Most powerful urge of my life

[gabimartini]

This new year has been one of firsts for me. In a little over 30 days, I first truly started to accept my CDing, first did convincing makeup, got a first full-body wax, went for my first outing, which ended being also my first passing. I thought that by exploring (instead of repressing) and allowing these emotions to surface, that things would level and cool off for a while. I thought I would start to get some answers.

However, quite the opposite is happening. There are still a lot of very strong and unresolved emotions going through my mind. I've started to get a bit overwhelmed and don't really know what to do. I had never lost control over my CDing before, and now I am just helpless. This seems to be a never-ending urge. I want to dress 24x7, just can't get enough of it. It's awfully hard to go back to drabs, and when I do, I'm generally grumpy, stand-offish and bummed.

In order to be able to dress that much, I'm shutting down my male persona and isolating myself from everybody else, spouse, family, friends, work. I'm only happy and sociable in girl mode. It's almost as if I had finally gotten in touch with my true self, so I don't see why I need to give that up!

Anybody here ever went through a similar urge? When? What did you do? Did it go away? What was the ultimate outcome? I just want to be able to find some measure of balance in my life, so that I can go gack to having a life, in the first place!

Thanks for reading!

PS: I am considering counseling, but what I'd like to hear is your own personal stories and experiences, if you can share.

[Faith_G]

For me, going out was like opening one of those cans of instant biscuits. I didn't just blossom, I exploded. My first time out the door was 3 1/2 months ago. Now I run all my errands as a woman, I'm pretty much 24/7 except for work. I've been in therapy for 2 months, my first appointment for hormones is in 3 weeks. I plan to be full time by fall.

Probably not what you wanted to hear.

To be fair, transitioning had been on my mind for many years but I never believed I could do it. I had a variety of excuses but they all evaporated once I went out and interacted with the world as a woman.

It's awfully hard to go back to drabs, and when I do, I'm generally grumpy, stand-offish and bummed.

That sounds familiar. I knew I had to do something when I found myself crying while removing nail polish so I could go to work.

[Super Amanda]

Same sort deal for me as Faith. I felt almost EXACTLY how you are feeling now...the isolation from everyone, the sadness of being "in drab", thinking about being a girl all the time...

I thought that by exploring (instead of repressing) and allowing these emotions to surface, that things would level and cool off for a while.

I also thought that maybe if I went as far as I could go so to speak, that perhaps I would be "satisfied" and the "urge" would pass, but as you can see, for some of us doing this only emphasizes the feeling of wanting to do this all the time.

For me, my only solution was to come out to everyone, and begin transitioning. I came out last year around now, saw my doctor for the first time last June, saw a therapist in July, started hormones in August and am planning on full time by the end of this year.....

I'm happier than I've ever been, and seeing myself change, slow as it is, is breath taking.

However, my life is certainly much different now, even though I still present as a guy most of the time. My relationships have ALL changed in one sense or another, for better or worse. I did weigh all of these things before I made this choice, but all of the preparation in the world cannot fully prepare you for how people will react.

For me, balance has been achieved by admitting to myself, then the world that I needed to transition, then actively pursuing it. I've been able to come to terms on my own, but I certainty see the value in therapy.

P.S. You are stunning in your pics, very natural

[NathalieX66]

Have to agree with the others... good luck stuffing the genie back in the bottle.

I'd have to agree with this one.
I went through the same stages, and in my case I've made up with, and now have become close friends with a couple of TS friends that have transitioned. I just take it day by day...for me that is.
Not so bad, really.

[busker]

Isnt it the same thrill of winning the race, getting the promotion or getting married? The adreniline is flowing, but what does it mean? Are you going to get SRS, do you want to live as a woman, what? It is a high because you have resolved some things in your head, but winning the race does not generally mean that you are going to buy the racetrack! Acceptance of yourself is certainly cause for joy, but before you spread your wings to far, you need to decide the next REAL step.
Sure, it feels great, and cause for celebration, but you need to act with a cool head and that means getting back into drab to sort things out. Your "excursion" was only that--you are still a male, and obliged to fill that role for awhile yet.
best of luck
Mandrake out of water

[NathalieX66]

Isnt it the same thrill of winning the race, getting the promotion or getting married? The adreniline is flowing, but what does it mean? Are you going to get SRS, do you want to live as a woman, what? It is a high because you have resolved some things in your head, but winning the race does not generally mean that you are going to buy the racetrack! Acceptance of yourself is certainly cause for joy, but before you spread your wings to far, you need to decide the next REAL step.
Sure, it feels great, and cause for celebration, but you need to act with a cool head and that means getting back into drab to sort things out. Your "excursion" was only that--you are still a male, and obliged to fill that role for awhile yet.
best of luck
Mandrake out of water

It just simply means that you find your own place.
Everyone is different in their ultimate end needs. If serious questions need to be answered, then consult a therapist or counselor who handles gender issues.
You are you.

I am a crossdresser that loves duality..see the little black box below?
I have a TS friend that can't stand being male. We are alike but we are NOT alike. For her, the switch on that box would be permanently on A all the time, therefore no need for the switch.

[Faith_G]

No thrill, just peace and happiness. Like coming home from a long and stressful trip, a relief. That's how I feel anyway.

[Nicole Brown]

My experience has been quite similar to yours except I believe I have been at it a lot longer than you have. I have been dressing for well over 40 years and experimenting with it for a lot longer than that. I have been going out en fem for about 4 years and feel totally comfortable when venturing out. I have had the opportunity to live as Nicole for a week on 5 or 6 occasions and totally loved each experience.

I have been seeing a therapist for over a year and have confided in him that I want to spent my life as Nicole and live as a woman full time. He believes that I am comfortable in my persona as Nicole and that I should be thinking about starting hormones and moving towards transiting. This is a big step, as I am sure you are aware, and I know that I need to get myself in gear and move forward.

Please find a good therapist and work with them before you finally decide which path to follow. My therapist has shared stories with me of individuals who thought they were where I am in their lives, only to discover that full time womanhood was not the right path for them to follow. If this is right for you great, just ensure that you are doing things for the right reasons and that you will be happy at your final destination.

[windycissy]

I totally agree that once you've tasted life "out" as a woman it's awfully hard to go back. I've been able to find a sort of balance between my two lives because I travel a lot and can live more or less full time as a woman when I'm on the road, although it's getting harder and harder to change back...

[Lauren415]

I felt the same at first also, and went to a head doc for a year then started HRT and did it for a year and discovered it was not for me. I am now happy with being a Crossdresser. I was a big rush at first I I just wanted to keep going just like you. I wanted more and more of being a female and thats when I started HRT and after a year of it and some brest growth, I was like WOW if I keep this up there is no turning back,is this realy what I want - full time female( it did sound nice at the time ) but I like being the man a girl needs sometime and dressing would not feel the same for me if I did it everyday. it would not be special anymore. I love the getting away from being a guy when I feel like it.

[Frédérique]

I thought that by exploring (instead of repressing) and allowing these emotions to surface, that things would level and cool off for a while. I thought I would start to get some answers.
However, quite the opposite is happening. There are still a lot of very strong and unresolved emotions going through my mind. I've started to get a bit overwhelmed and don't really know what to do. Anybody here ever went through a similar urge?

[SIZE="2"]And the problem is? You’ve neatly encapsulated most of the trials and tribulations faced by a MtF crossdresser – welcome to the party! I say relax – your enthusiasm will come and go in waves, just like everything else in the visible and non-visible Universe. If you’re young and haven’t experienced this before, just wait a while. All things must pass, but you’ll be a little more femme each time. You don’t need to give up the feelings your “true self” provides, just learn to tuck things away and smile until the next opportunity presents itself…

Grumpy and bummed-out in drab? Yeah, join the club – you’ll learn how to make use of down-time as well as “up” time. Most of all, it’s important to hang around here and share your experiences with like-minded individuals who can empathize with your situation. Been there, done that – nice to meet ya…[/SIZE]

[StaceyJane]

I know what you mean. I've been dresing a lot more lately and I feel a real sense of freedom.

[Bree-asaurus]

This new year has been one of firsts for me. In a little over 30 days, I first truly started to accept my CDing, first did convincing makeup, got a first full-body wax, went for my first outing, which ended being also my first passing. I thought that by exploring (instead of repressing) and allowing these emotions to surface, that things would level and cool off for a while. I thought I would start to get some answers.

However, quite the opposite is happening. There are still a lot of very strong and unresolved emotions going through my mind. I've started to get a bit overwhelmed and don't really know what to do. I had never lost control over my CDing before, and now I am just helpless. This seems to be a never-ending urge. I want to dress 24x7, just can't get enough of it. It's awfully hard to go back to drabs, and when I do, I'm generally grumpy, stand-offish and bummed.

In order to be able to dress that much, I'm shutting down my male persona and isolating myself from everybody else, spouse, family, friends, work. I'm only happy and sociable in girl mode. It's almost as if I had finally gotten in touch with my true self, so I don't see why I need to give that up!

Anybody here ever went through a similar urge? When? What did you do? Did it go away? What was the ultimate outcome? I just want to be able to find some measure of balance in my life, so that I can go gack to having a life, in the first place!

Thanks for reading!

PS: I am considering counseling, but what I'd like to hear is your own personal stories and experiences, if you can share.

Sounds like me a couple weeks ago. I had been crossdressing off and on my entire life, and then a month ago, decided to stop repressing it and go all out. I fully dressed up like a woman every day for two weeks and was super happy with mild bouts of depression. I just got more confused and didn't know who I was.... so I decided to see a shrink. The shrink is definitely helping, but the happy dressing streak ended a couple days ago and sunk into a self-hating depression. I'm out of that now not sure where I'm going from here. I'm gonna start taking happy pills so hopefully that will help in addition to the shrink.

[Presh GG]

And so what does it all mean?

A thread like this scares , no Terrifys !, an accepting and encourageing SO. I encourage my love to be happy[ and yes, in guy mode "he" is more, well , grumpy. But , we [some of us ] GGs CAN NOt live without our husbands, at least some of the time.

Thanks for the tears, on Valentines day,This scares me!

Oh how I wish I could read your mind , Dear , If you're reading this , I need you as I have for 34 years. But more I need to know. Do I encourage Too much?
If we say "be all that you can [ or want ] to be, do we run the risk of pushing our husbands girl side to take over?... Because I love you BOTH and can not live without you BOTH.

Bad Morning [ or is that mourning ]
Presh GG

[Faith_G]

And so what does it all mean?

A thread like this scares , no Terrifys !, an accepting and encourageing SO. I encourage my love to be happy[ and yes, in guy mode "he" is more, well , grumpy. But , we [some of us ] GGs CAN NOt live without our husbands, at least some of the time.

Thanks for the tears, on Valentines day,This scares me!

Oh how I wish I could read your mind , Dear , If you're reading this , I need you as I have for 34 years. But more I need to know. Do I encourage Too much?
If we say "be all that you can [ or want ] to be, do we run the risk of pushing our husbands girl side to take over?... Because I love you BOTH and can not live without you BOTH.

Bad Morning [ or is that mourning ]
Presh GG

Sorry for the poor timing.

Certainly not every closeted CD'r is a TS woman primed to explode. Nathalie and Lauren are just two examples of "balance".

I can't speak for your SO or my fellow "exploders", but I knew for years that this was coming. I was just afraid of dealing with it. When I first heard about "sex change" as a teen, my first thought was "Oh, shit! I don't want to have to do that!" I knew in my heart that it was what I needed to do, but my head was not willing. More than 20 years later, I finally walked out the door as a woman. When it turned out to be a great experience, all the excuses I had made no longer made sense.

I guess all you can do is talk to your SO and hope he is willing to be honest with you and with himself about who he is and what his needs are.

[gabimartini]

Thanks to everybody who replied, so far. It's been great reading your comments!

[danista]

i'm feeling like i was just liberated. i want go full time,but have a lot of work ahead of me. i wish i would've found this board a lot SOONER.

[JaytoJillian]

Gabi, I can totally relate. I think about dressing a lot and whenever I have more than two hours alone, the clothes and makeup go on. I love going out and am generally well-received wherever I go. If I had it to do over again, and knowing what I know now, I know I'd explore transitioning. Just not sure how I could pull it off this late in the game.