Should feel ecstatic, but i'm blue

[CLARRISA]

Thats how i feel "blue", i should be elated, i've ticked so many boxes now. Been out shopping as Clarrisa yesterday and today, have no problems regards going about my business...go into changing rooms with no struggle..i've overcome so many fears...today after shopping i even stopped at a Costa Coffee, sat down, drank and watched the world go by.It felt totally natural....why "sad"? it isn't just the fact that its back to work as usual tommorrow thus back to drab...its because its hit home to me that i should have been doing this 15 years ago..yet fear, circumstances (living with parents), crap job, prevented me...i turned 40 last weekend....I'm practically living as a women, part time,been single for ages, but i have other lives..my guitar and band practice...the job.plus i finally have a date with a GG soon....i feel sad because, i think i realy wish this wasn't just "part time", i wish i was a girl full time..i wish i could somehow go back 10 years and tell myself to transistion. I think i allways knew, but i just thought it was impossible for me to do it, to fund it...to come out to family...to give up looking for the "dream - girl" to spend my life with....Perhaps this is what its like when the "Pink fogs'" at its densest. For all the joy and happiness i get to express this femme side, almost at any time i like...theres a flip side...the depression of knowing that i'm "not that Girl"....and that Loud yearning inside thats screaming "I WANT TO BE A WOMAN"....

Am wondering how others like me are feeling and coping with this, maybe at the tip of transistioning, but holding back because of all the up hieval it could cause...impact on relationships, finances...etc..

Clarrisa x

[windycissy]

Welcome to the club, sister! You're in good company, including all of us here on the forum who know what you're going through...chin up, you've got a lot of good years ahead of you, so don't beat yourself up about what might have been ten years ago, carpe diem! Live for those moments when you can express your femininity, and be thankful that you're able to make it as a woman in the real world, that alone makes you more fortunate than most...

[DiannaRose]

<= for Clarissa

Sweetie, I know what you mean...so many of us do, you know. Coming down off the "girl" time, back to drab.

Chin up, sister! You'll have more opportunities soon, I'm sure. Don't regret the past...you can't change it, and weeping over it won't change that. Listen to Cissy...sieze the day today, tomorrow, every chance you get. Enjoy the time you have, whether it be an hour or a week. Underdress if you can...I do, and it helps me get through until the next Dianna day. And always remember that no one can change the girl inside, no matter how she's dressed on the outside.

If you need a sympathetic private ear, Message me. I'm here.

[girlalex]

Im actually in a similar boat as you were. deep down i believe that im not just a cd but probably trans, however i don't have the funds to confirm that with a gender therapists nor the nerves to tell my mom that im not exactly the boy she thinks i am. i've been experiencing mood swings for the past few months and recently realized that it was the coming and going of the pink fog. so what do i do to deal with this. well im on this web site on and off to see how other people feel in my situation. all in all i've been feeling like a girl wheather im dressed or not so dressing only enhances my feminine side and thats how i deal with this. i just accept who i am from the inside.

[Roxi Loh]

I think this is one of the more interesting threads because it shows real emotions that I share as well. Its like everytime we push the envelope its a breakthrough and we wonder why we waited so long. However, it never made me "blue" it made me resolve to push it a little farther (within reason). Every time I push it I have an adrenaline rush and dont come down for a while.
Two Cents...

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Clarissa,

If you think you've wasted time, I was 53 by the time I stopped fighting my true nature; but one thing it taught me - it's never too late to do the right thing!

Am I sad about the wasted years? Most definitely. Would I do it differently if I could start all over again? Most definitely. Can I change what is past? Not at all

Like Cissy says, don't dwell on past mistakes, but rather enjoy the times that you can express your femininity.

You are definitely not alone, I'm sure that there are many like us who are held back by current circumstances from being able to fulfil our dream of transition.

For me, the trick is in seizing any little progress I can manage and looking forward to the day that things will change.

You have a date with a GG soon - try to be honest with her and see if she might become an ally. If she won't accept your transgender, then she isn't right for you, but if she does, then you will have found yourself a true gem.

Finally remember that blue is for boys - not for us TGirls

[sherri52]

Clarissa I'm sorry byou have to revert back to drab, we all hate that. Hopefully this GG will be the right one and if she is tell her early about the cd'ing and how you feel.

[msniki48]

Welcome to the club, sister! You're in good company, ...

I must say I "ditto" Windcissy. Join the club. there are so many of us girls that feel as you do, and have made their choices because they feel life gets in the way. My wife says this is where you need to be TODAY.

hugs...and do keep you chin up...it's what girls do.


msniki48

[CLARRISA]

Thanks for your support and wise words ladies...if things work out on this date, i definately will be honest about myself, as i don't think i can just turn all this off..I feel a lot better than i did yesterday..tho i'm still kinda coming back down from the clouds...its just that every where you look there's triggers..practically every woman i see makes me envious, when they're sitting in the canteen at work, when i walk into one of the offices to do a repair..,i see more "if only's"....when i open a newspaper..when i turn on the tv ...constantly reminding me of what i wish i was.....maybe i should just go and live up a mountain or something...anyway thanks for all the advice...

Clarrisa x

[Renee_E]

Thank you for bringing that up. I was wondering all day why i was in the dumps. I just got home and realized I feel femme and have all day. Sometimes the male me just doesn't listen. It can be hard being in between and some days I really wish I was one way or the other and not switching back and forth. If only I could always be happy with me as me and not worry what the world thinks.

[kimdl93]

Clarrisa, I'm yet another member of the club. I hope you'll always feel that rush when you spend time dressed, and sister, I envy the time you are able to spend fully "out" and about as Clarissa.

the blues...well, sweetheart, they can come back to haunt you regardless of how you're dressed. The challenge is to happily live with the reality of your world. I know very deeply about depression, having survived a bout (precipitated by a horrible divorce and perhaps not coincedentally, a precipitous weight loss) that took three years of weekly cognitive therapy and a heavy dose of prozac to overcome. In the end, Clarissa, I can not only to accept reality, but to embrace it.

You are a woman, for all practical purposes when you are out as Clarrisa. Perhaps not genetically, but to the rest of the world you are. You've proven that already. And at the same time, you have attracted the interest of a GG. This attest to your value as a whole person, more so than because of your male part. Celebrate the fact that another person is interested enough in you to want to go out with you and get to know you better.

She may not be "the one"...in fact, I'd counsel against thinking in those terms. Just think of her as someone you'd like to get to know. Perhaps over time, you may conclude that she's someone you want to be able to be more open with. Do it smartly - get to know how open minded she is on a variety of subjects, what her thoughts are on gender issues, whether she has any experience or preset ideas. If she seems rational, fair-minded, and caring then take the risk and live happily with the results.

You're a lovely girl and a thoughtful human being. Dont forget that.

Kim