Self-Acceptance Comes in Cycles

[meri]

I discovered that I had a significant feminine side to my personality a couple of years ago. During this period, I have gone from complete and utter confusion to complete acceptance of who I seem to be.

Once I reached full acceptance of myself I was very happy, calm and felt like one of the most guarded secrets of the universe had been revealed to me. I basked in feminine energy and knew that everyone actually had this capacity.

Then, my mind goes to work and does it best to tear all of this down and restore me to some sort of previous sanity -- before realization of the feminine "me".

My mind is pretty good at writing all of my "feminine interest" off as simply a male with an unusually strong sex drive. Combine that with a non-typical means of expression, that is rather than going out there and finding the woman of my dreams, I attempt "to be" the woman of my dreams. I do like acting and being on stage, so this is a plausible explanation for me.

I then get comfortable in this sobering, apparent truth for a while. Then the old pink fog sets in and starts the process of dragging me back into suffering so I can "learn" once again that I actually do have a feminine side to my personality and that it is very real. After writhing around in pain and suffering for a while, my mind capitulates and agrees that I do in fact have a strong feminine side and interest and that it's OK.

If viewed as a sin-wave (that's my guy talking), the amplitude (height of the trough and peak) is getting less and less and I am tending toward the middle which is where real peace may lie. So, perhaps a few more cycles and I will finally reach a place where I don't have to ask myself whether or not this is real anymore!

Does anyone else cycle this way? Does it resolve one way or another for all time, that is, can I look forward to not having to rediscover myself over and over again?

[msniki48]

Yes there is an ebb and flow to our femme side, after all we went through many years of unconciously concealing it. it is fighting many years and layers just to get out. i'm sure you and I can always justify, one way or the other,[ we are femme, we are not] because even the scientists of the day don't have it pin pointed.

When I found out i was TG, I was filled with relief to know i wasn't some devient... i dressed more and more to learn about niki by spending time there.
then Family got in the way and intevention occurred and i questioned 7 yrs of therapy. then i purged... i am re-kindling niki now, which is why i am here.

my therapist said you will be what you are...right now you need to be vince....fine. but niki will be there when you need her.

i pray the highs and lows will eventually calm as you have described

May you find center

hugs

msniki48

[SuzanneBender]

Then, my mind goes to work and does it best to tear all of this down and restore me to some sort of previous sanity -- before realization of the feminine "me".

..... After writhing around in pain and suffering for a while, my mind capitulates and agrees that I do in fact have a strong feminine side and interest and that it's OK.ycles and I will finally reach a place where I don't have to ask myself whether or not this is real anymore!

The peace for some lies in the middle and for others lies in the peaks and valleys of the wave.

Why is the male side sanity. I look at it as only adhearing to an old and outdated cultural norm. Who says being femme for you is not sanity? It sounds like that is where you are at your happiest.

For me it has not been peaks and valleys. It has been a constant and gradual progression. Sometimes steeper than other parts of the progression, but a progression no the less.

I hope you find that happy point in the wave and can stay there. Hugs!

[Wen4cd]

Yes!

My emotional memory is what it is, and there is an apparent cycle. Well, there are a lot of cycles, and sometimes they come into alignment for one thing or another. You hear people saying how their 'stars' are in alignment, it's something like that.

My personal archetypes tend to alternate between abstract concepts ("my femine side") and direct relation ("omg I'm finally me again, relief!!!")

Honestly, I'm in the market for (as in: working with a therapist to develop) spiritual rituals and meditative tools to try to get some little aspect of control over it, and an anchor on a center, because I particularly don't like the random winds dictating how I feel at any given moment.

I think I am going to have to subject myself somewhat to these cycles though, it might just be the way it is. Cycles are ok though, I can at least say 'well, it's that time right now" and be assured it will pick back up, I'd just like ways of helping it along.

[Miranda09]

Yep...I go thru those peaks and valleys, and it seems lately, they've been getting more frequent. But I'm sure it'll all balance out in the end. In the meantime, I'll just enjoy the ride!

[carolinoakland]

Yep. although I preferred the pendulum description myself to describe the back and forth. And learning through acceptance that I could lessen the severity of that swing... It's normal...carol

[meri]

Thanks for your replies, I was beginning to think no one noticed this little article.

Sometimes my escape from the cycle is realization that there is a cycle and I can stand back in a sense and realize that my mind is working all this out. When I get to that point it's as if I lift myself entirely out of the argument and watch it unfold from a different perspective.

It's also true that I spent too much time thinking about this stuff and would be much better off simply "being" and following my interests whereever they lead me.

I can't escape the conclusion that since several of you are experiencing the same kind of cycling, this makes me an official member of the "club". Not really sure which club yet, but have found a place among my peers and it's an appropriate place to work through and discuss these kind of issues.

Thanks!

[Angie G]

I never did that. My Feminine side was always pretty much there and I just went with it.I'm a man when I have to be. But I much prefer being girlie.
Angie

[Sally2005]

There are several cycles. I'm finding since I have accepted myself as I am and after doing the things I was scared of the cycles are still there, but as you say the amplitude is less. In a way, I feel like a capacitor now instead of a fuse. I can charge up on all the different waves and be happy with the average result.

[Chrissy8888]

I HAVE been where you have in the past. When I was about 11 I had the curiosity of what it would be like to have a bra on so one day when my mom was gone I went into her bedroom and tried one of hers on. At first it didn’t seem to have any effect on me except to pay close attention to the Playtex 18 hour bra commercials. I don’t think I did anything else for about a year. Then it was a bra, panties, panty hose and a slip. I felt quite ashamed for a while but kept doing it. Step forward about 8 years… I was not 21 in a good career and had money. So I started to purchase my own clothing. I got a few items but when I wore them I felt very ashamed like I was doing something wrong because I was less of a man. So one day I threw everything in the trash but the desires didn’t go away. I’d say 4 months later I acquired more clothing but before I did I had a long talk with myself and decided that it was just part of who I am. Just as I am an avid Mt. Biker, family person and what not. After I did this I became comfortable with myself. Now I do feel awkward when I push a new boundary but I also realize that I am not the first man to ever do this. Biggest thing is to realize that you can’t go through life hating who you are.

[Andy66]

This is very cool, Meri. I started noticing cycles in my life when I was in my early twenties. It wasn't really gender related, so much as mood related in general. It does take a conscious effort to level them out, but it's nicer (IMO) when things are more calm and level. You're sharp and on the right track.

[meri]

Anne and others, thanks for your comments and observations.

My ultimate goal is to gain control over my life, my emotions and my urges. When I recognize patterns and "cycles" as I have discussed here, it allows me to step to one side and observe it dispassionately. The more I understand these things, the easier it is to stand to side and pull myself right out of the cycle altogether. I am having some success with that and frankly, having an outlet and an opportunity to write about it helps me as well.

This doesn't mean I wish to stop dressing, rather, it means I want to do dress when I feel like it as opposed to having a pink fog envelope me to the extent my only comfort is to dress. I want control of the process, i don't want it to control me!

How many of us here are dragged into this kicking and screaming. How many have said to our wives "this is who I am"? How many of us feel completely out of control? Who hasn't considered taking hormones just to grow boobs without giving enough thought to the other consequences?

I know I have.

I believe there is a way to gain control, so far, the "stepping aside and watching my mind work" is the most promising. Anyone else have any ideas?

[Terrigirl]

I go through cycles all the time. For the most part my manly side takes over and tries to crush the fem side. It is a difficult battle living between genders and it is hard to find balance.

[Dee2U]

Hi girls. Dee here. I'm new but i hope you dont mind me butting in. The cycle of being feminine in how I live within the world and trying to achieve femininity inside does not go through cycles with me. That is what I am and what I want to achieve. What cycles for me is the dressing aspects and my attitude towards it and how I feel about myself. It may be my middle age but I struggle with a body that cannot be as feminine as I would like and as I imagine I would like to be and that too affects the dressing aspects. I hope i have understood this thread and am not off topic....Dee

[Hali]

Yes i agree Self-Acceptance Comes in Cycles. It has been a turbulent almost "self hate" stages in my life. One minute am a guy, proud and getting all the girls into my web, the next day i feel like going-out with the girls for girls-night-out and act girly and make men whistle and admire and comment on how i look not that i want sex from them but their attention confirm my femininity in my little brain, then after coming back home its start to take its toll.

I had to slow down and think about my "yo-yo" life and try to be in the "middle"...........yup! in the middle i am now, and happy about it. Thanks to this forum.

[lavistaa62]

Not only do the feelings and the need to release them ebb and flow so does my perception of my physical appearance. I'm often disgusted by myself and the need to both improve my male appearance and how I present when dressed.

[Erica2Sweet]

...For me it has not been peaks and valleys. It has been a constant and gradual progression. Sometimes steeper than other parts of the progression, but a progression no the less...

I can identify with this.

The only peaks and valleys I can recall in my experiences were the times when crossdressing sounded more or less appealing at any given time, depending on what else I had going on in my life at that moment. I can't say I could ever apply the peaks and valleys concept to how emotionally healthy I felt or to how I feel now.

Self-acceptance came for me as a gradual progression as opposed to cycles of conflicting internal feelings. I recall that process as being very linear. I remember that once I began to really accept and understand what/who I am, I was then able to start applying my new-found understanding to my life. I immediately began clearing unnecessary baggage and conquering fears that kept me from being emotionally healthy and happy, one hurdle at a time. It has very much been a domino effect.

[Sewing_Sophie]

There are definite cycles for me, both in terms of my internal gender concept and in terms of self-acceptance. I found that a week or so after I had my crisis in which I chose the name Sophie and made my first tentative cross-dressing steps, a lot of the femme feelings faded quickly - and I was left with an improved male self with better dress sense, personal grooming habits, etc. However, that decayed back to its previous drab self, and I was left wondering where Sophie went. She came back...

There are cycles within cycles within cycles with this, things change from month to month, from week to week, from day to evening, from minute to minute even. I guess for me, the goal, the grail, is to find a way of letting my own internal sense of gender roll around freely, without me consciously having to worry about it, all while looking good (funny, I never used to be concerned about my appearance) and not freaking people out.

[Scotty]

Does anyone else cycle this way? Does it resolve one way or another for all time, that is, can I look forward to not having to rediscover myself over and over again?

Yes, I seemingly go through it about once a week, for a few minutes.

Sometimes I'll be putting a bra on or something and see myself in a mirror.

It gets better over time, you have to accept who you are, and change what you can and be wise enough to realize some things cannot change - whether you change the inside or ou t side you still know - and unless you do a 100% transition and do it early enough where you can look ack and say "I remember being in a male body"..


That will never happen for me, so occasionally I see my male side and my breasts and the feminizaiton and ask myself "WTF?"....

And then I go back to doing what I was doing...it used to last days, now it's seconds...