Just came out to the wife

[JayUK]

I've been interested in girls clothing since before I knew what sex was. I was always slightly jealous at school of the girls wearing pretty (and as we got older, sexy) skirts when all i had to wear was boring grey shorts or long trousers. It fascinated me that they had to straighten the back of the skirt out as they sat down, then sit with their hands in their lap. I used to dream of being able to do the same thing.

Last week we were getting intimate. As is sometimes the fashion of bedroom talk (and we were both a bit drunk) she asked what fantasy I'd love to do right at that moment. Before i knew what I was saying I blurted out that I'd love to be dressed as a woman and treated as such. I then ended up confessing that I have clothes that I've bought hidden away from her that I would wear when she wasn't in the house.

I have no desire to become a woman and (at this stage) no desire to go out dressed up, but I've always dreamed of my wife knowing and accepting this part of my life.

Over the next few days we discussed it at length. As we talked she realised her fears were true, that it wasn't just a 'bedroom thing' and ultimately I wanted to be able to sit around the house dressed up.

There were a lot of tears and through this last week she's told me she's in complete turmoil and she can't sleep. She wants this whole thing to just go away but wisely she knows that it won't. Like most wives/SO's who hear this kind of thing she feels that she doesn't have anyone to talk to.

I'm personally overjoyed that I've told her as it's released this massive secret I've hidden from her for the last 11 years. Only problem is, she's now overweighed with this burden trying to understand something I've had 30 years to come to terms with.

I read all these stories about 'my wife fully supports me and even helps me choose clothes'. For me, that would be a dream come true. The amount of times I've supressed my thoughts that 'That's a pretty dress, I'd love to try that on' when we've been out shopping have been too many to mention.

I know you're supposed to give them time to come to terms with it in situations like this but I'm not sure if she will. And it upsets me to see her like this as I love her dearly.

To make matters worse, the urge to crossdress is at an all-time high as I haven't thought about anything else since we first discussed it last week.

I'm desperate to share this part of my life with her, talk to her openly and finally say what I'm thinking but I fear she may end up resenting me for it and eventually falling out of love with me.

She knows I won't (and can't) stop doing it, it's just all down to whether I include her in this part of my life. I'm praying that she comes around to it as it would literally be a dream come true and I would probably love her even more than I do already.

Alternatively if it goes completely the other way how can anyone possibly be expected to choose between their marriage and their intense urge to wear women's clothes?

[jenna_woods]

good luck to you, I an not sure how I would handel picking between my marriage and dressing, hope it never comes to that.for I know I can't give up dressing,

[lavistaa62]

Lots of people on the board have been able to segregate their dressing from their marriage as a somewhat closeted secret. Is it seeing you that disturbs her or the thought that you are doing it even when she's either not viewing or not aware of it? Compromise is the essence of happiness....

[Karren H]

Sometime sharing a secret like that with puts you SO in a mental prison that is so much worse than physical one... In my humble opinion. My wife felt the same way and has taken a "ignore it" posture. Which I'm happy for... Good luck.

[Lorileah]

I read all these stories about 'my wife fully supports me and even helps me choose clothes'. For me, that would be a dream come true.

I know you're supposed to give them time to come to terms with it in situations like this but I'm not sure if she will. And it upsets me to see her like this as I love her dearly.

To make matters worse, the urge to crossdress is at an all-time high as I haven't thought about anything else since we first discussed it last week.

I'm desperate to share this part of my life with her, talk to her openly and finally say what I'm thinking but I fear she may end up resenting me for it and eventually falling out of love with me.

Whoa, easy Trigger, easy. That's it, deep breath.

One of the cardinal rules in this is take it slow. Back down a bit. Let her assimilate the situation. Allay her fears. Understand that from her side you are not what she was brought up to expect from a partner. You are pumped now. You let out a secret and you are pumped up beyond what you expected. It has been building. No one likes to be bombarded with anything. So for now, back down a bit. Talk to her. Don't demand or push. Let her know that nothing on your side is different just now exposed. You are not any different that the person she enjoyed being with before. It is just a new facet that you wanted to share with her. Let her do some leading here. Maybe ask her to visit this forum and join the GG area where she can get some information from women who have been there,done that.

If you push, you will push her away. So go with the flow for now. If she can work through it in her mind, it will work out. If not then you know now that it wasn't what you thought it was. You then can make your decision to give it up or move on.

Your story isn't much different than mine was. I would whisper how I wanted to dress and act and be during "love making" she would giggle and tell me I was silly and then I would let it go only to find that she helped me buy my first heels, let me have skirts and dresses she no longer wanted, told me to wear pantyhose when I shoveled the walk or went skiing, gave me make-up she found didn't work for her, and told me my name should be Monique instead of Lori. I let her do it at her own pace. It worked for me.

[aggi123]

Jay, I'm sorry for your turmoil. I definitely agree that the best thing to do right now is to try to just turn that switch off for now and be patient with her. Maybe ask her to come to this forum?

[carolinoakland]

people choose to hide for many reasons, some good, some not so good. So, respect her boundries, do NOT push her limits or comfort zone. Let her come to you with questions. read the threads about coming out ( I know a little late for the telling, but you might find something that will help with the understanding part.) And it's good that A.) you recognize that part of her stuggle is that she is with out her usual support system of girl friends and family memebers. And that you have to keep that feeling of being free in check so that you don't suddenly go overboard and startd dressing all the time, and 'accidentally' let her see you. Don't. And realize that for her the single biggest issue is... The lie. How long did you keep this from her she's thinking,and how does she trust you now? So, slowly and respectfully. Carol

[nodaybuttoday]

Give her time, she has a lot to take in. When a wife finds out this kind of secret that has been hidden for many years, it's hard to take it all in. She is probably feeling confused, maybe even betrayed and lost. She definitely will need the time to think through this and take it all in. It's a lot to take in when you've been married to someone so long and think you knew everything about them.

She won't accept your CDing immediately and many GGs on here can tell you that for the most part, they didn't accept their SO's CDing immediately. It has taken me a few months and I am not even married to him. I was lucky to have found out within a year and a half of our relationship, I don't know how I would respond finding out 10 years later. It may take weeks, months, or even years, but if you love each other and you want to make it work, you can get through this together. Now is the time to be 100% open and honest, no more lying. She needs to know everything, she needs to know exactly what she's getting into. If you would EVER consider getting surgery or hormones, she needs to know, if you want to go out in public or anything of that sort, she needs to know. Get everything out on the table but also help her understand where you are coming from and educate her. Send her here and have her join the FAB forums, they are a lifesaver for someone who needs people to talk to. We totally understand what she is going through and I can tell you, those gals have helped me through a lot. Good luck and be positive, love always finds a way.

[Katesback]

Last Christmas I went home to Michigan for two weeks. It was the first time I have been home in three years and also the first time I was home as the person I am today. I went and visited some old friends and it was awesome, however I did realize something that I had not thought about. I am not the person they knew. They might have been nice and all but thier brains are programed for someone that does not exist anymore.

What I am getting at is the same thing happens with wives. They marry a man and have a program in thier mind that does not include a hobby being a cd. The point I am making is that for many it is wise to separate the CD stuff from your marriage. Perhaps do the CD talking in venues like this or with other CD friends. The fact is that for most wives they are not interesed in being part of the CD stuff just as if you might not be interested in some of the things she does.

Is it hard? Well perhaps but the fact is that people are what they are and most people are resistant to change!

Katie

[JayUK]

Thanks for all your responses. I read them all several times.

We had a pretty good chat last night and she didn't cry. She also looks a lot more refreshed this morning, although that could be coz she's got a day off work due to the snow

I think she's realising that talking about it is helping rather than hindering.

I also think she's out of the denial stage and coming into the acceptance stage. She's coming around to the fact that the elephant is there to stay.

Certainly nowhere near the embracing part but I the atmosphere has definitely lifted a little.

There was one thing she mentioned that I read yesterday that she's concerned her 'rugged' man won't be there any more and I'm going to have to do feminine things like keep my legs closed when i'm sat rather than sprawling out like i normally do. I couldn't remember for the life of me where I read about it, but it was cracking advice!

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Jay

I know you blurted it out so she knows but I would suggest you read the link in my signature on "how to tell your partner"

This has lots of good information on the questions she will likely ask as things move forward

Like the others have said go slow and take things along at her speed

[Tracey Corset]

Lots of good advice above Jay, as has been said, ask her if she would like to join this forum, she would get tons of advice from the other GGs, i know now that it's out all you want to do is dress but try to resist untill she feels more secure, take it slow it will pay off in the long run

[Joanne f]

It is always a difficult situation fore both to deal with and i am sure that you are worried if you have done the right thing by telling your wife as much as your wife will now have all the worries and concerns of the "what if " questions that she will be asking herself and no doubt will be asking you very soon , so just let her deal with this in her time but also be careful of who your wife turns to for advice .
I am sure you must know that there is a forum for wife's , SOs and GGs which they can chat with others in the same situation and it would be worthwhile for you to mention this to your wife .

[JayUK]

I've read the post on how to tell your partner. Unfortunately it was after I told her but it's still very informative.

I even looked through the geocities links, there's a good page where it asks a load of SO's the same questions. A great mix of opinions there (have to go through archive.org seeing as Geocities has now closed down):

http://web.archive.org/web/200411050...d/wife_say.htm

Good for anyone else who wants to understand what their partner is having to go through.

I recommended she have a look through the forums and even put down a post or two. She's not really entertaining that idea. I think she just prefers reading other people's posts. Still, baby steps at the moment.

I have a bad tendency to rush into things but I'm determined I'm doing this at her pace for once.

[JayUK]

I asked her last night if she minded if I shaved my legs. At first she was silent and defensive, but I was wise enough to tell her 'No, it's far too soon, I'm sorry, I promise I won't mention it again'.

Later in the evening she said 'You know, if you want to shave your legs you can'.

I love my wife, she's been totally brilliant about this whole thing so far. And it's been a hell of a lot to take in. But she's been reading loads about it. She hasn't ignored it and she hasn't dismissed it. I really couldn't ask for more.

[JulieC]

I asked her last night if she minded if I shaved my legs. At first she was silent and defensive, but I was wise enough to tell her 'No, it's far too soon, I'm sorry, I promise I won't mention it again'.

Later in the evening she said 'You know, if you want to shave your legs you can'.

I love my wife, she's been totally brilliant about this whole thing so far. And it's been a hell of a lot to take in. But she's been reading loads about it. She hasn't ignored it and she hasn't dismissed it. I really couldn't ask for more.

No, you couldn't. I'd wait on shaving your legs. Six months from now, your legs will be just as shaved whether you shave them today through then or five months from now through then.

Remember always that you've had your whole life to come to terms with this. Your wife has had but a few days. Patience, grasshopper

It isn't enough that your wife is being so wonderful through this. You have to walk together in this, and keep those lines of communication completely open. Don't say things like "I won't mention it again" as you're slamming doors in her face.

Be completely open. No closed doors now. Empower her; make sure she understands she is 100% involved in you and you welcome that. No sense of control should be exerted by either of you towards the other. Instead, the sense of control should be from the two of you together. Figure out what works for both of you together. Figure out what the balance is. Find your equilibrium together. Allow for it to be flexible, so it can change with time.

And for <deity> sake buy the woman some flowers, take her out for a shopping spree, take her to dinner at her favorite restaurant, something...or MANythings...make sure she knows just how much you love and appreciate her.

[Vicki65]

Jay, well done so far. There's so many here better qualified than I to advise you. All I would say is take things slowly, at her pace. Dont force the issue, but dont hide from it either. When she wants to talk about it, talk and be honest. When she doesn't want to talk, dont.

I 'came out' to my wife a few years back now (I think) and it wasn't a pretty sight (like me! ) but following lots of talking, lots of tears, lots of hugs, we're at a much better place than I ever thought possible.

I dont dress around her, but thats fine by me, and is at least partly my choice because I make a pretty cr@p looking woman. She has said she probably would like to see me dressed sometime, and I said I'd rather she didn't yet.

I'm still her man, and I still do 'sprawl' on the couch etc. What did make her think was when I said I've been a crossdresser as long as I can remember (30 years plus), and she's only KNOWN for two years. I am the same person I've always been, I didn't magically change when I told her. We talk about it when shopping ('Do you like this skirt? These boots? etc) and we laugh about it etc. Its 'the norm'. She loves me clothes shopping with her too! I dont get bored of it like most blokes, I have a really good eye for what looks good on her, and I'm forever buying her clothes! (In fact, whilst I type, there are some 'just over the knee' suede boots I brought home from New Look tonight on the couch for her). Hopefully, your wife will grow to love the fact that you're in touch with your feminine side too.

Good luck!

[Stephanie Miller]

Good Lord Jay.... I know "slow" is a relative term but I think you need to re-evaluate your own definition of it.
Let's see, it was 1/12 that you came on board with your first post. It wasn't 20 minutes later that .....
Lorileah came back with the first "take it slow" Minutes after that Aggi stated "turn that switch off".
NoDay "Give her time".
Then 48 hours later... " I asked her last night if she minded if I shaved my legs."
I guess the question here really is what size 2x4 do you need to come up along-side that thick skull of yours?
At this pace by next month you're going to ask her to accompany you to the nearest SRS doctor.
And you wonder why she's scared?
Follow your own advice " but I'm determined I'm doing this at her pace for once. "

[gemsay32]

I had this image in my head of someone struggling to keep their skirt down.

No! Bad skirt!

[NicoleScott]

Jay U Knucklehead. As Stephanie said, you got lots of advice to slow down, and you pushed on.
My wife knows and accepts, but doesn't participate. It would be nice iif she would, but she has no interest. So I dress alone - sometimes she knows and sometimes she doesn't. I accept (and am very grateful for) this level of acceptance. It works for us both.
In your original post you seemed to place a great deal of importance on sharing your crossdressing experiences with her, dressing at home in front of her, etc. You even said you were desperate to do so. This seems to be too much for her. Just accepting that you crossdress is difficult for her, but participating seems to be too much.
I'd be careful about thinking "it's too soon", as that implies that you expect her to come around eventually, which she may not.
I am happy to take what I can get (my wife's level of acceptance). Wanting more than she can give you may be a deal-breaker, and the marriage may not survive if you must have it that way.

[JayUK]

We made love on Saturday night with me fully dressed up. A lot of alcohol helped on both parts. It got the elephant firmly shifted from the room and what she's imagining wasn't as bad as what I looked like.

I can honestly say it was the best sex I've ever had in my life. She wasn't embarrassed or ashamed and she didn't find it awkward. Even in the morning it was all fine and she keeps calling me girls names a la Scrubs just to take the piss, but in a light, jokey way.

But we're now firmly past the uncomfortable stage. Not quite ready for the sitting around watching telly stage yet, but I'm as happy as larry.

Never in my wildest dreams thought it would ever get this far so quickly. We're now discussing the practicalities of what I would be wearing around the house. Short skirts look nice enough but aren't the warmest of clothing in the middle of January.

It's great that I can finally discuss this with her after 12 years of repression. She was going to buy me some tights (pantyhose) yesterday but admitted that she had a moment of clarity as to exactly what she was doing. But she then reassured me that she will come around to it, just give her a bit of time...

I'm in love all over again.

[EnglishRose]

Sometimes the uncomfortable stage doesn't fully go away. When I am in a dressing mood (I can dress around her every evening for a week or so, and this happens about once a month) I will get dressed after our toddler son has gone to bed, and wear a nightie to bed. It's drab during the day.

However in the past she's told me that some of my nicer things make her feel a little jealous (I usually dress conservatively but occasionally not so much), and I didn't know she felt that way before. Also, my dressing is a bit of a turn off for her, so (and this is not a problem) we have completely separated my dressing and our sex life.

Even though you perceive how well things are going, please please don't assume that you can accelerate at will.

My wife's attitude is basically that she's fine with my dressing, I can do it whenever I need to, but I always get the impression that it's not her favorite thing, which why should it.

[KristinSkye]

First off as someone else who recently came out to their wife congratulations for finally doing it. And from the sound of it it seems that things are very quickly going in a positive direction

My advice: continue to listen to the advice of the awesome people on this board who have been through it before. Their advice has really helped me.

[DonnaT]

We made love on Saturday night with me fully dressed up. A lot of alcohol helped on both parts.

Who brought the idea up?

If your wife did, then that's cool. Let her work things out at her own pace.

Try it without the alcohol next time she offers, however.

Note that even if one's SO does set the pace, things can go wonkers on you where she'll decide it's not for her. Especially if it's too much too soon. Even if she is setting the pace.

So you may want to think about slowing down a bit, and talking more about her feelings, before proceeding with further dress-ups.

[JulieC]

It's great that I can finally discuss this with her after 12 years of repression. She was going to buy me some tights (pantyhose) yesterday but admitted that she had a moment of clarity as to exactly what she was doing. But she then reassured me that she will come around to it, just give her a bit of time...

I have to agree with DonnaT above.

Don't assume that everything's going to keep going smoothly. Don't assume that just because your wife has gone past one hurdle that the hurdle is in the past. She can just as well (and LEGITIMATELY!) hop right back over to the unaccepting of 'X" thing side.

For example, don't presume that since you've made love with your wife while dressed en femme, that she will be always accepting of it. Sometimes she might be in the mood, sometimes not. Don't push.

This effort on both of your parts does not subscribe to logical paradigms. It works on its own terms, its own sense of common sense. Make sure you are always walking WITH your wife, and keep those lines of communication WIDE open. Make sure that she has a voice, even when her opinions do not agree with yours.