

I'd keep up with what you have, a neutral male attire with a splash of femininity. And in the future when/if you transition to go full over to the female wardrobe.

I'm happy things are going well so far

[az_azeel]

maybe not quite what you expected Rianna but it looks like a possitive start...

[DiannaRose]

Ri, I'm so sorry I missed your original post..I wanted to give you my support before you went in. Please forgive me.

I, too, think this came to a positive conclusion (well, conclusion for now, anyway) I'm thrilled that you'll be able to just be yourself in front of your co-workers. You are at a place where a lot of us would like to be, so you give us hope.

Well done, Ri! I know that was a tough thing to do. You are very strong and very brave!

[PretzelGirl]

Good for you Rianna! Baby steps are what is sometimes needed. Although the day may have not been as fulfilling as you were imagining, you have started the process and have apparent support.

[Tiff Rivera]

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Good luck dear! Wish you the best and I will keep you in my prayers


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[Melinda G]

I want to clear something up, about my comments in this and other posts. I have been accused of not being supportive in the past. I was even called a bitch by one of the less tactful moderators. I am not being judgemental or critical. But I live in the real world, and I see things as they are. Not as we would like them to be. That is why I am not supportive, when I see someone going in a direction, that likely will or could be detrimental to their marriages, or employment, or have major life altering consequences.

[Rianna Humble]

First off, I want to thank everyone who contributed to this thread for your support and advice - even where it was not what I wanted to hear.

Sounds like things went well Rianna. And I think Darren's advice was very sound.

I was so tired, at first I didn't recognise how well things had gone, but you are right Darren gave me good advice.

Ri, I'm so sorry I missed your original post..I wanted to give you my support before you went in. Please forgive me.

There is nothing to forgive Chicklet, I know I can always count on your support

I, too, think this came to a positive conclusion (well, conclusion for now, anyway) I'm thrilled that you'll be able to just be yourself in front of your co-workers. You are at a place where a lot of us would like to be, so you give us hope.

Well done, Ri! I know that was a tough thing to do. You are very strong and very brave!

There will still be boundaries and they will not meet Rianna for now, but if my experience gives others hope then it is worth it. Not so sure about the brave bit - my innards felt like jellied mush all day.

Good for you Rianna! Baby steps are what is sometimes needed. Although the day may have not been as fulfilling as you were imagining, you have started the process and have apparent support.

Thank you Sue for these words of wisdom

I want to clear something up, about my comments in this and other posts. I have been accused of not being supportive.

Melinda, I may not have wanted to hear your advice when I wrote my article, but you demonstrate that you care by being prepared to sound a warning note when you think we might be rushing ahead dangerously.