My realization about all this started out as crossdressing. I was also full of shame and guilt about it, yet couldn't really stop. I'd purge on occasion and all the other games we play with ourselves. But, I just felt so ashamed about it all. Then, one day I had a most wonderful epiphany. Cross dressing harms no one! It is nothing like being a pedophile where true harm is inflicted upon others. Cross dressing is much more common than you realize and it is HARMLESS. That epiphany helped me lose most of the shame and guilt about all this. It also planted the seeds of the self-discovery of my real self. By no longer feeling ashamed, I was able to embrace it (so to speak), explore it and experience it without feeling bad about. I could do it not just because I HAD to but, also because I wanted to. However, my life situations often interfered with my cross dressing desires.
Then, one fateful day, I woke up with the all encompasing desire to have a female body and be female, not just dress like one. It defintiely threw me for a loop. I had never thought about being a woman, just dressing like one. Well, I wrestled and fought that for almost 2 years until one day I realized I was having suicidal thoughts and I knew gender issues were at the root. I sought a gender therapist (covered by my insurance, diagnosed as depression, which is very true. I was depressed enough to have suicidal thoughts).
When I saw her, I hit the deck running. I held nothing back and dove right into it. I knew that I had to be completely utterly honest with her and I had to unabashedly tackle this 'stuff' if I was going to get anywhere. I was just trying to figure out what was going on with me and how I could be at peace inside my own skin. It wasn't necessarily to transition or anything else. I made no assumption of what my answers would be. But, I knew I needed to find them. She was comfortable and confident at letting me know after our first session that I am transgendered. As I have examined more of myself and learned more I understand why she saw it so easily. Gender is an interesting thing. My favorite quote about it is that "we don't see it because it is everywhere. It is a very subtle thing simply because it is so overt."
Yep, I have a ton of female to me I hadn't recognised as female, if that makes any sense.
I am so so glad I sought her help. We went through my history and present and she gave me the affirmations that I needed in order to admit to myself I am in fact transgendered, not just a cross dresser. As mentioned above, it is only my awarness and admission that truely counts. But, I couldn't have made that without my counselor's afirmation.
Anyway, In February/March of 2009 I started on a hormone regime. My primary focus (thus far) about this regime has been the mental and emotional effect removing the testostrone and adding estrogen has upon my emotional and mental world. I am just so much more comfortable and I don't have nearly as strong of a fractured feeling inside.
I still have a LONG way to go. I have no current plan to transition and I'm pretty scared about the prospect. Yet, as time continues and I learn more about myself, the more I am realizing that I may not really have a practical choice. It is distinctly possible (probable?) that I will reach an internal point where I basically have to transition because I will no longer be able to not transition. I'm not there yet.
I am also finding these issues to be pandora's box sorts of things. Several significant things have happened in my life as a direct result of exploring my transgender issues.
These gender issues, once awakened, take on a progression of their own and will not allow me to drop them, forget about them, or even put them on a back-burner for awhile. I tryed to put this stuff on a backburner for a bit to help deal with some major changes with my life. But, they ain't letting me.
If I had any regrets about all this it is simply I wish I had been able to start this all when I was in my 20's instead of late 40's.
I hope you are able to figure out the right answers for you. I shared my 'story' in an attempt to help you in figureig all this out. Perhaps you see some similarities. Perhaps not.
Originally Posted by sandra-leigh
Lallie
