Fear and Loathing

[Jari]

Hi,

I have to admit, I live in fear of being discovered as a crossdresser by friends and colleagues.....to me it is a kind of doomsday scenario - to somehow by some small mistake or quirk of chance be found out.

Most of the time I can put this to the back of my mind and not let it worry me but every now and then the fear comes upon me. I know I shouldn't worry about it so much. But to me it would be like being cut adrift. I mean Im sure I would cope in the long run but imagining the embarrasment, the whisperings - knowing people knew and were laughing. It fills me with fear.

maybe I need to make some major changes to my life and how I evaluate it so that im not beholden to this fear - but I am afraid to do that also.

Anyways wondered if sharing this here might help me get some ideas and guidance......thanks for reading

J

[2B Natasha]

Fear is natural. It's part of our DNA. It's what drives and allows are fight or flight instinct to work.

Loathing is not natural. It's not healthy. It drives mo part of our being except doubt, rejection and non acceptence.

I would not fear your " secret " geting out. While today it seems that your world would crash and the lifeboat with one soul will be it are strong. Many here, including myself, have found that this just simple isn't the case. The vast majority of people either don't care or intriged. Those that care and reject are a sad loss sometimes. Most of these souls will begin to accept over time.

Believing that one little thing will " out " you is just not true. People only see what they want to see or what they are trained to see.

Nobody can give you self worth unless you let them Only you can give yourself worth. Don't fear yourself.

[StaceyJane]

While you might lose some friends you would probably be surprised who supports you.
I was so touched by how much my daughters support me.

[Kerigirl2009]

I guess I have the fear of being outed, however my views on this are I will get over it, they may not , but I will.
I fear more for my families sake than my own.
I think that I can deal with losing my friends but I would feel terrible if my family was to lose their friend because of me.

[Karren H]

At the time it was not fun but looking back on it 3 years out it wasn't too bad... Yeah lot of crying and screaming and carrying one... She was pretty upset too... But life goes on.. Once you've been discovered once the second time probably won't be worse? And as you get older you get that "who gives a shit" attitude.. Which has served me well so far...

[Ruth]

I have the problem that my wife lives in fear of me being discovered by friends and relations. I am OK with my CDing being known but my wife is not. Out of respect for her feelings I remain known to very few trusted friends.
I think maybe the fear is connected with shame. I am not ashamed of myself so have nothing to fear in being known.

[sherri52]

Hi Jari: We will always have some sort of fear. I am out to almost everyone I know but there are still a few I wouldn't think of coming out to. I don't want them to know and would probably lose thier friendship which I cherish. Other friends know and thier is always the chance of being outed by them. That is the fear I live with.

[minalost]

At the time it was not fun but looking back on it 3 years out it wasn't too bad... Yeah lot of crying and screaming and carrying one... She was pretty upset too... But life goes on.. Once you've been discovered once the second time probably won't be worse? And as you get older you get that "who gives a shit" attitude.. Which has served me well so far...

I have the problem that my wife lives in fear of me being discovered by friends and relations. I am OK with my CDing being known but my wife is not. Out of respect for her feelings I remain known to very few trusted friends.
I think maybe the fear is connected with shame. I am not ashamed of myself so have nothing to fear in being known.

I'm kind of stuck between what Ruth and Karren said. The person I was most worried about finding out is my wife. Once that happened we (mostly) got past it. Now my wife is more worried about me getting outed than I am, so I follow her rules about crossdressing for the same reasons Ruth listed.

[Stephenie S]

The fear is only in your head.


Contrary to what the majority of you seem to think, the general population is well aware of guys who like to put on a dress now and then. And guess what? They don't give a d*amn. Get over yourself. You're just not that important. The world will not stop spinning if others find out.

The FACT is that how others perceive you will depend FAR more on what kind of person you are otherwise. Are you a good person? Do you go to work, support your family, pay your taxes, love your wife and kids, go to church on Sunday, enjoy your friends company with respect and acceptance? Others will accept you too.

I know this is heresy, and I also know that it's impossible to persuade you otherwise, but it happens to be true. If just one of you says, "Hmm, maybe Stephenie's right. Maybe I am too obsessed with this guilt stuff", this post will be worth it.

Crossdressing, if that's what you are, is only a small part of your life. Who and what you are in the rest of your life is what will determine what others think of you. If you are a smarmy creep in your daily life people will say, "Look, I told you so. He's a pervert."

But if you are a good and honest person, 99.9% of the world will not care one little whit what you wear in your spare time.

Lovies,
Stephenie

[Rianna Humble]

Believing that one little thing will " out " you is just not true. People only see what they want to see or what they are trained to see.

I have experienced that today. A GG who is one of my 3 true friends came to visit. I was wearing my deep coral polish on fingers and toes and neither was covered up, yet she did not see anything (she is too open to hide a reaction if she had seen).

Hi Jari: We will always have some sort of fear.

Mine is to do with being outed in my home town before I am ready. It could have a disastrous consequence for several people about whom I care - not to mention my 88 year old father - but I don't let that disable me, I just have to be very careful in daylight in my town.

Initially, I was afraid of my work colleagues finding out, but it seems that they are all OK with it providing I don't go "too far". I'm not sure yet what they would consider too far.

I am out to almost everyone I know but there are still a few I wouldn't think of coming out to. I don't want them to know and would probably lose their friendship which I cherish.

I can understand this fear, but have come to the conclusion that if I would lose someone's friendship because of who I am, then they were probably not true friends to start with.

I have to admit, I live in fear of being discovered as a crossdresser by friends and colleagues.....to me it is a kind of doomsday scenario - to somehow by some small mistake or quirk of chance be found out.
{...}
I'm sure I would cope in the long run but imagining the embarrassment, the whisperings - knowing people knew and were laughing. It fills me with fear.

I used to live in fear of people whispering and laughing, but I have to live my life rather than the one that intolerant people want me to live. Luckily for me, I have been encouraged by a number of GGs to look on people who mock as immature and to pity their inadequacies rather than to let them ruin my life.

Some of the encouragement came from someone at work who I don't know very well and before I declared myself, so you could well be surprised who would be willing to support you if they knew.

[Sandra]

I think that I can deal with losing my friends but I would feel terrible if my family was to lose their friend because of me.

True friends would still be your friends.

We found this out when we told everyone about Nigella, only one couple who were our witnesses at our wedding, don't bother with us any more, their loss not ours.

[belindat]

I could care less about who knows. True freinds will support you regardless. I'm in a small country town that is very conservative but my outing would be their worry.
My fear is that I will embarrass my wife and family. With elderly parents it's simply not worth the trouble to expose them to the truama.

[Crysten]

I think (just my opinion) that some wives are fearful of their husbands coming out because they fear how THEY will be percieved. "OOO there's the lady who's married to the fruit".

In some ways this is totally understandable. We worry about our friends - and they worry about theirs. It is frustrating though. We're ready to set forth on the journey - and they put the brakes on for us. Maybe that's a good thing sometimes, maybe not.

[Kate Simmons]

Why worry about it Hon?People aren't as dumb as we think. They can put two and two together. The whispers happen regardless of what is said openly. Some people do it just to find out where our "goat" is tied.

[melissacd]

Jan,

I remember feeling that way too back in 2004. Through dialog with others and taking small steps in the direction that I knew I had to take I have gotten well past any negative feelings about being a cross dresser or being discovered. I accept this as a very important part of what defines me. That acceptance removes, over time, any negative feelings I may have once had and in turn bring great joy and peace in my life now.

Things are almost always worse in the imagineerings of our mind than they are in actual life.

Melissa Paige

[kimdl93]

I felt that way once...but not so much any more. My wife is aware and supportive of my dressing, but no other family or friends are (or admit that they know). I under dress when I'm in public, but I'm not too concerned about someone getting the glimpse of a stocking covered ankle or painted toenails even when I'm wearing moderately high heeled sandals. (paraphrasing the line in Shawshank Redemption - how often do you really look at a man's feet)